A Journal for Stefan
by azurefang
Summary: Young Stefan is given a blank book for journaling. He writes about various things as he tries to understand what's going on in his life.
1. Chapter 1

A Journal for Stefan

Disclaimer: The Vampire Diaries does not belong to me. Original characters are mine.

A/N This story is about Stefan (and Damon) as he grew up. It is made of selected entries from young Stefan's journals as he tries to understand the world around him. WARNING: there is mention of whipping, religious bias, slavery, politics and sexual questions. I tried to handle this delicately, but if a part makes you uncomfortable, skip over certain journal entries.

Chapter 1

"First Journal"

Stefan Salvatore was eight years old when he started his first journal. The idea was planted in his mind by a neighbor, Mr. Jonathan Gilbert. The man was an avid reader and a prolific writer and a good friend of Stefan's father Giuseppe.

One day Giuseppe and his younger son were visiting the Gilberts when Stefan noticed that the man was writing in a book. The boy looked closer and saw that the book had no words in it except for those the man was jotting down in ink.

"What are you doing, Mr. Gilbert?" the boy asked.

"Writing in my journal, Stefan. I do this almost every day," the man said with a smile.

"Why?"

"It's a record of what goes on in my life and what I think of it. Some people call a book like this a diary. Ladies keep diaries. Men keep journals. They're similar."

"Oh. My papa keeps records in the ledger book."

"Yes, he does. He runs a farm, a plantation, and needs to keep track of everything. A journal like mine is more personal. _My_ ideas. _My _thoughts. Things about my wife and children. Things about the town."

"Oh."

"You could start a journal. You can write, can't you?"

"Yes, sir. My tutor says I write good for my age."

"You write _well _for your age," Mr. Gilbert corrected.

"Yes, sir. That's what Mr. Bainbridge says. But I don't spell good yet."

"I'll tell you what. I'll give you one of my blank books and you can start to write in it. You should put the date on the page first and then write something. That way you know what day you wrote it if you look back later. Would you like to do that?"

"I think so. Do I have to write a lot?"

"No. Just what you want to write and when you feel like writing it."

"If I write something good, I can show it to Papa and Mr. Bainbridge."

"Yes, you can. But let me tell you something, Stefan. You can also write your secrets down. This is _your _journal. The trouble is, you never know when someone else will read your journal and see your secret."

"Oh. I could hide my journal if I write a secret. If Damon tells me a secret and I write it, I would have to hide my book." A worried look had come to the boy's face.

"Yes, if you thought someone might read it when you didn't know. But you don't have to write secrets. Just things that happen to you or that interest you."

The man reached in a drawer in his desk and pulled out one of the blank books. He opened it up and dipped his pen into the inkwell. Inside the cover, he wrote "This Journal belongs to Stefan Salvatore. Mystic Falls, Virginia. 1855. He carefully blotted the ink and handed the book to the boy.

"Thank you, sir," Stefan said as he looked at what the man had written. He grinned and repeated, "Thank you." He closed the book and ran his hand over the soft leather cover. There was a leather strip attached which could be used to hold the book closed.

Stefan's father had been out of the room talking to Mrs. Gilbert. He now entered the study and he noticed the book in his son's hands.

"Papa, look at the journal book Mr. Gilbert gave me!" the boy said, beaming up at his father.

"I see. Did you thank Mr. Gilbert?" the man asked seriously. He laid a hand on the boy's blond hair. Giuseppe was not a demonstrative man when it came to affection, but this boy was his favorite child.

"Yes, sir. I did. I'm going to write in it." Stefan pressed the book to his small chest and hugged it.

"Just don't use your study time to do that. Your lessons are more important."

"Yes, Papa."

That evening, after he had had his supper and was almost ready for bed, Stefan nervously put the journal on his desk and got out the ink and his pen. He opened the book to the first page and with shaking hand, he wrote:

_ Friday. Papa wipt Damon tonit. They yelled a lot and then Papa wipt him on his bak. Damon cride. I herd him. I cride to but they did not now I was ther. I hate wen Papa hits Damon. He says it is Damons falt becuz Damon is de fri ant. That meens Damon is stubern. I wish Damon was not stubern. He makes Papa mad. He is my big brother and I love him._

Stefan carefully used the ink blotter and then closed the book. He wiped away a tear that was running down his face. He was afraid his father would read what he had written, so he slid the journal under his mattress. When he climbed into bed, he pictured the secret underneath him, and in his mind he could still hear Damon crying from the blows of the whip.

Stefan rarely prayed. He and his brother had little religious training and that had come from their mother when she had felt well enough to read the Bible to them. But she had been dead now for over two years. Still, on occasion, Stefan prayed. He especially prayed that Damon and his father would stop fighting. He lay in bed now over his journal and prayed.

The nanny came into the room to see if he was in bed.

"Is Damon all right?" he asked her.

"Yes, sweetheart. He be all right. Now you go to sleep," the black woman said gently. She kissed him on the forehead and then she turned out the oil lamp.

A/N This first chapter is fairly short. Some will be longer. Stefan's spelling will improve as he gets older, of course. I know stories have been written about his journaling, but I wanted to give it a try. What do you all think?


	2. Chapter 2

A Journal for Stefan

Disclaimer: The Vampire Diaries does not belong to me. Original characters are mine.

A/N This story is about Stefan (and Damon) as he grew up. It is made of selected entries from young Stefan's journals as he tries to understand the world around him. WARNING: there is mention of whipping, religious bias, slavery, politics and sexual questions. I tried to handle this delicately, but if it makes you uncomfortable, skip over certain journal entries.

Chapter 2

A/N I am pleased to see folks are reading and following this story. Thank you to those who reviewed. It encourages me to keep writing.

"More Bad Spelling"

The next morning, when he had time to himself, Stefan pulled the journal out from under his mattress and looked at what he had written. He was a little bit shocked at the spelling. He could do better than that! And his hand had been so shaky! He considered tearing the page out of the journal, but he didn't. The journal was a book and he had respect for books. A person _never_ damaged a book.

He sat at his desk and got out the pen and ink.

_ Sataday. I saw Damon at brekfas. He pretend that he was alrit. He teesed me and made me laff, but I now his bak hurts. I wish Mama was here. She woold not let Papa wip him. Mama passed to hevan after the baby came. Im glad Peter is not here. His name is Pietro, but we did not call him that. He was a bad baby. He always cride. Papa says the baby kilt Mama and sent her to hevan. I dont now how he did it, becuz he was so little. Gramma took him away to richmon. Im glad. I hope Damon is good today._

_ Sunday I had a bad belly ake today. I hate that. I toll Damon and he toll Sofy. I new she woold make me take a big spoonful of casta oil. It tastes teribul and makes my belly hert more. Then I had to stay on the pot for a long time. I dont like that. Papa did not wip Damon today becuz he was good._

Several days later he wrote again.

_ It was reely cold today. Its almost Chrissmas. I rode my pony. His name is Litning. I spelled that wrong. Its Lightning. He used to be Damons pony but Damon is to big now. I like Lightning but he can be a handful. He was reely frisky today. He thru me off and almos got away but I held onto the rains. Fooled him. Papa says Im a good rider. Im almos as good as Damon._

Occasionally Giuseppe asked Stefan if he had written anything in his journal. Stefan told him what he had written, but not if it was about Damon being whipped. He didn't want to lie to his father. Lying did not come naturally to him. He might not be good at spelling or punctuation, but he was smart. So, if he wrote about things that bothered him, like the whippings, he also wrote the benign things, too, things that would not anger his father when he reported his jottings.

He didn't think anyone knew where he hid the journal. In fact, the nanny Sophie knew because she made his bed and changed the sheets sometimes. She could barely read, however, and after one glance at a page, she didn't bother the book after that. Nor did she tell anyone else.

Giuseppe never asked to see the journal. He just didn't put enough importance on it to give it time. It was just a childish thing for a little boy to do in his spare time.

Over the course of a year, Stefan wrote many things in the book, writing almost every day, usually about his lessons, school, his friends and riding his pony. Mr. Gilbert gave him a new book when he told the man his journal was full. The man seemed pleased that the boy was persistent in his writing. In fact, it was to become a lifetime habit with Stefan.

The following are excerpts, beginning with that first year.

_Wensday I did not rite in my jurnal yestaday cuz I got hert. It was awful. A posum bit me. I was in the barn and I got my sadul from the tak room so I cud ride Lightning. Ther was a posum in ther and he ran at me and bit my lef leg. I cride and Silas came run to help me. The posum ran away. Silas carry me to the hous and Papa made him go get the doctur. I had blud on my leg. It hert. The doctor sed I will be alrit if the bite duz not fester and if the posum did not have hidrofoba like a mad dog. I cud dy. I do not want to dy. I am just a litul boy. My frend Wilyum dyd last yeer. He got snak bit on his arm and he dyd. If I dy and go to hevan I can see Mama. That wud be good I gess. Cook put a poltus on my woond to draw out poyson but it stil herts._

_Friday My woond is better. I gess I am not gone to dy. That is good. Damon says he is glad becuz he wud miss me. My tuter Mr Bainbridge says my speling is atroshus. I can read good but I don't pay atenshun to how the words are spelt. He is go to make me pay atenshun to that._

_June 1857 Damon took me with him to race with his frends. It was not a good idea. I wanted to go with him and I begged him. If I beg hard enuf Damon gives in. Also I new he was going to race. Papa duz not alow buggy racing and I sed I woold tell Papa if Damon did not let me go with him. I got scared in the race. We got up agenst a fense and hert the buggy. Papa wipped Damon for that. I now Damon refus to cry. It made me cry and I got a belly acke. I wish Papa woold not do that to Damon. He has scars on his back._

_June 1857 Damon is seventeen years old today. I think he is as tall as Papa. He told me he will not let Papa wip him ever agin. I don't now how he will stop Papa if Papa get realy mad at him. Maybe Damon wont make Papa mad any more._

_November, 1857 I am ten years old today. We had a big dinner becus its also Thanksgiving. Billy Gilbert says its not the right day for Thanksgiving, but its close to it so its all right. Papa shot one of the turkys in the woods so we could have it for dinner. It was a big tom turky. The pilgrims had turkys for their big dinner with the Indians. Papa told me I have to call him Father now because Im old enuff to stop calling him Papa. Damon has called him Father for a long time. I bet I will forget somtimes._

_April, 1858 Today was a bad day. I broke the pretty vase that Mama loved when she was alive. Father said it was a gift from him. I didnt mean to break it. Father was so mad his face was as red as when him and Damon fight. He grabbed my arm so tite it reely hurt and he drag me to his study. He pulled down my pants and my draws and hit my bottom with the riding crop that he used on Damons back. It hurt reely bad. I cried for a long time after that even when Damon held me and said Id be all right. Damon was shaking. I cud feel it. The cook put some balm on my bottom. Im writing in my journal standing up because I cant sit down._

_June 1858 Damon had his birthday today. He is eighteen years old. A photografer was in town and Father took Damon and me to have pictures taken. We both had to dress up and we had our hair combed just so. We stood nice and still for the camera until after the powder flashed in a big bright flame. The bright flash flame is not used so much when the picture is done outdoors. I think photografs are magical. Father has two dagerotypes of Mama, but I think the painted pictures of her are prettyer._

_September 1858 Damon is getting ready to leave for school. He's going away. Im going to miss him a lot. Hes going to the university in Charlottesville. Hes going to live there because its too far to ride every day. At least he will not get into fights with Father any more. Father doesn't whip him anymore because Damon wont stand for it. I think Father is glad to see him go. I wonder how Damon will do in the university. Father kept getting mad at him for doing poorly in school here in Mystic Falls. He said Damon spends too much time with his friends and they dont study. Damon is smart but he likes to do other things. I think he likes to spend a lot of time with Miss Millicent. They go for buggy rides together. I saw him when he came home today after his ride with her. I told him his pants were unbuttoned. He buttoned them and said he had stopped to piss. I guess that was after he took Miss Millicent home._

_November 1858 Damon came home from the university for my eleventh birthday. He brought me a small bronze figure of a horse. He knows I love horses and riding. Damon argued with Father about his grades at school. Father says he is paying good money for Damon's edjucation and he dam well better study. I'm glad Father stopped whipping Damon over a year ago. They still argue a lot when Damon is home, mostly about Damon's friends and them drinking and about school grades. I get good grades at school. Its not hard. I wish Damon would study better so Father wood be proud of him._

_February 1859 Daniel Fishman made me so mad at school today. He's Ilana's big brother. We were at the boys privy that has room for two boys. Daniel's pisser looks different from mine or Damon's and I asked him why. He laughed at me and said it was because he was older. I said that wasn't what I ment. I said his looked funny. He got mad and he grabbed me right where he shouldn't touch me. I got mad too. I saw red like it says in a book I read. So I kicked him hard in the same place. He yelled profanites at me and ran out of the privy holding onto his privates. When I got home I asked Father about Daniel. Father said the Fishmans are Jews. He wouldn't say anymore, so I don't know what that has to do with anything. Are Jews born that way? I wish Damon was home. He'd explain._

_March 1859 Damon got expelled from school. He has skipped classes and has poor grades. He and some other boys did something that made the school mad and they got expelled. Damon came home, which I was glad for, but he and Father argue and yell at each other a lot. Father called him a near do well and a projigal son and an embarasment to the family. Damon said a lot of things I wont write here._

_I remembered to ask Damon about Daniel Fishman and Damon explained. I think I'm glad I wasnt born a Jew. Cutting on a baby boy's pisser must hurt awful._

_Speaking of private parts, Damon and I had a talk about that and mating. Father has told me some things but he doesnt want to answer some of my questions. How am I supposed to know things like that? Ive seen cats and dogs and birds do it. Damon took me over to the Lockwood farm to see the bull with the milk cows. A man takes his bull around the whole area to service the cows. Its a big beast with a ring in its nose. It mates with our milk cows but Father has never let me watch. This time I learned some things. Mostly that cats dogs birds and cows each do it a little differently. So I still have questions. Damon got tired of my questions and told me to stop. Ill ask him again some other time._

_June 1859 Cook made a nice dinner for us for Damons nineteenth birthday. He is a bit taller than Father now. Maybe an inch. Father isn't as tall as some men like Mr. Lockwood. The tallest man I know is Reverend Fell who is six feet five inches tall. We don't go to his church, but I have seen him speak and he is loud. A lot of people around here don't like him because he is an abolist. That's not spelled right. Ill sound it out. Its abolishonist. That means he does not think anybody should have slaves. Father says that is because he does not have a farm and he doesnt need workers. Father doesnt like Rev Fell. Father likes Mr. Gilbert who also does not have slaves, but then again, Mr. Gilbert does not need them. And Mr. Gilbert does not preach against slavery._

_July 1859 I went to the dance at the town hall. I danced with Ilana Fishman even though her brother frowned at me. I like Ilana but I have trouble talking to her. She is so pretty. I know my face gets red and I say things that dont make sense. I guess it's a good thing we all have to take dance lessons at school. Father says a gentleman has to know how to dance with the ladies. Damon certainly enjoys dancing. He is very handsome and the ladies flirt with him a lot. He has blue eyes and dark brown hair. My eyes are mostly green with specks of brown. My hair is getting darker. Its not as yellow as it was when I was small. I wonder how dark it will get._

_August 1859 I did something bad today. I should tell Father, but Im afraid he will whip me. Im not sure I should even write it here. What if Father reads it? Damon knows and he said not to tell Father. He said Father may never know. Damon and I were sort of resling around in the parlor. Mama's piano is there. There is usually a big bookay of flowers sitting on top in the summer. I was running in the room and I tripped against the piano. The vase fell over and a lot of water ran all over the piano and down inside it and on the piano keys. Damon and I just stood there looking at it. I know my eyes must have been big as sausers. Father was not home and none of the servants came to look. Damon said to be quiet and we would clean up the water we could reech and put the flowers back in the vase. He got a towel and more water for the vase. I dont know why none of the house servants saw what we did. Maybe they did and they kept away. I asked Damon if the piano was ruint and he said he didn't know, but maybe. Father does not play it. Damon learned two songs when Mama was still alive, but he never touches the piano any more._

_August 1859 I feel so gilty about the piano. I know I should tell Father but Damon says the damage is already done and I should not say any thing. No one plays the piano so no one will know._

_August 1859 Father has talked Damon into going to another college. Its called William and Mary and its been in Williamsburg near Richmond since olden times. Damon has promised that he will do better. Father says he has to get a good edjucation because some day the farm will be his and he has to know how to run it well. I worry a little about Father. He drinks too much I think. I heard him talking to Mr. Gilbert about investing money. Mr. Gilbert doesnt agree with Fathers ideas. He said Father will lose money. Does drinking too much wisky make Father spend his money wrong?_

_September 1859 Damon has gone to Williamsburg. He went on the train from Charlottesville to Richmond. Father and I went to Charlottesville to put him on the train. I hope to get a train ride some day. I could go visit Gramma in Richmond and see little Peter. He must be six years old by now. I don't hate him like I did after Mama died. Charlottesville is much bigger than Mystic Falls. And Father says Richmond is much bigger than Charlottesville. It must be something to see!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3_

_A/N Thanks for reading this, you all. I hope no one is offended by some of what Stefan comments on. Note: kids in Stefan's time reached puberty at a later age than today's kids usually do._

"_A Bull and a Piano"_

_February 1859 Daniel Fishman made me so mad at school today. He's Ilana's big brother. We were at the boys privy that has room for two boys. Daniel's pisser looks different from mine or Damon's and I asked him why. He laughed at me and said it was because he was older. I said that wasn't what I ment. I said his looked funny. He got mad and he grabbed me right where he shouldn't touch me and squeezed. That hurt and I got mad too. I saw red like it says in a book I read. So I kicked him hard in the same place. He yelled profanites at me and ran out of the privy holding onto his privates. When I got home I asked Father about Daniel. Father said the Fishmans are Jews. He wouldn't say anymore, so I don't know what that has to do with anything. Are Jews born that way? I wish Damon was home. He'd explain._

_March 1859 Damon got expelled from school. He has skipped classes and has poor grades. He and some other boys did something that made the school mad and they got expelled. Damon came home, which I was glad for, but he and Father argue and yell at each other a lot. Father called him a near do well and a projigal son and an embarasment to the family. Damon said a lot of things I wont write here._

_I remembered to ask Damon about Daniel Fishman and Damon explained. I think I'm glad I wasnt born a Jew. Cutting on a baby boy's pisser must hurt awful._

( For those who might not know, he is referring to circumcision, which was an uncommon practice among Christians at that time.)

_Speaking of private parts, Damon and I had a talk about that and mating. Father has told me some things but he doesnt want to answer some of my questions. How am I supposed to know things like that? Some of my friends have some weird ideas and I dont know if they are right. Ive seen cats and dogs and birds do it. Today Damon took me over to the Lockwood farm to see the bull with the milk cows. A man takes his bull around the whole area to service the cows. Its a big beast with a ring in its nose. It mates with our milk cows so they can have calfs and give more milk. But Father has never let me watch. This time I learned some things. Mostly that cats dogs birds and cows each do it a little differently. So I still have questions. Damon got tired of my questions and told me to stop. Ill ask him again some other time._

_June 1859 Cook made a nice dinner for us for Damons nineteenth birthday. He is a bit taller than Father now. Maybe an inch. Father isn't as tall as some men like Mr. Lockwood. The tallest man I know is Reverend Fell who is six feet five inches tall. We don't go to his church, but I have seen him speak and he is loud. Another tall man is Mr. Dawson from Ohio. A lot of people around here don't like him because he is from up north and he is an abolist. That's not spelled right. Ill sound it out. Its abolishonist. That means he does not think anybody should have slaves. Father says that is because he does not have a farm and he doesnt need workers. Father doesnt like Mr. Dawson. Father likes Mr. Gilbert who also does not have slave, but then again Mr. Gilbert does not need them. And Mr. Gilbert does not preach against slavery._

_July 1859 I went to the dance at the town hall. I danced with Ilana Fishman even though her brother frowned at me. I like Ilana but I have trouble talking to her sometimes. She is so pretty. I know my face gets red and I say things that dont make sense. I guess it's a good thing we all have to take dance lessons at school. Father says a gentleman has to know how to dance with the ladies. Damon certainly enjoys dancing. He is very handsome and the ladies flirt with him a lot. He has blue eyes and dark brown hair. My eyes are mostly green with specks of brown. My hair is getting darker. Its not as yellow as it was when I was small. I wonder how dark it will get._

_August 1859 I did something bad today. I should tell Father, but Im afraid he will whip me. Im not sure I should even write it here. What if Father reads it? Damon knows and he said not to tell Father. He said Father may never know. Damon and I were sort of resling around in the parlor. Mama's piano is there. There is usually a big bookay of flowers sitting on top in the summer. I was running in the room and I tripped against the piano. The vase fell over and a lot of water ran all over the piano and down inside it and on the piano keys. Damon and I just stood there looking at it. I know my eyes must have been big as sausers. Father was not home and none of the servants came to look. Damon said to be quiet and we would clean up the water we could reech and put the flowers back in the vase. He got a towel and more water for the vase. I dont know why none of the house servants saw what we did. Maybe they did and they kept away. I asked Damon if the piano was ruint and he said he didn't know, but maybe it was. Father does not play it. Damon learned two songs when Mama was still alive, but he never touches the piano any more._

_August 1859 I feel so gilty about the piano. I know I should tell Father but Damon says the damage is already done and I should not say any thing. No one plays the piano so no one will know. But I know._

_August 1859 Father has talked Damon into going to another college. Its called William and Mary and its been in Williamsburg near Richmond since olden times. Damon has promised that he will do better. Father says he has to get a good edjucation because some day the farm will be his and he has to know how to run it well. I worry a little about Father. He drinks too much I think. I heard him talking to Mr. Gilbert about investing money. Mr. Gilbert doesnt agree with Fathers ideas. He said Father will lose money. Does drinking too much wisky make Father spend his money wrong?_

_September 1859 Damon has gone to Williamsburg. He went on the train from Charlottesville to Richmond. Father and I went to Charlottesville to put him on the train. I hope to get a train ride some day. I could go visit Gramma in Richmond and see little Peter. He must be six years old by now. I don't hate him like I did after Mama died. Charlottesville is much bigger than Mystic Falls. And Father says Richmond is much bigger than Charlottesville. It must be something to see!_

_October 1859 Some man named Brown did something crazy. He went to the town of Harper's Ferry and tried to steal a lot of guns to arm slaves. He did not get away with it. If the slaves had guns many of them would shoot the white people and run away. Mr. Brown must be insane. It's good that he was arrested._

_October 1859 Gramma came to visit us today! She is Mama's mother from Richmond. Gramma's real name is Martha Remington. Since Mama passed to Heavan and Gramma took Peter away I have only seen her three times. I think I remember meeting Grampa Remington once before Mama passed. Gramma is nice to me and Damon but she argues with Father. They dont like each other for some reason. She asked Father if he would like to see Peter and he said no. Father told me she is a harridan. I looked that up in the dictionary. It means an old woman that argues. She is old and she does argue with Father, so I guess shes a harridan. I like her. She brought me a really nice book about traveling in the world. Maybe some day I will have a chance to see some of the world. Id like to see the ocean or the mountains way to the west that are so high they have snow on them even in summer._

_October 1859 Gramma scared me today. She looked at Mama's piano and asked if she could play a song on it. I was scared half to deth but Father said the piano had not been tooned in years so she should not play it. I have not tried any of the keys so I dont know if it still works or not. Gramma is going back to Richmond tomorrow. I really like her but I dont want her to try to play that piano._

_November 1859 Damon is in Williamsburg at school. He wrote to me. He says hes trying to keep his grades up so he wont get expelled again. He says he cant come home for my 12th birthday or Thanksgiving. Ill miss him. I wanted to tell him my nuts are starting to change like Damon told me they would sooner or later. Billy says his have not changed at all yet and hes waiting. Interesting. I wont go into more details here._

_December 1859 Damon is home for Christmas. Wonderful. He has stories to tell about school and about his new friends. He writes to me but the letters are not long. Its good to just sit and listen to him tell about his adventures. He went to the ocean and swam in it. He says it tastes salty and a wave was so big it nocked him down. He makes me laugh. He doesn't make Father laugh though. Father has gout now. It makes his right foot swell up and hurt really bad. He has to walk with a cruch. He tries not to walk much. So he is not in a good mood. I think he drinks more than before. I remembered to tell Damon my nuts were starting to get bigger. I showed him and he appooved. He said Im on my way to growing up to be a man. Of cours it will take years._

_December 1859 I went to a dance with Father and Damon. The decorations were for Christmas. Father did not dance even though his foot is all rite now. He sat with some other men and talked. Two things happened for me to write about. I have good hearing and I overhear things Im probably not supposed to. Two of the young women were talking by themselves and I was just around the corner in the hall. One of them Alice whispered to Maudie that Damon made her wet herself when he looked at her like he does. That seems kind of strange. Maybe it was that Damon had told her a funny story and she laughed so hard she wet herself._

_The other thing that happened was a little later when it was dark outside. I went outside and went around back to use the privy. I saw Daniel Fishman with two other boys near a lantern. They were looking at something and laughing and joking. I didnt want to walk near them so I hung back. Then they walked away and I saw one of the boys drop something. I went and picked it up. It was some sort of picture post card. I took a quick look at it. Well, I got a surprise. It was a picture of a naked lady lying on a bed with a naked man lying on top of her between her legs. I was shocked. On the other hand, I figured that this was how people mated, not like the animals. I put the picture inside my shirt and moved away from the light. I still had to pass my water, but I heard Daniels voice coming closer so I moved off into the dark bushes. He and his friends were looking for the picture. They didn't find it. They will never find it._

_December 1859 I was up early this morning because I wanted to show the picture to Damon. I would never show it to Father. I went to Damons room and knocked softly. He didn't answer so I opened the door. The room was dark because he had all the drapes closed. I went to his bed and woke him up. I could tell he had a hangover. His breath smelled bad. He growled at me and asked what I wanted. In the dim light I showed him the picture. He squinted at it with his bloodshot eyes. He groaned and closed his eyes and then looked again. He asked me where I got it and I told him. I asked him right out if that was the way human beings mated and he mumbled yes and told me to go away. I left his room. Im satisfied. I have to say though that I try not to picture Father and Mama doing that. Does it hurt the lady? The lady in the picture is smiling so I guess she doesnt mind. I also have to say that looking at the picture and thinking about it makes my pisser stiffen up._

A/N Our boy is growing up. Comments?


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4_

_A/N Some of you have already read this chapter as part of the old Chapter 2. Skip it if you have. Chapter 5 or 6 will be new. _

_"This and That"_

_March 1860 People are talking a lot about who will be the next president of this country. Father and Mr. Gilbert argue about it. They agree that the states should have the right to make their own laws especially about slavery. Mr. Gilbert has three house servants that are from Ireland. They are indentured servants, but they aren't really slaves. He has no Negro slaves. We have quite a few, some as house servants and some as field hands. Growing up I never thought about it much. I love the house servants and Silas who looks after our horses. Father says I have to stay away from the field hands. I hear them singing sometimes but I don't think they are happy._

_Theres a thing called the underground railroad. It is not a railroad at all. Its a name they give to hiding runaway slaves and sneeking them up north or to Canada. Father has lost three field hands that I know of to that railroad. Its illegal to help slaves run away. They are private property and cost money._

_June 1860 Damon is home from school again for the summer. His birthday is next week. He will be twenty years old. He seems different in many ways. I guess its because he is a man now and he knows so much more than I do. He still argues with Father but it seems like they argue like two men instead of a man and a boy. Damon says he agrees with states rights but he has mixed feelings about the slaves. He says his thoughts on it have changed since he went to college. He says he actually talked to a well educated Negro man about slavery. If Damon thinks having slaves is wrong then it confuses me. Father asks how does Damon think he would run the farm without slaves? To tell the truth, I dont think Damon ever wants to run the farm. If he doesn't want to and if he goes away after college, maybe Father will teach me how to run the farm. I don't want to right away. What I want is to go to college like Damon, but I would never do anything to get expelled. I love learning._

_July 1860 Damon went with me today when I drove Mamas old phaeton buggy. I have been driving it now and then when Father says I can. I sometimes take Ilana for a ride. Today Damon and I set up what he calls an obstickal corse so I can show my skil at driving the horse and not nocking over anything. It was the first time I ever did that and I did rather well. He made me do it again and I did better. The horse Raven is easy to drive._

_A few years ago I went with Damon when he used a different horse and the phaeton to race some other boys. The phaeton got scraped up and Father whipped Damon for that. I hated that he used to whip my brother and make his back bleed._

_July 1860 I told Damon about seeing Ilana now and then. I have been on a couple of picnics with her family. Her brother David was not there. She is fun and we sometimes hold hands. Damon asked me if I have kissed her and I said no. Most of the time we just talk. She likes to read the same books I do. She wants to go to college too, but her family expects her to get married after she graduates from Mystic Falls school. Father told me that I can be her friend but I can't marry her even if some day we fall in love. He said the Fishmans are Jews. I have learned that there are only two families of Jews in Mystic Falls. There are only three families that go to the small Roman Catholic church called Saint Johns. They have a priest instead of a minister. Damon tells me that there is some religious intolerance in our town. Apparently so._

_August 1860 Uncle Luigi Salvatore came to visit! He is Father's brother. Father has two older brothers. The oldest one is named Edoardo, but Father calls him Ed. Uncle Ed and Uncle Luigi were born in Florence, Italy. They came with their parents, my grandparents, to America and settled in Savana Georgia. Father was born there. He says they all spoke Italian in their house. Father and his brothers mostly learned English in school. My Salvatore grandparents died in an epidemic of some disease about the time Damon was born._

_Father has not been on good terms with his brothers. They don't write letters to each other unless someone dies. Uncle Luigi came to Mama's funeral but he didn't bring his family and Uncle Ed and his family didn't come. I don't know any of my Salvatore cousins. Uncle Luigi seems sad and it is because Uncle Ed is ailing and may not live much longer. He wants Father to go visit Uncle Ed before he dies. _

_Damon told me this afternoon that the reason Father's family isn't close to him is because he married a woman who was not Roman Catholic and he didn't raise his sons to be Catholic. That's Damon and me. Damon says Father was excommunicated from the church which means Father couldn't go to the Catholic church anymore. That doesn't seem fair to me. Mama was a wonderful Christian person and Father loved her. Why would his church not like her and punish him?_

_August 1860 Father has gone to Savana with Uncle Luigi to see Uncle Ed. Damon and I didn't go. I was hoping I could go and get to meet my cousins. And it would be my first trip out of Virginia. Father said no I could not go. I have to stay home and Damon will look out for me. So will the servants, of course. Father and Uncle Luigi took the stagecoach to Charlottesville to get a train. I sure wish I was with them._

_August 1860 Father has not come back yet. Damon got a telegram from Father. The message said Uncle Ed died a day after Father got to Savana. Im glad Father got to see his brother before he died. Father is staying for the funeral. I would feel terribal if anything happened to Damon. I think he is half my life._

_August 1860 I was at the Fishman house today when something happened. I was sitting on the porch swing with Ilana and we were talking. Ilana suddenly bent over with her hand on her belly like she was in pain. She stood up and I saw blood on the back of her dress. I told her what I saw because I feared she didn't know she was bleeding. I thought maybe she had a problem with her bowels. She looked frightened and cried and ran in the house. Her mother came out and told me to go home. She said Ilana was all right so I rode my horse home. I went to Damon and told him what happened. He explained that the bleeding happens to girls and women every month, year after year, except when they are with child. For years! I am so glad I am a boy!_

_August 1860 Mary O'Toole has invited me to go on a Sunday picnic with her and her family. She also asked me to go with her to the service called mass at her church before the picnic. That is the Roman Catholic church Saint Johns. I wasn't sure I should go there. I thought maybe there was some rule against going to a different kind of church. So I asked Damon, my well of information. He said he has been with college friends to such services in Charlottesville and in Williamsburg. I didn't know that. He said its different and interesting. The only preachers Ive ever heard are Rev. Fell at the Baptist church and Rev. Smith at the Presbyterian church. Our family doesn't go to church much except for weddings and funerals._

_August 1860 I did go this morning to Saint Johns with the O'Tooles. Like Damon said, it was different and interesting. It was in Latin! A lot of it. The priest is Father Flanagan. He has an Irish accent. There are a lot of statues of saints there. Its a pretty church inside, but small. I understand now why I have seen Father make the sign of the cross a few times when he thinks no one is looking. He also has a string of beads. He is still Catholic in his heart I think._

_August 1860 I've been thinking about something since Sunday when I went to church with the O'Tooles. I rode into town today and I went over to the Catholic church and asked to see the priest. According to the sign out front, his name is Sean Flanagan. I'm sure that is Irish and he has the accent to go with it. A lady dusting a statue told me the priest was in his office and she pointed me in that direction. Mary had told me that the priest heard people's confessions of sins they had committed and he kept them secret. Then the priest told them to say Hail Marys and Our Fathers and their sins were forgiven. That doesn't really make sense to me. I have a few sins but the one that still nags me after a whole year is what happened to the piano. I haven't even told Billy because I was afraid he would tell his father and Mr. Gilbert would tell Father._

_Father Flanagan smiled when I walked into his office. I introduced myself. He nodded and said I was Giuseppe's son and I should have been brought up in the church. I guess he knew Father used to be Catholic. He frowned but then he smiled and asked what I wanted. I told him what Mary O'Toole said about confessing sins and him keeping secrets and forgiving the sins. I asked if I could tell him a sin and if he would keep it a secret. He said he couldn't officially hear my confession and he couldn't forgive my sin, but he would listen if I wanted to tell him and he wouldn't tell anyone unless I had commited a haynous crime. I figured ruining the piano was not a haynous crime like killing someone._

_He closed the door to his office and sat back down at his desk. I had a hard time getting started but I told him about spilling the water on the piano and that it was ruint and I was afraid Father would find out and whip me with the riding crop until my bottom bled. Father Flanagan frowned at the whipping and then he asked if I was really sorry that I had ruint the piano and I said yes, espeshally because it was Mama's piano and she loved to play it when she was alive. No one played it any more. I had tears running down my face by then but it felt good to tell someone what I did and that I was sorry. Father Flanagan said what was important was that I was really sorry for what I did. That I was repenant. When I left his office, I really felt a lot better about it. I'm glad I talked to him. I won't tell Father or Damon about talking to the priest._


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5_

_A/N Another chapter that some of you have read already._

_"A Nude and A Broken Hand"_

_August 1860 Damon has to go back to Williamsburg. Father hasn't come back from Savana and Damon is worried about leaving me alone. I wont be alone. The servants are here and I'm not a child. I can look after myself. You would think I could not dress myself and get myself to school. In three months I will be thirteen years old. Let me repeat - I am not a child._

_September 1860 School starts tomorrow. I am looking forward to that. Some of my friends like school and some do not. I miss Damon already. I think he was eager to see his friends at college again. I guess he was kind of bored here. Some of his friends here have moved away. _

_I dont feel very well this morning. I think I will stop writing and lie down on my bed for a while. I better put this book under my mattress with the others. I dont like to leave it out on my desk where someone could read it. _

_September 1860 I have been very sick. A week has gone by and I dont remember most of it. Father is back and he has been worried about me. I feel very weak but today I got up to sit at my desk and write for a few minutes. They say I had a bad fever and threw up a lot and had loose bowels. I am glad I dont remember that. I must have been like an infant that has to be changed and cleaned up a lot. It is embarrassing to think about._

_Sophie is here and says I have to get back in bed now. I do feel cold and damp with sweat. She will help me back into bed. She says she will put my book under my mattress. I guess she knew I keep it there. She cannot read. If Father has looked at my journals, he has not said anything about what I wrote._

_September 1860 I finally went back to school. I missed the first two weeks. Billy Gilbert brought some of our assignments to me so I did some reading and math before I went back to school. After school I was tired but I went with Billy and Carlton Lockwood to Carlton's house. Mr. Lockwood bought a new statue. He has quite a few on the grounds out behind the house and inside the house. They are bronz and marbel. Some are men and some are women. Two of the men are naked but have leaves covering their private parts. The women are dressed in long gowns or cloth drapes. That's in marbel or bronz of course. The new statue is marbel and about four feet tall. It is a naked lady standing beside a tree stump. She is really naked. No cover at all. I wonder if some lady posed for that._

_Carlton also took us into his father's den. I've never been in there before. Billy and I were surprised that there is a painting of a naked lady in there. Its more realistic in its colors. There are little angels in the painting too. Billy made a joke about the woman's crotch and we all started to laugh. I have to admit in no time all three of us has stiff pissers. Maybe I should not write that here. Then again, nobody but me is supposed to read this. After that, we had to sneak out of there before we were discovered._

_I guess some day I will see a real lady naked, but honestly, I'm in no rush. I like the paintings and the statues, but I'm not ready for the real thing. I must note here that I am trying to include apostrofies in my writing now. My teacher says I must improve my punctuation. At least my speling is much improved._

_November 1860 I had my birthday today. I am thirteen years old. Damon didn't come home for Thanksgiving. I miss him. Gramma in Richmond sent me a book for my birthday. It's a fiction story printed just this year. I look forward to reading it. Father bought me a new horse. He says I'm getting a bit too tall to ride Lightning. I really like Lightning and I don't want a new horse, but I can't tell him that._

_November 1860 Father is not happy that Abraham Lincoln got elected to be the next president. There is talk that some of the states south of us want to form their own country so no one will try to tell them that slavery is bad. I can't imagine any state leaving the United States of America. I mean it was just 90 years ago that this country was formed and now they want to leave? Father says Virginia isn't talking seriously about any such thing._

_Speaking of odd things, there is some talk that the western part of Virginia, on the other side of the Allegheny Mountains, wants to become a separate state. What is this world coming to?_

_December 1860 A bunch of the states across the southern part of our country have seceded! I can't believe it. North Carolina and Virginia are still the same. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm a bit fearful about this._

_December 1860 Damon is home for Christmas. It's so good to see him. He has grown a short beard and it looks good. Different, but good. I showed him my new horse and we went riding together. To tell you the truth, this new horse is easier to handle than Lightning was. Father says its because Damon never had a chance to ride him and undo some of his good manners._

_My horse is named Webster. He is a dark bay with four white stockings. Some people say the white feet on a horse are weak and don't hold the shoes well. We shall see._

_Damon and Father are arguing politics. I don't want to hear it._

_December 1860 Today Damon and I rode out together again. We were galloping along the path beside Willow Creek, Damon leading the way. Webster stepped wrong and went down. I hit the dirt pretty hard because the ground is frozen. I was unconscious for a minute I think. When I woke up Damon was sitting on the ground holding my head in his lap. He looked very worried until I said I was all right. I was a little dizzy and there were two of Damon for a long moment. _

_My left wrist hurt a lot, but it didn't seem to be broken. Back when I was five or six I fell off my pony on the same path and nearly fell into the creek when it was full of rushing water. I hurt my left wrist that time too._

_Webster was all right, but he was limping slightly when we rode back home. He had thrown one of his front shoes. I don't know if he tripped because he threw the shoe or he threw the shoe when he tripped. Father was not happy when he heard the news._

_This evening I am really sore. I have some scrapes and bruises and a lump on my head. Sophie made a hot bath for me and I soaked in the tub. It felt good. Father yelled at Damon and said he was always causing trouble. My fall wasn't Damon's fault. At least he can't whip Damon anymore._

_Father hasn't whipped me since the time I broke Mama's vase. Instead, if he gets mad at me, I have to stay in my room and miss supper. I'm a growing boy and I get really hungry. I hate missing supper._

_December 1860 Damon is getting ready to return to Williamsburg. He leaves in the morning. Of course I will miss him again._

_January 1861 Father broke his right hand today. I was in school so I didn't know about it until I got home. Joshua drove Father into town to the doctor and the doctor did his best to fix his hand. Father does not have good handwriting and I think it is going to be worse after this._

_January 1861 I have to put the numbers in the ledger book for Father. He can't write at all. He tells me what to write and in what colum. I'm learning some things about the farm that I didn't know._

_January 1861 It was really cold today. I got a letter from Damon this afternoon. The first thing it said was to not tell Father. Damon got expelled from school again. He didn't explain why. He says he has moved to Richmond and is a guest of one of Mama's brother's families, one of our uncles. It's the same part of the family that is raising my little brother Peter. He says Peter is a nice boy and smart. All of Mama's family live close to each other. I wish I could visit Richmond and meet them. I'm curious about Peter._

_February 1861 A terrible thing happened this morning. I didn't write about the first part yesterday because I wasn't sure and it was none of my business. At school yesterday there were whispered rumors among the older boys and we younger ones heard them. The story, true or not, was that one of the fifteen year old girls, I won't name her, let an older boy have his way with her. He took her virginity. The rumor says he hurt her and she was bleeding enough that she had to tell her mother last night. She didn't say that the white boy did it. She named a Negro man!_

_The man she named was Caleb Washington! I know Caleb and I don't believe he did what she said. Caleb worked for Father years ago training a race horse for us. The young stallion got colic so bad one day and was suffering so much that Father had Caleb put him out of his misery. It was a sad day. Caleb then worked for other people training horses. He was a free man of color and after a while he married and they lived in a little house on a rough patch of land._

_The girl knew Caleb because he had trained a horse for her father. I suppose that is why she chose him to accuse. That was a terrible thing for her to do. Her father and some other men went after Caleb this morning. They got to him before the sheriff could arrest him. That's when the terrible thing happened. They beat Caleb and hanged him! It makes me shake just to think of it. He was lynched before he could ever face a judge and jury and I think he was innocent! That is so wrong!_

_Everyone was talking about it at school. That's how I learned about it. I am so glad Father wasn't part of that group of men. I don't know what I would have done if he had been. I think I would have run away to find Damon. I wish I could talk to Damon. I can't tell Father about the rumor among the boys, but I would tell Damon. The only one I can talk to is Billy. He says we have to keep quiet. What is done is done. Saying anything against what happened won't bring Caleb back. I am just so shaken about this._

_February 1861 I wrote to Damon. I have the address because he put it in his letter. I took it to school and mailed it in town so Father wouldn't see the address and know Damon was not in Williamsburg. I wonder how long Damon will stay in Richmond. I wonder how long it will be before Father finds out Damon isn't in school any more._

_I told Damon about Caleb. I hope he writes back soon._

_February 1861 The business about Caleb has died down. I got a letter from Damon and he says he is sorry to hear about what happened. He says things are going to change. There is a lot of talk about trouble between the northern states and the southern ones. The ones that seceded are now called the Confederate States of America. Damon says Virginia might have to make up its mind pretty soon about which way they want to go. I know Father and Mr. Gilbert are worried about all this. I am worried about this._

_February 1861 Father actually talked to me today about how I should behave with girls. Most of what he said I already knew from Damon. Father is concerned that I am growing up and might come to know a girl in the biblical sense. That means intimately. He says there are diseases I can get if I am not careful. He told me about something to use for "protection." But mostly he doesn't want me to cause a girl to get with child like Damon did. I didn't know Damon did that! He never told me. I wonder who the girl was and where the baby is. Maybe she was one of the slave women. Maybe Damon doesn't care. I think he flits from one woman to another. I love my brother, but I don't really want to be like him in several ways. He jokes about a lot of things and can be very disrespectful. He often sneers about things and rolls his eyes which can be annoying. But that is just Damon's way._

_February 1861 The Confederate States elected a man named Jefferson Davis as their new president. I guess they are really serious about being a separate country. I am so worried that Virginia will join those states. The idea scares me and I'm not sure why. I like things to stay the same and on an even keel, as they say. It makes me feel safe._

_February 1861 I was over to Billy's house today. His father is such an interesting man. He keeps those journals, dozens of them. He also writes books. Some people think he is really strange because he writes about witches and vampires. An old story says some witches really were burned in this area a long time ago. I don't know that they really were witches, but people believed they were. As for the vampires, they are supposed to be people who died but came alive again and have to drink blood from people to continue to exist. They can only come out at night, according to Mr. Gilbert. He is a terrific teller of scary tales. He has such a wonderful imagination._

_Mr. Gilbert says Virginia will likely side with the new country because Virginia is a slave state. He says all this is probably not a good idea because the southern states don't have the factories they need. They are mostly farming states. The southern states do a lot of trading with Europe, selling the cotton and tobacco and other crops. Father sells our hay crop locally. There are people who live in Mystic Falls who have horses but don't have good pastures or hay for winter. It's the same for milk cows._

_February 1861 Billy and I were talking to a boy named Carl today. Carl is a year younger than us, but he looks younger than that. It is strange how we boys don't grow up at the same age. Billy and I have both had what Damon says are sometimes called "wet dreams." I'm glad Damon warned me about that so I wouldn't be surprised. Billy and I both admitted to each other that we sort of play with our privates because the result can really feel good. Adults say we are not supposed to do that, but Damon says just about every boy and man does it. It's certain that he does. _

_Carl doesn't have wet dreams yet so we told him all about it. Father and Damon both say I have to be careful because I'm making seed now that can make a baby. I think that isn't a problem as long as I don't lie with a girl or woman. I'm not planning on it any time soon._

_I'm a little taller than Billy now. I wonder how tall I will become. Damon is slightly taller than Father. I imagine I will be, too. It would be odd if I grew up to be taller than Damon._

_March 1861 I have been sick this week. I have the mumps! I never did get this sickness when I was younger like so many children. I somehow missed it. My jaw is all swolled up. I look like a chipmonk and it hurts. I don't feel good at all. The new doctor came to see me. His name is Kinsey Gilbert and he is Billy's oldest brother. His father is very proud of him. _

_Dr. Gilbert asked me if my testiculs hurt at all and I had to admit that they did. They are swolled a bit, too. He told me and my father that it was possible that I might not ever be able to father children. I was shocked. I asked if he meant my pisser would not work for when I got married and he said that was not the problem. He said my testiculs might stop making seed, what he calls sperms. (Do sperm whales make tons of sperms?) I am disappointed. I hoped some day to marry the right woman and raise a family with her. Another generation of Salvatores. Dr. Gilbert said maybe I still would father children and I better not act like I am totally incapabul until I can be tested. How am I going to test that, I ask you? I'm not going to run out and get a girl with child just so I know I can. I should have asked what he meant, but Father asked him some other question and I didn't ask him about the test._

_March 1861 I am recovering from the mumps. I wrote to Damon and told him, but then I could not let Father take the letter to town. He would see that the address is in Richmond and he would ask why Damon was in Richmond. I will be back in school next week and I can take the letter to the post office. The stage coach carrying the mail goes right by our farm but it does not stop for someone waving a letter at the driver._


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter 6_

_A/N Straightening out the previous chapters was difficult, but I think things are in reasonably good order. Not perfect, but I tried. Thanks for being patient with me. This is a new chapter. Hopefully I will post it correctly. _

"_Assault and War Talk"_

_April 1861 A lot of people around here are upset because there was a clash between Mr. Lincoln's military and South Carolina. There's a fort in the harbor of Charleston called Ft. Sumter and it was fired upon. That's not far from Savannah, Georgia where Father's kin live. Some folks say this could lead to real war. I don't want our country to have war! Already they are calling the northern part the Union with Mr. Lincoln president and the southern part the Confederacy with Mr. Davis president. This does not bode well, as Mr. Gilbert says._

_April 1861 I can't believe it! Virginia has decided to join the Confederacy just like a lot of folks said we would. We are in a different country now! I don't know what is going to happen. It really worries me._

Warning: the following paragraphs deal with a sexual attack of a boy Stefan knows. Skip these if you don't want to read them.

_April 1861 A bad thing happened at school today. Well, really after school. I wanted to get a note book from the school store room. Billy said he would wait for me outside so I went in alone. The students were gone but the teachers were still there and I had permission to get the note book. I went into the library because the store room is off that room. The door was closed so I opened it. There's a window in there for light._

_I saw something that just froze me in my tracts. Scott Morell was there leaning over with his hands on a chair. The teacher Mr. Garrick was standing behind Scott and leaning over him. Their pants were down. Mr. Garrick had a hand over Scott's mouth and I could tell he was hurting Scott. I saw what he was doing, but I could hardly believe it! I couldn't move for a long moment and then I ran out of there. I ran to Mr. Moss's office. He's the school principal. He was talking to my teacher Mrs. Shiffly. I ran in there screaming to come quick. Mr. Garrick was hurting Scott. They did follow me to the library. The door to the store room was closed again and they threw it open. I didn't go near it. I heard Mrs. Shiffly screaming at Mr. Garrick and she was furious. I ran out of there. I didn't want to hear any more or see Scott._

_Outside I ran to where Billy was sitting on a bench. He asked me what was wrong. What happened? I couldn't tell him right away. I was shaking. I said let's go home and I headed for the road. As we walked home I did tell him what I saw. He was as shocked as I was. No, he wasn't. He didn't actually see it. I was still shaking inside._

_We came to Billy's house before mine so we went in to tell his father. Mr. Gilbert is much easier to talk to than my father. Still, it was not easy to tell him what I saw. It was Billy who told him first. I have heard of such a thing but I really wasn't sure it was true. Mr. Gilbert said that even though the laws of the land and the Bible say the act called sodomy is wrong, some people do it anyway. He said it is especially wrong if it is forced on someone, like rape. It is doubly wrong if the victim is a child. I agree completely._

_I went home but I didn't tell Father. Then the sheriff came to the house and talked to Father. Of course, Father called me down from my room to talk to him and the sheriff. I had to admit to them what I saw. The sheriff asked if I told anyone else and I said Billy and his father. The sheriff said that it would be best for Scott if what happened could be kept a secret. He asked me to keep quiet unless the case went to court. That was all right with me. I didn't want to talk about it to anyone else._

_Father asked if Mr. Garrick was under arrest and the sheriff said he was – for striking with undo force an unnamed child. I don't know if Mr. Garrick struck Scott or not, but he was certainly forcing him. Father asked if Scott was seriously injured and the sheriff said no. I bet he was hurting, none the less. I don't know how all this will come to an end. I wish I hadn't gone for the note book, but if I had not, perhaps Scott really would have been seriously injured. I just don't know. It makes me feel sick. To tell the truth, it makes my own bottom hurt every time I picture what I saw._

_April 1861 It's odd, but nothing much has been said about what happened. Scott was not at school. Mr. Garrick was not at school. There was a substitute teacher for his class. No one has said anything to me. I know Billy and his father were told to keep quiet about the whole thing._

_April 1861 Scott Morell and his little sister were taken to North Carolina to live with some cousins. Mr. Morell works for the saw mill down by the falls just outside town here. I guess he and his wife are staying in Mystic Falls without their children. Father says he doesn't know what happened to Mr. Garrick, but he's not in the county jail anymore. I'm not sure that's the truth. I mean about Father not knowing. All I care is that he is gone._

_May 1861 School is almost over for the year. I'm looking forward to summer. I hope Damon will come home. I never wrote him about Scott. I would like to tell him and see what he has to say. Father is calling me. I wonder what he wants. His voice sounds angry. I don't like the sound of that._

_Well, Father was angry all right. He demanded to know when I had last written to Damon and I told him two weeks ago. And to where did I mail the letter he asked. I didn't lie. I told him I sent it to Richmond. Well, it seems Father sent a letter to Williamsburg. The college sent it back along with a letter that said Damon had not been there in months. He had been dismissed. Father asked if I knew Damon had been dismissed from the school. I didn't want to say yes. I hesitated._

_A funny thing happened. Before I could answer, Damon walked into Father's study! His timing was perfect. He had a big grin on his face, but when he saw the looks on our faces, his grin went away. Father walked over to him and slapped him hard across the face. He knocked Damon back a couple of steps. He tripped on the rug and sat down hard. He looked surprised and then angry and I was afraid he would jump up and have a fist fight with Father._

_Father told him about the letter from William and Mary College. Damon gave him a crooked smile and shrugged. He got up off the floor. Father asked where he had been and he said with the Remingtons in Richmond. Damon admitted that he had written to me and asked me not to tell. Father glared at me and told me to go to my room. So here I am in my room. They are downstairs arguing. I can't hear what they are saying, but they are yelling. It's the same as before. Nothing changes between them._

_Damon must be home to stay. He brought his trunk with him. I'm glad to have him home but I suspect things are not going to be pleasant._

_This is a late addition. Damon came to my room after he had settled back in his room. He gave me a hug and said he missed his little brother. I'm not as little as I used to be, but he is still a few inches taller than me. Some day I plan to catch up. He told me Father is not happy to have him home. He is angry that Damon wasted his education money. Damon says he learned a lot and not all of it from books and lectures. Richmond is a city of commerce, culture and politics. He says the Confederacy will use it as its capital. That's odd because it is not far from Washington City._

_He stayed talking to me for quite a while and I enjoyed it. It's so good to see him again. After a while I told him what happened to Scott Morell. He listened and he didn't show surprise or shock. I have learned that Damon pretends never to be shocked by anything. It's as if he has heard it all before or he's seen it all before. There's a word for that, but I don't remember what it is._

_Something in his face made me suspicious. Maybe that little quirk at the corner of his mouth. I asked him outright if he had done that before, the sodomy thing. I really hoped he didn't say he had been with a man. I didn't want my brother to be one of those. He admitted he had done it once, but with a woman! I was surprised. Why with a woman? Why would she let him? He said she asked him to do it and he didn't want to. He had never done that and the idea disgusted him a little. He said the woman kept after him, even after they did normal things in bed, and he finally gave in. I asked him what he thought afterward. He admitted that it had been an interesting experience and it had felt good to him. He also said he would not want to be on the receiving end of the act. I should hope not! Lastly he said I better not tell anyone what he told me about that. I promised I wouldn't._

_June, 1861 Damon had some of his friends here for dinner tonight. It is his twenty first birthday. Father was polite, but not very friendly. Most of the talk was about politics. Most every one thinks there will be some sort of military clash because Mr. Lincoln moved some Union troops just over the river into Virginia. They are probably there to protect that side of Washington._

_The Confederacy has called southerners to create an army. I'm not sure just what is going on. Every state has militia men who volunteer to come together to settle trouble. Also, many men who used to be in the American army are living in the south, so I guess they are part of the southern army now. There are plenty of officers, too, some of them from West Point Academy which is up north. All this is really worrisome._

_June 1861 Father has said Damon must join the army. He can't stay at home and do nothing. Damon says he will join, not because he believes in slavery any more, but because he believes in state's rights to choose slavery or not. And he has no idea what else he really wants to do. I don't like the idea of him being in the army. Soldiers get shot and killed. On the other hand, it is the patriotic thing to do. We are born and bred Virginians and I feel loyal. But I still feel like I am an American. My home hasn't moved. _

_It's like being on a sports team and we were chosen by the other side. Actually, other people chose for me_

_July 2, 1861 Father has trouble with one of the fieldhands. He was short two slaves for harvesting the hay this month, so he bought one in Charlottesville. Mr. Stubb, our overseer, came to Father today and said the new slave Nary is dangerous and hard to control. He attacked one of the other slaves with a sickle. Mr. Stubb says he whipped him, and put him in leg shackles, but he thinks the Negro will attack again. He says he may have to shoot him if he comes at someone else with a sickle. He recommends that Father sell Nary and take a loss. Father will have to buy another worker. The hay has to be harvested at least a couple of times a year. It's our income._

_I am completely aware of the farm's finances and most of the inventory because I am still writing in the ledger book for Father. His broken hand is healed but it isn't as good as it was before. And he never had good handwriting. He has encouraged me to do the bookkeeping. Some of it I can do myself and some I do with him. I surely know more about this farm than Damon ever did._

_July 3, 1861 I was in the barn today and almost was killed! I went into my horse's stall and someone grabbed me from behind. He had an arm around my waist and the other around my throat. I didn't have to see his face to know it was the slave Nary. He is big and strong, which is why Father bought him. _

_He dragged me out of the stall and into the center isle. The stableman Silas heard us as I struggled to free myself. I was terrified that I was going to be killed. Silas confronted Nary with a pitchfork and told him to let me go. Nary tightened his grip on my throat and made it hard for me to breath. I could still hear all right and I heard Nary tell Silas that he was a free man and he shouldn't be a slave. He said he had lost his papers and he had been kidnapped into slavery. I don't know if he was lying or not, but he spoke better than many of the other slaves. Maybe he just was clever._

_He told Silas to get a hack saw to cut the shackles off his legs, but Silas said not until he let me go. Nary said no, cut the shackles first. I quit struggling because I was getting dizzy. Then there was a loud bang and Nary let go of me. He fell off to the side and I fell because I was dizzy. I crawled away from him as fast as I could and then turned to see what had happened. Mr. Stubb was standing there with a smoking pistol. Nary was lying on the floor with a bullet hole in his head. There was blood and stuff. I had to look away. I also must admit that I found I had wet my pants during my struggles. I was shaking._

_Father came from the house as fast as he could, which wasn't fast because he has gout in his foot again and is using a crutch. He had his pistol, but he didn't need it. I was still on the floor, but I got up. Silas and Mr. Stubb told Father what had happened. Well, Mr. Stubb had warned Father about Nary. Father asked me if I was hurt and I said no. We walked back to the house together and Father actually put his arm across my shoulders. I can't remember the last time he did that. I liked it and it made me feel better._

_A/N I know some of what Stefan is writing is harsh, but I think I have to let him report what happened. Things were different in those days in some ways. In other ways, not._


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7_

"_News from the War Front"_

_ July 3(it's still Wednesday) It's getting late but I want to add more to what I wrote earlier after what happened this afternoon. Father reported to the sheriff what had happened to the slave Nary. Father even told him that the man had claimed all along to be a free man who had lost his papers. Not that it really mattered because he had become a slave anyway. This does happen sometimes. Father wanted the sheriff to know so that it would be on record in case any of his family came looking for him, Nary, I mean._

_He has been buried on the plot of our land where several slaves are buried. Most of them died of sicknesses. Two of them are little babies. I know they were born in wintertime and didn't survive. One of them was Cook's baby. She is Silas's wife. Her name is Amaka. They jumped the broom a long time ago with Father's blessing. They have a daughter, too, named Sooner. She is one of the house servants, a maid. She is older than Damon by three years I think._

_ When Damon came home in the evening, he was upset to hear what had happened to me. He gave me a hug and said he was glad I was all right. I wish he was going to stay on the farm and help Father, but I know he's going to leave._

_July10, 1861 Damon left today to go to Charlottesville to join the army. That's where local men are going to join up. He gave me a good hug before he left and said to take care of everything. He knows I'm helping Father with things. He knows Father drinks too much and that the gout is getting worse. Silas drove him in the buggy._

_I worry more about Damon being in the army than I did about him being so far away in Williamsburg. He is probably going to get to see more of the country. The Confederacy, anyway. I think he is never going to be happy coming back to this farm and this small town. The city is much more interesting to him._

_July 15, 1861 We received a nice photograph of Damon in the mail today, plus a letter. He is officially in the army and he had his picture taken in his new uniform. He looks very handsome. He said there is no one uniform type for the Confederate army like the Northern army has because men are joining up in so many places and being given different uniforms. He says they have learned to march, but some of the men don't know their right foot from their left. Many of the men brought their own muskets like he did. Others had to be given guns and had to learn how to shoot them. He hoped no one was accidentally shot by one of these men. He's sure he will only have to serve for a few months or a year at the most and then he will be home. I hope he will be safe._

_July 18, 1861 Our town gets its outside news by the telegraph. The office is in town and the newspaper publisher, Mr. Donovan, puts the paper out once a week. He and some of the local folks also get Charlottesville newspapers from the mail coach. Lately he has been posting a broadside daily because of the secession and other events. There was a small military clash recently, but I forgot where it was. Today the news is that the soldiers in Charlottesville are moving east by train. I guess that means Damon has gone with them._

_July 19, 1861 Everyone in the house has been sick this evening, even the servants. Billy and several of my other friends had a nice picnic by our pond. There's a big white oak branch that hangs out over the water and we can swing out and drop in. The pond is deep in the middle where there is a spring. Father didn't join us, but he ate the same food. So did the house staff. By this evening we all got belly aches with vomiting and the diaria. We are sure it was something we ate. It's a good thing we have plenty of chamber pots. I suppose Billy and the others are having the same problem. _

_I don't know which is worse, the diaria or stopped bowels. I seem to be prone to the second. I hate that misery. Sophie makes me take doses of castor oil or some other medicine. None of it tastes good and it usually makes the belly ache worse for a while. There are other treatments, but I won't mention them here._

_July 20, 1861 We received a letter from Damon. I always look forward to them. It was written just before he left for the east. It mostly describes more about camp life. There are a lot of men living close together. There are tents and fires to cook over and latrines for the usual use. The weather is hot, of course, and everyone is sweating. He describes the food. Damon isn't used to such accommodations and grub. He's used to living a lot better and eating "high on the hog."_

_July 21, 1861 The news today was very worrisome! There is a real conflict going on between the Northern troops and our boys over in Manassas Junction. That's not far from Washington. Soldiers were killed! We don't know how many or who. Where is Damon? Was he there? Is he all right? How will we find out? I am scared for him. So is Father. I am not good at praying, but I'm going to say a prayer that God watches over Damon._

_July 22, 1861 We spent a lot of time in town by the telegraph office and the newspaper office. Everyone wants to know what is happening. We are not the only ones here with a family member in the army. The word is that our boys sent the other side and the onlookers packing back to Washington. But there were more soldiers wounded and killed than we thought. I am sick with worry about Damon. I have a bellyache, but it is just from worry._

_July 23, 1861 Daniel Fishman's family has learned that he was wounded at Manassas Junction. The doctor cut off his leg! He is in a hospital, but soon they will send him home. Much as I dislike him, I feel sorry for him. He is eighteen and just finished school and now he is a cripple. I know there are lots of things a one-legged man can do. I know he was planning to go to college. I also know his father wanted him to work in the bank. I suspect he will be able to do these things._

_Where is Damon? If he can, I wish he would write and let us know he is still alive._

_July 25, 1861 Finally we received a letter from Damon! He is well. He was at Manassas Junction and was in the second wave of fighting, but he was not hurt. He said it was terrible to see men injured or killed. Some were lying in the water of the creek called Bull Run. He doesn't know if he hit any one when he fired his musket. He hopes this fighting will stop and the two countries can come to an agreement quickly. He wrote quite a long letter, but I won't repeat what he wrote. Much of it was in the newspaper._

_July 30, 1861 I went to the Salvatore moseleum (I'm sure that's not spelled right but I don't feel like looking it up.) It's in the cemetery by the church Mama sometimes took me and Damon to when I was little. Father had it built of marble during the year that Mama was carrying Peter. Damon once told me that Father didn't tell her about it. I guess he suspected that she might not survive Peter's birth. There is room there for four of us under the marble floor. Mama is the only one resting there, but I suppose some day Father will join her. With Damon in the army and going to battle I fear he will end up there too before he should. Or do they bury soldiers where they die? It's a frightening thought._

_I don't know why I visited Mama's grave today. I haven't been there is quite a while, but today I felt the need. I don't talk to Mama because I know her soul has gone to Heaven, but I somehow feel closer to her there, where her earthly body lies. She's been gone almost eight years._

_I am glad that we have pictures of Mama. The portrait of her in the parlor is so pretty. Sometimes I think about Mama and have a hard time remembering what her voice sounded like. She read the Bible to me and she read children's stories to me, but some of the memories are fading away. I don't like that. I want to remember her voice. Thinking this and writing it down has put tears in my eyes._

_Mama also sang songs sometimes when she played the piano. I loved when she did that. I remember when Damon and I would sing right along with her. It was so much fun. I'm sorry about the piano, Mama. I wish you were here to play it and it worked right. No one has found out I ruined it. I still feel guilty about that._

_A/N What do you all think? Is there too much about the war? I think it would be on Stefan's mind a lot because of Damon. Please feel free to comment._


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter 8_

_A/N I'm pleased with the number of readers. It's great. Thanks for the positive feedback. I love it._

"_The Piano"_

_ August 3, 1861 I came home from riding my horse a while ago. He threw another shoe. I guess what they say about a horse's white feet being weak is true. He throws shoes faster than any other horse we have. I brought the shoe home and Silas will tack it back on._

_ I can hear Father talking to someone downstairs. It's a lady. I wonder who that is. I'm going to go down and see._

_ Back again. Well, the lady turned out to be Mrs. Wainwright. The Wainwrights own the mercantile store in town. They have a big house, bigger than ours. Their son Stafford (we all call him Ford) is in my class at school. He's a bit of a bully, but not too bad. Anyway, Mrs. Wainwright wants to buy Mama's grand piano! I sort of whined to Father that we shouldn't sell Mama's piano. I shouldn't whine, but I was hoping to sway Father. If he sells the piano the truth will come out._

_ Father wants to sell it, it turns out, because no one plays it. Father told me Mrs. Wainwright's own grand piano burned up. A candelabra fell over on it, lit a big doily and the piano was damaged badly before the fire was put out. They were lucky their house didn't burn down._

_ Mrs. Wainwright asked if she could try out the piano and Father told her it had not been tuned in years. She still wanted to try it out. I left immediately and came back up here. Now I'm scared. They will look inside the piano and see the damage. I'm guessing the damage will be obvious, although I have never looked to see._

_ I can hear Mrs. Wainwright playing. It sounds awful! She has stopped. I bet they are looking inside. I hear Father calling to Sooner the maid. What will she say? As far as I know, she doesn't know what Damon and I did._

_ I can't hear what is being said, even though I am listening. I should go out in the hall and try to hear them. Oh,oh. No need. Father is calling me._

_August 4, 1861 I couldn't finish writing yesterday or last night. I'll come to that in a bit. First, I want to write what happened with the piano._

_ I went downstairs to face Father and Mrs. Wainwright. She was sitting on a chair there in the parlor, but Father was standing and scowling at me. I don't remember everything that was said, but I'll try to tell it here. This will be an exercise using quotes._

_ "Something happened to your mother's piano," Father said. "Do you know what happened?"_

_ "Yes, sir," I said. I was afraid, but I knew he wouldn't do anything to me with the lady sitting right there._

_ "Well, what?" Father demanded._

_ I told him I knocked over a vase full of flowers and water and that some of the water ran down inside. I didn't mention Damon. It wasn't his fault._

_ "When did this happen?" Father asked._

_ "About two years ago," I admitted._

_ "Why didn't you tell me?"_

_ "I was afraid you'd punish me." I expected Father to keep questioning me, but he didn't. He told me to sit in a chair and I did. He went back to talking to Mrs. Wainwright. He suggested that perhaps it would be best if she just bought a nice new piano. I know she can afford it. But she said she would still like to buy ours. She said for one thing it had belonged to her friend Elizabeth (that was Mama) and for another, it was a beautiful piano with lovely carved wood. She would have it rebuilt. Father agreed to this. I hated to see the piano leave our house, but I suppose it was going to waste just sitting there looking pretty._

_ After Mrs. Wainwright left in her carriage, Father turned to me, of course._

_ "You know I am angry with you and very disappointed," he said._

_ "Yes, sir. I know. I'm sorry, Father," I told him. "I felt so bad about hurting the piano. I tried to get all the water out of it, but I couldn't."_

_ "You didn't tell the maids?"_

_ "No, sir. I didn't want anyone to know. Especially you. I was scared you'd whip me."_

_ "I should whip you," he said. "You deserve it. You know that, don't you?"_

_ "I did repent, Father. I felt so bad about it that I went to talk to Father Flanagan."_

_ "The priest?" he asked and I could tell he was surprised. "Why would you do that?"_

_ I explained how Mary O'Toole had said he would listen to my confession and give me forgiveness. I told him about my talk with the priest. I had tears in my eyes again, but I didn't care. I still felt sorry for the whole thing._

_ Father just looked at me for a long time. Then he said I was to go up to the guest room and stay there. I was not to get anything from my own room. I was not to open the window in the guest room. Nor was I to leave the room for any reason, not even to go out to the privy._

_ There are six rooms upstairs, plus servant rooms in the attic. One of the rooms is Father's. One of the rooms was Mama's. One is my bedroom, which used to be the nursery. One is Damon's. One used to be our playroom and still has children's things in it. The sixth room is a guest room. It has a bed, dresser, wardrobe, table with lamp and chair, but not much more. No books. No journal. Nothing to do. I was confined to that room throughout the evening and night. I got no supper. I had nothing to drink. I had no night shirt. The room was hot and stuffy, but I didn't open the window. At least there was a chamber pot under the bed. Father checked in on me several times to see if I was doing as I was told. I was, but I was miserable. I was hot, hungry, thirsty, bored and feeling sorry for myself. At least he didn't whip me._

_ That is why I am writing in my journal this morning. I had a big breakfast and it tasted so good. I feel so relieved that the whole business of the piano is out in the open._

_ This is the same day, an addition. A big wagon came to the house this afternoon. Two men came for the piano. They took the legs off and carefully carried it out of the parlor and to the front door. Soon they had it up inside the wagon. It's an enclosed wagon so it won't get wet. It's raining today. They took the legs, too, of course, and the bench. Now there is a big empty space in the parlor where the piano sat all my life. I feel like more of Mama is gone._

_ August 10, 1861 I drove over to see Alana Freeman in the phaeton so that I could take her for a ride if she wanted it. When I got there, she invited me into her house to see her brother Daniel. He has arrived home. I greeted her parents. They looked tired. So did Alana. When she took me into the bedroom to see Daniel, I was shocked. He looked so pale and sick. Alana said he is taking laudanum for pain. I spoke to him and told him I hoped he felt better soon, but what else could I say? I could see that he had only one foot under the covers. And the room smelled of sickness. I was glad to get out of there. My worry about Damon increased a lot._

_ Alana accepted my invitation to ride in the buggy. She told me after a few minutes that she needed to get away from the house. Seeing her big brother as he is bothers her a lot. She said he screams and cries sometimes. She says it isn't just the pain. He told her that when he goes to sleep, he sees in his mind the terrible slaughter of fellow soldiers. I wonder if Damon does the same. Damon is stoic when it comes to crying. Will the killings get to him?_

_ Alana started to cry and she leaned against me. I put my arm around her while I drove the horse with the other hand. Her sun bonnet had fallen backward and I kissed the top of her head. Her hair smelled good and she felt soft in my arm. I told myself not to have impure thoughts while she was needing comfort._

_ After a while, she stopped crying. She dabbed at her face with her hankie and pulled her bonnet back into place. I would have liked to talk about nicer things, but of course her brother's situation was occupying her mind. Soon, I turned the horse around and I took her back to her house. She thanked me for the ride and for listening to her. She is a very nice girl. I like her more than any of the other girls I know._

_ When I got home I was surprised when Father asked me if I saw Daniel. I told him what I had seen and some of what Alana had said. If Father is worried about Damon, he didn't say so, but surely he must be. Much as he and Damon fight, I'm sure he doesn't want his older son injured or killed._

_ An addition. At dinner this evening Father asked me if I had written to Damon. I said I had written one letter since the July 21 battle. Father suggested I write again as he was sure the soldiers enjoyed letters from home. He said to be sure to tell him that his father says for him to keep himself safe. I don't know how Damon can do that, but I think the meaning is that Father cares for his safety. I am pleased that he has said it, even indirectly._

_A/N I'm having fun writing this, but sometimes I'm not sure what would be interesting for Stefan to write. Any ideas?_


	9. Chapter 9

_ Chapter 9_

_A/N Alert: Although this chapter has to do with sexual anatomy, it is not specific in detail so it should not offend anyone. Thank you to the readers and those of you who have reviewed. I love your comments._

"_The Little Book"_

_ August 12 , 1861 A person never knows what will come his way. I was over to the Gilbert house as I often am. Billy is my best friend and Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert are friendly people. They have three other children besides Billy. The oldest one is Kinsey the doctor. Then there is Roland. He will be going to college in Charlottesville in the fall. Then there is Amy who is two years older than Billy. _

_ What I found out today is that Mr. Gilbert wrote a small book, a booklet, really, that was for his children. It is about what to do on one's wedding night, how to act on that occasion. Billy told me that his father said he has been letting each of his children read the little book when they reached a certain age. It is a secret between the parents and the child. Of course the child is not a small child by the time he gets to read this book because it is about the intimate relationship between the new husband and his bride._

_ Billy has had his fourteenth birthday. He is getting to be taller than me and I know his private parts are bigger than mine. I guess his father felt it was time for him to read this book._

_ The reason I know about this secret book is because Billy asked his father if I could please read it, too. Mr. Gilbert took me and Billy into his library and talked to me. He told me what the book was about and asked me if I thought I was old enough to read it. I can't imagine any boy my age saying no. Of course I said yes. If Billy just read it and wanted me to do so, then of course I wanted to. _

_ Mr. Gilbert said I couldn't take the book out of his house. I would have to read it there and I was not to discuss it with anyone outside the house. I agreed. I asked him if Damon had read it and he said no. As a result of this conversation, I ended up in the library for over an hour reading and rereading the little book. Mr. Gilbert insisted that each reader read it twice. To do so helped one's understanding and one's memory of it._

_ Since it was a secret reading, I can't say here what was in it. I will say it encouraged patience. I will also say it was very descriptive. Very detailed. There were actually two simple drawings, one of the male parts and one of the female parts. It bothered me a little to know that the daughter Amy has read it, but it most certainly gave her an idea of what to expect on her wedding night. It also explained a few things that I had not envisioned from talks with Damon, Father or my friends. After all, I have never seen the female private parts. _

_Did I find myself stimulated while reading the book and studying the drawings? Yes. I was glad to be sitting over in the corner where no one could observe my condition. Mr. Gilbert remained at his desk writing something else. Billy stayed away. I must say that Mr. Gilbert is an excellent writer. I have to guess that he did the drawings, too._

_ When I finished the second reading I just sat there thinking about it and waiting for my arousal to go down. I didn't want either Mrs. Gilbert or Amy to notice it if they came to the room. It took a while. Mr. Gilbert saw that I was no longer reading and he came over to talk to me. I had a couple of questions and he answered them. He is easy to talk to._

_ After a while Billy and I went outdoors and sat and talked about the book. I'll admit that we joked a bit and laughed. Neither of us are ready to have sexual intercourse with a girl or a woman of ill repute. And we are years from getting married, but it is good to know the details of intimacy. And it's fun to joke about it. I wonder how old Damon was before his first real try at it. I wonder who he did it with._

_ When I came home I kept thinking about the book, of course. Something like that ought to be taught in school for students of a certain age. It never will be. Adults don't seem at all comfortable talking about intimate things with young people. It's as if we never considered such matters!_

_Mr. Gilbert should publish his book, but I don't know if that kind of book can be printed. Is it legal? Would the preachers get after him? I didn't tell Father about it nor will I mention it when I write again to Damon. I probably shouldn't even be writing about it in my journal. What if someone gets hold of it and reads this?_

_August 14, 1861 I drove over to see Alana and to ask her if she wanted to go for a drive. As I walked to the front door I heard loud crying. A chill ran up my spine. I knew Daniel had not been getting better. The family feared he would die because his leg was festering and the poison was spreading. As I stood there the front door opened and Alana ran out and right into me. She was crying so hard she didn't even see me. I put my arms around her and held her. She looked up at me and managed to say, "Daniel's dead! He's gone. My brother is gone!"_

_August 20, 1861 I took Alana for a drive today. She and her family are still grieving over their loss of Daniel, of course, but she agreed to go with me. She hung onto my arm as I drove and when we were well away from her house I put my arm around her shoulders. I like that she leaned against me. Alana doesn't wear the big hoop skirts that the girls wear these days unless she goes to a dance or party. Those skirts are beautiful, but they sometimes lift up and tease a fellow. _

_The ladies wear those long pantaloons under them to cover their legs, as if men don't know ladies have legs! I suppose the ladies don't show their legs except to their husbands. I saw a picture in a book once that showed ladies in Arabia wearing something that completely covered them like a huge black flour sack. I guess they could see through the cloth. Apparently, only their husbands see what they look like. What about the rest of their family? Do their children know what Mama looks like?_

_ I seem to have gotten off the subject of Miss Alana. Since reading that little book Mr. Gilbert wrote, I have a lot more impure thoughts about girls than I ever did before. Or maybe it is that my mind pictures the girls unclothed in my presence. I know from Billy and the other boys I talk to or overhear that my thoughts are no more frequent than theirs. All we think about is that and the war. And food._

_ August 25, 1861 We received a letter from Damon today. He is all right. He doesn't like marching. He says if they are not able to go by train, the soldiers have to walk from place to place, even if it is a hundred miles. Tramp, tramp, tramp, he wrote. He has blisters on his feet. Even thought his regiment is from the area around Charlottesville, it is part of the much larger Army of Northern Virginia._

_August 30, 1861 I was looking at one of the three painted portraits we have of Mama. The one I was studying was of her on her horse. I only remember her riding a few times because I was so young when she died. Back then we belonged to a hunt club. Father, Mama, Damon and I all went fox hunting once in a while. I had a little fat pony and I didn't really do any jumping over fences. Little children like me went through gates._

_Mama did ride a few times, but not the year when she was with child with Peter. It was before that when the portrait of her on the horse was painted. I remember watching the artist do the painting. It seemed odd to me that he painted Mama on the horse, but she wasn't really on the horse. She would sit all dressed in her riding skirt and on her side saddle and holding the reins, but she was not on a horse. I asked why and she told me it would not be fair to ask the horse to stand still all that time. Ha, I know the horse would not hold still for even five minutes._

_The artist painted the horse in the picture after he did Mama. That horse is still with us. I think Father does not want to part with it. Father has kept many things that remind him of her. Two things he no longer has are the vase I broke and the piano I ruined. _

_Mama's room is not changed either. It is neat and clean, but it's kept as if she will return soon. Once in a while I go in there and open her wardrobe. Her clothes are still there. A few of them still smell of Mama after all this time. I know because I have held them against my face. I miss her as much as Father does. I once saw Damon open the door to the room and stand there just looking in. I'm sure he misses her too. She died eight years ago today._

_A/N I know some of this is just Stefan's rambling thoughts. Still, I hope you all find them interesting. His everyday world is not always exciting._


	10. Chapter 10

_Chapter 10_

_A/N I want to thanks you readers and the ones who reviewed, including Hannah and Tinyflyer02. Love those words of encouragement._

"_Peggy"_

_September 9, 1861 We received a nice long letter from Damon today. He said they are camped for a while and he has plenty of time to write. He says he never realized how big an army camp could be until now. There are thousands of men with tents, campfires, cooking gear. Latrines aplenty. There are so many wagons for supplies of food and ammunition and so many horses and mules, and even cattle. It takes a lot to feed all the soldiers there who are infantry, cavalry, artillery, etc. On top of that, there is a camp of civilians with merchants. There is a photographer's wagon and there are reporters from newspapers. Isn't it dangerous for them to be at battles? There are even some women. Some are wives of soldiers and some laundresses to wash soldiers' clothes, and some are women of ill repute. I guess where men go, those kind of women go._

_He says he has taken up pipe smoking and after a rough start, he likes it. He's won a little money gambling at dice and cards. He's played baseball with other soldiers. He says he likes it better than the old game of cricket._

_He writes that he misses us and hopes no army has come tramping through our fields and stealing things from us. I'll have to tell him no soldiers at all have come this way._

_I am attending school again. Alana seems to be recovering from the loss of her brother. One of the children in another family has also lost an older brother. I don't know where he was killed in battle. Billy's older brother Roland has decided to enlist in the army and put off going to college. The Gilberts have mixed feelings about this. They will worry about him like we worry about Damon._

_September 11, 1861 At school today one of the boys was tickling a slightly younger boy. The boy was laughing so hard he had tears on his face. It reminded me of my brother tickling me. He would ambush me sometimes and throw his arms around me and start tickling. I am very ticklish and he knows it. I would end up on the floor, laughing so hard tears would be streaming down my face and I'd beg him to stop. One time he didn't stop until I wet my pants. He is a little ticklish if one knows where, but I didn't get much chance to do that because he's always been bigger and stronger than me. One of these days when I am just as big, I'll get even with him._

_September 16, 1861 There is a new family in town. There are two girls and one boy. The oldest is the boy. The older girl is in my class. Her name is Margaret Smith. She's called Peggy. She is pretty and friendly. Maybe too friendly. She brushed by me as we were leaving the classroom and I am sure she deliberately let her breast touch my arm. She looked at me just for a moment, and there was a little smile on her lips. I blushed a little. I get embarrassed too easily, I think. I have a good tan, so I know I don't turn too red._

_Since I tend to share things with Billy, I told him. He grinned and said she must like me. He jabbed me with his elbow. I like that she likes me. That makes me feel good. It also scares me. What am I afraid of? I'm not sure. Am I afraid she wants more from me than friendship? Brushing against me like she did is more than flirting. I think I am afraid she may be one of those girls who let's a fellow do things he shouldn't be doing. I know some boys who would jump at the opportunity to take liberties with a girl. I just don't feel ready to do that. I'm not fourteen yet. I don't want to do something as serious as that yet. I will think about it, I know, but I won't do it. I honestly feel I am too young._

_Just thinking about Peggy makes me feel like I am being an untrue friend to Alana. I really like Alana and I am comfortable with her. I know she would never suggest doing anything really improper. I like taking her for drives in the phaeton or having a picnic. I'm comfortable putting my arm around her shoulders. I don't believe that Alana goes for drives with any boy but me. Apparently, her parents trust me._

_I know the girls are taught to do innocent flirting. It's supposed to be part of their southern charm. But I have a feeling that if I was alone with Peggy, she would lead me down the primrose path to doing the wrong thing. I guess what I fear is that I would give in to my animal urges._

_I could refuse her, of course. I suspect if I did, she would feel insulted and say insulting things of me. Maybe she would even start a rumor at school that I was afraid to do things or that my private parts aren't manly enough to do it. Maybe I am being unfair to think this of her. Maybe she would go no further than a quick kiss on the lips. I just don't know. I don't need this in my life._

_September 17, 1861 Today at school as we were going from our classroom for recess, Peggy again brushed against me. She gave me a coquettish smile and touched my hand. It's obvious she likes me. I nodded politely to her and kept going. I could see Alana just ahead of me and I walked faster to catch up with her. I knew she was going to sit outside with a couple of her girl friends, but I walked with her until she came to them. _

_They giggled at me because they know I like Alana. They probably know Peggy has her eye on me. It's not a big school and students know what is going on between other students, for the most part. I certainly know of several boys and girls who have a fondness for each other. I know what ones in my class cheat on tests regularly. I know two boys who drink whiskey regularly and sometimes come to school inebriated. I like that word. Father uses it when he doesn't want to say someone is as drunk as a skunk._

_I had to leave Alana because our school yard is divided with the girls' part and the boys' part. For once I'm glad. Peggy can't go over to annoy me. I spent the time chatting with Billy and Ford. We play catch with a ball most times. Or a group of us play the new ball game of baseball. Our school doesn't want us playing it because you can get hurt by the ball. I think the real reason they don't want us playing is because the ball was hit through a window two different times. I think Damon played cricket in college. He may be good at baseball._

_September 20, 1861 We had a difficult test in our history class. I think I haven't been paying as much attention as I should be doing. Nor have I been reading what I should. It seems my thoughts are scattered. I've been helping Father with the ledger. I think about Alana and Peggy. I'm worried about Damon. He hasn't written for a while. I suppose he has better things to do than keep us informed. _

_The armies have been moving around, so we don't know where he is. There has been more fighting here and there. Nothing big, but every time, some men get injured or even killed. It's being reported that sickness happens in some of the camps because men are crowed together or they eat bad food and they don't have good, clean drinking water. It's like one does not locate a privy anywhere near one's well because it can foul the water. I wonder how many latrines serve an army of thousands. I hope Damon stays well._

_September 21, 1861 I was shocked today when Peggy and her sister Beth came riding right up to our house. They claimed they were just out for a Saturday ride and became thirsty. They knocked on the front door and asked for me. I had to be a gentleman and invite them in. Actually, Joshua had to invite them in, but I had to be cordial, of course. Father came to the parlor to see who was there and I introduced the sisters. He was polite, but I know he was a little shocked at the forwardness of the young ladies at stopping by without previous arrangement and with no older person accompanying them._

_I was obliged to offer tea and they accepted. After that Peggy invited me to go riding with them for a short while before they returned home. It was a nice early fall day and I could have gone. I tried to think of an excuse not to go. I didn't know what Peggy would do while in the company of her sister, but I didn't trust her. I didn't want to be rude, but I'm not clever enough to think of the right thing to say._

_Oddly enough, Father came to my rescue. He apparently had lingered in the hallway to overhear what we young people were up to. He heard me hem and haw about going, so he came to the doorway and reminded me of something he wanted me to do with him. There really was nothing, but it did the trick._

_The look of disappointment on Peggy's face was obvious until she quickly hid it with an expression of gracious acceptance. I went outside with the girls and helped them mount their horses. Peggy made sure to put a hand on my shoulder and she gave a little squeeze when I offered my hands to boost her up to her saddle. Father stood on the porch watching. In moments they were gone. When we went inside the house, I thanked Father for coming to my rescue. He actually chuckled. He asked me about Peggy and I admitted she was a bit of a problem. She was unseemly in her forwardness. And besides, I was attracted to Alana. _

_He reminded me that he did not like that I was seeing a Jewish girl, but I told him I had no long-range plans to marry her. We are good friends and she behaves properly. We have common interests and talk about many things. Father seemed satisfied with that._

_My oil lamp is smoking. I should have trimmed the wick before I lit it. I think I prefer the candles to these lamps. They don't give as much light, but they don't smoke as much. And they don't smell as bad as the oil when you turn them off or blow them out. The smoke and the scent seem to last in the room quite a while. I have never seen gas lighting, but the big cities and bigger towns have it. Mystic Falls does not. I wonder if the gas lamps smell as much as oil lamps. Maybe some day someone will come up with a lamp that gives more light and doesn't smell or smoke._

_September 22, 1861 I went over to Billy's house this afternoon. Mr. Gilbert was sitting on his front porch smoking a cigar. He loves to smoke them, but Mrs. Gilbert insists he smoke outdoors. Cigars do have a pungent odor. Father smokes a pipe and I must admit that I like the smell of that. It's a different type of tobacco that he gets. He says it's imported, which is funny because Virginia grows quite a bit of tobacco._

_Once, when Billy and I were about seven years old, he stole one of his father's cigars and we smoked it in my father's barn. I thought it tasted awful and after a couple of minutes, it made me feel dizzy and sick. Why do men seem to enjoy it? Maybe they persist until it tastes good._

_Silas caught us smoking in the barn and he got mad at us. I have rarely seen Silas angry and it's not his place to yell at us. But he explained that no one must smoke in the barn where an ash might set fire to the hay and burn the whole barn down. We all have to be careful with lanterns, too. Billy and I were properly chastened. Some day I might take up pipe smoking like Father and Damon have. It makes a gentleman look debonair. I like that word. It sounds so sophisticated._

_A/N Stefan certainly writes about random things. I'm not sure what I will do with Peggy, but it's something Stefan will have to deal with._


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter 11_

_ "Fight"_

_ September 23, 1861 Today was not a good day at school. I got into a fight. Peggy must have said something to her older brother Robert about the Saturday visit. She may have said I was rude or something. She also must have told him I was close to Alana. Just before school started, Robert singled me out and confronted me in the hall just outside a classroom. He's a thin boy and taller than me. I won't repeat what he said, but it had to do with my seeing Alana and the fact that she was Jewish. He even made a remark about the family losing Daniel as he poked me hard in the chest. What he said was so bigoted and so mean that I lost control of my temper._

_ I mean, I really lost control! I felt rage and I saw red. I know I went at him, but I don't remember after that. I can't remember actually fighting with him. I came back to myself when big Mr. Woodrow literally lifted me off Robert. I was still flailing at him, but I was up in the air looking down at him. His face was all bloody and he was crying. Robert Smith was crying!_

_ Mr. Woodrow set me down, but he held onto me. I just stared at Robert for a long moment as I realized that I was the one who had beaten him bloody. It's true that Damon had showed me a little about fighting and I have been in a few short punching and wrestling fights, but I have never gone at someone viciously like I did Robert. It has really shaken me._

_ I had cuts and scrapes and I hurt in several places, but it took a minute for me to realize that. My knuckles were raw and bleeding. I had a bloody nose and a split lip. I found that out when Mr. Woodrow took me to the washroom and there was a mirror. He watched me wash up a bit and then he took me to the principal's office. Mr. Moss had me sit down and he asked me what had happened, why I was fighting with Robert. I told him, because I wanted him to understand that I was defending Alana's honor. It made me angry all over again just repeating it, but I didn't lose control of my temper again. I sat there shaking and aching and I had tears in my eyes. To tell you the truth, I really didn't care if I had injured that rotten, nasty Robert. He better not say anything against Alana and her family again._

_ Someone had sent for Dr. Kinsey Gilbert. He had seen to Robert and then he examined my battle wounds. He said my split lip was not bad and it would heal just fine. He felt my nose and gave it a painful squeeze and said it would be fine too, even if it was still bleeding. He looked at my left eye and said I would have quite a shiner._

_ I had to ask him about Robert. I had begun to worry that I had hurt him too seriously. What if he died? Would I be arrested? Dr. Kinsey told me Robert had lost a tooth, had a broken nose and a cracked rib. He had more cuts and bruises than I did. He was going to take Robert home in his doctor's buggy. He told Mr. Moss I should go home, too._

_ I didn't want to go home. I said I wanted to stay. I was afraid of what Father would do or say. Still, Mr. Moss said I should go home because I was hurting and I looked awful. I had blood on my clothes. He said I would not be able to concentrate in class and I would be a distraction to my classmates. I was going to argue, but I suddenly vomited onto the floor of his office. That was embarrassing and I apologized. I decided that perhaps I should go home._

_ I had to go to my classroom to get my coat, my books and the lunch I had brought. When I walked into the room it felt weird. Everyone was looking at me strangely. Why? I'm not the only boy to get into a fight at school. It happens regularly. _

_ My home is a mile and a half from school. I usually walk unless the weather is really bad. I was prepared to walk home, but Mr. Moss decided to take me. He lives on the other side of town and drives a buggy to school. The horse spends the day in the corral out back with some others. I stood by while he harnessed the horse. I began to feel more shaky, so I sat down on the ground. I was all right, but I sure hurt. My left eye was puffed up until it was closed. My nose was still bleeding a little. My crotch ached._

_ When we got to my home, Mr. Moss held a hand out to help me get down. I didn't like to be treated like a girl, but I let him help me. When we went inside and Father saw me, he looked shocked at my appearance and asked what had happened to me. While I stood there, Mr. Moss told him I had been in a fight._

_ Father got angry and demanded to know who had beaten me up. Mr. Moss said it wasn't his place to name the other boy, but he did say that it was the other way around. I had beaten up the other boy. He said I had a terrible temper._

_ "A terrible temper?" Father asked, not believing it. "Stefan? He's very even-tempered."_

_ "Not today he wasn't," Mr. Moss said. "According to other students, he didn't start the set-to. He was probably justified in whaling on the other boy. Dr. Gilbert has seen him and he is just cut and bruised. He could use some cleaning up and some rest."_

_ I had to stand by and listen to this. I could only hope that Father didn't whip me for fighting. As it turned out, after Mr. Moss left, Father merely looked at me as if he was seeing me differently. He finally told Joshua to see that I had a bath and a change of clothes._

_ Later, I did tell him what had happened and he seemed thoughtful. He didn't yell at me and he didn't punish me. I didn't actually tell him that I couldn't remember pounding Robert into the floor. He did remind me that I shouldn't be such good friends with Alana. He also suggested that I do nothing to encourage Peggy. There's no way I would ever do that!_

_ After school, Billy came by the house. He told me that I scared him the way I hammered at Robert. No one could pull me off until Mr. Woodrow did. A lot of the other students are afraid of me now, Billy said. That feels so strange. They are afraid of Stefan Salvatore? Me? In a way, that scares me. There is another side of me, a violent side! The worse part is that I don't remember giving Robert the beating. Why can't I remember doing it?_

_ September 24, 1861 I couldn't get to sleep last night, I was that sore. I think Sophie went and told Father after she checked on me. He made me take some medicine and soon I fell asleep. I didn't go to school today. This morning when I took off my night shirt, I stared at my body in the big mirror. What a mess! I have bruises here and there from my face to my shins. Even my private parts are a bit bruised. Robert must have used his knee on me a couple of times, but I don't remember it. When I used the chamber pot, my piss was a little reddish. It must be from my bruised privates or from my bruised kidneys. I'm sore in my back, too._

_I've never been in a fight like that. I don't know how some of the boys can enjoy getting into such tussles. Even Damon is usually not one to back off from a fight. I've seen him with bruises and a black eye more than once. I also know he is good at sweet-talking his way out of a fight if he wants to._

_Dr. Kinsey came by the house to see how I was doing. He looked me over and asked some questions. He said I would be fine._

_Billy came to see me after school. He told me that Robert was not in school either. I'm not surprised. I think I would be annoyed if he had been. I'll definitely go to school tomorrow._

_September 25, 1861 Getting ready for school today was hard. I am still so sore. But Father had Silas drive me in the surrey. Along the way we overtook Billy and gave him a ride too. The other students looked at me strangely again, which bothered me. On the other hand, I came to realize that I had won the respect of many of them. I was not just that quiet boy who liked to read and to talk quietly about a lot of different things and to get good grades._

_Alana came to me and thanked me for what I did. She had heard what Robert had said and seen the fight. Peggy avoided me. She looked at me with a very displeased expression. I guess she's not as attracted to me as she was before. Good! Robert was not at school. Good again. _

_ September 26, 1861 Robert was in school today. He looks terrible, worse than I do. He glowered at me, which is hard to do with two black eyes. It's a wonder he can see at all. He didn't speak to me and he didn't come near me. That's fine with me. I had expected his father to confront my father, but either the doctor or the principal must have told him that Robert was the cause of the fight. I hope little by little the whole thing will blow over. I'm not eager to get into another fight. I also don't want my schoolmates to be afraid of my temper. I hope fighting is now behind me._

_September 27, 1861 We received a nice letter from Damon. He said he and the squad of men he belongs to have been spending time guarding some men who are stringing telegraph wires. He said the army has wagons with huge spools of wire. Lines are put up in areas where there are none and connected to lines that exist. That way the generals can communicate and know what is going on or receive orders. He said he had heard that the North has even sent an observation balloon up in the air with a telegraph wire connected. _

_The view from one of those balloon contraptions must be incredible. I wish I could go up in one and see the world like birds do. It is said that a person can also see far when up on the mountains to the west of us, but I have never been to the mountains. We can see them from here and it isn't far, but Father has never taken us there. Damon and me, I mean. I guess with the war going on, I won't get to the mountains any time soon._

_At least I have seen the lake. To the west of us the Misty Fork of the James River comes down from the mountains, forms a lake amid hills and then continues as a river. The falls our town is named after is part of this river. Willow Creek behind our property runs into the same river. Eventually, it joins the James River and goes to the Atlantic Ocean. I know that one reason Mystic Falls became a town is because the falls provided water power for a saw mill and a grist mill. I like history and geography. It explains why people are where they are._

_Mr. Gilbert took me along with his family some years ago to a small cabin he has on the edge of the lake. He owns some property there. We even stayed overnight with us children sleeping on blankets on the floor. I was amazed at the size of the lake. I suppose it isn't really big compared to some, but it is still the biggest body of water I have ever seen. We did some swimming, canoeing and fishing. Even Amy went in the water with her swim dress, but Mrs. Gilbert didn't. I wonder if Mama knew how to swim. I don't recall her going into our pond, except to wade barefoot at the edge._

_ October 5, 1861 I was over to Billy's house and we got to talking with Mr. Gilbert. I never know what we will end up talking about when we talk with him. He is such an interesting man. Somehow we came to the subject of having babies. He has fathered seven children, four of them still living, so he knows a thing or two about taking care of them once they arrive. Unfortunately, illnesses take some babies and young children. The only new baby I have had any experience with was Peter. He was no pleasure to hold, being a squirming, howling, red-faced and stinky little thing. And then Grandma took him away._

_ I happened to mention that Father had told me about a thing to use during intimacy so as to prevent a baby from happening. I don't exactly know where I would purchase this protective cover, but I don't think I will need one for some time. Anyway, when I mentioned it, Mr. Gilbert said he was surprised and I asked why. He said he knew my father had been raised in the Catholic Church, which did not approve of the use of such methods. The church leaned more toward either being fruitful and multiplying or abstaining from that kind of intimacy, which was unlikely._

_I had to smile and I said, "No wonder Mary O'Toole has so many brothers and sisters! Her youngest brother is two and I think her oldest sister is twenty three and married. Mrs. O'Toole has been foaling regularly like a broodmare."_

_Mr. Gilbert laughed, as did Billy, but then Mr. Gilbert told me it was disrespectful to call it foaling. The woman was not a horse. And Mrs. O'Toole was known to be a cheerful and loving mother. I felt a bit chastened by his disapproval of my word and my disrespect for the lady, which I didn't mean. _

_I had a more serious thought. Why can Mrs. O'Toole easily have baby after baby and still be healthy, while my mother had problems after my birth and then she died after Peter's birth? Are women that different one from another? I asked Mr. Gilbert and he said yes, they are different one from another and various things can happen to her body during the time she is with child and during the birth._

_October 12, 1861 I took Alana for a nice buggy ride today. She was in a cheerful mood. I feel she has recovered from Daniel's death, at least to the point where she can joke and laugh. She held onto my arm as I drove the horse along at a good clip. We headed out the road that crosses Wickery Bridge over the Misty Fork and then I pulled up and directed the horse into the road to the left. I told her about the time I went with Damon and he raced the same buggy, Mama's phaeton, down the road against two other boys. I admitted that it had scared me when we were going so fast and scraped up against the fence. I thought we would have a wreck, but Damon handled it and we won the race. I told her that Father punished Damon for racing and the damage to the buggy, but I didn't tell her that Father actually used a whip on Damon's back._

_Alana asked if I had done any racing since then. I told her I had raced a couple of the boys several times, but I did it riding on my horse, which is quite fast. When he isn't throwing his horseshoes. I only won two of those races. Trent Lockwood has a Thorobred horse which is really fast. My horse can't beat his, but I can come in second.._

_I asked Alana if she ever rode on a horse and she said she had not since she was five years old. Her uncle in Charlottesville had a pony that she rode a few times. I asked her if she would like to learn to ride a horse. We still have Mama's side-saddle that she could use. She said she would think about it. I hope she does. I would gladly teach her._

_A/N I hope you are still finding Stefan's writing interesting. He does ramble on._


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter12_

_A/N I didn't really get any feedback on The Fight, so I don't know if people liked it or they didn't. I'm not planning on Stefan getting into more fights, especially ones where he totally loses it. I think his hidden temper becomes a factor in his future when he becomes a vampire and a "ripper."_

"_Close Call and Uncle Tom"_

_ October 13, 1861 I went over to Alana's house and brought her back to our place. She had agreed to a riding lesson. She was wearing a reasonable skirt and a pair of boots. Silas had my horse and Flossy, our gentle mare, saddled. I asked Father last night if I could use Mama's saddle for Alana and he grudgingly said yes. I helped Alana get on the horse. She had never ridden with a side saddle because years ago when she rode the pony, she had ridden astride. She said that she didn't feel very secure._

_ For several minutes I led the mare around so she could get the feel of the saddle. Soon she realized that she actually was quite secure, even with both of her legs on the same side of the horse. Then I got on my horse Webster and we walked out along the lane that leads west from the barn towards Willow Creek. We went along the lane as far as the creek and then turned back. It was enough for Alana's first lesson._

_ I invited her into the house and we sat in the parlor and talked. Sooner brought us tea and some fresh cake Cook had made a while before. My understanding is that Alana's family is not as strict about their foods as some Jewish people are._

_The Fishmans don't have any slaves. They don't have any servants. Mrs. Fishman takes care of her home by herself with Alana's help. Mr. Fishman is a banker. You'd think he could afford to hire a maid, at least, or a cook. I know that while Daniel was still alive, they had a colored man help care for him._

_I just realized something. I've been calling Ilana by the name Alana for a long time. She has never said anything about the way I pronounce her name. She must just think it is my way of saying it. If I change my pronunciation now will she notice? Maybe I'll just sort of ease into it. Come to think of it, Billy says her name like I do. If I asked him to spell it, would he start it with an A? I'll have to repeat it in my mind. Ilana. Ilana._

_ October 24, 1861 We got a letter from Damon today, which was a relief. We worried because there was some clash with the Union troops way up in the northern tip of Virginia. Some place on the Potomac River near Leesburg. He wasn't there._

_ However, where he was, there was a minor exchange of gunfire and he said a musket ball passed right between his thighs, putting a skin burn on both legs. He said that a couple of inches higher and he might have lost some manly parts. As it was, he has a couple of holes in his britches and needs to get them patched._

_ He didn't say so, but it is obvious that if the ball had hit either of his legs squarely, he might have lost the leg. And we know from Daniel that that could have cost him his life, even if he didn't bleed to death first. He probably jokes about the close call with his fellow soldiers while we cringe at the thought._

_ October 25, 1861 We learned today that the western part of Virginia voted yesterday to separate from Virginia. They are siding with the North, but they aren't officially a state. They likely will become one. I heard they might be called West Virginia, which is probably logical. They have been called western Virginia for a long time. Their interests are mostly associated with commerce on the Ohio River rather than with farming like us. Father says they have too many mountains and hills to have decent farm land. That's hard for me to picture. We have good farm land here._

_Maybe some day I can take a trip to the mountains. They are not very far from here. We live on the Piedmont, which is land at the foot of the mountain range, but not as low as the country east of here that runs to the Atlantic coast. We are certainly higher up than the Tidewater area. The Mystic Falls were created by the Misty Fork dropping down in elevation in this area. All of the rivers that come out of the mountains drop down several times, which is why boats can't just come way up-river. I've studied maps. It must be so interesting to be a surveyor. Hm, I am wasting space in this journal with my rambling._

_ November 2, 1861 I was over to Billy's house and we were looking at books in his father's library. There was a book there by a Mary Catherine Stowe. I asked Mr. Gilbert, who was at his desk, if this book was by the same woman who wrote the controversial book about slaves. He said no, the woman I was thinking of was Harriet Beecher Stowe. He said she wrote "Uncle Tom's Cabin" about ten years ago._

_ When the book was published I was too young to know about the hubbub it caused. I have never read the book, nor has Billy. Our town voted not to have it read in the schools and it was not allowed in the town library. Mr. Gilbert said he had a copy and we could read it if we could keep it a secret. He said that with the war going on and slavery a huge issue, no one should know he had a copy or that he was allowing us to read it._

_He used his library ladder to get it down from the top shelf and he dusted it off with his hand. I guess he trusts me, because he gave the book to Billy and said he could share it with me. We were not to take it to school. We were not to tell our friends that we had it. And it was best if I didn't tell my father, who believes the use of slaves is proper and necessary._

_I feel I should mention here that Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert have two Irish indentured servants. They had three, but one has earned her freedom from her indenture and has moved away. The two who remain, a husband and his wife, are almost finished with their obligation and they plan to stay if they can be paid a small wage._

_Working for the Gilberts in not a hard task apparently although it involves the cooking, washing, ironing, mending of clothing, plus the upkeep of the house, the small stable and the garden. Billy says he thinks his father will pay wages to keep them, since Mrs. Gilbert has problems with her back and he prefers time to read and write. Billy told me once that Mr. Gilbert inherited some money and invested it wisely. He owns a share in a company that does something for the railroads._

_November 3, 1861 I spent time at Billy's house so I could read the book. Billy stayed up late last night to read it since it was Saturday and there was no school today. I couldn't spend all day over there, so I didn't finish the book. It isn't a big book, but I kept stopping reading to think about it. It was written by a woman and I feel it has a woman's emotional viewpoints, but it is really interesting. Mr. Gilbert says it was very popular up North and also in Europe back when it was published. I can see why it would inflame anti-slavery ideas._

_As far as I know, Father has never broken up a family of slaves. Silas, Cook and their daughter Sooner have been here all of my life. Old Hank does most of the yard work and helps keep the garden. His woman is Minna and they have been here all of my life, too. I don't know if Sophie has family somewhere. Perhaps I will ask her some time. _

_In the afternoon, I went to get Ilana and she had another riding lesson. This time we had the horses trot and she learned to post a bit so she didn't bounce a lot. Her legs got tired and we ended the lesson. She said she had fun. It's good to see her laugh. After some tea, I drove her home._

_November 4, 1861 I stopped at Billy's house after school to finish reading the book before I went home. Father asked where I was and what I was doing, but he is used to me stopping at Billy's. Still, I couldn't tell him the truth. He had something he wanted me to write for him and that was why he was waiting impatiently for me. _

_As far as the book went, I think it gave me a different view of slavery, how it is for many of them. I think this is why Damon changed his views after going to college. He heard many other opinions. It does not change the fact that we can't run our farm without workers and I know we could not pay free men to do all the work the slaves do, especially the chopping of all the fire wood, the spring planting, the harvesting of the hay and getting all the fruit from the trees. And of course there is the care of all the animals._

_Father has only one paid person, who is our overseer Mr. Stubb. The man doesn't actually live on our farm. He has a cabin about half a mile from here. He has a wife and a couple of children who are quite small. I hope he isn't as stern and mean to his own family as he sometimes is to our slaves. Father says he has to be that way or some of the slaves won't work. The more I learn about the Negros, the more I wonder if the use of them as slave is right. Of course, at my age there is nothing I can do about it one way or the other._

_Not to change the subject or anything, but I can smell pumpkin pie. Cook must have brought some to the dining room for the aroma to get up here to my room. We had a lot of pumpkins in the vegetable garden this year and Joshua took some to the market in town. He didn't take any apples because Cook dries a lot of them. We had a good corn crop this year and quite a bit of it was ground up at the grist mill. We will have corn meal for the winter._

_I've got to go downstairs and see where that pie is!_

_November 6, 1861 It was a bit warm today so I asked Ilana if she would like to try riding again. She said yes. Instead of her coming to my place, I rode over to her house leading "her" horse already saddled. She was dressed properly when I got there. Her mother watched as I helped Alana up to the saddle. Once properly positioned, Ilana grinned at her mother. _

_The Fishmans' dog came around the house and barked at the horses. I should have foreseen that. The dog always barks when I come driving the buggy. Although the horse pranced around under Ilana, it didn't kick or bolt. Ilana held onto the reins and also a fistful of the horse's mane. She didn't panic or lose her balance. I was proud of her._

_Mrs. Fishman called the dog to her and held onto its collar while I mounted. I led us away from the house and down the street. We didn't go far, mostly riding up one street and down another riding side by side. Some people in their yards looked at us and waved. Except for the children in school, especially my class, I don't really know many adults in town. I see them at the socials and in the stores, and I've been with Father when he stops to chat with different people, but I barely recognize many of the adults. I guess as I get older I will get to know more of them._

_I'm getting the feeling that I'm in an intermediate position right now. On the one hand I know that I am not yet fourteen and still a youth. On the other hand, as I help Father with the ledgers and come to know who he does business with, I feel a connection to the adult world. I'm beginning to see how the community works, how our businesses are somewhat dependent on each other._

_When I was riding home and leading the mare, my horse Webster was startled by something he thought he saw. I was deep in thought and not watching, but luckily my reflexes are good or I would have found myself on the ground. Webster didn't bolt, but he did jump backward a bit. I steadied him and talked quietly to him and he decided whatever had spooked him wasn't really there. He was skittish for a while as we proceeded toward home, still looking for some imagined danger. Our stableman calls that "seeing a bear" which really isn't there. In a way, I like it when Webster is a bit excited. I can feel his power and his strength under me and it makes me feel good to know I have control over that power. _

_When I was smaller and rode the pony Lightning, I felt that a lot, his strength and my control. Of course, when I first started riding Lightning, I was a bit afraid of him, but I overcame it. I didn't want Father or Damon to know I was unsure of my ability to control that willful beast. I guess I did all right for a five-year-old boy._

_A/N This wasn't a very long chapter. Just a little of this and a little of that. Comments?_


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter 13_

_A/N Here are more of Stefan's thoughts and observations. A little of this and a little of that._

"_Sophie and Barbara Ann"_

_ November 8, 1861 I had to spend time today with Sophie measuring me for new shirts and pants and a new winter coat. She knows how to read a measure tape. I really didn't realize that my arms and legs had been growing as much as they have. My short pants for summer didn't show it, but now that I am wearing long pants for winter, it is obvious. Sophie is an excellent seamstress, besides being a nanny, and she even makes shirts for Father. He could buy them ready-made these days, but he likes the way she makes them. She will go to the mercantile store and buy the fabrics and threads that she needs._

_ Because I had to spend time with her while she measured and fussed about, I did ask her if she had any family. She said she had parents, of course, and she remembers a brother and a sister. Something happened to her owner. She was sold when she was six years old along with the rest of the family, but she thinks they all went to different owners. After ten years or so as a house servant, she was sold again when her owner died. She was bought by my father for Mama right after they were married. She admitted that she had no idea where her family were or if they were still alive. I couldn't tell if she was sad or angry about that. She isn't in a position to voice her feelings and opinions on such things. She just smiled at me. I guess we are her family now._

_I remember Mama knitting things when she was awaiting the birth of Peter. She barely had time to see him wear any of them before she became too sick and died. I wish I had known more about her condition back then. I was still five years old and Father and Damon protected me from what was happening to her. I know now that she was never in really good health from the time I was born, although most of the time she looked well to me. And she always seemed cheerful to me. She rode her horse now and then and she went to socials and dances. She played the piano. She enjoyed spending time in her flower garden. But looking back, I can see that she spent a lot of time reading or sewing or napping._

_ Right after Peter was born, she spent all her time in her room, most of it in bed. I know now that she lost a lot of blood after the birth and then she had a fever. Damon told me this several years later. She was very weak and in much pain the last week of her life. I sometimes stood outside her bedroom door when no one was looking and I would hear her moan and cry. I also overheard Father and the doctor talking a few times. I didn't understand what they were talking about, but I knew Mama was very sick. _

_ I was only allowed in to see her a few minutes each day and not at all the last few days. Even Damon wasn't allowed in. Father should have let us see her, even if she was dying. And then she was gone. Everyone kept telling me she had gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. I didn't understand why she had left. I had seen dead animals, but I couldn't picture Mama like that. _

_I saw her briefly at the funeral as she lay in her casket. Gramma and Grandpa Remington were there, plus two of Mama's brothers and one sister. They were my uncles and aunt, but I don't really remember them. It was also the first and only time I have seen Grandpa Remington. I just wish I had had the chance to tell Mama I loved her and to say goodbye while she was still breathing. Daniel's family had that chance._

_ Well, enough of these sad thoughts._

_November 12, 1861 I learned something interesting at school today. Back in February a girl accused a free man of color of raping her and he was lynched because of her accusation. I truly felt that the man, Caleb, was innocent because of the rumor at school that she had let a white boy have his way with her. Her parents sent her away to live with some other kin. Well, now it seems she has had a baby and it is as white as can be. I don't know how this news started at school, but I believe it. I never thought Caleb guilty. It is so unfair that he was killed._

_November 13, 1861 More rumors. I am going to name that girl because I don't like her and why should I keep her name from my journal? Her name is Abigail Preston. I haven't seen her since last February and I don't know her well because she is older than me, but she was quite a flirt, a lot like Peggy. Abigail has not returned to Mystic Falls yet. I wonder if she ever will and if she will bring the baby. Barbara Ann says girls in that situation often give up their babies for adoption. On the other hand, she and her parents might want to keep the little thing. It is of their blood, of course. And what does the baby's father think? Does he care? I know I would if it was my baby. _

_It makes me wonder if Father ever regrets sending Peter away. The boy is his son just like Damon and I are. I could have had a little brother and now I'll never know what that might have been like. I'm pretty certain Damon enjoyed having a little brother. Most of the time, anyway. I suppose I was sometimes a bit of an annoying pest._

_ November 23, 1861 Today was my fourteenth birthday. I have definitely been growing taller and my shoulders are wider. It's a good thing Sophie made a new coat for me and nice new long pants of wool. She makes them roomy so I don't outgrow them too fast. Father took me to the mercantile store to try on a new pair of shoes and a pair of boots. He says I have big feet. I'm just a growing boy._

_ We always celebrate Thanksgiving on my birthday and have a nice big meal. We went over to the Gilberts' house for dinner this time. The Lockwoods have company so they didn't join us as they do some years. It was fun to have such a big crowd around the dinner table for a change instead of just me and Father._

_ November 25, 1861 Father got a letter from the Remingtons in Richmond. As I have written before, they are Mama's family. Gramma Remington said she had a terrible dream of Richmond on fire. She said in the letter that it was a premonition, a warning of things to come. Father says Gramma is a strange old lady, a cracked pot._

_Still, the family has taken her dream seriously. They have decided to send the children, including Peter, and some of the women to Philadelphia where other kin live. They are afraid war might actually reach Richmond eventually, since President Davis is there. Some of the family will remain so that their homes are not empty. It seems weird to me that the family is going to the North, but if that is where relatives live, I guess I can understand it._

_The North has a blockade on some of the southern harbors and supplies can't always get through. There has been a growing shortage of some foods and supplies in Richmond and in some other southern ports. Some people are annoyed about the inconvenience. On top of that, it makes it harder for the south to ship cotton and tobacco to Europe. Father has said that the day may come when England and France may come to our aid just so that commerce can continue._

_Our harvest is finished. Except for cutting firewood, the field hands are more idle now. Father bought more sawn boards so that they can repair the cabins and make them less drafty. I'm sure the cabins get pretty cold in the winter, even with a fire in the fireplace. Our slave cabins do have fireplaces. _

_The rooms in our house that don't have fireplaces get cold. It's a good thing we have good down quilts, heavy night shirts and night caps to keep our heads warm and stockings to keep our feet warm at night. On icy mornings, I surely hate to crawl out of my nice warm bed._

_December 3, 1861 Barbara Ann Ross has moved back to town! She was one of my best friends when I was a boy, along with Billy, of course. But Barbara Ann was the only girl I played with because she was a rough and tumble child. Totally fearless. Then her family moved away to Ohio. Well, she was in school today! They have come back to be part of the South because the family are all native southerners._

_I almost didn't recognize Barbara Ann. She has grown into a tall girl. She isn't really pretty, but she isn't homely either. She still has that twinkle in her blue eyes and a wide grin. I recognized her voice right away, but I didn't believe it was her until she grinned at me and called out to me "Stefan!" in a voice a bit louder than ladylike. She ran over to me and threw her arms around me and gave me a quick hug. I put my hands on her sides, rather than around her. She's a bit flat-chested, but that isn't important. She stepped back quickly so as not to seem too forward. I think it was a little late for that._

_I was a bit embarrassed and saw that everyone close by was looking and grinning. I was relieved when she then spotted Billy and did the same to him. Barbara Ann tends to do what she feels like doing, without it being too improper. It's odd, I suppose, that I didn't resent her hugging me, whereas I would have if it had been Peggy. And if it had been Peggy, I bet she would have pressed both her breasts against me, if not the rest of her body!_

_Barbara Ann was then surrounded by a group of girls who were pleased to see her back in town. I noticed that Peggy scowled and sort of looked down her nose at the group. I wonder if she is jealous, if she resents the positive attention Barbara Ann is getting upon her return or the fact that my old friend felt free to give me a hug. Peggy's family has more money and a bigger house than many and she does look down on "lesser" people. She hardly ever looks at me anymore, as if she would not deign to waste her time. I've seen her sashaying around Trent Lockwood. It's fine with me._

_Ilana does not know Barbara Ann very well. They were not friends way back then. Between classes, I introduced one to the other. By comparison, Ilana is small and a bit shy. Barbara Ann is tall and more slender. In fact, my old friend is taller than me. I must admit that she now intimidates me because I don't know whether to treat her like an old friend or as a young lady. She is still quite bold and not flirtatious like the other girls. She is polite and has manners, though._

_After school Billy and I started walking toward home. Barbara Ann came trotting up behind us and came to walk by my side. Miss Peggy would never run, but I know Barbara Ann could almost outrun me when we were children. It turned out that the Ross family moved into a house yesterday and it was only a block from school. Back in the old days, they had lived a short distance from our house, which was why we had played together. They have children older than Barbara Ann and one boy three years younger._

_When I got home I found Father in the study reading and smoking his pipe. His foot was wrapped in a bandage and propped up on a footstool. Obviously, his gout was acting up again. That's too bad. He had a bottle of scotch and a glass close by._

_I told Father the Ross family had returned to town and he just grunted and muttered something about Mr. Ross being a drunk. Father shouldn't cast stones, as they say. He drinks way too much himself. I didn't tell him that, of course._

_December 4, 1861 Barbara Ann met Billy and me on the way to school. I suspect she was waiting for us to come by. She put herself between us and looped her arms through ours. I have to say I liked that. She grinned at Billy and then at me. _

_Even though I liked it, I began to feel uncomfortable as we neared the school yard. For one thing, I spotted Ilana and I could see she saw us three. What did she think? I didn't want her to withdraw her friendship because she thought I was closer to Barbara Ann._

_At lunch time, my old friend spent time with some of her old girlfriends. I was glad, because it gave me a few minutes to talk to Ilana. She seemed pleased that I did. I don't know how to handle this situation. I have never had girlfriends like this, much less two of them. Three, if I count Peggy. I'm glad she has backed off._

_After school Barbara Ann again walked with us until we came to her house. She commented on how nice it was to walk with two handsome young men. Although I stopped at Billy's house for a while, when I got home, I took a few minutes to look in the mirror. The late afternoon sun was coming in my window and I could see myself well. I don't know what that girl meant by "handsome young men."_

_My face is a bit longer and narrower than it was when I was younger. My teeth are quite straight and healthy, but my skin has pimples on it. Not a lot like some of my schoolmates, but enough. In fact, a new one is coming on the tip of my nose! My summer tan has been fading so that my skin looks muddy. My eyes are green, but not a light, clear green. A sort of muddy green. My blond hair has darkened to a dirty brownish yellow. Muddy-looking. That's how I feel I look. Muddy! I'm not handsome at all._

_I never paid too much attention to how Damon looked, but now that I think about it, he was a nice-looking boy, a nice-looking youth and now he's a handsome man. I feel plain by comparison, but obviously there is something about me that the girls find attractive._

_December 7, 1861 I went over to Billy's house this morning. We had a little snowfall last night. Not much, but enough to make snowballs. He and his sister Amy and I had quite a snowball fight. Amy is two years older than Billy, but she is not quite normal. She can read and do arithmetic, but she has a hard time with it. She used to go to school, but she couldn't keep up and her parents have a tutor come to teach her at home. She's a cheerful person and fun to be around._

_Amy throws like a girl, of course, but her aim is really good. She got me right in the middle of my forehead with a snowball and then she laughed like a mad woman while the snow melted and dripped off the end of my nose. If she had been a boy, I would have tackled her and knocked her to the ground, but of course, I couldn't do that to a girl. It reminded me that as a child, I had tackled and wrestled with Barbara Ann plenty of times. I would never consider doing that to Amy. Or to Barbara Ann now, come to think of it._

_However, I made a snowball and I gave Amy a look that said "You'll be sorry." I started to move toward her in a mock threatening way. She shrieked and started to run away. She would have made it to the house except she slipped in the snow and fell flat on her back. When I caught up to her, I stood looking down at her and she covered her face with her arms. Before I could decide what to do with the snowball, my pal Billy hit me in the back of the head with a big one. What a friend! Maybe he was saving his sister. In any case, I took off after him, caught him and stuffed the snow down the collar of his coat. All right, sometimes I'm not very mature._

_By this afternoon the sun had melted all the snow. Tonight will be frosty. I wonder if Damon is warm at night. Does he have a good blanket? Is his coat keeping him warm during the day? He must long for all the times he had a nice warm bed to climb into here at home. I miss him. As far as we know, he will not be able to come home for Christmas. This will be the first year he will not be here._

_I feel like our family is slowly falling apart. I think it started with Mama's passing. Then Peter went away. Now Damon is away at war. My cousins have gone to Philadelphia. What if something happened to Father? I mean I don't expect anything to happen to Father, but a person never knows. What would happen to me if Father became ill or even passed away? _

_I shouldn't think these thoughts. Could thinking them cause something to happen? The idea is worrisome. I don't know why I feel a bit melancholy. I know the short days of winter often make me feel somber. On gloomy days when the clouds hang heavily overhead and a chill wind blows, I feel like everything is dead. I don't want to tramp off to school, although I feel better with the other students around. But then I have to go home to a gloomy house. Father tends to read and drink. He doesn't talk much except when we are adding to the ledger books. I read a lot. Books take me to other places, less gloomy places. I'll be glad when the days start to get longer, but it will be a while._

_December 18, 1861 I had the most disturbing dream last night. It was so real I can still picture it. I was at school and at the front of the classroom. I was supposed to read a history report I had written. I looked up from my paper and noticed that the girls in the class were all wearing the big hoop skirts. Some were seated at a table right in the front of the class. Their skirts were hiked up in front and I could see their legs. They had no pantaloons on! None of them, including Ilana, Barbara Ann and Peggy. The girls in the front row had their legs apart and I could see all the way to their crotches!_

_I just stared at what they were showing. I couldn't read another word. To make matters worse, I started to get aroused. All the students noticed and started to laugh. That didn't make my arousal go away, it made it worse. Then the buttons on my pants popped off and my member poked right out of my undergarments. There I stood, completely exposed and the girls ogled me. Everyone was laughing and pointing. I knew my face was scarlet. I wanted to run from the room, but I couldn't move. I wanted to die._

_Then I woke up. My hand was at my crotch and I was as hard as can be. Not surprising, I'm sure. I lay there under my warm covers and did what any boy my age would do, I expect. I must admit I didn't feel a speck of shame for doing it. I wonder if Sophie notices anything on my night shirt or my bedding when she strips the bed for wash day. That's a foolish thought. Of course, she notices. Sophie knows these things._

_The worst part was that I really did face the possibility of having to read my essay in front of the class today. I was afraid memory of the dream might lead to an embarrassing result. As it turned out, I was not picked to read my essay nor did I volunteer. I also noticed that none of the girls were wearing big hoopskirts and they kept their dress hems demurely down. I somehow failed to mention my dream to my friend Billy._

_December 21, 1861 Tonight was the big Christmas dance at the town hall. Unlike the more formal Christmas party which the Lockwoods held at their home this past Wednesday evening, the town dance is open to everyone. Father and I went. His gouty foot is all right at this time and he actually danced with the widow Mrs. McCarthy. I watched for a minute and I have to admit Father is a handsome man. He has dark hair like Damon, but his eyes are brown. I wonder what he was like when he married Mama. They probably made a really nice-looking couple._

_I danced with Barbara Ann, who turned out to be a good dancer. She is sort of willowy. I also danced with Ilana, who is short, but graceful. I was relieved that Peggy gave no indication that she wanted me to ask her to dance. She seemed to have other fellows ready to do it. _

_However, one of the dances was a circle dance and we all had to change partners again and again. I found Peggy in my arms. She asked if I was enjoying myself. I said yes, of course, and I politely asked if she was also. She smiled sweetly and said she was having a marvelous time. My hand on hers and my other hand touching her side made me a little tense. She smelled of some really nice scent. Her hoop skirt brushed against my legs. Her smile was one that was teasing me somehow. I couldn't help but look down at the bulge of her breasts just above the bodice of her dress. I didn't want to react to her and lead her on. My hands were getting sweaty. And then we changed partners. What a relief!_

_A/N I hope you liked the variety of things Stefan wrote about. The Christmas dance is not over. I'm working on more of it. Feel free to comment. I love reviews._

_._


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter 14_

_A/N This is a continuation of the Christmas dance, plus other things. I hope you find it interesting._

"_Holiday Cheer"_

_After that circle dance, quite a few people stepped outside to cool down. Many of the men who smoke pipes or cigars walked off a ways to smoke and chat. I knew there was also some strong hard liquor available just off in the dark. It is known that there are at least two stills in the area that turn out jugs full of corn squeezins. I took a sip of some once and it burned all the way down and the fumes made me cough. Unless a person is determined to get drunk, I don't see the point of drinking that stuff. Mr. Gilbert told me and Billy one time that sometimes rats fall in the mash. I don't know how that happens, but it is disgusting to think about drinking the stuff._

_As I turned to go back inside I spotted Ilana sitting on one of the porch benches, her shawl wrapped tightly around her shoulders. Light from inside was coming out the window and shining on her back. As she turned her head to look at me, the light hit the side of her face. I thought she was so pretty. She looked a bit sad and I wondered if she was thinking of Daniel._

_No one else was on the porch at the moment, so on an impulse I walked over to her, leaned down and placed a kiss on her cheek. She made a little noise and raised a hand to my face. I don't know what made me do it, but I leaned farther down and let my lips touch hers. She seemed surprised and moved back, but then she came forward again and let her soft lips touch mine again. She had sipped some spiced cider and her kiss tasted of it and smelled of it. Very enticing. I would have lingered there, tasting her, feeling the softness, except behind me someone cleared their throat. Surprised, I jumped back. It was Ilana's mother. Flustered, I stammered "Merry Christmas" and moved away to the door._

_Inside, I touched my finger to my lips. I had kissed Ilana! It was really my first kiss, my first kiss on the mouth. I liked it a lot. I could do that again and I think Ilana would let me. After all, she kissed me back._

_It wasn't until a short time later that I realized I had made a stupid mistake. I had wished Ilana and her mother Merry Christmas and they are Jewish! Hanukah is the Jewish holiday this time of year. Ilana had told me that before. I felt like an idiot when I realized my mistake. It sort of spoiled the kiss memory. And it now occurs to me that maybe Ilana's mother would not let her go riding or driving alone with me again because of the kiss. If her parents had trusted me before, they might not now. I am such a dunce. _

_On the other hand, I loved that kiss. It had started a bit of stirring down below and I suppose it's a good thing the kiss was cut short before I had an embarrassing full reaction. I'm sure Mrs. Fishman had intended to interrupt any such occurrence. _

_On the drive home with Father in the surrey he surprised me with a comment, one not meant to make me feel better. He said something like "I believe I told you not to get involved with the Jewish girl."_

_I stared at him in the dark. Surely he didn't know I had kissed Ilana! I stammered something foolish like "What are you talking about?"_

"_Did you think no one saw you _kissing_ her?" he asked in a tone that was accusing me of something terrible._

_I really didn't think anyone other than her mother had noticed. That was foolish of me. Ilana and I were right in front of a window. Any number of people, especially men, could have been out there in the night smoking or drinking. Someone had seen. Someone had spoken to my father. Maybe even he himself had been out there._

"_It was just a kiss, Father," I said in a reasonable tone. I didn't want to start an argument with him. "I told you before I don't plan for Ilana and I to marry some day."_

"_That could change if you get her with child," he snapped._

"_I would never do that!" I said. I was shocked he didn't trust me. "We aren't doing anything like that! That was the first time I ever kissed her and I did it because she looked sad. I think she was missing her brother."_

_That sounded like a reasonable argument for my action. Father just snorted at that._

"_One kiss can lead to another and then to other things," he said. "I don't want you to be like Damon. He's lucky some girl's father didn't come after him with a shotgun. He just can't keep it in his trousers."_

_I stared at him in the dark as he drove the horse home. I muttered something under my breath that I should not have. "He must have taken after you."_

_He turned to me and snapped, "What?"_

"_Nothing, Father," I said. When I realized he would not take that for an answer, I added, "I just said you shouldn't say I'm like Damon in that way. He's handsome and I'm not. The girls flock to him. I don't have that problem."_

"_There's nothing wrong with how you look, Stefan," he said. "You are a nice-looking boy in a way that is different from Damon."_

_I figure as my father, he has to say that. I think I am plain, not bad-looking, but not handsome, not like Damon. And that was not the point here. My thoughts were of Father and women._

_The truth was that I had learned some time ago from Damon that my father had cheated on my mother during the last year or so of her life. Maybe even before that. Damon pointed out that Mama had a separate bedroom from Father. I had never realized that that was not the usual situation. _

_She had not been in good health, especially once she was with child with Peter. Obviously she had shared a bed with Father to make that baby. And I know that from time to time Sooner has been in Father's room at night. When I was younger it meant nothing to me. I have heard her leave a time or two recently when I was awake for some reason. I now know what it means. Mama is gone and I suppose I should not blame Father for wanting a woman now and then. Nor do I blame Damon for attracting them. _

_Still, I have mixed feelings about Father, sometimes anger over his behavior toward Mama and sometimes just acceptance. If I am in a generous mood I tell myself Father is not really an old man and he hasn't had a wife in a long time. I know one of the boys at school has a father notorious for his unfaithfulness to his wife. If Father takes Sooner to his bed, at least he is keeping it private. He is not the only man to have something going with one of his slaves._

_I resent him speaking out against Damon's behavior. I just hope Damon didn't act improperly with some other man's wife. And I believe in my brother enough to know in my heart that he never forced his attentions on any woman. I can't imagine myself doing that either._

_December 25, 1861 Christmas came on a Wednesday this year. Somehow, I like it when that happens in the middle of the week instead of when we are out of school anyway. Father and I went over to the Gilbert house for dinner. They had a beautiful Christmas tree. _

_We didn't put up a Christmas tree this year. We would have if Damon had been here. He likes one, whereas Father isn't interested. My father liked it when Mama was alive and when Damon and I were little. I remember the nice trees with strings of popcorn and wooden ornaments. We even had some glass ornaments. There would be tiny candles in holders clipped to the branches very carefully so they didn't set fire to the tree. We kept a bucket of water handy just in case. The tree would have that nice evergreen smell. I remember it so well. _

_Father got us a tree for a few years after Mama passed, but then he lost interest. Then Damon went out and got a tree each year. He always said it was in memory of Mama's love of a tree. Finally, our tree was just a little one on a table. This year, we have no Damon and no tree. I should have gone out and found one, but I didn't._

_So, it was nice to see the big one in the Gilbert parlor. All the Gilberts were there, including Lindsey, who hoped not to be called out on a doctor call during dinner. Mrs. Gilbert and Amy set a wonderful table and served platters and bowls of steaming food that smelled heavenly. Mr. Gilbert insisted on saying grace as he always does. Almost grudgingly, Father crossed himself after the Amen. He should go talk to Father Flanagan. They might get on well, for all he knows, even if he does not go to church. I don't know how well the Irish and the Italians get along. I don't really know how Father Flanagan feels about Father's situation._

_Amy was sitting next to me at the big table. She is two years older than me at sixteen, but she is shorter because I am taller now. (Well, it seems I just stated the obvious.)She has a cheerful personality and is quite talkative. If a person didn't know she couldn't read or do numbers, he would think she was quite normal._

_After dinner, Mrs. Gilbert played the organ in the parlor. She pumps the foot pedals with her feet as she plays. She is quite good and we all sang carols. It reminds me of Mama and her piano. I had to push that memory aside so I would not feel sad. Amy played some songs too. She can't read music, but she learned to play "by ear."_

_I never really paid close attention to Amy. I found myself studying her more this evening because I realized that she would soon be old enough to marry. I wondered if she would be able to be a wife in her own home, to cook and shop, to wash and iron. To have babies and take proper care of them. Just how much of a problem does she have? I wondered. What I saw was that she seemed to be doing everything right and was observant of what needed to be done._

_When both Billy and I headed out to the privy to relieve ourselves, I asked Billy what he thought about Amy marrying someday. He said she would be a good mother and wife. He said her real problem was that she could not read and she was embarrassed about that. It made her quite shy sometimes. In Billy's opinion, Amy was as smart as most people._

_I mentioned that his father had said that Amy had read the secret wedding-night book. How could she have read it? Billy said that his mother had read it to her and they had talked about it. Or so Mr. Gilbert had told Billy. Well, that made sense._

_I have known Amy all my life and I have known she could not read ever since Billy and I started school. I think my view of her has always been colored by that fact and I have been wrong in thinking she is somehow a slow-witted person. She is not at all like Sammy Inglebert who is ten years old but can't dress himself. He is very childish and has an odd face. Father says Sammy is what some folks call an idiot. He is very friendly, though, and can be fun to be around. His sister Gloria is in my class and she is normal._

_I try to be observant of people and I read a lot, but sometimes I feel I am quite ignorant about so many things. I want to be able to understand people and not misjudge them. I suppose that is part of growing up._

_It was quite late when I prepared to drive Father and I home from the Gilbert house tonight. He was inebriated, to say the least. I wasn't sure why, because he had eaten a lot of food with his drinks. Of course, he had downed quite a few drinks, especially hard cider. Normally, Father can hold his liquor, especially if he eats, but not this time. As we made our way to the buggy, he groaned, stopped by the walkway and leaned over. Up came a lot of food and drink. It was disgusting._

_I stood by in the darkness with Mr. Gilbert while Father went down on hands and knees and vomited like a sick dog. Finally, he seemed done and Mr. Gilbert helped him up onto the buggy seat. Father said he could drive, but I insisted that I would do it._

_On the way home he told me he didn't feel well, which didn't surprise me at all. I had to hold onto him with one arm to keep him from falling off the seat. Luckily the horse knew the way home and I didn't have to guide him._

_At home Joshua came outside to help me, while Silas came to take the horse to the barn. Father was so unsteady Joshua and I had to help him up the stairs and partially undress him down to his underclothes and put him to bed. We put him on his side with pillows behind him. Joshua said that was in case he got sick again and he would not choke on it. Joshua said he thought Father felt hot, like he had a fever. It could be. Then Joshua said he would lock up the house for the night, so I came to my room. Now, here I am writing. It was a good Christmas, but it would have been even better if Father had not gotten ill and if Damon had been here to share the holiday with us._

_December 26, 1861 Well, I feel a bit guilty for being disgusted with Father last night. Today he is sick with a cold or maybe the grippe._ (Flu)_ He is hot and achy. I hope he isn't seriously ill. On top of that, a cold or the grippe can go from person to person and all of us who were at dinner last night might get it too. Father only sneezed a few times yesterday, so I don't think any of us considered that he was becoming ill._

_Later now. I have been sneezing. It looks like I will be sniffling, sneezing and coughing for a while, too. Billy came over and he admitted that his brother Roland had been sneezing for a couple of days and he too had become sick during the night._

_January 6, 1862 I feel better this evening. What a miserable week. Father is better too, although he has been coughing more than me. Sophie isn't well, but she keeps going. I guess we will survive. Quite a few folks in town have become sick and people think it is a serious outbreak of the grippe. Four people have died, a little baby, a four year old child, Mrs. Williams and old Mr. Caswell. _

_Damon's last letter, which came today, says quite a few soldiers have been ill this winter, but he has been all right. He didn't have much to say in the letter, so I wonder if perhaps he wasn't feeling well when he wrote it. I hope he is all right. He did say he really missed not being home for Christmas and he hoped we were all well. I'll write to him soon._

_The weather today has been cold and cloudy and gloomy. Gloomy. Gloomy._

_A/N Back in those days, the flu sometimes killed quite a few people. It also got into soldiers' camps. Throughout the war, various illnesses probably killed more soldiers than the fighting did. I think we can assume that Damon got sick from time to time, but he obviously survived._


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter 15_

"_Mr. Gilbert's Hobbies and a Bay Horse Gone"_

_A/N I have been trying to think of things Stefan might do that I could write about. I have come up with a couple of ideas._

_January 7, 1862 Today I went back to school. I wouldn't have minded having the extra time off this past week, except that being sick was no fun. I was interested to see how many of the students would be in school today. Most of them were, but many of them looked as worn out from illness as I felt. I am tired of coughing, but at least I am on the road to recovery._

_I talked to both Ilana and Barbara Ann. They were glad to be back to school for the same reason I was. I had been lonely, bored and feeling miserable at home. It's true that Billy came to the house a few days ago and yesterday, but there is so much more going on at school._

_After school I stopped at Billy's house. His family seemed to be in good spirits, coughing, but cheerful. We found Mr. Gilbert in his workroom, as he calls it. It is a small room next to the library where he usually spends his time. His workroom is very interesting because he has books on inventions and experiments. He likes to try things out._

_For instance, he has several books that have been written about Leonardo da Vinci because he admires so much the scientific ideas and drawings the man made so long ago. Mr. Gilbert says that some day someone will discover a way to let voices travel over a wire just like the telegraph. I can't see how that would be possible since all the telegraph does is send a simple code along the wire. That is amazing in itself, but I see no way spoken words could do that. Mr. Gilbert loves ideas like that and tinkers with things whenever he does not have his nose in a book._

_I'm surprised he hasn't flown a kite in a thunderstorm like Benjamin Franklin did about a hundred years ago. He wouldn't do it to prove anything, I don't think, but the idea would thrill him. I know electricity is used in the telegraph. It's controlled, but a bolt of lightning can kill a person. Mr. Gilbert has enough sense not to go fly a kite in a storm._

_He also has a crossbow mounted on the wall and with it some wooden arrows. He has several other old weapons on the wall too. Sort of a display. Two items that I find strange are fancy carved wooden pieces. He says they are stakes for killing vampires, should any come around our town. He said the stakes were carved in eastern Europe where people believe in vampires. _

_He also reminded me that he had given a couple to my father. I knew this, of course. Father has them on a shelf. Mr. Gilbert had also given Father a crossbow similar to his own. My father once told me that he keeps them on display because they were gifts from his dear friend Jonathan Gilbert. _

_I suspect Mr. Gilbert believes there really are vampires and would probably love to have the chance to kill one with a stake. They have a sharp point, but I doubt a person could drive one into a vampire without a hammer or mallet. In any case, I'm sure my father does not believe in such creatures. As far as I know, once a person's heart stops beating, they are permanently dead, and once buried, they stay there._

_January 10, 1862 Something happened this morning that really has Father angry. Silas, our stableman, sleeps with his wife Cook (Amaka) in the house and he goes out to the barn early. His helper Rufus sleeps in a small room in the hay loft. Silas went to the barn and found Rufus out cold in the aisle. Damon's horse that he bought just two years ago was gone. Silas came running back to the house and told Father and me as we were eating breakfast. We rushed out to the barn and found Rufus sitting up, but he was dizzy._

_He told Father that he had heard a horse moving around in the aisle, so he had climbed down the ladder to see if one of the animals had gotten out of its stall. Someone rushed him in the dark and hit him on the head. It was obvious that someone had come into the barn before dawn and taken McKinley, Damon's bay horse. Father instructed Silas to ride into town and find the sheriff._

_We took Rufus to the kitchen where he could warm up and also so we could see if he was all right. He said he just had a headache and was chilled clean through. Eventually, the sheriff came, riding with Silas. He talked to Rufus and Father. The problem with McKinley is that he is a bay gelding with no white marks. His shade of bay is very common. He is of average size and well-built. He isn't branded and has no obvious scars. There are a lot of horses in our area and many of them are bays with no white markings._

_I might know the horse if I saw him, I think. Certainly so would Damon, but he's not here. The sheriff said he would check around, but it could be awkward for him to go to each man and ask to look at his horses. It was sort of like accusing him of possible horse-thievery. He did admit that there were several people who might steal a horse. It was odd that it had happened now, because the horse has been here for two years. The sheriff said horse thieving was increasing because the army was buying them._

_If we had snow on the ground it would have been easier to track the horse, but there was no snow and the ground was frozen. I couldn't stay to see what happened because I had to get to school, so I bundled up and left. When I got home, there was no new word on the animal's whereabouts. Father suggested I not write and tell Damon yet._

_January 11, 1862 This being Saturday, I drove over to Ilana's house after lunch in hopes that she would be allowed to go for a drive. I was nervous about facing the Fishmans. Mr. Fishman was the one I had to speak to, although I had no idea if Mrs. Fishman had ever told her husband that I had kissed their daughter. It only took a moment to realize that she had. He told me Ilana could go with me if we stayed in the buggy and stayed on the main roads in town and if I minded my manners toward his daughter. No parking in some secluded spot. I agreed, of course. I didn't want to be forbidden from spending time with her._

_Ilana was warmly dressed when she came from the house and I helped her up to the phaeton seat. I then joined her and spread the driving blanket around our legs and laps. The breeze was a bit nippy, but both of us were dressed warmly. The horse was frisky and he moved out at a good trot when we left their house. I really didn't want to drive around the streets of town, so after a few minutes, I pointed to horse toward Wickery Bridge. _

_There was a lot of ice on the river although the water underneath was still flowing. I thought about asking Ilana if she would like to skate on our pond, which was completely iced over. If Billy, Amy, Ford Wainwright and Barbara Ann could come we could have a skating party. It would not be as if Ilana and I were alone._

_I did ask her and she said she thought her parents would allow her to do that if there were other friends there._

_Before we could talk about it more, I saw something that distracted me. There is a farm on the north side of the road we were traveling on, about a half mile beyond the bridge. It's called the Clive farm, but I don't know anyone who lives there. They don't have any children in school. _

_What I saw was a man on a horse in the smaller pasture near the barn. The horse was a dark bay with white on the front legs. What caught my attention was the way the horse was moving. He was not being cooperative, side-stepping and prancing and wringing his tail up and down and sideways. He gave a short kick with one hind leg. If not for the white on his legs, I would have sworn that the horse was McKinley. I reined in my horse and Ilana and I watched the struggle between the rider and horse._

"_That's Damon's stolen horse," I told Ilana. "I've seen him move like that many a time." It's not that other horses don't act up like that, it was just something about the horse. Damon liked a horse with plenty of spirit as long as it was not mean or dangerous. I knew he had also taught the horse to come to a special whistle, which I didn't think I could duplicate._

_I didn't think I should confront the man on the horse. What could I say? He would just deny it was Damon's horse. He would probably laugh and order me off the property. I decided I needed to get the sheriff. I managed to turn us around and headed back to town at a fast clip. _

_In town I almost hit another wagon and the driver yelled at me to slow down. I stopped at the court house where the sheriff's office is and handed the reins to Ilana while I jumped down and ran inside. Three men were with the sheriff, but I barged in yelling that I had seen Damon's horse on the Clive farm._

_There was a bit of a hubbub because I was rudely interrupting whatever the men were talking about. Also, the men were not inclined to believe me about the horse. The sheriff told me he had seen the animal and it had two white feet, which McKinley did not have. When I asked if the white might be white wash, the men just smiled at me. I know that look. It's the one they give you when they are being tolerant while thinking you have no idea what you're talking about. It was frustrating._

_Finally, the sheriff said he would go out there and check on it. I was relieved and urged him to go right away, but he said he had business to finish and then he would go. I argued that the horse might not be there when he got there. He firmly said he would go as soon as he could._

_I was so frustrated that I ran out of the building and down the stairs and almost ran into Mr. Fishman who was coming up the stairs. He stopped me short._

"_Ilana tells me you were out by the Clive place. That's past Wickery Bridge! Didn't I tell you to stay close to town, Stefan?" he demanded with a hold on my arm. He had apparently come to his bank today, which was just on the west side of the town square and he had seen Ilana sitting in the phaeton. I didn't know the bank was open on a Saturday. Maybe he had just come there for something._

"_I like to let the horse trot fast," I said because it was the only thing I could think of at the moment. "I can't do that with people walking around and teams plodding along."_

"_Were you racing with someone?" he asked me in a sharp tone. _

"_No, sir," I assured him. "It was just Ilana and I."_

"_And didn't you understand that I didn't want you to be alone somewhere with my daughter?"_

_This was not going well. I was worried about Damon's horse and now I was caught driving where I should not have been alone with Ilana._

"_I wasn't doing anything improper with Ilana!" I said, getting a bit frantic. "We were just out for a drive. You can trust me with her!"_

"_I trusted you to stay close to town and you didn't. I know how boys your age can be," he said. Of course he had had a son who was my age not long ago. And I suppose he had been an adolescent himself a long time ago. Maybe he chased the girls himself. But he had no right to assume I was doing anything wrong!_

"_Take Ilana home," he said. "Right now."_

"_Yes, sir," I said, but I was really annoyed. It wasn't fair. I got up in the buggy and turned the horse toward Ilana's house. She apologized for her father's harsh words. Under the blanket her hand squeezed my thigh. That surprised me. I could feel the warmth of her hand right through her glove and my trousers. And right up my leg. I felt a response starting and I did my best not to let it grow. We were too close to her house._

_I reached under the blanket and took her hand in mine. "Perhaps you shouldn't do that," I told her, bringing her hand out from under the blanket. She looked startled and then blushed red, redder than the cold air had already made her cheeks. She hadn't considered what it might do to me, but she realized now._

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean …," she stammered._

"_I know. It's all right," I stammered back. It was more than all right. Perhaps Mr. Fishman and Father were right to worry that something might happen._

_After I left Ilana at her home, I headed out toward Wickery Bridge again. I wanted to see what was happening with McKinley._

_A/N I hope you all liked this chapter. Obviously Stefan's little adventure will continue in the next chapter. Stay tuned._


	16. Chapter 16

_Chapter 16_

_A/N Thanks for the reviews, guys. The story continues with Stefan's effort to retrieve Damon's stolen horse. And then there's the measuring._

"_Whistling and Measured"_

_I drove out over Wickery Bridge again. I came to the corner of Clive's pasture and reined in. There was no side road or path, so I had to tie the horse to the fence and hope Mr. Clive didn't see him or drive toward town. The house and barn were a fair distance, so the chances were good the horse and phaeton wouldn't be seen._

_I looked across the pasture to the barn area and didn't see the man on the horse. Was he in the barn? No, I spotted the bay out with other horses in the pasture. If I could get to him, I could tell if he had whitewash or paint on his legs. _

_The animals were in the middle of the pasture and slowly working their way away from the barn and toward the east fence. They were searching the ground for what grass was left. I stayed on the outside of the fence that went at right angles to the road, but made my way along it, planning to get near the herd. McKinley knew me and might come to me. I wished I had a carrot or apple to offer him. Of course, then all of the horses might come to me, but the point was that I wanted to get a close look at the white on the bay's legs._

_I got really close and leaned on the fence. I spoke to the horses and they all looked at me. I thought the white on the legs looked thin and uneven. It certainly could be white wash. I called to McKinley who had his ears forward and took a step toward me, but then one of the other animals snorted and wheeled around, dashing off. All the horses did likewise._

_Disappointed, I wondered if I could sneak across the pasture and get to the animals again. Mr. Clive must be planning to sell to the army and McKinley would be lost to us. Did the army care that the horse was likely stolen? Maybe not if they needed horses._

_I was about to climb over the post-and-rail fence when I heard something and saw a man approaching along the fence line from the road. It was a deputy whom I knew and who knew me. I debated going over the fence before he got to me, but decided not to. I told him I was sure the bay was our horse and that the white was painted on. He told me the sheriff was going to talk to Mr. Clive and I was to return to my horse and buggy._

_I did as I was told, but I didn't drive home. I followed the deputy as he got on his horse and went to the entrance to the farm. He told me to go home, but I still didn't. I trailed along right to the barn where the sheriff was talking to Mr. Clive. I heard the man telling the lawman that he had bought the bay and he had papers to prove it. He had bought the chestnut with one white foot also. He even admitted that both horses were likely painted with white on their legs. Unless an owner came forward with proof that the horses were his, Mr. Clive claimed ownership. Of course, the two horses were of common colors, build and had no identifying markings. I didn't have to be a genius to know that._

_Sheriff Forbes asked that the horse be brought in to the barn yard. Mr. Clive scowled at him and in a huff went to get a halter to put on the horse. Then he and the sheriff headed for the gate. I wanted to go too, but the deputy grabbed the collar of my coat and ordered me to stay with him._

_We watched while the herd of six horses tore around the pasture and wouldn't be caught. I wondered why the men didn't offer a bucket of grain. Horses will usually come for that, especially if it's sweet feed. I suggested it to the deputy. He just nodded. Apparently the sheriff and Mr. Clive came to the same conclusion, because they headed back to the barn._

_Well, the sweet feed in the bucket idea brought half of the horses to the barn. The bay was one of them. He snorted at Mr. Clive when he tried to put a halter on him. McKinley obviously didn't trust him and backed up, his head held high and his ears flicking back and forth. I spoke to him and opened the gate. The horse let me walk up to him, which made me smile. The sheriff handed me the halter and I slipped it onto the horse._

_Mr. Clive declared that just because the horse tolerated me didn't mean it was my horse. McKinley and I were not close friends. I had never ridden him, in fact, but he knew me. I had groomed him a time or two, despite the fact that it was Silas' job. In fact, the horse was showing more interest in the bucket of grain than in me, which Mr. Clive pointed out._

_I told Sheriff Forbes that McKinley had been trained to come to a special whistle, but I didn't think I could do it well enough. I could hear it in my head clearly because I had been around when Damon had trained the horse. Nevertheless, Sheriff Forbes led McKinley away and stood with him. The deputy had the bucket of grain or what was left of it. The rest had been thrown on the ground for the other horses that were crowding around._

_Then I had to try to whistle to prove the horse would come to it. Would McKinley choose the bucket or my attempt to whistle?. My mouth was dry and so were my lips. I tried the notes I could hear in my head. They didn't come out right, but the horse did look at me. I tried again and then again. I improved. The horse became irritated and pulled on the halter. Finally, he snorted and tried to come to me, shaking his head because the sheriff had hold of the halter and was standing still. Sheriff Forbes let go of the horse and McKinley came right to me. I grabbed the halter and stroked his neck and scratched his cheek. He likes that. I told him he was a good boy. I felt so happy. I had gotten Damon's horse back!_

_The deputy gave me the bucket and I rewarded the horse with what was left inside. Mr. Clive complained to the sheriff that he had paid good money for the horse and he expected to get his money back from either the sheriff or my father. Sheriff Forbes said that Mr. Clive knew the horse had white washed legs and therefore was a disguised stolen horse. Sheriff Forbes said some other things which I don't remember. Mr. Clive was angry, but he quit arguing._

_To make a long story shorter, I wasn't allowed to just take McKinley home by myself. The sheriff rode along beside me as I drove home and he led the horse. Father was surprised to see us all coming. I guess one of the house servants let him know. Father looked pleased to see McKinley. He didn't look pleased when Sheriff Forbes told him that I had spotted the horse in Mr. Clive's field, reported it and then gone back by myself._

_I told Father that I just wanted a closer look to make sure it was really McKinley. Father scowled and had Silas take the bay to the barn. Rufus took the driving horse and buggy to the barn. In the house, after the sheriff had ridden off, Father asked about my intended drive with Ilana and I told him how we had come to see the horse in the first place. He didn't scold me or punish me in any way, so I guess he was reasonably pleased with my actions. He also didn't praise me for being observant. Father does not do praise well._

_I was bursting with the need to tell Billy what had happened because he would show the right appreciation for what I had done. So I ran to Billy's house and related my fine adventure to him and his family. Everyone was impressed and told me I had done a good job. If Billy's parents thought I shouldn't have done it alone, they didn't say so. I felt really good about the whole thing._

_So, here I am feeling good and writing a long entry into my journal. I am just so happy that I was able to get Damon's horse back for him._

_January 12, 1862 I wanted to go to Ilana's house and hear if her father had been angry with her, but I decided today was probably not a good time. I decided to wait a couple of days. Maybe I should just ask her at school what happened after I left her at her house._

_I did go over to Billy's house. We sat in his room talking about this and that. He shares a bedroom with Roland, but Roland was out somewhere with his friends. Up until recently, Lindsey's room has been kept for him, but Billy says Lindsey has found a room close to his office and wants to stay there. If so, Billy or Roland will get the room. Amy has a small room of her own._

_Just before I was ready to leave the Gilbert house, Billy admitted to something he had done. I said I would do that too when I got home. We both had to laugh about that._

_When I got home I had about an hour before dinner would be on the table. Father always expects me to be there. He used to get annoyed with Damon if he didn't get home from somewhere in time for the meal. For the most part, Damon was there. Now, there is just Father and I at the table that seats eight._

_Anyway, I went to my room and got my wooden ruler from my desk drawer. Then I let my trousers down and unbuttoned the front of my union suit. I intended to measure my member. I like calling it my "member." I used to always call it my pisser. I know the right name for it and I've heard several other names, but I think "member" sounds sophisticated. Anyway, my intention was to see how it compared to the length Billy had measured on his._

_I worked at getting it stiffened up so it would be its longest. Then I laid the ruler along the top side. I wondered if I should measure the underside because I know it goes back a bit in my crotch. But I figured the important length would be that of the top side. I had the ruler laid thusly and was trying to read the ruler markings when my bedroom door opened. I looked and Father was standing there!_

_He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at what I had in my hands. I didn't move for a moment and then I removed the ruler and held it up. I said something like "Just taking a measurement," while also trying to stuff my member back inside my underwear._

_I could see Father was taken aback by what I was doing. But then he asked me what the measurement was. I told him and he sort of smiled. I wonder what his measurement is. I've never seen his member when it was hard. I wonder if I will end up with more than he has. Of course, I will probably never know. I don't know what Damon has in inches, but the last time I saw it, I know I have a bit more to go before I get there. If I'm even ever going to match him. Every fellow is individual in length and girth in that area Mr. Gilbert has said._

_When Father and I ate dinner he told me what he had come to my room to tell me. It wasn't nearly as memorable as what had taken place in my room. Neither of us spoke of it at the dinner table, needless to say. I can't believe that I am now writing this in my journal!_

_January 13, 1862 I met Billy on the way to school and I told him what had happened. He nearly fell down laughing. I also told him what my measurement is. We are almost equal now. He just punched me in the arm and grinned._

_At school we have finally gotten our new cloth flags. This new official flag of the Confederacy has thirteen stars in the circle instead of the eleven we had last year. Up until now, we had a flag painted on a piece of canvas in each class room, but now each room has a real one. I wonder if any more states will join the Confederacy and a newer flag will have to be made. Here at home I have a small version of our battle flag with its crossed bars. I guess Damon sees the real ones every day._

_I talked to Ilana, telling her that we got the horse back. She was pleased and said I was brave to go out to the farm and face Mr. Clive. She also said for me to wait a week or so before asking her folks if she could go for a drive again._

_After school I wrote a letter to Damon. I told him we had been sick with the grippe, but that we were well now. I told him about his horse being stolen and about my drive with Ilana and about getting McKinley back. I told him I really missed him and that I hoped he was well and warm enough. We don't know where Damon is right now or how_

_long it will take for the letter to reach him. I wish this war would hurry up and be over so he can come home._

_A/N Hope you all liked this chapter. I'm working on more of the story. Comments?_


	17. Chapter 17

_Chapter 17_

A/N Here we go with some more random writing on Stefan's part. A little of this and a little of that. And thank you to the readers and those of you who reviewed.

"_In Town and the Mortgage"_

_January 18, 1862 I was in town today with Father. He insisted that I have my hair cut by the barber this time instead of the way Sophie does it at home. It was my first time at the barber shop. The barber, Mr. Crown, joked with me and asked if I wanted a nice shave with the haircut. I don't shave yet, but one day …_

_He also looked at my teeth, which sort of made me nervous. He pulls teeth if a person has one festering. He told me I had good strong teeth and asked me if I had any baby teeth left. I said I had one left in the back. He made me open my mouth wide and he probed around back there. His finger tasted like shaving soap. He pushed on a tooth, which I knew was loose, and it popped free. I could taste a drop of blood as I spit the tooth out. I hadn't expected him to do that or I wouldn't have opened my mouth._

_My eye teeth seem a little long to me and I asked him if that was normal. He said it was. He jokingly said I could bite someone really good if I needed to. He complimented me on how clean my teeth were and I told him I brushed them every morning and looked at them in the mirror to see if I was getting them clean. I don't want to have rotten teeth like some folks do. After all the teeth business, he cut my hair while Father watched and finally gave his approval. My head felt cold when we went outside again and I made sure my cap was on firmly._

_A stranger came to town while we were walking along the sidewalk. He was in a carriage with a white man driving and two fine Hackney horses. He stopped beside us and spoke politely out the window to Father. He asked if there was a hotel or rooming house in town. He had an accent which I recognized as English. There are a couple of families in the area that still have the accent from Colonial days. It's the older people, not the children. The younger ones seem to have the accent of this part of Virginia, which sounds to me like no accent at all. We must sound different to Grandma when she comes from Richmond because she sounds different to me. She hasn't come here in a very long time._

_Anyway, the man looked to be younger than Father, but he still was a mature person. I can't judge the age of adults unless I know they were in their teen years not long ago. This fellow said his name was Elijah Smith-Smith, which almost made me laugh. What kind of name is that? Well, English, I guess. He had hair as dark as Father's and dark eyes. I guess he was handsome, but I'm no judge of that either. He seemed quietly friendly in a manner Father calls "reserved."_

_Father told him where the hotel was across the square and mentioned that there were also rooms to rent over one of the stores. The man thanked Father and had his driver move on around to the other side of the square._

"_That's a nice carriage he has," I said to Father. "And nice Hackney horses."_

_Father gave a snort and said the carriage was ostentatious. He has never spoken well of the English, even though Mama's family was originally English. He also doesn't compliment things that are better than what we have. Except horses. _

_Does he resent the fact that some people, like the Lockwoods, have a lot more money than us? It seems to me we have plenty of things to be thankful for. We have a nice big house, good servants, plenty to eat, decent clothes. Father has a couple of nice buggies and decent horses. I have my books and a good horse and a couple of close friends. What more could I want? What more does he want?_

_While we were in town, we ended up having a bite of lunch in the hotel's dining room, just for a change of pace. Father watched my manners as we ate. We were half way through the meal when the Englishman came into the dining room and took a table right next to ours. His driver joined him, which he would not have done if he had been colored. Apparently Mr. Smith-Smith is not too proud to eat with his employee._

_He spoke to Father and I for a moment and he seemed polite. He said he was traveling from western Virginia, which is now separate from us, and is hoping to catch a ship back to England. Father reminded him that some harbors were blockaded by the Union ships. The Englishman said he was sure he would find a way to get through. I admired his calm confidence. He's such a fine gentleman that I wondered if he thought of us as country bumpkins. His manner seemed natural and I'm sure he wasn't looking down his nose at us. And I liked his Biblical name. Elijah._

_This evening I helped put more figures in the ledger book. The only time I realize we barely have enough money is when I do this. As farmers, we are dependant on a good crop of hay to sell. We also sell fruit and vegetables if we have a bumper crop. But by late spring and early summer funds are running low._

_It made me wonder about something I had never thought of before. Here we have this big house and a nice farm and it must have cost a lot of money to buy, and yet Father doesn't have that kind of money today. I asked him how he had come to have the farm, how much it had cost to buy. He told me that when he and my mother were first married, he had quite a tidy sum of money inherited from his parents. He said they had been moderately wealthy in Italy and then had done well when they came to Georgia. When they died, their children inherited certain sums of money. The oldest sons got the Georgia business, but Father ended up with a tidy sum._

_On top of that, Mama also had a decent dowry. Between then, they had the money needed to purchase our land here in Mystic Falls and to build the house. Over the years the money dwindled and sometimes the farm barely made a profit. Also, Father admitted that he had made some investments which had lost money instead of making a profit. I knew about that because of overhearing Mr. Gilbert telling Father this investment or that was not a good idea. A gamble. When you gamble you often lose, Mr. Gilbert says._

_Father told me he has twice mortgaged the property. I asked him to explain that and he said it was a loan of money from the bank based on the value of the property. He was paying back the loan a bit at a time. I asked him how long it took to pay off the mortgage. He said it took years. I asked what would happen if he didn't pay back the loan. He said we would lose the farm to the bank. _

_ The idea worries me. We could lose our home? It also occurred to me that the banker Mr. Fishman could end up owning our farm! Father had said that the farm would be mine some day. I guess he doesn't plan on losing it._

_Anyway, Father has borrowed money from the bank twice as a mortgage. He paid back the first one, but owes quite a bit on the second. He said the bank loan was in American money, but now we have Confederate money. I don't understand where that is going to take us. I asked Father about it and he says not to worry about such things. I just know I don't want us to lose the farm._

_Sometimes I wish I was not helping Father with the ledger. If I was not doing it, I wouldn't know about such things as a mortgage and a shortage of cash. I wonder what Damon knows of all this._

_January 19, 1862 This afternoon, I took a chance and drove the phaeton over to Ilana's house. I hoped her parents would let her go for a drive with me. They didn't. Instead, they invited me to come into their parlor. Their house was nice and warm from the fire in the fireplace. Mr. Fishman took my coat and indicated that I could sit on the sofa with their daughter so we could chat. I have done that before and I was satisfied to do that. At least they didn't send me packing, as they say._

_Ilana seemed pleased that I had come. She smiled and took my hand, leading me to the sofa. She let go of my hand as she sat down and patted the seat beside her. I sat down, careful not to be too close. I wanted to pick up her warm hand and hold it, but I didn't. I didn't want her parents thinking we had become in any way intimate. Well, come to think of it, it's too late for that, isn't it? They know I kissed Ilana at the dance._

_So, instead of going for a drive, Ilana and I and her parents chatted. They asked about Damon, if we had heard from him. Was he all right? Had he been in any skirmishes? I know they were thinking of Daniel and how his wound had turned deadly. Since we had not had a letter lately from Damon, I couldn't say how he was._

_We also talked about happier things. Mr. Fishman plays the guitar and sings. He has a strong voice and Ilana told me he is a cantor. I think that's like singing in church, except he alone does the singing. I'm not sure. Anyway, he, Mrs. Fishman and Ilana all like to sing and we sat there and sang songs that we all know. It was fun. It seems the parents are not still upset with me for taking Ilana out by the Clive farm and they seem not to object to my being her friend. I think they know I'm not seriously courting her. I mean, we are only fourteen! But I surely would have loved to plant a kiss on those soft, pink lips again._

_January 22, 1862 We received a letter from Damon today! I was so happy to get it. Like all his letters, it was addressed to me. Father knows this and sees the envelope, but he doesn't read the letter before I do. After I read it a couple of times, I give it to him._

_I think I will just copy most of what he wrote rather than put down my thoughts on it._

"_Dear Stefan and Father,_

_ "I sit here close to our camp fire trying to stay warm. It's really cold tonight with a breeze that seems to sneak right through my coat. I am trying to write this letter by the fire's light, which isn't the best. We have a lantern, but our sergeant and one of the other men are using it to write their letters._

"_A lot of the men have been sick with colds and the grippe. I have been coughing and achy, but I think I am over the worst of it. One of our squad has pneumonia and he likely will die. I feel bad for him because he has a wife and child at home._

"_We have been on the move, partly by train and partly by marching. We had a small conflict with some damned Yankees. This time I got a bullet hole in the sleeve of my uniform, but no damage to my skin. I sure as hell don't like getting shot at, but so far I have been lucky. Knock on wood!_

"_I can not believe that some of these men, even after all these months, have no idea how to cook food. I swear some of them could not boil water right. Stefan, you remember all the times we spent in the kitchen, especially on cold winter afternoons? We learned a thing or two from Cook. I think she taught us things on purpose without us realizing it since cooking in the kitchen is not considered a man's place._

"_Well, I damned sure can make coffee and cook meat and vegetables and make cornbread and hoe cakes if I have enough of the fixings. It seems like I am the one cooking for our small group. Can you believe it? Sometimes we don't have much in the way of rations, but when we come by decent food, we make the most of it._

"_We went by a farm the other day and one of their tobacco sheds had quite a bit of tobacco still hung up. It was good and dry so some of us that smoke took some. No, we didn't pay for it. No one was on the farm, no people, no animals except a couple of hens and a rooster. Someone before us caught the fowl, but I found four eggs which proved to still be edible. We would have liked to stay there overnight, but we had to move on. But at least I have plenty of tobacco for my pipe._

"_We will be moving on tomorrow. More marching. Actually, it's just walking. We don't march unless we are being reviewed by some officers, especially a general._

"_I hope you are both well and stay that way. I appreciate your letters. I will write again soon. I miss you both. Your dutiful son and your brother, Damon."_

_I could tell he had not received my latest letter when he wrote his, so at that time he didn't know about the stolen horse. It's a relief to know he's doing all right. I hope he continues to do so. I can't picture him slaving over a hot fire, chopping vegetables and greens and doing his best to turn out cornbread. He'd never do that if he wasn't in the army. He's right about Cook teaching us some things about cooking. I remember things she said even though I have never cooked anything. _

_I don't expect the war to still be going when I get to be seventeen or eighteen, but if it is, I think I will join up. Father says wars can go on for years, often because one side wants or claims the land of the other side. If President Lincoln intends to take the South back and unite it with the North, and the Confederacy has no intention of letting that happen, then I can see a long war. I wonder what effect that will have on us here in Mystic Falls._

A/N I hope you all liked this chapter. What do you think?


	18. Chapter 18

_Chapter 18_

A/N This chapter could also be called "Not My Son."Thanks again to all of you who have been following this story.

_ "He's My Brother"_

_January 23, 1862 I've been looking back at some of the things I have written. I think I write well for someone my age. What's interesting is that I don't talk the way I write. By that I mean that I use words when I am writing that I don't usually use when I talk. I am plenty talkative with Billy and Mr. Gilbert and a couple of other people, even Father sometimes, if he isn't being grumpy. _

_But the truth is I am a bit shy. I can be in a group of people, listening to them chatter away, and I have little to contribute. See, there's and example. If I was talking, I wouldn't say "contribute" most likely. I'm not known for being the chatty type or using big descriptive words. I surely can write them though._

_I'm one of those folks who can sit and read a book or spend time just thinking about this and that. I can get bored with what some people run on about and my mind will wander to something more interesting. Now, I don't do that with Billy or Ilana or Mr. Gilbert. They seem to talk about things that interest me. And besides, I get quite chatty with them myself. Ilana will listen to me while I prattle on as if what I'm saying is very important. When someone is hanging on your every word, it's easy to keep going._

_The people I am most comfortable with are the same ones I laugh with. I guess I am not quick to laugh. I don't even smile a lot, not like some folks. Damon is quick to smile and to laugh, but I know him well enough to know when his smile is really hiding scornful thoughts. He often laughs _at_ people, not _with_ them. One way Damon and I are different is that he can be very sarcastic, while I tend to keep quiet rather than say hurtful things to people. Oh well, each person is different. It wouldn't be good if we were all alike._

_January 24, 1862 This evening, some time after supper, Father told me something that shocked me. I've been thinking about how to write it. I won't get the exact words of the conversation quite right, but it will be close enough. _

_He called me to his study and I found him going over the ledger book. He asked me to enter some figures for him and I did. I knew he had been sipping the whiskey quite a bit that afternoon and then again since supper. His speech was a bit slurred and his breath was potent. His gout is back, so his foot hurts._

_I will write what was said as best I can remember._

"_This will all be yours someday," he told me, not for the first time. He swept his arm around indicating the house and all._

"_You don't think it should go to Damon?" I asked him, also not for the first time._

_He shook his head and pressed his lips together in distaste._

"_I know you and Damon argue a lot," I said to him. "But he's your first-born son and deserves to be your heir." Of course I also doubted that Damon wanted the farm, but I had to speak up for his rights. That's when Father said the thing that shocked me._

"_Damon isn't really my son. He's not of my blood." He looked right at me as he said that, so I knew it wasn't just rambling drunken talk. He shook his head slightly. _

_I couldn't believe what he had just said. I knew he was inebriated and might speak nonsense. "Of course he's your son! He's my brother!" I declared. Was Father disowning Damon? Had he given up on him?_

"_No, Stefan," he said, shaking is head again. "He is legally my son, but he's not from my loins. He's your half-brother. Your mother was with child when I married her."_

_I was stunned. Not only was Father saying Damon was not his natural son, but he was also saying my dear mother was with child out of wedlock! Or had she been married? I asked that as soon as I got my voice back._

_Father shook his head. He ran a hand through his dark hair and said, "Back then, your mother was in love with two young men, myself and another fellow. We both loved her and courted her. I wished whole heartedly that she would pick me, but in the end she picked him. I believe her Protestant family pressured her. A week before the wedding was to take place, the fellow was killed by crates falling from a freight wagon." There was some bitterness in his voice._

"_I had mixed feelings about that," he continued. "The young man was actually a friend of mine and I had told myself that he would make Elizabeth happy. On the other hand, with him dead, I saw that I once again had a chance to win her hand. I soon learned that she had given herself to my friend before their marriage. She had lain with him! She admitted it, saying she didn't want to deceive me. On top of that, she told me she was sure she was with child."_

_I found this hard to believe. I still do, but I clearly remember Father telling me all this. I will always remember. He had more to say._

"_I loved her dearly, Stefan. I insisted that if she married me I would give the child my name and love it as my own. I would take care of her and the child my friend had sired for the rest of my life. I meant it, Stefan. I did." He threw an arm over my shoulder and leaned close like I have seen him do with men friends he is confiding to. His breath reeked of liquor._

"_She agreed to marry me, although her parents weren't pleased. I belonged to the wrong church, as far as they were concerned. So, Elizabeth and I married in _her_ church, which _my_ family didn't like. And eventually she had Damon. So, he is your half-brother. He could have been a good boy, someone I could have been proud of. But no, he has been a major disappointment to me and I don't feel like leaving this farm to him, the headstrong bastard."_

_Needless to say, this drunken revelation shook me. In a way it explained some of the conflict between Father and Damon. Damon is indeed headstrong. I think Father is too, in his own way._

"_Does Damon know all that?" I had to ask._

"_Oh, yes. I told him about three or four years ago," Father admitted with a snorting sound. "Surprised the hell out of him with that! Oh, yes."_

_So, Damon never knew until then. It must have been a shock to him. Poor Damon. But maybe he was even relieved, since he and Father don't get along. He has known for three or four years that he isn't Father's real son and he kept that to himself. He didn't share that with me. I think it didn't change how he feels about me. Although we sometimes argue about things, Damon and I love each other as brothers. And we really are brothers. We are both sons of Elizabeth Remington Salvatore._

_Despite my belief in that, I have been thinking constantly about what Father said. It has disturbed me in some way. Changed things. I don't know what I am feeling. I even feel a small disappointment in my mother. My perfect mother lay with a man before her wedding night! She should have waited, but if she had, I would not now have my brother. Damon wouldn't exist. If she had married the other man, _I_ would not exist. But she did, he does and I do. Dwellling on this is a waste of time. It's a waste of paper in this journal, too, but some mention of it was important._

_I would like to talk to someone about this, but I can't. It is a private family matter. I don't feel I should even talk to Billy, with whom I share most secrets. If Damon was home, I know I could talk to him and get his thoughts and feelings on this. Instead, I have to keep it to myself._

_January 25, 1862 I lay awake for some time last night thinking about the revelation. Then I fell asleep. A while ago, I guess near morning, I had a dream. In the dream Damon was still at home and he was arguing with Father over something he had done, something that angered Father. Father picked up a long bull whip and lashed it at Damon. It wrapped around him, biting into the front of his chest. Blood seeped out through his shirt as Damon swore at Father._

_Damon tried to grab the whip to pull it from Father's hands, but the whip fell free and Father yanked it back. He lashed it out at Damon again and this time it wrapped around his hips, the end snapping against the front of his trousers. Damon screamed and grabbed at it again. He missed as he bent over in pain and then he turned and ran. Father ran after him, cracking the whip in the air, letting its tip flick against the back of Damon's shirt and drawing blood. He yelled "Not my son. Not my son." He laughed and called him a bastard and a fornicator. That is when I woke up breathing hard._

_Even though I know Father has used a riding crop on Damon's back and drew blood, I don't think he ever struck him with a bull whip or any other harsh whip. I don't understand the dream other than it showed Father's anger and contempt for Damon and his disgust with Damon's habit of lying with various women. Would Father be that brutal with Damon if he was his natural son? Maybe, because Damon has a tendency to be stubborn and rebellious. In any case, the dream was upsetting and I couldn't go back to sleep, so here I am writing at my desk when I could be sleeping late this Saturday morning._

_I'd like to talk to Damon about the situation. I don't think I should write to him about it. It doesn't seem like the thing to write to a soldier in a war. He has enough to worry about. But when the war is over and he comes home, we can talk about it._

_It's later. Back again. When I went downstairs to breakfast Father was there. He looked like he had a hangover. Nothing new about that. He looked at me as he drank his coffee and I wondered if he remembered what he had told me. It turned out he sort of did._

"_Did we talk about Damon last evening?" he asked me._

"_Yes, sir," I said. I tried to keep my tone neutral. Father can be easily annoyed when he has a bad headache or his foot is swollen._

"_I thought so, but I wasn't sure. Could have imagined it. Well, it was time you knew the truth about him."_

_I should have let the subject drop, but I was curious._

"_You told me the man who died was a friend of yours. Damon's real father?"_

"_Yes. He was, even though we were both vying for your mother's hand. He had an advantage I didn't. He was Irish, but he was a Protestant. The Remingtons are English snobs, but they were willing to settle for an Irish Protestant over an Italian Catholic. And you know what?"_

"_What?"_

"_Damon looks like Connor Patton. As he grew up, I saw more and more of Connor in him. His jaw and those blue eyes. Your mother saw it, too, and I know she loved it. Put that with Damon's stubbornness and he sometimes makes me very angry. You know how he can be."_

"_He's my brother. That's all I care," I said._

"_You'd defend him no matter what, wouldn't you," Father said, frowning at me._

"_He's my brother," I said again. I know Damon has done things I don't agree with, but I wasn't going to give Father pleasure by saying so._

"_Halfway brother. And that's good enough, isn't it?. You're a good boy, Stefan. Loyal. Honest. Obedient. A good son."_

_I think that's what he said. Something like that. What he meant was that I don't argue with him like Damon did. I don't do things that angered him. I follow his rules or try to. On the one hand I appreciate the fact that he actually praised me. On the other hand, I also feel like I am a bit of a coward for not being bold like my brother. I guess I am just not a bold, daring fellow by nature. It seems that everyone I know says I am "nice." I'm that "nice boy Stefan." Is there really anything wrong with that?_

_I thought about asking Father about Peter, who is also his son. A son of his blood like me. Then I thought I better not mention Peter. Father seems to pretend the boy doesn't even exist. Will he ever stop blaming the child for our mother's death? Peter was an innocent baby who didn't ask to be born. It seems to me he has thrown away a chance to be a father to a perfectly good boy who is my full brother. Maybe some day Father will come to his senses about that and get to know Peter. I certainly wish I could get to know him._

A/N I have not read in the books where Damon finds out he is not Giuseppe's son, so what I have written is my version. I want Damon and Stefan to be brothers in their blood. I hope you all liked this chapter. I would appreciate any feedback.


	19. Chapter 19

_Chapter 19_

_A/N Wow, a new year! Happy New Year, Everyone! It's January 1__st__ today, and Stefan has been writing in his journal in January, but one hundred and fifty one years ago. How things have changed since his childhood. And yet, some things never change._

"_Old Dog, A Letter, Mama"_

_January 30, 1862 When Billy and I got to his house after school today, we found Amy and Mrs. Gilbert in tears. In fact, Mr. Gilbert looked liked he had been crying, too. That scared Billy and worried me. We found out that their old dog Ruffles had died about an hour earlier. The fox hound was fifteen years old. I'd known him all my life. I never knew him as a puppy, so he was probably around three years old in my earliest memories of him. Such a friendly dog. He wasn't very active this last year or so._

_Ruffles' body was lying on blanket on the back porch of their house. Seeing it brought Billy to sobbing as he knelt by his old friend and patted the black, brown and white hair. Good old Ruffles._

_I vaguely remember Damon crying when his dog died. I was really young but I remember the dog fairly well. I remember playing with it and having it lick my face. I know it jumped up with its paws on my chest and knocked me down a few times. I know it was a fox hound like Ruffles. There are a lot of them in this part of Virginia because of the fox hunting clubs. And other kinds of hounds, too. I love the sound of a hound when it's on the trail of something. They don't bark like many dogs. It's a baying sound. Of course, people around here have other kinds of dogs, too. The Haywoods have an odd little dog that has a yippy bark. They say it comes from Mexico. I didn't know adult dogs came that small._

_I don't recall why Damon's dog died, because I don't think it was very old. I just remember Father yelling at Damon to forget the dog. And because Damon was crying, I remember crying too. In fact, I seem to recall Mama with tears in her eyes over the dog's death. It seems like its name was Harvey or Harry, or something like that._

_Anyway, Ruffles will be buried in the Gilbert backyard as soon as a hole can be dug in the frozen ground. I think Mr. Gilbert will make a fire over the spot to thaw the dirt. _

_When I got home I told Father about Ruffles and I asked him if he remembered the dog we had had when I was about three or four years old. He nodded and frowned. He told me the dog's name had been Haverty and it was the runt of a litter that belonged to a breeder of fox hounds. The pup had been given to him and he gave it to Damon. I asked what had happened that it died. He said it got mauled by a bear and he had shot it. I mean he shot the dog._

"_Damon wanted to nurse it back to health, but it was raked rather badly," Father told me. "I shot it to end its suffering. Damon has always thought I did it to punish him for something he did. I admit I was angry at him that morning, but that isn't why I shot the dog."_

_I must admit that I didn't know any of this, only that the dog died and Damon cried. It occurs to me that the dog might have been nursed back to health, but Father probably didn't have the patience to do that. I hate to think it, but he probably didn't want to give Damon the chance to try._

_January 31, 1862 Well, I've been thinking about writing to Peter, about sending the letter to the same address I did when I wrote to Damon when he was in Richmond. Today I finally got up the courage to write a letter to the boy. I introduced myself as Damon's younger brother and told him my age. I know he met Damon when Damon lived in Richmond after he was dismissed from college in Williamsburg. I told him a little about myself and that I hoped to meet him some day._

_I know a bunch of the Remington children were sent to Philadelphia, but I think my letter will be forwarded to Peter if he is up there now. Maybe he will write back. I believe he will be nine years old this year, since he was born in the summer of 1853. I don't know what Father would say or do if he found me writing to the boy, so I took the letter to town and mailed it myself. I hope there is no problem with mail going to the North from Virginia. _

_If Peter writes back to me, I have asked him to use the Gilbert address I included so Father won't see it. I don't like to deceive Father, but I think it is best in this case. I will tell the Gilberts what I have done._

_February 3, 1862 I came home from school today and found Father in a really good mood. He was smiling from ear to ear._

"_Stefan!" he bellowed. "Our money worries are over!"_

"_They are?" I asked, wondering._

"_One of my investments has paid off! And Jonathan said it wouldn't. Shows you what he knows," Father said with a snort._

_He went on to explain what he was talking about. I won't go into it here, but apparently we now have quite a bit of money. It's up North, but it's still ours. Father doesn't yet trust the Confederate money, so he's leaving it in a northern bank. He has access to it he says, but he doesn't intent to use it much. I just hope he doesn't decide to re-invest it in something not good and lose it all. In any case, I'm glad to see him happy about something._

_February 8, 1862 It is cold today and snowing heavily. It's a dry snow and its blowing around. The wind will cause drifts. I'm glad it isn't a school day. My room is cold, but I have on a heavy sweater and except for my hands, I'm comfortable. I'm writing with my lamp lit because the room is fairly dark, even though it is late morning._

_I went across the hall and into Damon's room earlier. I do that once in a while just to feel closer to him. As I do in Mama's room sometimes, I open the wardrobe and look at the clothes and smell them. Unlike Mama's clothes, Damon's smell is strong on many of his jackets and sweaters. Not on his shirts because they have been washed._

_I have borrowed a book or two from his room. He tends to read books dealing with mysteries and murder and also adventures. He even has a couple of Shakespeare's plays. I have read most of the books on his shelf. I am more of a reader than he is and I have more books. Of course, I have read some of Father's books, too, especially if he suggests that I do._

_Today I also rummaged through the drawers of Damon's dresser. I've never really done that except for the top drawer because I'm not interested in his underclothets and socks. However, since I have a little book that Billy loaned me secreted away in my bottom drawer, it occurred to me that maybe Damon did too._

_So, when I knew that Sophie and Sooner were downstairs, I went into Damon's room and carefully went through his dresser drawers. Sure enough, I found a couple of those cheap little books not much different from the one Billy has come by. Very sexy little stories printed on cheap paper, from the looks of them. I also found a book printed ten years ago that looks as if it has a lot more information than the little booklet that Mr. Gilbert has written about the wedding night. I'm going to start reading that in a few minutes and when I'm done, I'll put it back._

_But I also found something else. There was a small package of items made of thin rubber. It didn't take much imagination on my part to figure out what they were used for. So, Damon was careful not to catch a disease and not to get a woman with child. Or at least he was when he was here in Mystic Falls. I wonder if he is still careful now that he is traveling around with the army. I hope so._

_Same day, later. That book Damon was hiding is a bit shocking. There are a lot more ways for a man and a woman to do sexy things together than Mr. Gilbert mentioned. I can see why he wouldn't talk about such things to boys like me and Billy. I wonder how many of those things Damon has tried. Quite a few, I'll bet._

_February 11, 1862 I got a letter from Peter! I stopped at Billy's house on the way home from school as I often do and his father told me there was a letter for me from Philadelphia. I was so excited I asked if he and Billy minded if I opened it and read it right then. They laughed at my eagerness. I had forgotten that eight-year-olds neither write nor spell very well. I remember now that I didn't. I will write what Peter wrote here in the journal._

"_Deer Stefan,_

_ I am so happy that you hav rote to me. You are my broter lik Damon is to._

_I wish we cud meet but I am heer in a big sity and not in richmond. It is a yankee sity. I miss richmond and my frens. Can you com and visit me. Do you liv a long way from heer. If you com you can sleep in my bed and I can sleep on the flor. Are you big lik Damon. Damon is funy and he tees me. You can tees me to. I hop you rit to me agin. Yor litil broter Peter Salvatore. _

_I had tears in my eyes, but I was also laughing. I read the letter again, but out loud to the Gilberts._

_ "He didn't mention your father," Billy said._

_ "No. I didn't mention my father when I wrote to him," I admitted._

_ "You will meet that boy some day, Stefan," Mrs. Gilbert said and she seemed sure. She gave me a quick hug. She likes to hug._

_ When I came home, I didn't tell Father about the letter. I have it in the envelope, which an adult had addressed and which has the return address on it. I will keep it with this page of the journal._

_ February 15, 1862 We finally had the skating party that I had hoped to do some time ago. It was a cold day and the ice on our pond is good and thick. The weather has been really cold all week. A bunch of boys and girls came to the house. Some walked, but most came on horseback or their parents brought them in a buggy. _

_ Father was in a good mood and welcomed the grown-ups inside for drinks and food. Cook prepared a good amount of food and hot cider and even hot chocolate. The young folks had their skates and we all trooped to the pond and had fun. Father had Joshua build a small fire so we could warm our hands if they got cold._

_ I was happy that Ilana came to skate. Her parents brought her and they stayed in the house with Father and other parents. Barbara Ann came and so did Peggy. In fact, her brother Robert did too, which surprised me. However, he is friends with a couple of the other boys who came. It was easy to see that several of the boys and girls are paired up, so to speak. It turned into a really big skating party and I had fun._

_ Later, when everyone had left, Father was still in a good mood. When Mama was still alive we used to have people come to the house for dinners and grown-up parties, but not since then, except for Thanksgiving dinner sometimes. I remember Mama playing the piano and everyone singing. Or Mama would choose some song that folks could _

_dance to. Old Mr. Wiggins used to bring a fiddle sometimes. He's ancient now._

_The parlor has quite a bit of floor space for dancing if the sofas and chairs are moved back and the rugs are rolled up. Mama always looked happy and so pretty when she danced with Father. I was really young back then, but I remember. Also, I remember Damon dancing with a girl the last time we had such a party. To this day I don't know who she was. She must have been kin to one of the adults._

_I miss Mama and her quickness to laugh at my childish jokes. I miss the way she would put her arms around me and Damon and hug us until we could hardly breathe. She sometimes tickled us a little, but not so much as to make us cry. She knew every spot that was ticklish on both Damon and me, which is why I know where his spots are._

_She would read stories to us and she would change her voice for the different people in the books. Of course, back at that time, Damon could read perfectly well himself, but he loved to listen to Mama do it. He loved her as much as I did and she most certainly loved him. One of my favorite memories soon before she gave birth to Peter was of her with her arms around Damon, holding him as close as she could, considering her big belly, and she kissed his hair and his cheek several times. He had turned thirteen that summer and was shorter than her by only an inch or so at that time. They hugged each other and swore they loved each other dearly. _

_I remember Damon sometimes blushed when Mama did the hugging and kissing thing. His cheeks would turn really pink. Looking back, I suppose at that age he was embarrassed to have Mama treat him like a little boy. I would give anything to have her here today hugging and kissing me._

_Damon was special to her, I think. I now know that he reminded her of that other man she had loved, the man she was going to marry. It finally occurred to me that he was the reason that Damon's middle name is Connor. I have never heard Father mention that name until he told me about Damon's true father._

_I knew Damon's middle initial was a C, but I didn't recall what it stood for. My middle name is Paolo, which is Paul. Father's father, my Grandfather Salvatore, was named Paolo. I know one of Uncle Ed's sons is also named that, but he goes by the name Paul, my Cousin Paul who I have never met. Father's name in English is Joseph and one fellow hereabouts actually calls him Joe. Father never introduces himself to anyone as Joseph or Joe._

_I seem to have gotten off the subject of Mama and how she loved to hug and kiss. She hugged and kissed me a lot too, of course, in that time before she had Peter. I was_

_only five and a half and I didn't know that her health was getting worse as she neared her time. Damon must have known or suspected. And certainly Father did. It must be terrible to know your wife could die during or after the birth of a child._

_Anyway, now we hardly ever have folks over to our house for a meal and music. The Gilberts come on Thanksgivings usually as a tradition, I guess. Those are also my birthdays. Some people insist Thanksgiving ought to be on the last Thursday of November, but not everyone agrees. Once in a while, that's also when my birthday falls._

_ You'd think the days would be the same year after year, but they aren't. I remember Damon trying to explain to me why the first of the month might be on a Monday one month, but on a different day the next month. I was young and I didn't understand. Now I know it's because the months have a different number of days, and where one month leaves off, the next has to start. Then again, the leap year comes along and changes things again._

_ I'm glad I wasn't born on a leap day. Roland Gilbert was. He celebrates his birthday February 28 most years, except when the 29__th__ day actually comes along. He was born on a day that doesn't exist most of the time. That's pretty strange, if you ask me._

_A/N I hope you all are not bored by Stefan's rambling about this and that. I have to come up with different things for him to think about and write about. No one complained about my version of the half-brother relationship of Damon and Stefan, so I guess you all found it acceptable. Comments?_


	20. Chapter 20

_Chapter 20_

A/N Warning: this chapter mentions incest and the unfortunate result of it. There is some sexual play, but I tried to handle it somewhat delicately, or as Stefan managed to tell it. Feel free to skip several paragraphs in the middle of this chapter.

"_A Wrongful Touching"_

_February 16, 1862 Snow was falling this morning at a good clip, but then it stopped and the clouds moved away. The day became sunny and bright. I love the look of fresh snow, the way it glistens and sparkles, the way the hollows and shadows look blue instead of white. I like the sound of it as I walk on it. Everything looks so clean. The air feels crisp and clean with just the smell of wood smoke in the air._

_I asked Father if I could take the sleigh and go over to Ilana's house and see if she wanted to go for a ride. He gave me permission, but reminded me that the snow might start to melt and I was not to ruin the runners of the sleigh. I promised to keep an eye on the weather._

_As it turned out, the morning stayed nice and cold right on toward midday and the snow didn't melt much. I had Silas harness the usual horse, the one Ilana had ridden, to the sleigh. He even attached the strap that had harness bells. I love the sound of them as the horse trots along. I went over to Ilana's house and her parents let her go with me. They probably reckoned that we would behave ourselves in such cold weather and we wouldn't be gone long. Mrs. Fishman said she would have lunch ready when we got back._

_Ilana sat close to me as I drove and we had the heavy blanket across our laps. We commented on how smooth and quiet the sleigh was compared to a buggy on a rutted dirt road. When I had the horse going along nicely and didn't have to drive him, I put one of my arms around her shoulders and pressed her close to my side. She smiled up at me and I planted a quick kiss on her lips. She smiled again and leaned closer, her face coming close to mine. It looked like an invitation for another kiss, so I gave her another. A longer one and she kissed me back. I even felt the tip of her tongue touching my lips. I was bold enough to let my tongue touch hers. It was exciting, but what harm could it do? Little did I know!_

_Her closest hand came to rest on my thigh under the blanket as she sort of braced herself as she leaned toward me. I was certainly aware of that hand. I have to say here that she surprised me then. Her hand moved up my thigh, closer to my crotch. By then I was stiffening up down there. Would she find it? Yes, she did! Her hand moved over my trousers, barely touching me, but still, she was feeling it. I was getting too excited and broke the kiss and the hug we were still having. I was afraid I was going to … I sort of panicked and reached down and removed her hand. Instead, I clutched it in my own._

_Despite the cold air, I felt hot. I knew my face was red. In fact, hers was too. She suddenly sat up straight and apologized for her behavior. She admitted that she just wanted to feel it. She withdrew her hand from mine. I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind and none of them were proper. I was torn between desire to do some things and fear that I might really try. I told myself to stay in control of myself and I hoped Ilana would behave, too._

_We were at the edge of town and there were no people in sight, but that didn't mean there were no people looking out their windows. I let the horse take us out of town, and I steered it onto a side road and up a rise. I reined to a stop at the side of the road facing west. Before us was a really nice view of snow-covered fields. We had an open view of the hills and mountains ahead of us. The closest are part of the Blue Ridge, while beyond are the main chain of the Appalachians._

_I asked Ilana if she had ever been to the mountains and she said yes, she had. Her family had gone over the state line to Kentucky one summer, where a good friend of her father's lived. She said there were a lot of poor people living in the mountain valleys, coves and hollows, but her father's friend lived in a town and they had a nice home._

_Ilana then said and did something to me which shocked and confused me. I would write what she said, our conversation, but I was too shocked to remember how some of it went. She looked at me with a sort of worried and sad expression and asked if I would let her touch me down in my trousers. I was stunned that she wanted to do that. Sweet, innocent Ilana! Of course, she had already touched me a little, but I half thought it had been by accident, even though she had admitted that she just wanted to touch it._

_What could I say? I should have said no, but how could I pass up an opportunity to have my favorite girl touch me? No girl had ever done that, although I'm sure Peggy would have if I had given her the chance. I think I stuttered when I said it was all right for Ilana to do it. I didn't ask why she wanted to. I guess I thought she was curious about the male part._

_My heart was pounding and I thought I would die as her hand went from her lap to mine under the blanket and her fingers felt around. I can tell you she didn't have to do much searching since my member jumped right up looking for attention. That her nimble fingers undid my buttons further shocked me and I'm sure I gasped when her cold hand snuck inside. She had taken off her mitten._

"_Cold hand!" I gasped. I think my member sort of changed its mind and tried to retreat._

"_You can put your cold hand inside my coat and feel my breast," she whispered._

_Surprised as I was, she didn't have to ask me twice. My hands were shaking when I slipped off one glove and reached over, undid a button on her coat and slid my hand inside. She was wearing a scarf and a shirt, both of them down over her chest for warmth. I did some fumbling around until I was in contact with warm, soft skin over a plumb breast. Although my member had sort of shrunk away from her cold touch, it recovered quickly as she moved her hand on it and I moved mine on her breast, feeling her nipple. At the same time my lips found Ilana's._

_When I came up for air, I managed to whisper to her, asking why had she decided to do this. Not that I minded, of course. In no manner did I mind. It was just so uncharacteristic of her. She surprised me by saying it reminded her of her brother whom she missed terribly. _

"_This reminds you of _him_?" I asked as her fingers played with me most pleasurably. "Why?" I couldn't figure out why she would think that. I still had my hand on her breast, feeling it and gently squeezing it. Her little moans and gasps convinced me that she like it. I was doing something right._

_What she told me added another shock to what I had already experienced. It seems that her brother had been fooling around with his younger sister! I know that sexual stuff between siblings or between a parent and a son or daughter is called incest and it's a sin. I know it happens, but I never thought it had happened to Ilana._

_While her warmed-up hand did its thing in my pants and my warmed-up hand did a lot of feeling on her breast and the nubbin that was her nipple, she managed to tell me that Daniel had taught her to handle his member as she was doing to mine. I asked her rather bluntly if she was still a virgin or had he taken that from her. She said he had used a finger to give her pleasure down there, but she thought she was still a virgin. The problem was that she had become quite used to their secret play and she liked it and she missed it as she missed him._

_I had really disliked Daniel before and then I had felt sorry for him when he was suffering. Now I felt like he had deserved to suffer. I really hated him for doing what he had done to his sister, my friend. I didn't ask Ilana if her parents had found out. Maybe they did know and they had forced him into the army as soon as they could. Maybe it was also why they worried about what I might do. Or what _she_ might do!_

_And there I was, doing something and allowing Ilana to do something. Ilana had an experienced hand. Oh yes! In no time I reached the point of no return and I'm sure what happened was stronger than when I do it to myself. I'm sure I made some sound, but I don't remember. For a long moment there I felt wonderful. It was great. Then I came back down to earth and remembered that I was sitting on a rise at the side of the road out in the open in a cold breeze with my girl and we each had a hand where it wasn't supposed to be. Luckily, no one had come by._

_I withdrew my hand rather hastily and reached for my handkerchief, which I handed to Ilana. She withdrew her hand from my trousers and from under the blanket and took the piece of linen. She had some of my stuff on her hand and she wiped it off. I almost gagged at the sight. For a crazy moment I wondered if having that on her hand would cause her to have a baby. Then I remembered that that was not the way it happened. Of course not. Still, I felt overwhelmed. What had I done? What had I allowed her to do? Our relationship had changed completely and I felt shame and guilt. And excitement. And more shame and guilt._

_I reached under the blanket and buttoned my trousers. I suddenly remembered one time, ages ago, when Damon had returned from taking a girl for a ride in the phaeton and I had told him his trousers were unbuttoned. I had believed him when he said he had stopped to piss. Uh huh. Sure._

_Ilana handed the handkerchief back to me. What was I supposed to do with it? I considered throwing it away in the snow, but I remembered that long ago Mama had embroidered my initials on a dozen handkerchiefs. If someone found it, they would know it was mine. I sort of folded it carefully and stuffed it in my pocket. I looked at Ilana and saw that she had tears in her eyes. I didn't know what to say to her, what to think._

_Then she told me that we had to stop seeing each other. We couldn't go off and be along like this any more, now that she knew she couldn't resist her urges. I was relieved to hear her say that, but at the same time I was disappointed. In other words, I was confused and didn't know what I wanted. However, I did feel that what we had done could lead to doing more and I thought I truly wasn't ready for it. I was sure that I wanted to wait. I was also sure that I did not want to spoil my good friend's virginity. So, I told Ilana that I would not ask her to be alone with me again. I asked if we could still be friends and she said she wanted that if I could still bear to look at her. I assured her that we were still good friends. I took her home._

_Normally I would have stayed for lunch, but not this day. Ilana didn't even mention it. I could understand that, all right. I think I would have said no thank you._

_Driving away from her house, I felt anger at her brother who had made her so in need of touching me. As I wrote before, I could see Peggy doing that. Or even Barbara Ann because when she wants to do something, she does it. But Ilana has always been rather proper, which has led me to believe I was safe from being tempted to give in to urges. Now, I wonder just what she would let me do if I wanted. Daniel had apparently gone only so far in touching his sister, but it had been enough to leave her as she is now. Wanting. Damn him to Hell!_

_I had to tell someone, talk to someone, so I drove to the Gilbert house. On the way I checked to see that my trousers were not obviously soiled. They were not on the outside. I was lucky and found Billy home. I tied the horse in front of their house and Billy took me up to his room where we could talk in private if we kept our voices down. _

_I felt I could not tell him Ilana's secret, even though I wanted to. However, I needed to tell him something. I decided to limit it to the kissing, my touching her breast and a more innocent touching of me through my trousers. We had quite a chat, whispering and finally snickering about girls, kissing and touching and perhaps doing other things with them. This joking around took some of the strain I was feeling away. I am so glad I have Billy for a close friend. A fellow needs to be able to share certain thoughts with a pal._

_Mrs. Gilbert was making lunch and she invited me to stay, so I did. Amy was there, but Roland was out. Mr. Gilbert was not there either. When I went home after the meal, I found that Mr. Gilbert was at my house and had had lunch with my father. I think he and my father are as good friends as Billy and I are._

_So, here I am putting my thoughts down on paper. I sometimes wonder if this is wise. I really don't know if anyone sneaks a peek at what I have written. I don't worry about Sophie, but I wonder about Father. I think he would have questioned me about some of the things I have written if he had read them. _

_I also don't know if Damon ever read anything I have written. He could have come into my room and found the journals. He knew I was writing them because I told him way back when Mr. Gilbert gave me my first one. I think he was like Father and didn't think I would write anything important. I also think he might have forgotten about my writing or he might think I gave it up ages ago._

_The afternoon light is fading. I don't like the short days of winter. I better light the lamp. Well, I just realized I have run out of lucifers. I'll have to go downstairs and get another box from the kitchen. It must have been hard in the olden days when lighting a flame was not easy. I guess they tried to keep a fire going or the embers hot. Or maybe they kept a candle lit to light others. Of course, I suppose folks kept a flint and steel handy to start fires. I think I like modern advances better._

_February 17, 1862 I am writing a bit before breakfast. I must admit that last night and this morning I am still hashing over in my mind what Ilana and I did yesterday. I really feel I did something wrong and yet it was so exciting to do. My first time to touch a girl's breast and certainly the first time a girl touched my private parts. It's not only exciting, but it's also stimulating to think about it. I just wish I didn't feel guilty about it. And I'm a little nervous about facing Ilana at school today._

A/N Okay, I hope you all found this an interesting experience for Stefan. I must point out that although Ilana's brother did her no physical harm, he left her with a serious emotional problem. The next chapter will mention some follow-up to this pertaining to Stefan.


	21. Chapter 21

_Chapter 21_

_A/N Okay. I got one positive review on the last chapter. So I don't know if more of you liked it or you thought it was disgusting. Anyway, I don't plan to have any more of that stuff between Stefan and Ilana._

"_Mr. Fishman" _

_Back again. At school today I know I was blushing when Ilana came up to speak to me. She was blushing too. She told me that her father wanted to talk with me and asked me to stop by the bank after school. I asked her if she had told him what had happened. She said no. I asked if he was angry with me and she said no. _

_I worried about this all day, but after school I told Billy I had something to do in town and not to wait for me to walk home. Feeling really nervous, I went over to the bank. I think a bank smells like money. I don't know how that is possible, but it does. I went to the lady behind the grill and told her I was there to see Mr. Fishman. She nodded and I was shown into his office. She closed the door on her way out and I felt sort of trapped._

_Mr. Fishman got up from his chair and came around his big desk to face me. His expression looked serious and I wondered just how badly he was going to punish me with sharp words. Was he going to go to my father and tell him what had happened? Was he going to hit me? He told me to sit down. As with Ilana yesterday, I was shaking with nervousness as I sat in one of the two chairs in front of his desk. _

_He sat back down in his own chair which was leather and squeaked. It seemed like forever that he just stared at me. He looked down at his hands. I wondered if he was nervous about what he had to say. I don't know what to do or say when an adult seems nervous to speak to me. _

_He started to talk to me in a calm voice. It turned out that Ilana had told her mother what she and I had done and her mother had then told her father. To my surprise, Mr. Fishman was not angry with me. He looked sad. He told me that he knew what his son had done with his daughter. He said that Ilana now had a serious problem, which she found hard to resist sometimes. Ilana had told me this, in a way, of course. _

_He also told me that he didn't want me to be alone with her because he didn't know if a boy my age could resist her advances. I silently had to agree with him on that. I liked what she did, even when I thought she shouldn't be doing it. I agreed aloud to not take her for rides or walks alone. _

_He said that I must try to resist when temptation rears its ugly head (he really said that.) I must try to be strong when the other person seems to be weak and unable to _

_resist. He thought I was not the kind of person to take unfair advantage. I really hoped I was not that kind of person. It wasn't how I saw myself. But I wondered just how strong I was when it came to resisting temptation._

_He said I could still come calling on her as long as we sat in the parlor. It was sort of sad, because I really liked being with her on drives or during riding asked if I had told anyone about Ilana. I admitted that I had told Billy that I had kissed her and felt her breast, but I hadn't told Billy the more important thing she did or what she had said about Daniel. I said I wouldn't tell anyone else any of that. I apologized to him for my own weakness yesterday. The best I could do was promise to behave myself with Ilana._

_When I left, I felt really relieved. That hadn't been so bad. I also felt kind of sorry for the Fishmans. And I felt guilty because I had taken advantage of Ilana's weakness. Still, it was not an experience I was likely ever to forget. _

_February 23, 1862 Today was another cold day, but after several days above freezing, most of the snow has disappeared. The ground gets mushy and muddy during the day and then it freezes at night._

_ This morning I decided to take a nice ride on Webster. The sun was shining and the horse needs the exercise. Sometimes I wish we could go riding in the nearest fox hunt. There are quite a few foxes out and about because it's mating season, I think. You'd think they would rather mate when the weather gets warmer. _

_Anyway, Father doesn't want to get involved in fox hunting because we would have to ride a fair distance just to get to the nearest one. I know the Lockwoods used to have the hunt club ride from their place now and then, and the hounds and riders would often gallop across our hay fields. I remember riding my fat pony from their place. I loved the way the hounds would look up to the huntsman and the way he blew his horn._

_The Lockwoods stopped hosting the hunt from their property after their daughter Lilly was thrown and died. That was after Mama passed away. I guess a lot changed for the Lockwoods when their daughter died. These days, it isn't often that we can hear the huntsman's horn, but sometimes a hunt from south of us will chase a fox our way. Or the wind will carry the sound. It makes me want to take my horse and join them._

_ I took Webster out across our stubbly hay field. He loves to gallop and I love it too. He's very obedient, though. If I was riding the big pony Lightning or even McKinley, I'd have a hard time controlling the speed. Damon loved to let his horses just thunder along full tilt and they would jump anything he aimed them at._

_ Back when our property was part of the hunt from the Lockwoods' place, there were several places on our fence lines that were made safe to jump. There is still one on the south end of our biggest hay field. I headed for that and Webster just sailed right over like a bird. There is some woods after that and we slowed a bit and followed a deer trail._

_ I was headed for the next field, but we didn't make it. In the woods there is still snow here and there and patches of ice. Webster stepped on one patch and skidded, losing his balance so much that I was thrown right off. I saw that I was going to hit a tree and I tried to prepare for it, but I still hit my head and shoulder. _

_ I must have hit pretty hard because I lay there against the tree trunk until I finally got my senses back. I realized the side of my face was on the ground because when I opened my eyes I as looking right at a weasel. Well, an ermine, actually, since the weasel was in his white winter coat. I was seeing two of him for a moment, but then my eyes focused and there was just one. We stared at each other for a long moment and then he turned and bounded away._

_ I slowly sat up and realized that I hadn't broken anything. I had a bump on my scalp and a sore shoulder. My horse was a short distance away nibbling at some dead grass. Bless his heart, he hadn't run off for home. I managed to stand up and I went to him and checked him over. He had a scraped knee, but otherwise seemed all right. I led him around and he was not limping, so I mounted up and headed for home. I didn't want to jump him over the coop at the fence, so I rode about a quarter of a mile along the fence until we came to a gate._

_ When he continued on without a limp, I put him into a canter and we crossed the hay field to the barn yard. In the barn, I told Silas what had happened and he said he would take care of Webster. I hoped to get the chance to clean up and change clothes before Father could notice, but he saw me and I had to explain. He felt the bump on my head and frowned. I had to show him that I could move my sore shoulder all right. Shaking his head, he told me to clean up and change my clothes._

_ This evening I am stiff and sore. I still have the lump on my head and my shoulder has a bruise. I know I am going to have a hard time getting up and going to school tomorrow morning. Oh well, at least I had a good gallop on Webster before we fell._

_ February 28, 1862 This afternoon I went over to the Gilberts after school. It wasn't for the usual time spent with my friend. It was Roland's birthday. He's eighteen today. Some of his friends were also there. The thing about Roland is that he was born on February 29. This is not a leap year, so there is no February 29. So Roland gets to have his birthday on the 28__th__. _

_ He will graduate from high school this spring and he plans to join the army. I know his family is worried about him going to war, but that's what he wants to do. When the war is over, he will go to college. I just hope nothing like what happened to Daniel happens to Roland._

_ March 8, 1862 I was finally able to give Ilana another riding lesson because I talked Barbara Ann into riding over to the Fishman house with me. I told Barbara Ann that I wanted her to come along because I was tempted to kiss Ilana and I wanted her to chaperone us and make me behave myself. I didn't tell her that the problem was the other way around._

_ Barbara Ann has been a good rider since she was small. We had ponies at the same time. Even though she is older now she still insists on riding astride with a split skirt her mother made for her. That is good because we only have one side saddle and that has to be for Ilana._

_ I was so hopeful that Ilana could go riding that I took the saddled horse with me and Barbara Ann as we went to the Fishman house. As I had hoped, her parents decided to let Ilana go for a ride as long as Barbara Ann was with us. Her confidence is really much better and so are her riding skills. I think I am a good teacher._

_ Do I think of being alone with Ilana again? I'm afraid so. Temptation frequently raises its ugly head._

_A/N I hope this is a better chapter. I am working on the next chapter, but it may be a while before I put out further chapters. I have to think of new ideas. Any suggestions?_

_._


	22. Chapter 22

_Chatpter 22_

A/N I'm pleased with all the people who are reading the Journal. I love to get reviews. Thank you so much, Hannah, for the wonderful comments. I really appreciate what you had to say.

"_The Body in the Cave"_

_ March 15, 1862 The weather was really nice today. Spring is right around the corner I think. Although you never know about March. I decided to go for a ride after lunch. I spent much of the morning reading a good book from Father's library, but I needed to get out and do something. Exercise. I went to the barn to tell Silas that I would take McKinley instead of Webster. I rode him last weekend for the first time when I let Barbara Ann ride Webster. That was a quiet ride because we had Ilana with us. Ilana isn't ready to go tearing across fields yet._

_ The horses usually spend the day out in the pasture, so Silas has to spend time brushing dirt or mud from them. They certainly do like to roll in the dirt. Anyway, Silas had McKinley brushed and saddled for me when I went back out to the barn in my riding clothes. As he did last weekend, he mentioned some of the horse's habits. It helps to know some things about a horse before you go riding on him._

_ McKinley is a Thoroughbred. He had started training as a race horse, but he wasn't fast enough. The owner sold him to Damon who had to work with him to calm him down a bit. He still wants to run full tilt, but he has manners. Still, when I rode him, I could feel the power in him. He is young and a recent gelding. A lot of horse._

_ I decided to ride on the trail that runs along Willow Creek. It's a favorite for riding or hiking. It's very nice all year except in the winter when everything is drab. The creek runs sort of high in the spring, especially if we have snowmelt or a rain storm. Today it was high. _

_It made me think of the time when I was not quite six years old and I was riding Lightning. He fell and I went down the creek bank. I caught onto a bush and held on for dear life just above the rushing water. I guess I might have eventually fallen into the water, but Damon and Silas came to rescue me. No, it wasn't Silas. It was that free man of color who was training the chestnut race horse Father bought. Caleb. That was the man's name. Caleb, who was lynched. I don't want to think about that._

_I rode McKinley for a few miles. There's a big hill south of us. It's part of the Caplin land. They don't keep their fences repaired so it's easy to ride on their property without jumping fences. I reined in at the top of the hill and sat looking around. The trees are not leafed out yet so the view is good. The mountains are to the west. I wish I could go there, up on the mountains. It looks like they go on forever._

_I remember one time hearing a man tell Father that the mountains called to him. I thought that was odd and I wondered if the mountains somehow talked to him. Now I understand what he meant. I think the mountains call to me._

_Looking the other way, to the east, I can see quite a way, but not to the ocean. That is something else I will go to see when I am grown. If I go to the college in Williamsburg like Damon did, I can go see the ocean like he did._

_ Riding back toward home I stopped at a rocky rise to check the cave I know is there. Damon showed it to me and Billy one day some years ago. All the children know where it is. Well, I guess the grown-ups do too. Sometimes a bear will spend the winter in there. I wondered if one was in there now._

_When I rode up close to the front of the cave, McKinley seemed calm. I figured that if there was a bear or other animal in there he would snort and fidgit, which he didn't. So I dismounted and tied him to a tree. I had to get down on my hands and knees to see into the cave. It was dark but my eyes adjusted a little. I thought I saw something blue. Bears are not blue so I crawled into the opening. Animals sometimes steal pieces of cloth or something and hide them away. Nothing moved inside so I moved further inside._

_I stopped short when I realized I was looking at a man lying on a blanket. There was a blue knapsack near him. He must be a wanderer, a tramp, who had taken shelter here, I reckoned. He had a short beard and I could smell his clothes a little. Not sweaty really, but unwashed. I didn't want to wake him because I thought he might get angry and then dangerous. Still I knelt there and stared at him. _

_He was lying on his back and it took me a minute to realize that he was not snoring. In fact, I couldn't see any sign that he was breathing under his heavy coat. It dawned on he suddenly that he was dead! There was a dead man lying in the cave! Had he starved to death? Had he been sick and died? He hadn't been dead lone because his body didn't smell dead or rotting. Do dead people smell like dead animals? I would think so, even though they don't at funerals._

_Anyway, I backed out of the cave real quickly and went to McKinley who was calmly chewing the bark off the tree. I headed for home at a gallop by way of the road and went right to the back door of the house. I went inside through the kitchen and to the main part of the house, yelling for Father. He came from the library all alarmed and asking what was wrong. I told him about the dead man._

_I wanted to go with him to the cave, but Father said absolutely not. He said he would ride over to get Mr. Gilbert and they would ride to the cave. He knew were it was. He told me to go wash my hands and change from my dirty pants. He went back into the library as if he were going to get something. A gun from his gun cabinet? _

_So I went upstair to my room and looked out the window. I was very disappointed to be stuck at the house as I watched Father head for the barn to get his horse. He was not carrying a musket or shotgun. Silas had come to take McKinley to the barn so all I could do was change my pants and wash my hands. What were Father and Mr. Gilbert going to do with the body? Shouldn't they go get the sheriff? Would there be a funeral?_

_Billy showed up at the house in a short while. He was excited and had a lot of questions for me. What did I see? What did the man look like? How did I know he was really dead? That seemed like a foolish question to me until he told me he saw his father take one of his carved wooden stakes from his collection. It suddenly occurred to me that Father had probably done the same thing. Did they expect to find a vampire in the cave? Wasn't that a ridiculous thing for them to assume? _

_Billy and I looked at each other. I think he felt like I did. I was suddenly scared and yet excited. Had I looked at a real vampire sleeping his day away? Was he dead during the day and came alive at night to go out looking for a meal of human blood? Billy and I sat whispering in my room, discussing this scary possibility. We honestly could not convince ourselves that real vampires existed, but what if?_

_Billy stayed at my house until my father came back and it was quite a while. Maybe they had taken the body to the sheriff in town or to the undertaker. I asked Father what happened and he said yes the man was dead and he and Mr. Gilbert had taken him to the undertaker. There had been identification in the man's pocket and his family would be notified if possible._

_Billy and I were a bit disappointed that there was no vampire. It was not until that evening that I went into the library to where Father had the stakes and crossbow on the shelf that I made a discovery. One of the stakes was damp. I picked it up and looked at it closely. I saw a tiny spot of blood in a slit in the wood. I hurriedly put it back on the shelf, afraid I'd drop it on the floor. My guess was that it had been used to kill a vampire and then Father had carefully washed the blood off. If I am right, I saw a real vampire! And Father and Mr. Gilbert know such creatures exist!_

_March 16, 1862 I had a nightmare last night that a vampire came into our house and tried to attack me. I woke up scared and shaking and it was a long time before I could go back to sleep. I was glad today was Sunday and I didn't have to get up early and go to school._

_When I finally did get up I needed to go out to the privy. If I just had to piss I would have used the chamber pot, but I'm too old to use it for the other thing. So I got dressed and headed downstairs and out back. It was raining a little so I hurried. When I got there I hesitated. I suddenly had a fear that a vampire was waiting inside for me. Could vampires come out in daylight if it was a dark, rainy day? _

_I stood there like an idiot and was afraid to open the door, even though it was already open a crack. I nudged it with the toe of my shoe and it opened with a creak. Someone needs to oil the hinges. I was ready to jump back and run, but the tiny room was empty. I actually thought "Thank you, God."_

_I really needed to do my business in there so I stepped in and closed the door, latching it with the hook. Our privy is like a lot of others as far as I know. It has two holes, one for a child and one for an adult. When I was little and first learning to use the privy instead of a pot, I was afraid I would fall in. And Mama used to say she was afraid of spiders under the seat. Needless to say, no one likes the smell, but that's life._

_I have noticed that I think of the oddest things when I am sitting there, especially if there is no newpaper or order catalog to read. I found myself thinking that a privy would not smell so bad if it had running water under it like the Romans had a long time ago. Of course if our little spring-fed stream ran under the privy the water would be ruined for anything else. _

_We have a spring house over the stream that keeps our milk and cream from going sour fast. And the cold water stops eggs from developing into chicks. Cook hates to get an egg that is spoiled or has a dead chick inside. She is really careful about collecting eggs every day so they are fresh. Of course she spares those that she wants to hatch. Baby chicks are so cute._

_I also remember reading a book about some castles that have indoor privy chambers. I'm not sure that is the right name. Anyway, the room was built so it was on the outside wall of the castle. Not outside, but against that wall. An enclosed chute went down from the privy seat to a pit down in the ground at the side of the castle wall. I don't know who had the job of cleaning out the pit once in a while, but I bet it was convenient for the king and queen of the castle not to have to go outside like we have to do. I wonder how they controlled the smell, though._

_Damon once said that in Richmond some houses had cesspools. I didn't know what those were and he said they were big covered holes where body wastes could go if water was used to wash them down a drain pipe. By body wastes I know he meant piss and poop. He said it doesn't work unless there is water to dump down the drain under the seat. I can see a person might not want to waste a lot of water doing that._

_About a week ago Trent Lockwood told me his parents were thinking about digging a cesspool. I guess they can afford all that and they have a good stream of water on their property. I guess also that the cesspool doesn't spoil their drinking water. They have plenty of servants to bring buckets of water into the privy or room to wash the waste down the pipe. I'll have to see it to see how well it works._

_I gave up thinking in the privy when I realized my bottom was getting numb from the cold. I still had a bit of an ache in my belly. Gas I guess. It'll pass. Ha ha._

_March 17, 1862 I woke up with a sore belly. In fact, I didn't sleep really well. I went to school. On the way I told Billy I didn't feel right. By the time I went home I was beginning to get worried something was wrong with my bowels. I didn't want to take castor oil because I hate the taste and it gives me cramps. Sophie gave me a small dose._

_I'm writing this in the evening. I really am worried. I had just soup for supper and I threw it up. I have the "trots." I asked Sophie if I could use the commode Mama used to use and she had Joshua bring it to my room. I feel better about using it. It makes it easier for me._

_Father came to see me a few minutes ago and he asked how I felt. I told him I didn't feel at all good and had an ache in my belly. He looked a little worried. He said if I felt bad in the morning he would send for Dr. Bailey or Lindsey. Why did this have to happen to me?_

A/N Yes, something is seriously wrong with Stefan. I'll deal with it in the next chapter. I hope you all liked this chapter.


	23. Chapter 23

_Chapter 23_

A/N Stefan is facing surgery. Surgery in those days was dangerous. Although there were a couple of anesthetic agents, most doctors didn't trust them, so they didn't use them. That was especially bad for the soldiers injured in the Civil War. I hope you like this chapter.

_ "A Serious Illness"_

_March 19, 1862 I feel awful this morning. I have had belly aches before, but not like this. I got some sleep last night only after Sophie gave me a couple of spoonfuls of something. I tried to eat breakfast, but whatever I swallowed soon came up. I'm so nauseated. I don't think I ate something that disagreed with me in the last few days, so it must be some sickness. I hope it isn't something deadly. _

_I know we lost that race horse that Caleb was training for Father because he had terrible colic in his belly. Father had to shoot him to end his suffering. I know Father wouldn't shoot me. In other words, he couldn't end my suffering. _

_Needless to say, Father said I didn't have to go to school today. I couldn't anyway. I'm going to lie down for a while. This is scary._

_Now, it's a little later. I hurt too much to rest. I can't lie flat on my back because it pulls on my belly muscles, which are tight as a tick. I'm beginning to get really worried. Father came up to see me after Sophie told him I seemed worse. She said I had a fever and Father put his hand on my forehead. He said he would send Joshua for or Lindsey. I know I have a fever. I know there's something wrong inside of me. I've got to put this journal under my mattress and lie down again. I'm really getting frightened. People die of illnesses all the time. A family never knows when it might happen. _

_Back again. I can't rest. I threw up even though I haven't eaten anything. I wish Damon was here. I don't want to die without seeing my brother. I think about Daniel Fishman. He suffered a lot before he died. He was barely eighteen and now he is gone. His family has to go on without him. I didn't expect Father and Damon to have to go on without me. I suppose I should be thankful for what I have had and what I have done, but I keep thinking that I want to do more. I'm so young yet._

_I don't' want to suffer and die. I already hurt. I don't want it to get worse. I told Sophie I feared dying and she said I likely would not, but if I did I would get to see my mother again on the other side. She said she would pray for me to get well. She has more faith in that than I do, I guess._

_I hear Father talking to Dr. Lindsey. They will be up here to see me in a moment. I asked Sophie to put this journal under my mattress again in a moment. I asked her to see that Damon got my journals if I die. She says she will. She has tears in her eyes. That is not a good sign._

_Father and Damon, I love you both. _

"_Later"_

_I am still alive, but I am weak and in pain. I am propped up a bit in my bed and Sophie has put Mama's writing tray over my lap on the bed. I insisted she get the journal out from under my mattress and get my pen and ink for me. I want to write down what happened since last I wrote. My hand is a little shaky, but I want to do this now in case I don't survive._

_This morning Dr. Lindsey Gilbert came up to my bedroom with Father. He pulled down my blanket and pulled up my night shirt. He pressed on my belly, which really hurt in one place more than anywhere else. He did an odd thing then. He pushed the blanket down farther and looked at my privates. He asked me if my member was usually on the right. I said sometimes. He touched my member and moved it from the right side to the left. It moved back by itself. I said my pain is pulling on it because the pain is on my right side. Lindsey said that was right._

_He covered me up again and then he told Father and me that he thought it was my appendix. I thought that was two things, but he explained that it was one small thing attached to my bowels and he spelled the word. He said it was likely swollen and festering. It might burst and if it did, it might kill me. _

_He said he had experience in removing the appendix and he felt he should do that. He said he knew how to give me gas to breathe that would make me sleep while he cut on me. I was terrified about him cutting on me and how much it would hurt, but Father said that if it would save my life, then Dr. Lindsey should try it. They talked about doing the surgery here at home or in his office. They decided to do it here in the house in the dining room because the sunlight coming in the south windows this time of year would give good light._

_Lindsey actually carried me down the stairs to the dining room. He held me while Father and Joshua moved the big table over close to the window where the late morning sun was shining in and Lindsey laid me there. I was shaking, I was so afraid. He had brought two bags of his doctor things and he laid them out on another table. I got a glimpse of them and it brought tears to my eyes. I was sure I would wake up when he started to cut on me. I'm not ashamed to admit I started sobbing. Father told me to be a man and control myself. I tried._

_The gas Lindsey used to make me sleep was ether. It wasn't a gas. It was a liquid in a bottle and he dripped it on a cloth over my face. It smelled awful and in no time I felt like I was suffocating. Much as I already hurt, I struggled against the feeling. I know Father and Joshua had to hold me down. After that I was not aware of anything. _

_The next thing I knew I was in more pain and I was trying to throw up and I was thrashing around in my own bed. Lindsey and Father and Sophie were with me, talking to me, but I was confused. I even thought Damon was telling me that I was all right. I know he wasn't there, but it seemed like I could hear him._

_Dr. Lindsey made me swallow some medicine and I kept it down. It eased the pain a little and I was able to relax and fall asleep again. When I woke up again a few minutes ago, Sophie was sitting by my bed. She set up my writing things for me. I can still smell the ether. I think my lungs are full of it. I'll never forget that smell. At least I didn't feel it when the doctor cut on me, although I feel like someone has stabbed me with a sword. Apparently the appendix came out before it burst open and I survived the surgery. _

_I hear footsteps out in the hall. I think Dr. Lindsey is coming to check on me again. He's a very good doctor. I hear Sophie's voice. I hear Damon's voice! It's Damon!_

_It's later now. Damon's here! I can't believe it! He walked into my room this afternoon and for a moment I stared at the man with long scraggily hair, the dark beard and blue eyes and then I almost knocked over the tray holding my journal and the ink because I saw that it really was him. Sophie grabbed the tray and took it when Damon came over to my bed. He was grinning at me. He came to my bedside, leaned down and gave me a careful hug. I hugged him back as tightly as I could. I didn't want to let him go. Moving hurt my belly, but I didn't care. Damon was really here!_

_I think I was babbling, asking why? When? How long? He laughed and told me he had only forty eight hours and half of it was gone already because he had had to take a train to Charlottesville and then ride a rented horse home. He didn't know I was going to have surgery. It was just a co-incidence that he got here just after the surgery. He said I smelled like ether._

_I had tears in my eyes and he asked me if I was hurting. I told him it hurt, but I could bear it, especially with him right there. I told him I had feared dying and not seeing him again. He'd be off somewhere fighting and he wouldn't even know I had died. He hugged me again and said he was sure he would have felt it in his heart if I had died._

_I sat back against my pillows. I was too weak to sit up higher anymore and besides, it really hurt. I got a better look at Damon. He has lost some weight. His face looked paler, especially against his dark beard, but there was still a twinkle in his eyes. His beard wasn't long. It was sort of trimmed, but he looked so different because when he was home, he shaved every day and cut his hair now and then. _

_His shirt wasn't clean and I noticed that he had dirt under his fingernails and that they were ragged. Damon was never one to leave his fingernails dirty and broken. He smelled like he had not had a bath in a month, which was probably true. The aroma of sweat, wood smoke, pipe tobacco and gun powder clung to his clothes. Somehow, it all smelled good, I think because it was on him, my big brother._

_His trousers were the gray of the uniform, I think, but he didn't have the coat on over his shirt. I asked if those trousers were the ones that got shot and he showed me the patches. It made me feel nauseated to think how close he had come to getting a terrible wound._

_Father came into the room and insisted that I take a dose of pain medicine. I was hurting enough that I didn't argue. I didn't want to sleep while I could be talking to my brother, but Damon said he would sit with me until I fell asleep. And then he was going to take a bath while he had the chance and eat some more of Cook's good food. We talked a little more, mostly about soldering, but then I fell asleep._

_So, I'm writing now and it's nighttime. Sophie was with me when I woke and once again she set things right for me so I can write. I don't know why I feel the need to write all this down, but maybe it's because I'm not out of woods yet and I still could die. I am still in pain. Dr. Lindsey has seen me again and he says I can have water and broth to eat, but I'm afraid I will just throw it up. I know Father will bring me more medicine for my pain and then I will sleep again._

_I don't want to sleep away the time that Damon is here. He has to leave tomorrow. No, I guess it is today already. The clock on my desk says it is one o'clock in the morning. Sophie tells me Damon was in here sitting by my bed an hour ago, but he is in bed himself now. It makes me feel good just knowing he is across the hall in his own bed._

_I'm finished writing for now, so Sophie will put the journal away._

_March 20, 1862 Morning again. I get to live another day. Now we just have to wait to see if my wound festers. I feel quite a bit better today. My mind has cleared from the ether and my belly does not hurt as badly. It still hurts, but it is a different pain than before. Dr. Lindsey has been to see me quite early this morning and he seems pleased. _

_Father admitted to me that he had some doubts about Lindsey because he is so young, but now he says we are lucky to have a doctor who is experienced with the newest surgical ideas. Damon completely agrees. Old Dr. Bailey has sort of stepped down and let his younger partner do much of the harder work. We saw a lot of Dr. Bailey when Mama was with child and when she was dying after Peter's birth._

_My appetite has returned, but all I'm supposed to eat so far is broth and tea and water. Cook has made good broth and I've had some almost every hour today. I feel like I could drink a bucket of it, but not really, of course. I don't want to start throwing up again. I am spending my time in bed because I am still sick and I am really sore. It hurts to stand up straight. Joshua helped me stand this morning to piss. I find that hard to do lying down and using a bottle. I'm also afraid that if I stand up too much the stitches in my wound will come undone and my guts will fall out._

_Damon has been in to see me. He has bathed and is wearing his own clothes which have been in his room since he left. He said Joshua cut his hair and trimmed his beard for him and it looks good now that I am getting used to it. I wish he could stay home, but he said he is on a short leave and has to catch up with his regiment. He says they are headed west to Kentucky or Tennessee. He will leave this afternoon. He has to ride the rented horse all the way to Charlottesville in time to catch the train._

_He said he noticed I was writing and asked if it was the journal I started a long time ago. I told him yes. I said I write in the journal almost every day. He raised an eyebrow at that and gave me that crooked smile of his. I told him that I had told Sophie that if I passed away I wanted him to have my journals. If he was not interested in having them he didn't say so. He just nodded. He also said I was going to heal and be my normal self. He said Lindsey was a good doctor. He said he had seen awful doctoring in the army but the doctors were very limited in what they could do to save men's lives. _

_Father joined us for a while and it was nice to have him and Damon sitting in my room just talking. Father actually listens to what Damon says. He and Damon seemed to be able to talk to each other without arguing now. Maybe they aren't arguing in front of me so it won't upset me. I'd like for them to become better friends now that Damon is a man. He's a man and a soldier and my big brother. I'm so proud of him._

A/N Well, I hope you liked this chapter. I'm working on the next chapter which I will post soon. Feel free to comment. Love those reviews!


	24. Chapter 24

_Chapter 24_

A/N Thank you guys for the reviews, etc. I love you. I know it would be nice to have Damon home more, but he's at war. Maybe I can have him write more letters home. In the meantime, he's still visiting.

_While Damon was there, sitting in my room, I wanted to see him smoke his pipe so he took it out of his pocket and lit it up. He said Father had given him some good pipe tobacco, which he really preferred. He sat there by my bed and looked so debonair as he smoked. I hope I spelled debonair right because it is the perfect word. Father looked at him and I think he approved._

_Despite what Father told me about not being Damon's real sire, I think he likes him as a son some of the time. I can understand him not liking Damon when they argue or Damon does something Father doesn't like, but that isn't all the time. When Damon was in college, I know I sometimes heard Father speak of Damon with a tad of pride when he spoke to people, especially people who didn't know Damon. He does the same thing now when he tells people about getting a letter from his son who was fighting for Virginia and the South._

_It's early afternoon now. Earlier I started to feel quite sore and Father got some medicine for me. Of course that made me sleepy. Damon told me to take a nap. He said he wanted to see one more of his friends before he had to leave. He had already talked to a couple of friends and he also knows Lindsey._

_Billy came to see me a while ago and I was glad to see him. He said he had been afraid for me. He said he and his father came yesterday to see me, but I was sound asleep. He wanted to see my wound and I lifted the bandage so he could see it. He called it my wound from my battle with the appendix. I am a warrior. I'll have a scar to show my friends._

_Billy stayed quite a while and he was here when Damon returned to the house. In preparation for leaving, Damon had on his uniform which Sophie has tried to clean, but it is wool and really washing it would make it shrink. His shirt and longjohns are nice and clean though. I'm sure he enjoys having clean clothes on for a change._

_Because Father was not in the room at the time, just Billy, I told Damon that I thought Father was proud of him being in the army. Damon gave me that crooked smile of his again. I think he knows Father's pride in him may be fleeting, as they say. He shrugged and said Father's pride might be for himself for having a son in the war._

_If Billy had not been there, I think I might have brought up the subject of Damon's parentage, but I didn't want to in front of Billy. And also, I was afraid it might upset Damon and I didn't want him leaving upset._

_I hated to bid him goodbye and I made him swear he would try to be careful in the war. He promised he would do his best to stay safe. We gave each other a good hug and he kissed the top of my head before he left my room. I told Billy I was so glad to have had Damon here, even for such a short time._

_When Billy left to go home, the house suddenly felt empty. Of course Father and the servants were there, but the emptiness was because Damon had left. I pictured him hurrying the horse toward Charlottesville to catch that train. He would find himself back with his fellow soldiers headed west. _

_March 21, 1862_

_I really feel like I am going to live. Lindsey has been to the house and looked at my wound and gently poked my belly. One of the stitches in my skin looks red like its festering. He asked for a poltice to be put on it to draw out the pus. _

_But otherwise, he said things look good. I can be up a little as long as I don't do anything like hurry around or lift things. I still can't eat hearty food yet. He said sometimes the bowels stop moving after surgery or injury, so I must not be surprised if I feel full of gas for a day or so more. Well, that sounds fun. I'm being sarcastic here._

_So, I have been out of bed for short periods of time. Then I feel tired and a bit shaky and lie down again. I find my thoughts turn to Damon often. I wonder where he is right now. Has he arrived in Kentucky or Tennessee yet?_

_I knew there had been a few run-ins with the Union troops along the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers. The North has been trying to cut the South off from using the rivers to move supplies and soldiers. Father and our teachers say that places like Memphis, Vicksburg and New Orleans are important places to the South. They seem so far away to me, way on the other side of the mountains._

_ This afternoon I was standing at my back window, just looking out. This time of year, with the trees near the house still bare of leaves, the mountains loom there. The Blue Ridge and a ways beyond them the Alleganys. They seem so close. Even though I have never been through them, I know it takes quite a while to travel through on horseback. _

_It must have been so hard in the early days for folks to cross the mountain passes with horses and wagons pulled by oxen. These days a person can get through on the railroads that pass through tunnels and fairly decent roads through the passes. Or at least that's what I understand._

_I don't know why I am writing this. I think being stuck in the house and mostly in my bedroom is making me twitchy. I have been reading my books, but I am bored with it. I hoped one of my friends would come by after school, but so far no one has. Tomorrow is Saturday. At least Billy better show up._

_When I stand at my back window this time of year I can see much more of the farm than during the summer. Since my room is on the back northwest corner of the house, I get a view of the horse barn with its carriage shed, some view of the other barn for the cows and sheep, the chicken house and the pigs' pen and shelter. I can see the row of slave cabins. There's smoke from each of their chimneys. Beyond are the pastures for the horses and cows. Beyond that are the hay fields, which go way back to the line of trees that mark the course of Willow Creek._

_I can't see all of the pastures and hay fields because they stretch further to the south. A line of fir trees block the view in that direction. I also can't see the gardens which are on the south side of the house. The part of the house that extends westward contains the dining room and the kitchen. There is always smoke rising from Cook's fire._

_ As I have written before, I can see that all this will likely be mine some day. I really doubt that Damon wants to run this farm and Father doesn't want him to have it. Father could change his mind, of course. I ask Father many questions when I help with the ledger books. For instance, I wondered how much each of the horses and cows ate, other than pasture grazing. Father told me to spend time with the stableman Silas and find out. I did that not long ago._

_A fellow named Ollie knows about the cows, pigs, chickens and sheep. I did as Father directed and figured out what it cost to feed the animals beyond just turning them out to graze. Winter is the time they especially need hay from the big stacks._

_ Food for us and the slaves certainly runs into money. So does upkeep of the house, barns and cabins. Of course, we grow a lot of our food, but we get flour, coffee, sugar and other things from the stores in town._

_ Will I ever be able to run this farm properly? I hope so. Father says the day will come when I will have a wife and children, and the farm will provide for us. I have a hard time picturing me with a wife and children. If I didn't go to college, I imagine it could happen in another four or five years. I don't feel at all ready to consider that._

A/N Well, Stefan is recovering nicely from his illness. Now I have to think of something else for him to write about. Hope you liked this.


	25. Chapter 25

_Chapter 25_

"_Back to Normal"_

A/N Sorry about the delay in getting this chapter out. I am having trouble with my muse. I hope you all find what I have written interesting.

_March 22, 1862 I feel so much better. It looks like I am going to be all right. Even my bowels are working the way they should. That's a relief. While I hated the appendix surgery and pain I certainly loved that Damon was here. I also like that I can eat some decent food even if I am not supposed to eat a hearty meal yet._

_ I went into Damon's room this afternoon and just stood there like I have done many times. He once told me that we shared the room I call my own. I don't remember that. I was very young. I guess he was just a child, too. He says I was an annoying pest. At that age I'm sure I was. If Peter had stayed with us I would have had the chance to experience that as his older brother._

_ This being Saturday, Billy came over and we talked and played checkers. He told me that a new family moved in not far down the road from his place. The Grahams used to live in that house. The new family is the Holsteds. I'm not sure of the spelling. Billy said one of the girls is named Alexandra. It reminds him of a sister he had when he was little. He remembers her as thin and sickly. She died of some disease when he was around three years old. I don't remember her at all. I imagine Damon knew her._

_ Billy says there are twins that will be in our class at school. He says they don't look alike because one is a boy and one is a girl. They are not like the Merkel twins who are both girls and look exactly alike. Billy says the boy's name is Steven and the girl is Stefanie. Those names are really close to mine._

_ I am surprised that my parents did not call me Stefano which is more Italian than Stefan. Especially since my middle name is Paolo. One of my Salvatore cousins is called Stefano. . I wish Father would let me visit some of my cousins, both the Remingtons and the Salvatores. He does not seem to want to. It is a miracle he even went to his brother's funeral. _

_I wonder if Peter died would Father go to his funeral. I should not write that or even think it. I don't want Peter to die. Please don't die, Peter. I think I will write a letter to him again and tell him about my appendix and how Damon came at the right time to see me. Well, maybe not the right time because I was so sick and I couldn't talk so much to him like I wanted._

_March 27, 1862 I finished writing my letter to Peter and I gave it to Father to mail. He scowled when he saw the address. I told him what I wrote. He didn't say anything but he promised to mail it when he went to town. He goes every day just before the mail coach arrives. He also hangs around for a while to hear any news that comes in over the telegraph. A lot of the people do that in case there has been a battle somewhere. The families never know if or when one of their members has been hurt or killed until the names are posted._

_ There is always some kind of news about fighting, even with ships. Earlier this month there was a fight between some ships over on the coast of Virginia. Two of the ships had metal plates bolted on them. They are called iron-clads which sounds logical. One was called the Monitor and one the Virginai except that one used to be called the Merrimac. Father and Mr. Gilbert think a lot of ships will have metal armor because they don't get damaged so easily._

_ There was also fighting out west the Mississippi and Ohio Rivers. Some place called Fort Donelson. I hope Damon is not there. He did say he was headed for Kentucky or Tennessee. It is hard to imagine soldiers from this part of Virginia having to go to the Mississippi River to fight battles. Don't they have enough soldiers in that part of the country to fight their own battles?_

_ I am bored. I find it hard to stay home and do nothing. Billy has brought some of the reading assignments from school and whatever school things he can think of. We go over some of those things but he has had enough of school by the time he gets here. So we play cards or games or just talk. Even Barbara Ann came to the house and play cards with me._

_April 7, 1862 Lindsey let me go to school today. I didn't walk to school. Silas drove me. The ride made my wound a little sore but I didn't say anything. I was glad to see my other friends and school mates and the teachers. Everyone welcome me back._

_ I saw Ilana and she smiled at me. I think when I feel stronger I will take her for another riding lesson. I also met the new twins. Billy was right, they don't look alike at all._

_By the end of the school day I was very tired. That surprised me. I felt like I had run miles and had no energy left. I was glad to see Silas waiting for me with the buggy. It was raining so we gave Billy and his older brother Roland a ride home. Roland never walks with Billy either to school or home. I don't know why. Those two brothers do not get along much. I don't really care much for Roland. He is sort of sarcastic sometimes and he pretends to be better than us younger kids. He spends time with his friends and he is looking forward to joining the army. Maybe he will run into Damon somewhere._

_When I got home Mr. Gilbert was at the house talking to Father. Mr. Gilbert had been to town and a telegraph message had told the townsfolk that there is a battle going on over in Tennessee again. This time it is a big serious battle that started yesterday. Thousands of soldiers have been killed in an area between Pittsburg Landing and Shiloh Church. Father showed me where that was on a map. I could tell he was worried about Damon. Was he over there? Were soldiers from Virginia involved? Which side was winning?_

_I truly cannot imagine thousands of dead men lying around all over the ground. It must be horrible. Apparently there comes a time after a battle when the dead can be buried and the wounded ones rescued. Or taken prisoner. Damon didn't talk much about the ugliness of battle, but he did say that is bothered him greatly to see injured men lying on the battlefields needing help and sometimes no one could get to them. I can't even imagine it. I pray that he is not at this new battle._

_April 9, 1862 At school today there was talk about the battle as every one wondered what was going on. The word coming in over the telegraph and from the newspaper from Charlottesville is that the North won the battle and chased our boys south. That's too bad. I sort of feel our soldiers died for nothing. But that is not true. They died for a cause and for the Confederacy._

_April 12, 1862 Dr. Lindsey said I could ride my horse if I didn't gallop or jump fences. Friday I asked Ilana and Barbara Ann if they would like to go riding and they argee. So I had Silas saddle Webster for me and the two other horses I used last time for the girls. Before long the three of us rode easily along the road that led to Wickery Bridge. We continued on from there. It was nice weather today._

_At one point Ilana asked if she could talk to me in private. I said all right and Barbara Ann just shrugged and halted her her, letting it crop grass at the roadside. Ilana and I rode on a ways and then stopped under a tree. We didn't get off the horses which I was glad of. I still don't trust Ilana and her urges._

_What Ilana had to tell me did not please me. She admitted that she had been seeing the older boy John Adams (who is not related to the famous Adams family). John is about to graduate from school and join the army like Roland. Anyway, Ilana told me she had talked to him and told him that she wanted from him what she had wanted from me. What John wanted turned out to be more than that and he had nagged her to give in. She had rather reluctantly done so. He had taken her virginity._

_I felt indignant about that. How dare he! He was seventeen or eighteen years old and she was fourteen like me. She said he had hurt her a bit and he had not really given her the feeling she had wanted. He did let her play with his privates, which was one of the things she missed doing with her Daniel. Apparently John was not really interested in giving her the kind of pleasure that she wanted. Still, she admitted that she had been with him three times since I had last had a talk with her. She had tears in her eyes and I thought that she hated herself for doing what she was doing._

_I asked her if he was protecting her from having a baby. She shook her head and said no. I found myself lecturing her, scolding her. I was angry and confused about what she and John were doing, about her foolish behavior and John's selfish behavior._

_We three ended up riding back to town. I left Ilana at her house and led the horse as we rode back to my place. I could have taken Barbara Ann to her home, but then I would have had to lead two horses home. Barbara Ann said there was not need. She didn't mind the walk from our farm to her own home. After all, she had done that to get to my place before our ride._

_She did ask what had upset Ilana. I couldn't tell her. I just said it was something personal that she and I had talked about before. I really would have liked to tell her all about it, but I couldn't. I couldn't even tell Billy or Father._

_Out of the blue I remembered talking to Father Flanagan way back when I ruined the piano. I wondered if I could go and talk to him. What would he think if I came into his Catholic church and told him about my Jewish friend Ilana? Would he be disgusted with me or think the whole thing was funny and typical of us non-Catholic sinners? Surely there are plenty of Catholic sinners. People are people, Mr. Gilbert says._

A/N Any comments are welcome.


	26. Chapter 26

_Chapter 26_

A/N Since I didn't get any reviews on the last chapter, I don't know how you all feel about what happened, especially the problem with Ilana.

"Dilemma"

_ I really want to talk to someone about Ilana and what she is doing. I have very mixed emotions. I am disappointed and a bit disgusted with Ilana. I'm angry with John. I have to admit I even feel a bit of jealousy. I should not, I know. Ilana is not my girl, not really. And the truth is that what she wants frightens me a little. It is confusing to know my body would gladly have fun with her and not care how improper our actions were. John obviously feels that way._

_I don't know what Damon would say. Maybe his attitude is more like John's than mine. I overheard one girl tell another that boys' brains were in their pants. At the time I heard that, I didn't really understand what the girl meant. Now I understand, but I don't agree. I get twitchy in my pants and I think a lot about doing stuff, but I also think a lot about other things. My brain is not in my pants._

_ Am I being rigidly moral? I don't think so. I don't think it is wrong to do the right thing. My heart says that I should not be that intimate with a girl at this stage of my life. Do I want to wait until I get married? I don't know. That could be a long time. I suspect that as I get older, my own urges will increase. Father and Mr. Gilbert must think the same thing or they would not have told me what they have about intimate behavior._

_ I wish Mama was still alive. Would I have the courage to ask her opinion about these things? Maybe. Or maybe I'd die of embarrassment trying to explain to her. Being a woman, she would have a different viewpoint. I don't feel I can talk to Mrs. Gilbert. That would be betraying the Fishman's secret. Should I go to Mr. Fishman? He talked to me and seemed to trust me. Perhaps he thinks I will tell him if Ilana misbehaves with me. But he didn't say anything about telling if I found out she was misbehaving with someone else. This is so confusing. I don't know what is the right thing to do._

_I wish Damon would send me a letter but I suppose he won't write for a while since he was home just a while ago. Come to think of it I should be the one to write first. I need to let him know I am recovered and back in school._

_What if he was at that battle in Tennessee and got hurt? I think if he had been killed the army would have let us know by now. So, I have to believe his is still alive. He said when he was here that he would have felt it in his heart if I had died from the appendix. Would I feel it in my heart if he died? My brother means so much to me. I hope I would know if he died. I wonder if I would know if he was injured and in great pain. I suppose not. I don't want him suffering like Daniel did._

_April 13, 1862 There has still been no word that anything has happened to my brother so Father and I are hopeful that he is all right._

_A funny thing happened today. Sophie was cleaning the play room. It is the room right next to my bedroom where Damon and I had most of our toys and games when we were little. The room is still used as a play room if we have company and there are young children. That is rare these days, but maybe some day Damon will marry and have little ones who can play there. Or maybe they will be my own children._

_Anyway, Sophie was dusting and mopping and moving things around. I was watching her and chatting with her just to be doing something. There is an old rocking horse with most of its real horse hair mane and tail gone. I used to love that rocking horse. It was safer than the pony I learned to ride on, except when I rocked too hard and it went right over. I remember Damon laughing after it went over on me. He said I had to learn how far to go._

_The funny thing that happened was that when Sophie set the horse down in a different place, she lost her grip on it and it plunked down hard. Something fell out of its open mouth. It was one of the little metal toy soldiers that Damon had. He had a whole lot of them and he used to play battle. _

_I looked at the horse's mouth carefully. There is a bridle with a bit and reins. The horse's head is wooden, of course, but the mouth is open and there is a space inside in back of the bit. I stuck my finger in there and managed to get two more soldiers out._

_More than once I remember Damon accusing me of stealing some of his soldiers_

_and hiding them. Well, now I know where three of them were. I don't remember doing that. I must have been really little. Damon was right about my hiding them. I must have been feeding them to the horse. _

A/N I know this chapter is really short. I need help with Stefan's problem with Ilana. What should he do? Should he tell her father or go talk to the priest? Or should he mind his own business? He wants to help his friend, but I don't know how he should do it. Please give me some suggestions or your opinions. Send me a PM, please.


	27. Chapter 27

_Chapter 27_

A/N Hey, thanks to you readers, followers and reviewers. You encourage me so much!

_ "Seeking Advice" _

_ April 14, 1862 I walked to school with Billy this morning. He was coughing and sniffing. He says he is getting a cold. I hope he does not share it with me. I've already had one sickness and I don't want any more._

_ I was not looking forward to seeing Ilana at school and I kept thinking about it. Billy asked me what I was thinking about so hard. I lied to him and said I was thinking about Damon in the war and worried about him. Billy said he understood that. I did tell him that I had given Ilana another riding lesson along with Barbara Ann. I said I thought Ilana was doing a good job._

_ Billy surprised me when he admitted that he had been thinking of Ilana lately. He found himself watching her at school. He asked me if I was sweet on her or not. I said we were just friends. I realized that I didn't want Billy to have anything to do with that girl. I was sure she would make improper suggestions to him. I know it is none of my business, but the idea alarmed me. _

_ Maybe Billy would not think the suggestions were improper. Would he take advantage of her like John was doing? I didn't think so, but I could be wrong. I struggled not to say anything that would make him suspicious. Instead, I told him that her father was quite strict and stern and kept an eye on any boys who came calling on her. I told him that was why I asked Barbara Ann to ride with us._

_ Billy thought about that before he shrugged and said he was only thinking about it and he probably wouldn't call on her. I was relieved to hear that._

_ At school I had a real conversation with the new girl Stefanie Halstedt. She seems really nice. She likes our school and our teachers. She said Mystic Falls is bigger than the town where she grew up and she likes that too. She likes to ride horseback and she plays the piano. She likes to read, too._

_ I told her I had an older brother in the army and a younger one who lived in Richmond most of the time. She asked why he was there instead of here. I didn't want to say Father hated him, so I said that Mama died when Peter was born and her mama asked Father if she could raise him and Father had said yes. Stefanie seemed to accept that reason._

_ The more I talked to her, the more I liked her. She isn't really pretty, I guess. Sort of plain. But she has a wonderful smile and a soft laugh. Her eyes are a brighter green than mine and her hair is a dark red. I think its called auburn or something like that. Her twin brother Steve has dark hair and blue eyes like Damon does. Their older sister Alexandra has the same coloring as Stefanie. She's a couple of grades ahead of us._

_ Of course it crossed my mind to ask her to go horseback riding with me some time, but I hesitated to ask just yet. I already had problems with one girl. I hadn't forgotten Ilana and my confusion about who to tell about her. I saw Ilana at school, of course, and she sort of avoided me._

_ After school I told Billy I wanted to do something and not to wait for me. He looked at me suspiciously, but he nodded and headed home without me. I went to the center of town and stood in the middle of the grassy square. What to do? Who to talk to? Should I go into the bank and see Mr. Fishman? Should I go down King Street to the Catholic church?_

_ I was afraid to face Mr. Fishman. I looked at the windows of the bank and who was looking out but Mr. Fishman! He was looking at me. I turned away quickly before he could beckon me, if he had that in mind. Instead I hurried along King Street toward the church. When I came to it I opened the door and went inside. It smells of incense or candles in there. The sun was shining through the stained glass windows on the south side and assorted small statues of saints seemed to be watching me. It's a small church and I know very few families go there, which is too bad because it is pretty inside._

_I stood there looking around. No one was in sight and I found I was afraid to go look for Father Flanagan. I could feel my hands sweating. What should I say to him? Should I be saying anything to him? Then he came from a side door that I know led to his office. He saw me and walked to me, greeting me. He remembered my name._

_I stood there like an idiot and didn't know what to say other than hello. He asked if I had come to talk to him. When I just stared at him tongue-tied, he said to come on into his office where he had cookies that Mrs. O'Toole had brought him. I followed him to his office and sat where he told me to. He offered me cookies and I took one. It was a sugar cookie with pieces of pecans on it._

_He asked me if anything had come of the piano incident and I told him that yes, what I had done came out when a lady came to buy the piano. I told him the lady had bought the piano anyway and that Father had not severely punished me._

_After a minute while I nibbled the cookie and didn't say more, he asked what had brought me to his church today. I hesitated and finally told him that I had a friend, a girl, who was being intimate with an older boy. I said I feared he would get her with child and ruin her reputation. I said I knew she didn't want to have a baby at fourteen, but she also didn't want to stop meeting this boy in secret. She had confided in me alone and now I didn't know what to do. I said I wished she hadn't told me._

_He asked if I thought the girl was happy with the older boy and was there a good chance that they would marry?_

_I said I didn't think she was really happy with him or the situation and I doubted they would ever marry. I was sure John's family would not agree to him marrying a Jewish girl. His father was a preacher in one of the Protestant churches. I didn't tell Father Flanagan that._

_He looked at me for a long moment and I didn't know what he was thinking. I thought I shouldn't have told him. Then he said maybe she told me because she wanted help. He asked if I thought that was the case._

_I nodded and said it was possible._

_He asked if the girl was Catholic. I said no. I didn't want to say she was Jewish because that really narrowed down the possibilities. He asked me if I knew her parents well enough to tell them. It was their responsibility to protect her from danger._

_I said I did know them but if I told them, wouldn't that be betraying the girl's confidence. I watched him as he sat there thinking. Finally he asked me if I expected him to talk to either the girl or the boy or to their parents._

_I admitted that I didn't expect that of him because neither the boy nor the girl were Catholic. I told him I came to him because I didn't know who to turn to and I wanted to tell someone who would not repeat everything to other people. I admitted that I just wanted advice from someone who knew more about things than I did. He nodded and said he understood. He said I would have to make up my own mind if I wanted to tell the parents or some other adult who might help._

_I told him I was really worried that my friend would find herself expecting a baby because the boy was not doing anything to prevent it. Father Flanagan nodded, and then he told me that the Catholic Church does not believe in that kind of prevention, that sexual intimacy should be between a husband and his wife and that they should welcome children._

_Father Flanagan told me that he was not a naïve fool. He knew plenty of sex went on between unmarried people or those who committed adultery, but he couldn't condone it. He knew methods were used to prevent babies. He suggested that I either talk to the parents, or talk to a trusted adult who would talk to the parents. Or I could back off and let those involved work it out. He agreed with me that my friend was in a bad situation. I didn't tell him anything about Ilana's urges, so he didn't know how bad the situation was. I finally thanked him for talking to me. He let me have another cookie as I left his office. Good cookies. I think they made me feel better._

_Well, so I shared my concerns with someone. I still didn't know what else to do. If I just backed off and didn't get involved and something happened, I would feel guilty. I had enough of feeling really guilty back when I ruined the piano. I hate this. I wish Damon was here. I'd tell him and he would probably do something brash like beat up John. Damon likes to face problems head on. _

_I wish I could do that, but I am the kind who worries things to death in my mind. Barbara Ann says I sometimes look "dark and broody like Heathcliff," whatever that means. She must be referring to the story Wethering Heigths. I suppose it is the expression on my face while I am trying to solve a problem._

_Walking home alone I decided that I would talk to Mr. Gilbert. He was the only other adult, besides my father sometimes, I was comfortable talking to. I think it is a shame I can't talk to Father about something like this. I never know how he will react. He is too quick to get angry about things. Even if he didn't drink quite a bit, he has a bad temper._

_At the Gilbert house I knocked on the door. I've been there a thousand times, but I don't feel I can just walk in. I sort of hoped to avoid seeing Billy. Maybe he would be upstairs in his room. No such luck. Billy opened the door. He looked surprised for a moment and then grinned at me, inviting me in. _

_His grin disappeared when I told him I wanted to see his father, if he was home. Of course he asked why. We rarely keep secrets from each other. I rather awkwardly told him it was something I needed to discuss with his father in private. Billy looked at me for a moment and then shrugged. He walked me to his father's library, where he announced me. He actually said in a formal tone, "Stefan Salvatore to see you, Pa." Well, that was awkward._

_Billy left and closed the door behind him. I stood there facing Mr. Gilbert, who had been reading a book. He had a questioning look on his face as he beckoned me to sit in a chair near his. I sat down on the edge of the chair. I couldn't relax and get comfortable, even though it was the kind of chair a person could really get comfortable in._

"_Are you all right?" he asked, which took me by surprise. Did I look that worried? Probably. Broody._

_I said, "Yes. I'm all right. I want to help a friend who is in trouble and I don't know what to do. I thought maybe you might give me some direction." I think I stammered a bit._

"_I can try," he told me._

"_I was told something in confidence and I don't like to betray that confidence. If I tell you, will you keep it to yourself?"_

"_I think I would have to hear what the problem is before I promise such a thing. But I will be fair and try to abide by your wishes," he said. Or something like that._

_I took a deep breath and shared my concerns. _

A/N Well, what do you think of Stefan's choices? Did Father Flanagan give good advice?


	28. Chapter 28

_Chapter 28_

_A/N I finally got this chapter ready to go. Hope you like it._

_I ended up telling Mr. Gilbert much of the story. I told him in a whisper, just in case Billy was listening at the door. I didn't mention what Ilana and I did when we were out in the sleigh. I told him Ilana had confided that she had strong sexual urges, but I didn't say what her brother did. And I told him what she now said she was doing with John. I admitted I was afraid for her and I wanted her parents to know. I admitted I was afraid to face them._

_Mr. Gilbert then sat and thought about what I had said. I felt so tense. Had I just made a terrible mistake by telling him? I felt guilty. I want my friends to trust me. I want them to know I will keep a secret entrusted to me. Well, so much for that._

"_I have a feeling that there is more to this than you have told me, Stefan," he said to me. I suspect I had a guilty or scared expression on my face and I feared he would put pressure on me to tell. I knew under pressure that I would tell, and I wasn't sure just how much I would tell. Would I just blab the whole story? I suspect I would have if he had not looked away from me and stared across the room._

"_Have you told anyone else?" he asked me after a moment. "Billy?"_

"_Not Billy," I said, shaking my head. "I told Father Flanagan."_

"_Father Flanagan? Are you going to his church now?"_

"_No, sir," I said "I have talked to him before just to get something off my chest. He keeps things to himself even if I'm not Catholic."_

"_I'm sure he does. All right. I know Mr. Fishman," he said. "I could talk to him, tell him his daughter was seen alone with young John Adams and they seemed to be close. John is much too old to be showing interest in a girl who only recently turned fourteen. And he should not be seen alone with her. It is most improper. I don't have to mention that you told me anything. How does that sound?"_

_I nodded and told him it sounded reasonable to me. It would let me off the hook, so to speak. It was a great relief to me. I also told myself I am such a coward for asking someone else to handle the problem. _

_With luck, Ilana's father would speak to John and insist he not come near the girl. Hopefully it would be in time to prevent a baby. What would Ilana do if she didn't have me or John? Would she just find a way to get close to some other boy? How desperate was she? This is like a sickness for her._

"_I know this was hard for you to tell me," Mr. Gilbert said. "I can see you care very much for the girl and want to help her."_

_I just nodded again. He nodded, too. Then he waved his hand toward the door, dismissing me._

_When I left Mr. Gilbert's library I felt a lot of relief, but I was not free of worry. I can't help worrying. I guess it is just the way I am. I ran into Billy in the parlor and he urged me to take a seat and have some cookies his mother had made. Cookies will get me every time, so I sat._

"_Are you going to tell me what you and Pa were talking about?" he asked._

"_I can't, Billy. It really is a private matter. Sorry, my friend," I told him. "You aren't mad at me, are you?"_

"_No. I'm just curious. All right, I'm dying to know, but I won't keep after you about it," he said and he punched my arm in a friendly way. He is such a good friend._

_We talked about things from school, things we normally would have talked about on our walk home from school._

_While we were talking, his brother Roland came in and saw the cookies on the plate. He helped himself to what was left. Billy yelled at him and told him to get his own from the kitchen. Roland just smirked at him and walked away, heading for the front door. I know there were times in the past I have been really annoyed at my big brother._

_April 15, 1862 Ilana was at school today and I saw no indication that she was upset. She spoke to me the same as usual, just in passing. I guessed that had not spoken to her father yet or the father had not yet said anything to Ilana._

_Father just got back from town. He went in the afternoon to get the mail because the coach from Charlottesville was very late. There was a bridge washout and repairs had to be made. Sometimes we get mail from the coach from the south, but most of the time it comes from the north. Father corresponds with quite a few people. I know because I write a lot of the letters for him as he dictates. That way folks can read them. His writing is so awful. It was bad before he broke his hand and it's terrible now._

_Anyway, he hollered up to me in my room to say we got a letter from Damon. So I was just downstairs reading it. Then I gave it to Father to read. Damon wrote that he was not at the battle of Shiloh, but he has talked to soldiers that were. They said it was terrible. Damon says he is glad he and his fellow soldiers were not involved. The letter was very brief just to let us know he is all right. Father and I can breathe a sigh of relief to know his is safe for a while._

_April 16, 1862 Well, I know Mr. Gilbert went to talk to Mr. Fishman. I'm not sure when, but I think it was this morning. came to the school and went to the principal. They both showed up right at our classroom and beckoned to Ilana. Nothing was said except that Ilana needed to go home with her father for a family situation. It could have been anything, like her mother getting sick, but I know Ilana didn't think that. She gave me a look and tears came to her eyes. Then she left with her father._

_Everyone was looking at each other and whispering. Some of them looked at me. They must wonder why Ilana looked at me and started to cry. All I could do was pretend I knew nothing. I am worried what will happen to my friend and I feel guilty. I guess I could not win in this situation. Neither could she._

_April 17, 1862 Ilana was not in school today. I didn't have the courage to go by her house to see her after school. I walked home with Billy and he wondered aloud what had happened._

_I noticed that John was in school. He looked worried. I certainly didn't say anything to him, but I think Mr. Fishman or Mr. Adams confronted him about his activity with Ilana. I just hope all this was in time and Ilana does not have a baby._

A/N This chapter was sort of short. I don't know where I want to take Stefan next. Any ideas?


	29. Chapter 29

_Chapter 29_

_A/N Thanks for reading and commenting, folks. _

"_Roland"_

_ When we got to Billy's house we sat on the porch and talked about a couple of things. One of them, of course, was Ilana's absence from school. He pressured me a bit to tell him what I knew. I told him that I knew the Fishmans had a family problem, which Ilana had told me, but I really wasn't free to tell other people._

_ Just then Roland came out of the front door. He scowled at us and then smirked. He said, "Well, I know _one _thing about the Fishmans."_

_ I realized he must have overheard my comment. I didn't want him to say anything if it was about Ilana. However, he did. He went down the stairs and then turned to us and told us with a nasty grin on his face._

_ "John Adams has been plowing Ilana's field! Isn't she a friend of yours, Stefan?"_

_ I was shocked. Had John been bragging about it? Had he told his buddies, who included Roland? Or had someone seen them together?_

_ I stood up and yelled at him. "Where did you hear that? Who said so?"_

_ "John told a couple of us," Roland said, laughing at my anger. _

_I hated him! I hated John! I wanted to punch Roland, but I tried to hold off. I could feel my heart pounding. I was almost seeing red again, but I was sure Roland could whip me. I almost didn't care. I really wanted to punch him in the face. I also realized that Father might literally whip me if I got into a bad fight again. Was it worth it?_

"_You are just saying that," I yelled. I didn't want to admit I already knew it was true about John and Ilana. I was still defending her tarnished honor, I guess._

"_It's the truth," Roland said laughing. "What are you so mad about? Did he take something you'd already laid claim to?"_

_I did see red then. I charged him, ready to wipe that grin off his face. He sidestepped my charge and kicked the seat of my pants as I went by. I landed on my belly on the ground and scraped the tip of my nose on a flag stone. Even though my memory of this is a little fuzzy, I know I got right back up and charged him again. I got hold of his shirt and held on so I could land blows with my other fist and kick him._

_Next thing I knew I was on the ground on top of Roland and someone lifted me off him until I couldn't reach him. Roland had a bloody lip and a red mark on his left cheek, but he was otherwise all right. He scowled at me and then gave me that grin that I hated._

_I struggled a bit to get free because I still wanted to wipe that grin from his face, but I could hear Mr. Gilbert and Billy telling me enough was enough and to get control of myself._

"_What's going on here?" Mr. Gilbert demanded as he kept hold of my arms. "Why are you two fighting"_

"_He was insulting Ilana. He has not right to spread rumors like that," I insisted._

"_Is that so, Roland?" he asked his son._

_Roland was getting to his feet. He then shrugged his shoulders. "Just repeating what I heard."_

"_And you shouldn't be fighting with a younger boy," the father admonished. He had to know Roland and Billy had been in a few brotherly fights._

"_He started it, Pa. He jumped me," Roland whined. He did, he whined._

"_It's never your fault, is it?" Mr. Gilbert said accusingly. He turned me toward him and told me to go in the house with Billy._

_Roland walked toward the road, but he turned for a moment and said, "Ask her the next time you see her, Salvatore." Then he walked away._

_Billy was standing nearby. He looked at me with a worried expression. Still angry, I turned toward the porch. I muttered a choice swear word. I still didn't want to tell Billy it was true._

"_Do you think it's true?" Billy asked as we went up the steps. He didn't ask if I already knew. He touched my arm and I yanked my arm away. I wasn't angry with him, just in general._

"_Ha," I said in a huff. "Would you believe John Adams if he said that about Ilana?"_

"_I wouldn't want to, but why would John say that about a fourteen-year-old girl? And why would Roland say he said it?"_

"_I don't know. I hate your brother, Billy," I snapped at him. _

_I really don't like Roland. He was supposed to graduate from school last spring, but he didn't. I didn't know that until Billy told me during the summer. Roland wanted to join the army, but his father would not let him until he finished high school. _

_According to Billy, Roland didn't study hardly at all last year. He just socialized with his friends, a couple of them already graduated. In a way, it reminded me of my brother. At least Damon graduated high school and spent about three years in college, after a fashion. Now, Roland was usually in a bad mood, but he was studying. He should graduate in a few weeks. It was Billy's opinion that if Roland didn't finish school, he would probably just leave home and join the army anyway._

_ Mr. Gilbert followed us into the house where Mrs. Gilbert and Amy were standing in the hallway. We all went to the kitchen where there was water to clean my face and hands. Mrs. Gilbert fussed over me for a minute and then Mr. Gilbert told me to follow him into his library._

_ Once again Billy was excluded. I sat in a chair and realized my bottom was sore from the kick. In fact, I began to feel sore here and there. Although Roland had not punched me in the face, he surely punched my ribs and I think he got me with a knee to my privates. My heart was still fast, but it was slowing down and my hands were not shaking any more._

_ "Why did I lose control and attack him, Mr. Gilbert? I mean besides the fact he really made me mad saying stuff about Ilana."_

_ "It appears you have a bad temper, Stefan. You are going to have to learn to control it. Defending yourself or someone else is all right, but getting murderously angry in not right. Someday you might kill someone when you aren't in control of yourself."_

_ "That would be terrible," I admitted. He asked why I had jumped Roland and I told him. He said nothing could be done about what John had told the others or what Roland knew. It was best if I just let it go. Getting into fights didn't change anything and might call further attention to Ilana.. He also apologized for his son's behavior, saying that Roland could be nasty. Soon he would finish school and go join the army._

_ Writing this now, I realize that the army seems to be a place families send problem sons. Father told Damon to join the army. Damon seemed fine with that anyway. The Fishmans had told Daniel to join the army to get him away from his sister. I don't know how Daniel felt about that. Now, the Gilberts were anxious to get Roland into the army. He wanted to go._

_ I would worry that all older sons upset their families, but I know some don't. No one is unhappy over Lindsey Gilbert, for instance. As a good doctor he is very welcomed by everyone. His parents are proud of him. And I know Father is now proud of Damon. Of course, Damon isn't home all the time to annoy Father._

_I hope when I am eighteen I don't annoy Father so much that he wants to get rid of me._

_After a while I trudged home. I was getting more sore by the minute. If I were not still angry at Roland, I would have regretted getting into a fight with him. I managed to get to my room without Father seeing me. A changed clothes because I had a tear in my shirt and a blood spot on it, either from Roland's lip or from my scraped knuckles. I looked at my bare chest in the mirror. Yes, I would have bruises. I even lowered my trousers and my drawers to look at my privates. A bit of redness there and soreness._

_So here I am writing all this down. After a while I will have to go downstairs to supper with Father and try to hide my soreness. I am really surprised I have no marks on my face. Did Roland do that deliberately? Is it possible he held back because I am a smaller boy? I guess it's possible, but he surely punched my ribs hard enough. And he got me with a knee. Definitely not Marques of Queensbury rules. I wonder if I spelled that right. Of course, I would not expect him to fight like a gentleman. I guess I was not either. Maybe I kneed him and don't even remember. I hope so._

_April 18, 1862 I walked to school today with Billy and I didn't see Roland on the way. That was a relief. Billy asked me if I was bruised and I said yes. Billy said Roland wasn't home for supper last evening, but he came down from his room for breakfast. It was obvious he had been drinking alcohol and had a hangover._

"_I just hope he doesn't get kicked out of school. Pa will be so mad," Billy said._

"_Well, at least my fight with him was at your house and not in school," I said._

"_Why do you lose your temper like that, Stefan? It's more than just getting angry at someone."_

"_I don't know. Once it takes over, I can't stop. It's sort of scary," I admitted._

_At school Ilana was absent again. It worried me. John was there, still looking worried himself. Roland was there and he had nothing to say to me. He looked right past me like I didn't exist. Nobody but Billy and Roland seemed to know that I had been in another fight. By the end of the day nothing had changed._

_This evening I decided to write to Damon and tell him about the fight. I just told him that for the second time I had been in a fight in which I had lost control. I said everything seemed to go red and I was unaware of what I was doing until someone broke up the fight. I couldn't remember if I had told him about the first time, but I didn't mention the occasion. In fact, I said little about this second occasion. Mostly I told him I was worried about my uncontrolled temper._

_I included other news and then finished the letter saying I hoped he was all right. Father will take the letter to town to go out in the Saturday mail. It could be quite a while before we get a letter back from Damon._

A/N I think I have exhausted the Ilana issue. I'll have to think of some other activity or problem Stefan has to deal with. Any suggestions? Feedback inspires me, so please comment.


	30. Chapter 30

_Chapter 30_

A/N Again, I want to thank all you readers. You make me happy.

_April 19, 1862 I wanted to spend this Saturday morning riding with Billy and Ford, but Father insisted I help him with the ledgers. I was disappointed, but I didn't argue with him. I wondered why he couldn't have asked me last evening. We could have had all the entries done, but he was reading and drinking a lot. So I got stuck in the house most of this morning. He didn't have some of the figures right and we spent quite a while trying to figure out what was wrong. We finally did. _

_I think it is sort of sad when my father has to have a fourteen year old boy get his ledger straight. I wouldn't feel so angry about it except that it wouldn't happen if Father didn't drink so much sometimes. I think the gout in his foot is coming back. When it starts to hurt, he drinks more. He also eats more. He put away a big beefsteak for supper last night. It was good fresh meat from the butcher in town and I liked it too. He has put on weight. I usually don't notice that sort of thing, but he has developed a bit of a paunch. I think that is the word for big belly. Maybe that is the usual thing for a man of his age. He was forty seven years old this past March. He's getting old, I guess._

_April 21, 1862 I saw Ilana in town today. Billy and I went to the mercantile store after school and she was there with her mother. I decided to go speak to her, especially since we were only about ten feet apart and her mother saw me. Anyway, I pretended nothing was wrong between us and said hello to both of them. I would have been rude not to. I told Ilana that I missed seeing her at school. _

_She was a bit shy about talking to me, but she did greet me politely and she said she was being schooled at home by her mother. Mrs. Fishman nodded. The woman was keeping an eye on me. What did she think I was going to do? I would never embarrass Ilana by saying something inappropriate right there in the store. There were other people around, including Billy. Of course, Billy knew about John, but he didn't say anything either. He pretended to be really interested in a bolt of calico cloth, which I found amusing. He has no interest in cloth._

_In a minute he and I moved away to another part of the store. That was a relief, but I still felt sorry for the girl and wished we could go back to the way things used to be between us. I enjoyed our drives and horseback riding lessons and our regular chats that didn't include "the Problem."_

_May 7, 1862 A strange thing happened today. Alan Lockwood is home from college. The school term isn't over yet but he is injured. He was shot in the leg two days ago. How strange that his parents thought he was safe from getting hurt in the war, and then he gets shot by a robber. Carlton told me what Alan told them._

_Apparently it happened at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville where he is studying. He shares a fraternity house with some other students and someone broke in to rob the place. The man had a gun and he fired at Alan and another student when they caught him at it. Alan knew there was a gun in a desk and he grabbed it and fired at the man. Both of them hit each other. _

_The robber died from bleeding. Alan's wound is in the muscle of his thigh and it did not hit bone or a big blood vessel. He is lucky. The doctor that treated him said he would heal well if the wound didn't fester. We all are praying that it does not go the way of Daniel's. The Lockwoods already lost their oldest son Richard to illness._

_What is strange is that Carlton said his parents seem frantic about Alan and he doesn't know why. I talked to him at school and he told me this. If Alan is going to recover, why get frantic? Do they know something about Alan that might interfere with his healing? Is there a weakness in the Lockwood family? Carlton doesn't know of anything, but maybe there is._

_May 10, 1862 I went over to the Lockwood house this morning along with Billy. We went to see Alan. Carlton let us into the house and took us to his brother. He was sitting in the sun on the back porch with his leg propped up on a stool. He looked a little pale to me, but he grinned at us and greeted us. He assured us that the wound was healing, but it was really sore. The pistol shot had passed through the muscle on the outside of his thigh._

_Alan is Damon's age. They were good friends as children. I remember seeing a lot of Alan when I was young. All Damon's childhood friends are men now. Looking at Alan now I can see that he is afraid of something. There is a hint of it in his eyes, even though he joked with me and Billy and Carlton. Maybe his leg hurts more than he says. Maybe it is just that he realizes how close he came to being killed._

_May 13, 1862 Today was not fun at school. I dropped my lunch on the floor and a girl accidentally stepped on it. Billy shared part of his with me. My pencil lead broke in the middle of a test. I smeared ink all over a paper I was writing. I got up to write a sentence about public service on the blackboard and I spelled public "pubic." Everyone who caught the misspelling and knew what it meant laughed. I was so embarrassed._

_Then on the way home, I was talking with Billy and not watching where I was going and I tripped on a rock and fell in a mud puddle. Billy laughed and when I swore at him, he laughed harder. When I got home I snuck in the back door so I could wash up before Father saw me. Of course, Father saw me. He asked how I could get muddy, even on my face and hair, and I explained. I guess my tone of voice was sarcastic. He had been drinking and he suddenly slapped my face. I was taken by surprise._

"_Don't use that tone of voice to me!" he shouted. _

_All I could do was apologize. I hurried by him and up to my room. It was not the first time he had slapped or hit me, but it is rare. It was not like the many times he hit, punched or even whipped Damon. I know better than to be sarcastic to him, and besides, I'm not a sarcastic person by nature. _

_Not like Damon. When he was upset, he would say almost anything to Father. I remember one time looking at Damon's eyes and I could tell he was going to make a cutting remark. He knew he would be hit or whipped, but he did it anyway. I know he hated to be whipped. I know it hurt him badly and he dreaded it, but still he did things or said things that invited punishment. He and Father sometimes seemed to hate each other strongly, and yet I don't know. I know they are not of the same blood, but things could have been different. I'm just glad that they are on friendlier terms now._

_I seem to have gotten off track here. I was writing how many things went wrong today. When I went down to supper, Father scowled at me. He had not told me to stay in my room, so I figured I would get supper. I was really hungry. Sooner, who was putting dishes of food on the table and serving the soup, put everything down at Father's end of the table. That wasn't odd, because he got his food first. But when she prepared to serve me, Father told her not to give me anything except some corn bread._

_I looked at him and asked why I couldn't have the meat and greens. He looked at me with a drunken grin and said I was still being punished for my sarcastic attitude earlier. I apologized, but it didn't do any good. So all I got for supper was a glass of milk and corn bread with as much butter on it as I could get away with._

_So here I am in my room writing. I sincerely hope tomorrow is a better day._

_May 14, 1862 Today was better at school than yesterday. Thank heavens for that. _

_Last night was odd. Well, for one thing, I was hungry and my stomach kept growling. I had trouble falling asleep. Then I heard a dog howling. I knew it sounded odd. It wasn't a hound. They sound different when they are hunting or baying. This was a different sound. _

_I got up and looked out my window. There was a full moon so that the yard was lit. I didn't see any dog, but I saw Silas the stableman out in the barnyard with a lantern. He had a pitchfork in his hand. The howl came again, but it was farther away. Silas returned to the house. He has a room with his wife Cook. A howl came again. So lonesome. It sent shivers up my spine. It seemed to fade away as the dog moved farther away, I guess._

_In the morning, Cook came and mentioned it to Father at breakfast. _

"_It was a wolf," she said. "Silas says he knows a wolf when he hears one."_

_Father admitted he had not heard anything. Of course, he was sleeping off a drunk and was likely dead to the world. He said he didn't think there were any wolves left in this part of Virginia. Maybe in the mountains. He wasn't sure. I think maybe Cook and Silas are right. The howling didn't sound like a normal dog to me. I wonder why a wolf has come here. It's kind of scary._

_I told Billy what I had heard and he said he had heard it too, except he thought it was a dog. His father had been up and he heard it too. Billy said his father looked worried about it, but he didn't explain why. Perhaps he was worried it was a rabid dog and therefore dangerous. I told Billie Silas was sure it was a wolf._

_We happened to mention it to Carlton and he too had heard it. In fact, he said his father had taken his gun and gone out into the night. He hadn't come back for so long that Carlton had gone back to sleep. At breakfast, his father said he had not found the howling dog. Carlton also said Alan was not feeling well and didn't come down for breakfast. I hope Alan's wound is not festering._

_May 15, 1862 Carlton told me and Billy that his brother is feeling much better and is going to go back to school. He will leave on the coach bound for Charlottesville tomorrow. His parents are concerned for him, but he wants to be able to finish his studies and graduate with his class. I'm glad he feels up to doing that._

_I didn't hear the dog/wolf last night. I'm glad. Hopefully it went back to the mountains._

A/N I'm sure you all realize that as a Lockwood, Alan carries the werewolf trait. Unfortunately, he killed someone, which activated it. His parents knew. They were unable, with such short notice, to chain him up sufficiently before his transformation on the full-moon night. His werewolf powers speeded up the healing of his leg.

I hope you liked this idea. Please comment. I need inspiration.


	31. Chapter 31

_Chapter 31_

A/N Thanks to you all for reading the Journal. I am having such a hard time coming up with things for Stefan to write about. I know some everyday stuff can be boring. Thanks to Hannah(guest) for the review and suggestion. I'll see what I can do.

_May 20, 1862 There is a lot of talk everywhere, including in school, about what is going on near Richmond and Williamsburg. There have been northern troops near there with some bit of fighting. It looks like the Yankees want to take Richmond and drive out or capture President Davis. I think maybe Gramma Remington was smart to get the children out of Richmond. That dream she had of fire may come true. I hope not._

_Anyway, Father and I are hoping that Damon is being as careful as possible. Being in the Virginian army, he is likely to end up defending Richmond. It must seem strange to him to have all those soldiers running around the area where he spent time both in college and visiting the Remingtons._

_May 21, 1862 I got a letter from Damon today. It looks like he wrote it right after he got my last letter. He referred to my comment about losing my temper. He didn't say much because he knows Father reads the letters. I had asked him not to mention that I had fought with Roland. _

_What he wrote surprised me. He said he was not surprised about the incident. He said he had seen it happen about nine years ago. Nine? I must have been five or six years old. I don't remember seeing red and losing my control at that age. I will have to ask him the next time I see him. Now that will prey on my mind. What was he referring to?_

_He wrote his letter while they were on the move heading east. I suppose that means he will be over on the peninsula where the soldiers are shooting at each other. I wish he could have stopped by home on the way like he did before. I surely miss him._

_May 30, 1862 Another rainy day. Willow Creek is running really high and it has flooded into part of one of our hay fields. The Misty River that goes by town is nearing a dangerous level. Father says workers have been shoring up Wickery Bridge and Moore Bridge. If Wickery Bridge washes out, we would be cut off from Charlottesville. Neither the stage coach nor any freight wagon could get through. _

_Silas drove me to school and we picked up Billy on the way. This is the last day of school and I am ready for freedom and summer. Billy says Roland is going to enlist in the army any day now. There will be the graduation ceremony for the seniors first and this time he will graduate. _

_I remember when Damon graduated. I was so proud of him. Father was there and he seemed relieved that at least Damon had finished high school. He is smart and clever, my big brother, and he has a great sense of humor. It's too bad that he wasn't really interested in studies at college. Perhaps after the war he will find a sense of direction, as Mr. Gilbert says of Roland._

_I have no idea what I want to be after college. I may find something I am really interested in, but I suspect I will be right here managing this farm. That's all right. I will find a wife and raise a family. Maybe we'll have ten children like the O'Tooles or thirteen like the Marshalls. But sometimes I think of the fact that Mama died from the birth of Peter. A person just never knows what the future holds._

_Billy says it will be wonderful to have Roland gone away. He may find that after a while he misses his older brother. Since Lindsey has a place of his own, there will be only Billy and Amy at home, along with their parents and the Irish couple, of course._

_May 31, 1862 Mr. Gilbert was over here visiting Father. They are as good friends as Billy and I. Anyway, I heard them talking. The northern general McClellan is still trying to take Richmond or to starve them out, I'm not sure which. Our general Johnston has been wounded, according to the telegraph news, and General Lee has replaced him. Also General Jackson. All that means to us is that Damon is there. I will say a prayer for God to keep him safe._

_June 8, 1862 Damon's birthday. He's twenty two. I wish he was here to celebrate. The two armies are still faced off around Richmond. Mr. Gilbert says it must be a logistical (?) headache to feed all the men on both sides. He says it is estimated that McClellan alone will have at least 90,000 men. There's a herd of cattle there for the beef. I wonder how much pasture it takes to feed a large herd of cattle. And there must be horses for the officers and cavalry and to pull the big guns._

_I wonder how many men our side has there. I know they are not all in Richmond. They sort of formed a wall around the city. They must have horses and cattle too._

_July 2, 1862 The news is that General Lee has saved Richmond. The Union soldiers have been driven east down the peninsula and away from Richmond and Williamsburg. I guess they will have to all get on boats to escape. The horses and cattle too?_

_A scary thing happened this evening! I was walking back from Billy's house and it was starting to get dark. It's not far between our two houses. I walk in the road unless a wagon is coming and I never worry about meeting someone dangerous on the way. I guess I could, some highwayman or something._

_Anyway, there are a bunch of bushes just down the road from Billy's house and I heard a sound like a groan. It startled me as I thought someone was hurt and lying over there. I went closer and heard someone moving, like thrashing around. Of course I was alert, but if someone was hurt, I wanted to know so I could go for help._

_I went around the bushes and I saw that it was two people standing close together. I realized by her dress that one was a woman and it looked like she was hugging and kissing the man. That embarrassed me. I didn't want to interrupt what they were doing, but then I realized the man's arms were just hanging down. He was not hugging her. She was holding him up and it was he who was moaning._

"_Hello," I managed to say. "Do you need help?" I didn't go closer._

_The woman turned to look at me and I nearly fell down with shock. Her eyes were glowing red and she had blood on her mouth! There was still enough light for me to see her teeth and I know fangs when I see them. Like dog fangs when it is angry and snarling. Right then I realized that the stories were true for certain. There were vampires among us!_

_The man seemed to struggle weakly to get away while the woman looked at me. She actually hissed at me! She still held the man close. Thinking back now, I suspect she was not finished taking his blood and wanted to continue. Anyway, I found my legs and ran like crazy for home. I suppose she could have stopped me. She could have killed me! But she didn't. I ran screaming in the front door of our house and went to the library where Father usually is._

"_Vampire, Father!" I screamed at him. "A woman vampire just down the road! She was taking blood from a man, from his neck. I think it was Burton Carter! Hurry, Father. Grab a weapon and go save Mr. Carter!"_

_Well, Father wasn't very fast. His foot is swollen with gout and all bandaged up. He is using a crutch to hobble about. And he had had a few drinks since supper. He did get to the shelf where the stakes were and the cross bow, but he seemed uncertain which to take. Our servant Joshua had come to the library, but I could tell he was afraid and was not about to go outside where some vampire was feeding._

_By the time Father had decided to take a pistol with a wooden bullet, the vampire surely could have finished with Mr. Carter and run away. He hobbled to the front door with me by his side and he asked where I had seen the attack. From the front porch I pointed toward the bushes down the road. It was darker by then. Father said he couldn't walk that far and he ordered Joshua to take the gun and go down the road. I swear Joshua looked a pale shade of gray and his eyes were huge. He was as scared as me, maybe more so._

_He begged Father to not make him go._

"_I think she must have finished taking Mr. Carter's blood," I told Father. "I imagine she has run off by now. Joshua, I'll go with you. Mr. Carter may be lying on the ground needing help."_

"_He's probably dead by now," Father growled. "Stefan, go get one of the stakes."_

_I ran back to the library and grabbed a wooden stake and then joined Father and Joshua on the porch. What was I supposed to do with the stake? I'm sure I don't have the strength to push it into someone's body._

"_Stefan, if the vampire is still there, you threaten her with the stake. I don't expect you to be able to kill her. She won't think you can either. But even if you stabbed her arm with it, it would hurt her and distract her and maybe Joshua can shoot her in the heart," Father said and he glared at Joshua, who shook his head "yes." _

_I was surprised Father would hand a loaded pistol over to a slave, but I guess he trusts Joshua._

_So Joshua and I hurried down the road. We were both afraid and we stayed close together. When we came to the bushes we could still see enough to make out Mr. Carter lying on the ground. He wasn't dead yet. We could tell because we could hear his breathing. He sounded like he had just run a mile. There was no woman vampire anywhere around. I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm sure Joshua did too._

_When it looked like we were safe, Joshua put away the pistol and bent down to lift the man up. Mr. Carter was awake and he was confused. He kept asking what happened? He was barely able to walk as Joshua hauled him along the road to our house where Father and Cook and Sophie were waiting on the porch._

_I kept looking around, looking back the way we had come. What if she was watching us somewhere? What if she wanted to attack? If she was watching, she would know where I lived now. I was really scared. _

_While the adults took care of Mr. Carter, I stood back out of the way. Still, I was able to see the puncture marks on his neck once some of the blood was wiped away. He was hardly bleeding any more and he was really pale. They had him sitting on a chair and I thought he would feel better lying down. I kept my mouth shut._

_Actually, once they had him a little cleaner, they let him lie down on the sofa. I guess no one wanted him to get blood on the good sofa's fabric. It was obvious that he could not remember what had happened._

"_Why can't he remember?" I asked Father. "He was awake. He must have seen her and felt her biting him."_

"_Vampires can influence your mind," he said. "If the vampire mesmerizes you and tells you something, you believe it. That way they can make you forget what happened or what they looked like. You saw her, son. Could you recognize her if you saw her again?"_

"_I think so. I'm not sure," I admitted. Personally, I think I would be afraid to point to some woman and say that was her. Surely she would be angry with me. I'll bet she would think of revenge. My only hope is that she wwill leave the area and I will never lay eyes on her again._

_Father turned to Joshua and told him, "Joshua, go to the barn and find Silas. Tell him to go to town and find Sheriff Forbes. Have the sheriff come here as quick as he can. But he must be quiet about the vampire. We don't want the townsfolk to panic. Only the sheriff must know."_

_Joshua ran off to find Silas._

"_Father, how many people know there really are vampires?" I had to ask._

"_Not many, Stefan," he said. "There is a group of us who know and hunt down any vampire we learn of. One or two come to town every now and then. Don't worry about it. Either this female will be hunted down or she's fled the area already."_

A/N So Stefan has had his first real encounter with an awake vampire. Did you like it? Has she left the town? I haven't decided yet. Comments?


	32. Chapter 32

_Chapter 32_

A/N Thanks for reading and the reviews.

"_Search"_

_I prayed she was gone. Father then told me to go to the barn and tell Joshua to go get Mr. Gilbert. I thought he should have told Joshua to tell Silas that, but I think Father was not thinking too clearly. I wish he didn't drink so much. I want to be able to rely on him to make the right decisions, especially where vampires are concerned._

_I took the stake with me as I went to the barn. Both Silas and Joshua were there. The horse was saddled and Silas was ready to ride off. I yelled for Silas to wait a moment and I told him that Father wanted Mr. Gilbert notified, too. Silas said he would stop at the Gilbert house first. He then set off from the barn with the horse at a gallop._

_Joshua, holding a lantern, shook his head. He was still afraid. I told him I thought we all would be all right now. He seemed to relax a bit, although I don't know why he would believe a boy my age. Maybe it was because I was waving the stake around like I meant to use it, should the vampire show herself. We walked back to the house together._

_Mr. Carter was sitting up on the sofa, a drink of whiskey in his hand. He was pale, but he seemed all right. I guess the vampire did not take a lot of blood. Cook was holding a cloth to the side of his neck. She moved it away and we all could see that the two wounds had shrunk down to small marks. Father questioned him again and he still did not recall being attacked. He said he was walking along the road toward his home, which is farther down the road from us. He didn't know what happened after that._

_I noticed that Father did not tell him he had been bitten by a vampire. Instead, he said it looked like an animal bite. I guess Mr. Carter is not in on the secret. When Mr. Gilbert arrived, he had a crossbow. Father met him on the porch and I was there. The two men talked in whispers and Mr. Gilbert questioned me. When the sheriff arrived, it was the same. The only person at the house who didn't know it was a vampire attack was Mr. Carter, and no one told him._

_The sheriff and Mr. Gilbert took lanterns and went to where the attack took place. I was glad they didn't insist I go with them. Father had Silas get a buggy ready and then Silas drove the man home._

"_What will we do if they don't find that woman?" I asked Father as I followed him to the library. He poured himself a fresh drink. _

"_If they don't find her tonight, they might search for hiding places tomorrow," he said. "Maybe you can walk around town tomorrow with the sheriff and look at people in the stores or on the sidewalk. It is said there are vampires who can walk around in the sunlight, but I've never seen one. It's always at night that they are on the prowl."_

"_I don't think I would know her, Father," I told him. "She had dark hair, but that is all I could tell. Her face was all distorted and her fangs were bared. And her eyes were glowing like a cat's eyes, only red." It made me shiver just to describe it._

"_Well, the sheriff might ask you to go with him to saloons tonight or tomorrow night. If so, you will go with him."_

"_I don't want to, Father," I said. I think I whined a bit._

"_You will," he said firmly._

_I came up to my room and kept my lamp lit. I am writing this and my hand is not as steady as usual. It is full night out there and it's dark because of clouds. I think I won't be able to go to sleep tonight._

_ July 3, 1862 I am writing this after breakfast. Things did not seem so scary when I got up this morning because the sun was already up. I didn't sleep well last night, of course, even though I kept my lamp lit and turned down low. I even pulled the curtains closed in my bedroom windows because I was afraid the vampire would somehow rise up and look in the window at me. I almost wanted to ask Sophie to bring a couple of blankets and sleep on the floor of my room, but I would be too embarrassed to suggest such a thing. I'm not a little child anymore._

_I'll never forget that vampire's face. I wonder who she was originally. Is she someone who lives around here? Or did she used to live around here? Or do vampires wander around from place to place, always hungry, always looking for someone they can feed from? I was surprised that Mr. Carter was not killed. Apparently vampires do not always kill. I suppose that is good news._

_ Sheriff Forbes did not make me go to town and look for a woman who looks like the vampire. I was relieved about that. Of course, he still might today or tonight. I am going to go over to Billy's house after lunch and tell him what happened. I suppose he knows his father was out looking for the vampire last night._

_Well, what do you know. Billy just walked into my bedroom. I'll write more tonight._

_I'm back. It's night time now. Billy stayed for a while and we had quite a talk about what I saw. We both are concerned because there is no doubt that there are vampires around. We have been assured that they only come out at night and we have been ordered by our fathers not to be out at night until it seems the vampire has moved on._

_Then, this evening after the sun had set, along came the sheriff and he took me to town. I suppose I was safe in his company. His oldest son Everett was with us. I noticed that both of them carried wooden stakes in their pockets and I was told they had an extra pistol which had a wooden ball in it. I honestly can't say that it all made me feel safer._

_We went into several places of business, including one store and three saloons. The sheriff told folks that I had seen the person who had stolen Mr. Carter's money after he was attacked by an animal. The truth was that I didn't know Mr. Carter's money was gone. I guess the vampire took it. I suppose vampires can't find gainful employment, as Father calls a job, and has to rob people._

_Going into the saloons was a new experience for me. The sheriff said the person he was looking for was a dark-headed woman. He insisted that all women in the place come forward. I learned that there are women of ill-repute working upstairs in the saloons and also in a house outside of town. They were wearing interesting clothes. Something no moral woman would wear. It crossed my mind that poor Ilana could end up in a place like that. I pray it never happens to her._

_After two hours, the sheriff took me home. I had not seen the woman who had attacked Mr. Carter. Or maybe I did and I didn't recognize her. Is that good or bad? Will she come after me because she thinks I might remember her or will she realize that I can't identify her? Or maybe she is miles from here and will never come back. I hope so._

_Father, of course, questioned me. Was I sure I didn't see her in the places we went? I told him I didn't recognize her anywhere. _

"_Be sure not to invite any woman into the house that you don't know, Stefan," Father instructed me. "A vampire can't come in unless invited."_

"_Then how could she have been in the saloons?" I asked him._

"_Because those are public places. I am speaking of a private home. You have to be careful. A clever vampire might pretend to be a traveling salesman or a woman needing help. But it would be at night."_

"_But didn't you say you had heard some of them can come out during the day?" I asked. That especially worried me._

"_It's just something Mr. Gilbert has heard and he told me. He has never seen one in the daylight. He's never met anyone who has seen one either. It's probably just an old wives' tale."_

_Well, I still don't find that too comforting._

_July 4, 1862 It's morning. Again, I had a hard time sleeping last night. I did the same as the night before. I kept the lamp lit and the curtains drawn. Nothing happened. _

_Father must not be too worried about the creature. In the past he has never warned me about such things. He's never insisted I be in the house before darkness comes. It must be that vampire sightings are very rare. How wonderful that I got to see one. I am being sarcastic here._

_Well, it's nighttime now. Father and I and the Gilberts have been to the fireworks for the Independence Day celebration. I saw Ilana with her parents. I saw Mr. Carter and his family there. He seems to be all right now. No ones that I saw this evening seemed to be the least concerned about what happened to him. It's almost as if it didn't happen._

_I remembered that Damon had written once that he had spent some time as a sentry at night. He said the army always posts sentries because you never know when the enemy might be sneaking around. Now I wonder if a sentry, all alone on the outskirts of the army camp, might ever be the victim of a vampire. Or what about the injured men lying in a hospital tent after a battle? Does the smell of blood or the helplessness of the injured ever lure a vampire? It's an ugly thought._

_I asked Father how we could tell no vampire was walking around in the crowd. He said we could not tell. He told me to forget about the incident, that apparently the creature was gone away. Forgetting is not as easy as he says._

_July 10, 1862 I have gotten over the scare from back on the third of this month. I feel safe again. I even went riding with Billy, and I got back after dark. Silas took care of my horse and I walked to the house. The yard was well-lit because of the moon being just about full. I feel like the night is a beautiful place with the call of owls and the chirp of the crickets._

_July 11, 1862 I spent a great day with Billy and my other friends. We went fishing and swimming. It's odd, though. Tonight as I was walking home from Billy's house where I had supper with his family, I could swear I heard that wolf howling again. I think there is something about the full moon that must make the wolf howl. The sound is far away though._

_The wolf isn't the only one that likes the full moon. The mockingbird that lives in the tree by the kitchen was singing to beat the band tonight. I've heard him for a couple of nights. I guess the brightness of the night makes him sing. Of course, he sings in the daytime, too. Sometimes he sits on the dead branch in the tree and he feels so good he jumps up and down. Happy bird._

A/N I decided not to have the vampire harass or scare Stefan anymore. And no, I don't think it was Katherine. Or maybe it was. We know Stefan didn't know Katherine until she showed up two years later.


	33. Chapter 33

_Chapter 33_

"_The Cell"_

_ July 22, 1862 Trent Lockwood had a big birthday party today. His folks like to have big parties. I think they like to show off their place and that they have lots of money. I know they are one of the richest families in this part of the state. _

_ Trent turned seventeen years old, two years older than me, since I will be fifteen this year. He's quieter than his brother Alan. I remember Alan and Damon and their friends being pretty rowdy sometimes. Alan is home from college, of course. I heard he was learning something about his father's business, which is mostly running their plantation. I guess he recovered from the shooting. _

_Anyway, there was a crowd at the party, kids of different ages. Quite a few parents were there too, mostly sitting around drinking and talking. The Holstedt twins were there, Steve and Stefanie. I really like Stefanie. She is such a nice girl and so easy to talk to. Ilana was not at the party, so I felt free to talk to Stefanie. Not that Ilana has anything to say about it. I talk to whomever I want._

_Father and the Gilberts were there among the adults. If they talked about the vampire I couldn't tell. None of the kids asked me about the woman I saw "stealing" from Mr. Carter. Sure, they did ask right after the incident, but not since._

_An odd thing happened. I was with Billy and Trent and Steve, just walking and talking, and we were back in the woods on the Lockwood property. They have more land than we do and it extends close to town. I've been in their woods before, but not to the particular spot we were in. We came to a place where some steps went down into a hole in the ground. Neither Billy nor I had known that they were there. This time of year they are hidden by a bunch of bushes. Steve, being new to the area, doesn't know a lot about the land here abouts. However, Trent said he had found the steps by accident years ago, but he was warned not to go down there by his parents.. He never had until recently when he saw footprints that led to the bushes. It looked as if someone had been down there recently._

_Trent said that he had gone to the bottom of the steps but no father. The smell of an animal had made him wary (scared is more likely) and he had come back up. Now, with the three of us there and each of us carrying a piece of tree branch as a weapon, we eased down the steps. We pretended to be unafraid and we joked about monsters. It crossed my mind that a vampire could be hiding there. The idea made the hairs on my arms stand up. Did Billy wonder, too? So, we boldly went down the stairs to the dark bottom. What else would four boys do?_

"_Where do you think this goes?" Steve asked._

"_I don't know," Billy said, "but there is a cave system under part of this land. There's an entrance about a half mile from here to the north. Some men have explored it and they say there are signs that the Indians used to go inside. Me and Stefan have been inside just a little way."_

_That's true. It was cold and dark and damp. We didn't have torches so we barely went inside. I had no idea if the stone steps led down to the caves or maybe it was an old burial crypt._

"_Do you think there are bones down here?" Steve asked. I could tell he was nervous. His family comes from a big town and he isn't used to fields and woods. Or caves._

_I have to admit I was nervous too. There could be animals or bats or snakes. If it were winter, I would not even go down in a place like that. A bear could be hibernating or a nest of rattlers. They might be sluggish, but that didn't mean they weren't dangerous. I wasn't afraid of bats._

_As our eyes adjusted to the dim light from outside we could make out the walls. In my opinion, it was not part of the caves. It was definitely more like a crypt. Then we spotted what looked like heavy iron bars blocking the way. They looked like the bars of a jail cell._

_I went in the local jail once to see Damon when he got arrested for being drunk and making a public nuisance of himself. Father paid a fine and took me and Damon home in the buggy. I remember that when we got home, he punched Damon and gave him a black eye. Damon was angry and I thought they were going to get into a fight, but Damon had a hangover and didn't fight back._

"_This _is_ like a jail cell," I said to Billy. We made our way to the open cell door._

"_Or a cage," he said. "Remember that jaguar that was with a carnival that came to town a couple of years ago? That cage had strong bars so the cat couldn't break loose."_

"_I remember that," I said. "Remember how the cat pissed out through the bars and right onto Mr. Perkins and his wife? That was so funny!" _

_Damon once told me that I pissed from the stair landing onto a lady down in the hall, but I don't remember doing that. I don't think he lied to me about that. I must have been really little. I'm embarrassed just thinking about that._

"_Look at that!" Steve said, pointing. "Some animal must have been chained up down here."_

_He had spotted heavy chains attached to the walls. It was probably for some animal like a big cat or a bear. It could also be to punish a slave, although the chains seemed too heavy. I could see shackles and what looked like a collar. It was hard to tell because there was so little light._

"_What are you kids doing down here?" someone yelled at us, scaring all three of us half to death. It was Alan Lockwood. "Are you crazy? Get out of here right now. This place is crawling with rattle snakes!" he yelled at us. "Trent, you know better!"_

_Well, that spooked us and we ran for the stairs. In thinking back, I didn't hear one rattler. That place was odd. And how come Alan came down there looking? He must have seen us or heard us. We were certainly not quiet. I'm pretty sure people have been down there recently. I wonder why. The Lockwoods have a lot of slaves and I'm sure they punish one now and then, but the cell isn't close to the slave cabins or the fields. It's in the woods. Very strange. Of course, if I were a slave I'd surely hate to be chained up in that dark, damp place with rattlers slithering around._

_Billy, Steve, Trent and I went back to the yard where everyone else was. Alan followed us, scowling at us. I heard Trent ask him if he had ever gone down there with a torch.. Alan just said it was an old slave cell and their father didn't want them down there._

_The big picnic lunch was being served and our thoughts turned to food. I am always ready to eat. They had ham and chicken, potato salad and a lot of stuff. There were long tables and benches for us to sit and eat, plus there were other smaller tables and chairs. We had lemonade and iced tea and sarsaparilla to drink._

_The Lockwoods had plenty of ice, something we rarely have. So they also had fresh-churned ice cream. Mystic Falls has an ice house where they store ice cut in the winter. Mr. Gilbert took a bunch of us to his lake house one year so we could see men cut the ice. It was hauled in hay wagons into town where it was stored in the ice house. There sometimes isn't much left of it by the end of each August. I have seen the ice box the Lockwoods have. As long as there is ice to put in it, they can keep milk, eggs, butter and even meat cold right in the kitchen. The best we can do is keep such things in the spring house or eat it up quick._

_Another thing the Lockwoods have that we don't is the indoor privy. They still have their outdoor one, but now they have a room added onto the side of the house. Inside is the usual seat, but underneath there is no pit. Instead there is a pipe that goes to the cess pit and you have to dump water down to wash stuff away. The servants make sure there is a filled bucket and they sometimes do the dumping of the water. Trent showed me and Billy that there is a pipe like a stove pipe outside that sort of takes the smell away before it comes up the seat hole. The room has a nice basin for hand washing with soap and handy towels. The Lockwoods are so fancy._

_I ate so much at the picnic that I had no appetite for supper. Well, that's not true. I mean I had less appetite than usual. Cook make a light supper for me and Father. It's been a nice day._

_August 11, 1862 We received a letter from Damon today. He was at Richmond during the confrontation with the northern troops. He said General Lee seemed like a man who knew how to get things done. As I suspected, he told of places he had been before that have been ruined by the fighting. Canon fire had damaged some buildings and, like in most battles, trees were destroyed. Supplies of food coming into the city were limited, although the western side was open._

_Damon had a chance to visit with the Remingtons that were still in the city. The children are not there, of course. There was no big fire, so I guess my grandmother's dream was wrong. He gave a quick list of who was who still in the Remington family houses. They are our aunts and uncles and a few older cousins. As I mentioned, some of the people are in Philadelphia, both children and the younger parents. I surely wish I could go to Richmond and meet them, although I suppose during the war is not a good time. I hope this war is over soon._

_I've been writing a letter to Damon over the past two weeks. That makes a long letter, but he says he likes to get the news. I have been writing on one side and then turning the paper over and writing across the other way. Where the ink bleeds through it is hard to read, but I get more on the thin paper than otherwise. I just hope any letters I write reach him._

_ August 13, 1862 A group of us went on horses for a nice ride. There was Billy and I plus Barbara Ann, Trent, Melanie Travis and the twins Steve and Stefanie. I was especially happy to have Stefanie come along. She and her brother have their own horses now. After a while I noticed something that didn't make me happy. I saw Stefanie glance at Trent several times when he was not looking. I know he is good-looking. All the Lockwoods are. Since she is younger than him, I don't think he notices her. He seems to have eyes only for Melanie, who is his age. Well, isn't that wonderful. Sarcasm, there. I want Stefanie to glance at me, not Trent._

_ I tried talking to her and she seemed fine with that. She has a wonderful sense of humor, probably more than I do. I know I am a serious fellow, but I can laugh at a joke or a funny story. I don't know many jokes, though. I'm glad Damon isn't here. He is so handsome and knows jokes and _

_the ladies all notice him a lot. Of course, Stefanie is much younger than Damon, so I know he would not be interested in her._

_ Barbara Ann joined me and Stefanie and of course Barbara Ann can be so funny. Boy, does she know jokes and funny stories. She had Stefanie laughing in no time. Me, too, of course. I'm glad Barbara Ann's family moved back to Mystic Falls._

A/N I may not post any more of the Journal for a while. I need to think of more ideas. I should come up with something exciting, but Stefan's life is pretty mundane at this point. As for the cave with the cell, it is being used once a month by Alan, who is now a werewolf, but of course Stefan doesn't know about werewolves. Thanks to you all that have been reading this story.


	34. Chapter 34

_Chapter 34_

A/N I want to thank a couple of you especially for giving me a suggestion which I decided to follow to some extent. I hope everyone likes this turn of events.

"Listed"

_ August 16, 1862 Father and I are really worried about Damon. There still has been fighting over near Richmond and down the peninsula there. Word has reached town that men were hurt and killed because some barrels of gunpowder exploded. We don't know the details and I suppose there is no reason to believe that Damon was anywhere near that explosion. Father goes into town every day to see the new list that is posted of the men who were killed. There is also a list of local men who are seriously injured or missing. Once again we can only wait for Damon's next letter. _

_ August 17, 1862 Damon's name was on today's list! It was the list of the missing. We don't know what the story is except that he was at the explosion and he is listed as missing. What does that mean? Was he hurt and wandered off? Has he been taken to a hospital? Was he captured by the enemy? Did he get buried and no one knows where or that it was him? I don't know what to think, but my heart hurts. Maybe I should try getting drunk like Father is._

_ I feel like part of me is missing. Damon is a big part of my life. He has always been. I just can't believe his is dead. I think I would know. Damon said he would know if I died, but I think he said that just to make me feel better when I was sick. People really don't know when someone close to them has died. Still, Father and I have to hang onto hope. Damon, where are you?_

_ August 18, 1862 It's Thursday morning. I couldn't sleep last night. I worried and I even cried a little. I wish I knew the truth. If Damon is dead, I should cry a lot. But maybe he isn't. I hope someone is taking care of him if he is injured. What if his injury is really bad? He could be suffering and on his way to dying. If we knew where he was, perhaps Father and I could go to him. If he dies, he should be buried here in the place where Mama lies. If he is dead, is he in heaven with Mama? It's terrible not knowing._

_ Father is taking this poorly. I can't blame him, but I don't really understand how Father feels about Damon. He raised Damon as his son and he should love him like he loves me, but he doesn't. He has been harsh with him until recently. Damon once told me that Father used to love him. When he was little and the only child. I suspect Father switched his love to me when I was born because I am his natural son. That really wasn't fair to Damon._

_ That idea makes me feel a little guilty even though I know it isn't my fault. What was it like for Damon to have a baby brother who got all the attention? Babies do get a lot of attention. They need it. Even though little Peter was with us for just a short time before he went to Richmond, I know he was constantly looked after. I remember that Mama lay in bed and held him a lot before she passed. She paid more attention to him than me and I vaguely remember feeling jealous and left out. I guess that was the second time for Damon._

_ But I know Damon loves me. If he was jealous and resented me when I was little, I guess he got over it. If Peter had stayed, would both Damon and I have treated him badly? I hope not. Of course there are thirteen years between Damon and Peter. Maybe Damon would have just ignored him. Would I? I doubt it. I'm only six years older than Peter, or there abouts. I don't know why I am writing this. I am reminiscing as if Damon is dead. I will not believe it until there is proof!_

_ It's later now. Father is so drunk he can't get out of bed. Joshua told me he put Father to bed late last night and he hasn't gotten up yet today. Our overseer Mr. Stubb came to the house to see Father about one of the slaves. I had to tell him Father was unable to talk to him and he had better handle the situation himself. The slaves are busy with the hay fields this time of year. I just hope Mr. Stubb doesn't kill the problem slave._

_ August 19, 1862 Father managed to go into town today. He wanted to see if there had been any correction to the list. He came home and said the list had been added to. He also told me that the Caplins had heard that their son Jacob had been wounded and was coming home. He was serving with Damon and he might know something about what happened to my brother. Father and I hope so._

_ August 20 Jacob Caplin is home. Father and I went to see him. He has a mangled right hand, but it was not cut off because no bones were sticking out. He might be able to use it when it heals. He also has a broken knee cap and can hardly walk. He said he can't hear well and there is ringing in his ears. He won't be going back to the army. _

_He also seems a bit confused. He said he was told it was because the blast of the explosion knocked him down and made him hit his head. He had not been knocked out though. Or at least not completely. He said he remembered that Damon was there and he thinks he remembers seeing Damon lying on the ground along with other men. He didn't know who was alive or dead when he was lifted up and carried to a doctor's tent. He didn't see Damon again._

_ That doesn't make us feel any better. If Damon was there and Jacob saw him, why is Damon listed as missing? Was he moved to a doctor's tent and they lost track of him? At least we know he was not taken prisoner._

_ Once we were home again, I went into Damon's room, not for the first time lately, and just stood there. Sophie was in there already, just standing there looking at the bed. It was made neatly, as it always is. Damon makes his bed sometimes when he is home. He always kept his room neat. I'm afraid I am a messy person._

_Sophie looked at me and she had tears in her eyes. She said she is praying for him. Sophie and some of the other servants and field slaves are quite religious. When Mama was alive I know she wanted our slaves to be Christians. She and the overseer used to go to the services held in the field, or the barn if it was raining. Mama believed the slaves should hear the word of the Bible and she would read it to them. I guess Mr. Stubb liked to hear her read, too._

_A white man was usually at such meetings just in case the preaching turned anti-slavery. Even though the slaves aren't like us white folks in many ways, and some people say they don't have souls, I think they are certainly people and do have souls. Mama believed that and I believed Mama. It's good that they are Christians. And so many of them can sing really nice. I like what's called spirituals._

_ As a group of people they are an unfortunate lot to be born into slavery. Slavery is a very old things. Mama said the Jews in the Bible were slaves in Egypt. Mr. Gilbert said even the wild Indians here in this country capture others and make slaves of them. He says God didn't mean for people to be slaves, but he, Mr. Gilbert, doesn't push for abolition. Father and a lot of other people think differently. I don't argue with him about it. We need workers here on the farm and that is that, Father says._

_ I seem to have gotten off track about Damon. I hope he is being taken care of. I hope we get word of him soon. I hope our prayers for him help._

_ August 21 It's late afternoon and I'm writing this. We received wonderful news earlier today, but the result is worrisome. Someone from town rode up to the house early this afternoon. He told Father that Damon was in town! He said Father needed to come get him because he wasn't right in the head. That scared both me and Father. We went to town as fast as Silas could hitch up the surrey. We were directed to the mercantile store where a group of people were gathered out front. The sheriff was there and he took Father and me inside._

_ Damon was there, in a corner, watching people. He looked very nervous, afraid, really. It frightened me to see the look in his eyes. Damon almost never looks afraid. No one wanted to go near him. Everyone knows that a few soldiers have come home and been dangerously unruly or get in a panic all of a sudden._

_ Damon was filthy. He had dirt on his face, hands and clothes. He hadn't trimmed his hair or his beard, so that he looked like a vagabond. I could see that there were traces of that black gun powder on his uniform coat and in his hair. There were a few speckles on his right cheek. There was dried blood on his face where it had run down from his scalp._

_I wondered how had he gotten to Mystic Falls? Where has he been? It's been seven days since the explosion._

_ "Damon, it's time to go home," Father said to him. "Come with me." When Father reached out for his arm, Damon pulled back a little._

_ Damon looked at him with an uncertain expression on his face. I could see that he didn't trust Father. I suppose it was because of the way Father has treated him in the past. It occurred to me that maybe I could help Damon. I slowly walked up to him._

_ "Damon, Father's not mad at you. Come home with us. I need you to come home," I said._

_ He let me get close and he looked at me. Some of his fear seemed to go away. He turned his head a little and it reminded me of Jacob and how he had trouble hearing._

_ "Will you come home with me? Please." I spoke a little louder and held out my hand to him._

_ He looked from me to Father and then at the other people staring at him. I kept my hand held out to my brother and he finally took it. I could feel that he was shaking a little. Hot as it was in the store, his hand was cold and damp. I know sometimes my hand does that if I am afraid. Why is he afraid? Is it because he is injured? Is he confused about what happened like Jacob says he is? It seemed to me Jacob understood what happened all right._

_ I turned and moved toward the door. I felt Damon hesitate for a moment so I stopped. Then he took a step and followed. Father put a hand out to touch him and Damon pulled back. Father withdrew his hand, but I could see his expression. He was annoyed. Everyone could see Damon didn't trust Father and I think that made Father embarrassed. I hoped Father would not lash out at Damon with words or grab hold of him._

_ Damon pulled his hand free of mine and I thought he would go back to the corner, but instead he took hold of my right upper arm. His grip was tight, but I didn't complain. I felt like he wanted to make sure I didn't walk away without him._

_ Father headed for the door and I followed with Damon close to me. Outside on the store's porch, Damon stopped and I looked at him. His eyes were closed and he had his other hand pressed to his forehead._

_ "Do you hurt?" I asked him and he nodded. He didn't say so, but I thought he had a headache. I suppose that was not a surprise, since he had the dried blood that had run down from his scalp._

_ A light rain had started as we walked to the surrey. Luckily, it had a top, so we would not get wet going home. Father got up in the front seat, but Damon got into the back seat and I joined him there. Sitting that close to him I could tell that he didn't smell good. Of course his uniform smelled of sweat, campfire smoke and gun powder, but he also smelled of piss. I looked and I could not see that his pants were damp, but I suspect he had wet himself as some time recently. Perhaps it had happened when he was knocked down by the explosion._

_ I wanted to ask where he had been for the week since the explosion, but I didn't think I should yet. I kept quiet. I took his hand in mine and he didn't pull it away. He rode in the surrey with his eyes closed and he looked pale and thin. I knew a man could walk from Richmond to our town in a week, but Damon was in no shape to do that. Could he have ridden the train? If so, he should have reached home before this. Maybe he had been so rattled by the explosion that he had not been thinking clearly._

_ Father did not drive to the front door of our house. He drove around to the back door by the kitchen. He stepped down and came to the side of the surrey where he reached up and took hold of Damon's arm._

"_We're home. Come on inside," he said._

_ Damon had his eyes open and he looked at the back door and then at Father. After that, he stepped down from the surrey. For a moment there I thought he would fall, but Father had hold of his arm._

"_He's either weak or dizzy," I said to Father._

_ "I can see that," Father said, his tone not very sympathetic. Did he think Damon was drunk? I know I couldn't smell any alcohol on him. Why can't Father show he cares about Damon?_

_ "Come on," Father urged, heading for the door and sort of tugging my brother._

_Damon stopped and resisted going further as the light rain sprinkled onto his dirty hair and a drop trickled down his face._

A/N I think I can get two or three chapters out of this. What do you all think?


	35. Chapter 35

_Chapter 35_

A/N I love you all for reading and commenting. I'll see if I can keep Damon home for a while.

_ "I need to use the latrine," Damon said, trying to pull his arm from Father's grasp._

_ "I'll take him," I told Father and I took hold of my brother's other arm. Father let go. Damon and I walked to the privy, which was not far from the back door. I told Damon not to lock the door because I was afraid he might fall down in there. He didn't even close the door while he relieved himself. I guess in the army the soldiers don't have privacy._

_ When he was finished, he barely buttoned his pants. I figured it would not make any difference because he was going to change clothes anyway. I took him to the back door again and we went inside. Father was there._

_ "Joshua is going to get him cleaned up," he said to me, almost ignoring Damon. "Cook is heating water for a bath."_

_ "I'll stay with him," I told Father. I wasn't about to leave him. Father walked off, I guess to the library._

_ Joshua had positioned the metal bath tub in the middle of the pantry. There was already a little water in it since Cook had had a pot of water on the fire. With the curtain drawn across the doorway, I helped Damon start to undress. More water was heated and handed to Joshua. The room was already hot, so there was no need for the bath water to be more than warm. _

_ Damon just stood there like he was in a daze and he let me and Joshua take his clothes off. He did stink. We all get sweaty in the heat of summer and we bathe once a week in the summer unless we have been swimming, but I don't think Damon had bathed in quite a while. The uniforms are made of wool, except for the shirt and long johns, so that doesn't help. Soldiers don't have much in the way of clothing because they have to lug it around if they aren't wearing it. I suppose they don't throw anything away until it is just rags._

_ Anyway, we got Damon down to bare skin and he climbed into the few inches of water that was in the tub. Although he washed his hands and arms and stared at his dirty fingernails, he didn't do much. Mostly he just did what Joshua told him to do, like close his eyes when Joshua poured a pitcher of water on his hair and then rubbed soap into it. Damon flinched and gritted his teeth when Joshua hit the injured spots, but he said nothing. It took two sudsings to get the dirt, gun powder and blood out of his hair. It took two more pitchers of water to get his hair rinsed clean._

_ We had to scrub his body, too. He just didn't seem to have the energy either to wash or to complain about being scrubbed. Joshua made him clean his crotch, though, and he made Damon stand up to clean his bottom. I was sort of surprised at Damon's patience with all that. Finally, Damon was as clean as he was going to get with that one bath. He had bruises on his body, especially on the front. He must have had his back to the explosion and then landed on the ground face down._

_ Sophie had brought a clean pair of drawers for Damon to put on, which he did with help. Then he was covered decently enough to walk out of the pantry. Cook had some food and drink for him set on the kitchen table. There are several stools there because she and the other house servants eat there and prepare the meals there. Damon sat on a stool and ate some food and drank two glasses of cold milk._

_ Father had come into the kitchen and he asked Damon some questions while he ate, but Damon didn't say much. He did say that he had enough money for a train ticket to Charlottesville so he had ridden one. From there he had walked to Mystic Falls. Father asked him if he knew how he got hurt and he admitted that he didn't have any idea. He thought maybe a bullet grazed his head. He said he had had a headache for days and he couldn't think straight. He got dizzy often and his ears were ringing. Since we had talked to Jacob, we could understand why Damon was having these problems._

_ I would have thought he would eat more than he did, but he soon said he wanted to lie down. I walked with him to the front hall and the stairway. _

_ "Can you make it up there?" I asked him. I had some doubts._

_ He nodded slightly and grabbed hold of the railing. With a lot of help from me and Sophie, who put a hand on his back and pushed a little, we made it up the stairs. He stopped at the top to catch his breath and then we walked to the north end of the hall and into his room. Sophie had removed the quilt from the bed. He didn't need it and there was no sense in him getting it dirty. He was still not really clean. Neither Joshua nor I had scrubbed his feet well and he had just walked barefoot from the kitchen to his bedroom. Also, Sophie had put a folded sheet on his pillow. I guess so his wet hair wouldn't soak the pillow._

_ He lay down on his back on his bed with what sounded like a sigh of relief. He put an arm over his eyes and asked Sophie to close the curtains, which she did. I think the light made his headache worse, even though it was a cloudy day outside. For a long moment both Sophie and I stood staring at him. Since he didn't have a shirt on, we could see how thin he was. I know he was thin when he was home months ago, but he was now really thin. Maybe the troops didn't get enough to eat. Maybe he had had nothing to eat on his odd trip home._

_ I came into my room and I have been writing what has happened. I think I will go downstairs and try to convince Father that Damon is not drunk, that he is hurt and needs comfort and sympathy. _

_Wait a minute. What is that?_

_ Back again. It was Damon. I went over to his room and he was kneeling on the floor throwing up into the pot from under the bed. Whatever he had eaten or drunk in the kitchen just came up. That is not good. I knelt down beside him to help hold the pot because his hands were shaking. When he was done, I set it on the floor close to him._

_ "The headache and the dizziness make me nauseated," he whispered. "I'm hungry and thirsty but I have a hard time keeping anything down."_

_ "I'm sorry," I said, still kneeling beside him._

_ "What? You'll have to speak louder, little brother. I don't hear well either."_

_ "I said I'm sorry you feel awful," I told him, my hand resting on his shoulder. His skin was damp and cold from being sick._

_ "I think I got shot," he said, feeling his scalp._

_ I stood up and looked at the wound in his scalp, but I could see it was a jagged cut and not very big._

_ "Damon, you didn't get shot. You were near an explosion that knocked you down and I guess it rattled your head."_

_ "I was? I don't remember that," he admitted._

_ I helped him stand up and get on the bed again. Sophie had come to the room. When she saw the pot, she left and came back in a moment with a clean one. She put a chair beside his bed and set the pot on it. He could reach it without getting out of bed. Taking the other pot, she left._

_ So, I came back to my room and I'm writing this._

_ I hear voices. I think Father and Dr. Lindsey are coming down the hall._

_ It's after supper now. I went over to Damon's room when the doctor came earlier. I stood by while Lindsey talked to Damon and examined him. He agreed with what I had already figured out. Damon's head was a bit addled from the explosion. He was indeed dizzy, confused, nauseated and had ringing of the ears. He had quite a headache. _

_He had not had enough to eat or drink. Lindsey wanted him to drink more water and eat some liquid food like broth. He said small amounts frequently so that Damon would keep it down. Father told Sophie to see to that and she nodded. I know she cares very much about Damon and will take good care of him. _

_I went downstairs with Father and Lindsey and we three talked. I was pleased that Lindsey seemed to convince Father that Damon's condition was real. He had not been drunk nor was he pretending to have the symptoms he had. We all know some men have come up with all sorts of excuses not to join the fighting or to go back to it if they recover from being injured. Some rich men have paid lesser men to fight in their place. I know Alan Lockwood's family has done that for him._

_ The doctor also talked to Father about notifying the army of Damon's whereabouts. They both agreed it had to be done. Lindsey said he would do it and explain Damon's condition._

_ Lindsey left medicine for Damon that might lessen his pain and let him sleep. It is probably the same medicine that helped me after I had my appendix removed. When I looked in on Damon a short while ago he was asleep. Sophie was sitting on a stool keeping an eye on him. She was doing some sewing while she sat._

_ There is still a hint of daylight outside. The sun has set behind the mountains and the rain clouds have mostly moved away. The clouds that are left are pink and purple. It's pretty. I am going to bed in a few minutes. I hope Damon sleeps well tonight. I feel relieved that he is here and safe._

A/N I hope you liked this chapter. I feel that Stefan is a smart boy and observant. He certainly has compassion and love for his brother. Do you think I am showing that all right?


	36. Chapter 36

_Chapter 36_

A/N Thanks, guys, for reading, following, etc.

_ August 22, 1862 I woke up a couple of times last night. I know it was Damon and Sophie talking that woke me. As ordered, she brought him water and broth to drink several times. I went over to his room once and watched him drink. He said he felt a bit better because of the medicine and being able to lie down and sleep. He may have felt better, but he didn't look it, especially by the light of the flickering lamp. In fact, I thought he looked awful. I'm not used to seeing him like that. It's like I hardly know who he is. It worries me._

_ This morning in daylight he looked the same. I guess I can't expect him to look a lot better after what he has been through, except for being cleaner. He insisted that the curtains be kept closed and I noticed that he winced when there was some shouting by a couple of the men outside. I peeked out the window and saw that one of the sheep that crops the front lawns had gotten loose and the men were chasing it._

_ Damon spent the day in bed, sleeping, drinking and sleeping some more. I know he pissed in the pot a couple of times. I happened to hear Sophie ask him if he moved his bowels. Only Sophie or Lindsey would ask a fellow that! Damon said no because he had not had anything solid to eat for days. I suspect he's going to find himself being dosed with that nasty castor oil before too long._

_ I caught the maid Sooner standing in the doorway to Damon's room. She was just looking in at him, but I think she likes to see him lying there without the sheet over him and just wearing his drawers. I wonder if she thinks about climbing into his bed like she does with Father now and then. _

_ Billy came over to the house to see me and to find out how Damon was doing. He came up to my room after Joshua let him in and he yelled for me. I hurried out of my room and hushed him, telling him that Damon had a headache and was trying to rest. Billy looked embarrassed because he should have guessed that, what with a sick person being in the house. _

_ We went downstairs and outside so I could tell him all that had happened. That way, our voices wouldn't wake Damon up. Or if he was awake, he could go back to sleep. I guess Dr. Lindsey had not been to the Gilbert house since he saw Damon, so they didn't know how he was. I told Billy I was really worried about my brother and that I wished I could do something to help him. In fact, while I was telling him this I got tears in my eyes. I think it is because I am afraid for Damon and I feel sorry for him and I don't know what to do._

_August 23, 1862 Alan Lockwood came over to our house today. I was downstairs when he arrived and I took him up to see Damon. On the way up I told him that my brother got his head rattled by the explosion. His head hurt and he couldn't hear well. Alan knew Jacob and had visited him also. He understood the problem._

_We walked into Damon's room and I wasn't sure he was awake. Sometimes he just lies there with his eyes closed and I can't tell._

"_Damon, are you awake?" I asked him in a soft voice, but not so soft that he couldn't hear me._

_He opened his eyes and looked at me. Then he saw Alan and he sort of smiled. He barely moved, but he greeted his friend and invited him to pull up a chair and sit by the bed. Actually, the closest chair still had a pot sitting on it. I took the empty pot and put it on the floor and Alan sat down. I left them to talk together._

_Damon and Alan were always such good friends. Like Billy and me. Both of them went to college, but of course Damon got dismissed a couple of times and ended up being a soldier. Alan has graduated now and I'm not sure what he plans to do. I know he does not plan to be a soldier._

_I heard he was wooing Sheriff Forbes' daughter Millie, but he might not be very serious about that. I mean, he hasn't been home much in the last few years because of being in college. Millie is seventeen or eighteen and just graduated from our school. Her brother Preston is two years older than me. He had infantile paralysis years ago and has one short leg. He wears a shoe that is built up. I don't think he will become a soldier if the war lasts a long time._

_I hope the war is over soon so that Damon won't have to be in the fighting. If his head does not clear up, will he have to go back and fight some more? That doesn't seem right. _

_August 24, 1862 I don't understand my father. He was proud of Damon while he was out there risking his neck on the battlefield, but he seems to find my brother an annoying burden now that he's lying in bed ill. Lindsey had told him Damon is truly injured even if he has no bloody wounds. Doesn't Father believe Lindsey? Does he think that Damon, who usually is always on the go doing this and that, is now lazy and wants to lie around?_

_Damon went downstairs today and got a bottle of Father's bourbon. He brought it and a glass up to his room and he drank about a third of the bottle. Yes, he got drunk and sarcastic. He also took some of the medicine. In no time he was so asleep he couldn't be woke up. I was worried about that and so was Sophie. Father was plenty upset about the liquor, but not about why Damon did that or that we couldn't wake him for hours._

_In my opinion, Damon is in pain and he's afraid. I think he doesn't know what is going to happen to him. Is he going back to the war? If not, what is Father going to make him do? It doesn't help Damon to have Father arguing with him._

_I used to think my father was a smart man who knew exactly what he was doing and what needed to be done. He handles the money and he runs the farm. He had the answers to my questions. Now, I'm not so sure. Since I help him with the books, I know the money isn't always handled right. I question Father's decisions sometimes, but I have to do it carefully._

_He has always drunk his liquor too much and he still does. He gets mean when he is drunk and when he has the gout. I hate to say it, but I think sometimes I feel as Damon did when he used to clash with Father about things. My respect for my father has sort of plummeted. Is he less smart or do I see him more clearly? He's getting old. He isn't old like Mr. Colton, but sometimes when he is limping around with his cane he looks old. And he has some gray in his hair, but mostly it's black. _

_Mostly I find his attitude old. When I hear new ideas at school, I sometimes tell Father about them. He scoffs at what I say sometimes as if it isn't important. The old ideas and the old ways are just fine with him. Up in Pennsylvania farmers are using horse-drawn machines to seed hay fields and rake the cut hay. Hay mowers are being developed like wheat reapers. I talked to Father about that and asked if we could see about one of those machines. He said what was the point? We have slaves to do all that. If it wasn't for the war, I think the inventers would be creating new things. I think it is exciting. Father doesn't._

_August 25, 1862 I went over to Damon's room this morning and found him standing by his window. Damon's room is like mine, we are on the north end of the house and we each have a window on the north side. I also have a window looking west, while he has one looking east. He was looking out the north one._

"_What do you see?" I asked him, going to stand beside him to look out the window._

"_No soldiers. No guns. No trees ripped apart by canon fire. It's quiet here. The ringing in my ears is not so bad and I can hear the quiet," he said. "I hate this war, little brother."_

_He put his arm over my shoulder. I liked that._

"_I don't blame you," I told him. It was another hot summer day. The leaves on the trees were hardly moving because there was no breeze. The windows in his room were open, as was the door, but almost no air moved. My room was the same with open windows and door. A small breeze came by, just enough to suck the curtain out the window a bit. Then the curtain drooped back inside._

"_Are you going to have to go back to the army?" I asked him._

"_I think so. After a bit. I know they expect it. I've seen men almost as bad as me with dizziness and ringing ears get sent back by the doctors or the officers. They do what they are told, but some of them are not right in the head. I've seen a few go crazy, Stefan. The killing is too much for them."_

"_Does it bother you too much?" I asked._

"_Sometimes. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to talk about it. All right?"_

_I nodded. I really wanted to know more, but I could see he didn't want to have to see it in his mind. A few times he has woken at night from a nightmare, yelling, and I wonder if he dreams of bad stuff he's seen in the war. _

_I probably could sign up and become a soldier. I'm young, but it's said that many soldiers look too young to be out there fighting. Father would try to stop me, I'm sure. I know I've heard that there are children in the war. There's a drummer boy. There are slave children who run supplies like gun powder out to the soldiers on the battle field. Maybe even white boys._

_I have mixed feelings about it. For one thing, the idea of being shot at or getting wounded, or dying slowly like Daniel did scares me. I don't want to lose an arm or a leg or go crazy. I don't want to see soldiers in that condition either. Am I a coward?_

"_Damon, do you think I should be out there fighting?" I asked my brother._

_He looked at me hard, but hugged me close._

"_No! Absolutely not!" he said with force. He sounded like Father. "I'm out there fighting to protect you and Father and this farm. I don't want the Yankees coming here and destroying this place. The battles destroy farms. Food and livestock get stolen. Some homes have been burned. The womenfolk can be in danger. You have to stay here and protect our home, Stefan. Help Father all you can."_

_He stopped hugging me, but he kept a hand on my shoulder._

"_I try. I do," I told him. I didn't know what more I could do. I help with the ledgers, but Father and Mr. Stubb take care of everything else._

_It suddenly occurred to me that more and more Cook and Sophie and Joshua ask me for permission to do such and such. They are not asking Father. _

"_You're young," Damon said, "but you got a good head on your shoulders. You're smart. So you watch over things, even if you have to do it behind Father's back."_

_I have a feeling Damon knows how things are with Father, that he drinks too much and sometimes isn't on top of things. Father doesn't go to town as much as he did, probably because he doesn't have to check the lists for Damon's name. As a result, he is home in the library drinking while he reads. He reads an awful lot of the time. Or he falls asleep in his chair._

_It seems like Mr. Gilbert comes over here to chat with Father more than Father goes to the Gilbert place like he used to. While I was standing there with Damon, I wondered if they ever talked about vampires. I suspect they do, but they don't include me in such talk._

"_Damon, did you ever see a vampire?" I asked him. I didn't speak it loudly and I hoped he could hear me. He had let go of me and was looking out the window again._

_He looked at me in surprise. "Why do you ask such a thing?"_

"_I saw one. A female. She attacked a man. Mr. Carter that lives down the road."_

"_Why do you think the woman was a vampire, Stefan?" he asked me. I realized the he was not as shocked as I thought he would be. He knew!_

"_I saw her eyes glow red and I saw her fangs, Damon. I ran to get Father." I told him about Joshua and me going to rescue Mr. Carter and about the sheriff taking me places. "I don't know if they killed the vampire or not."_

_Damon just stared at me. We were still at the window, but we had turned to face each other. Even though I have grown some, he is still taller than me. He's taller than Father by an couple of inches. Father slouches so often he seems shorter to me._

"_Did you ever see one?" I asked again._

"_Yes. A man in a bear-skin coat. I thought he was a bear, but I realized it was a man. He spoke to me and confused my thoughts, like I just imagined him. But the memory became more clear as time passed. And I think Father and Mr. Gilbert hunted him down and killed him. We aren't supposed to talk about vampires, Stefan. Most of the folks in town don't know they are real."_

"_I know that. Father told me."_

"_When did you see the female one?" he asked._

"_Last month. When did you see the one in the bear-skin coat?"_

"_I'm not sure. It was winter. I think you were about four years old," Damon said, frowning as he tried to remember. For a moment his blue eyes seemed to be far away._

"_That's ten years ago. I guess they don't come around here much," I said._

"_And that's a good thing," Damon said and he gave me that grin that I love.  
_

A/N Damon's condition is improving, but I will try to keep him on the farm for a while yet.


	37. Chapter 37

_Chapter 37_

A/N I still have Damon back on the farm. Thanks to you all for reading.

"_Brothers Just Talking"_

"_You're feeling better, aren't you?" I asked. I liked to see him grin, even if it only lasted a couple of moments and then was gone. As we stood there at his window, another breeze came alone. It must have come from down the hall because the curtains blew outward again. The moving air felt good._

"_Some," he agreed. "The dizziness is less, although sometimes if I turn too quick I feel like I'm going to fall down or throw up. I wish the headache would go away, but at least it's better. I can keep real food down now and it's moving through me."_

"_Did Sophie make you take castor oil?" I asked with a grin._

"_She did, indeed. You can't get anything by Sophie," he said and he really laughed a little._

"_How old do you think she is?"_

"_I don't know. She took care of me when I was a baby. I'm twenty two. I think she was fifteen when Father bought her to help Mama take care of me."_

_I added in my head and then said, "So, she must be at least thirty seven. I wonder if she ever wants a baby of her own."_

"_After raising me and you, probably not," my brother said, still joking._

"_Damon, can I tell you something Father admitted to me?" I asked tentatively. I wanted to bring up the subject of his natural father, but I didn't want to make him angry. "I don't want you to get upset."_

_He frowned at me and asked what I meant. When I hesitated, he urged me to go on._

"_One day when he was drunk and we were talking about this farm, he told me that he was not your real father. He said he told you that. Did he?" I was fearful that he really didn't know and would be shocked._

"_Yes, he told me a few years ago," he admitted. "He said my real father was an Irishman named Connor. He died just before he and Mama were to get married, but Mama was already expecting me. Father married her. I know he really liked me when I was young, Stefan. Until …"_

"_Until what?" I asked._

"_Nothing. It all happened a long time ago."_

_I couldn't imagine what he might have done to make Father dislike him. Surely back then he didn't resent the fact that Damon had a different father. He had already accepted that. I didn't press Damon for an answer, but I wondered._

"_We are still brothers, aren't we?" I asked._

"_Of course we are, Stefan. We are both the sons of Elizabeth Remington Salvatore. Brothers forever," he said and he gave me a hug._

_Both of us were damp with sweat. The weather is hot and damp and our clothes become saturated with sweat. The ladies call it "dewey" when their skin is moist, but it's really sweat. Damon was wearing his drawers and an undershirt because he was mostly staying in his room. _

"_I miss the cooler weather," he said and he peeled off his undershirt. I could see the faint scars on his back even though it had been years since Father had last whipped him. A sick feeling in the pit of my stomach always comes when I remember him being whipped until he cried._

"_I miss it too," I said. "Of course, in the freezing weather of winter we always say we wish it was summer."_

"_How true," Damon said with a chuckle. "We're just never satisfied. I suppose people have been saying that forever."_

_So, I have written what I recall of our conversation. I'm glad he is better. I'm glad I had the chance to mention the vampire lady and the father question. I'm glad he is happy with me as his brother._

_ August 26, 1862 Damon spent time in bed today. He said his headache is sometimes better, sometimes worse. Today I guess it was worse. I know he threw up his lunch, which is too bad because he has a good appetite. He has been eating in his room, but Father insisted he eat supper in the dining room with us. So he dressed properly and ate with us. He seemed to me to be careful about how much he ate, I suppose so he wouldn't get sick again._

_ Father asked him some questions and he answered simply. I know he doesn't want to get into an argument with Father, but the two of them annoy each other sometimes. Our parent asked him if he was planning to go back to the army and Damon said yes he was._

_ "When do you think that might be?" Father asked._

_ "As soon as I feel steady. You don't want me out there with a loaded gun and falling down with dizziness, do you?"_

_ "I certainly wouldn't want you accidentally shooting one of our own soldiers," Father said, frowning._

_ "It won't be much longer," Damon assured him. "I know you don't want me underfoot."_

_ "It's not that."_

_ "Then I don't know what you expect of me," Damon said, although he didn't raise his voice. "If my recovering here bothers you, maybe I can rest at the Lockwoods'. I can talk to Alan."_

_ "I won't have you boarding somewhere else. What would people think?"_

_ I had to say something. "Do you think people think Damon is just laying around to avoid going back to the war?" I asked Father._

_ "I don't know what they think. I want him to go back when he is up to it, so people won't think him a coward. However, I certainly don't want people to think I asked him to leave if he's not well," Father said, frowning at me._

_ "I'm not a coward!" Damon said, obviously feeling insulted. "I've been in battle like all the other men. Believe me, it's no fun facing several thousand Yankees shooting in my general direction. It's no fun seeing men blown apart by bombs. You've never been in that situation, Father, so don't judge me and suggest I'm a coward!"_

_ "I'm not suggesting that."_

_ "Yes, you are," Damon growled and then he got up from the table and stomped off._

_ I didn't get up and follow him, although I wanted to, so I sat there staring at what was left of my food. I didn't say anything and neither did Father. Why can't the two of them get along?_

_ "Finish your food, Stefan," Father said. "We can't afford to waste it. We're lucky we grow most of our own food, what with food harder to get."_

_ I knew that was true. A lot of food is shipped to the troops. Quite a few types of goods are getting scarce because the ports are blockaded. At least we have cotton and wool. Up in Charlottesville they manufacture uniforms for our men, but the South really doesn't have a lot of manufacturing. It used to be easy to get all sorts of things shipped down from the North on the railroads or on ships, but not any more. I wonder what the mills up north do without our cotton._

_ When I finished eating, I came upstairs and looked into Damon's room. He was sitting in a chair reading, his back to the window because it was still light outside._

_ "Do you think you could go riding tomorrow?" I asked him._

_ "I'd like to, little brother, but if I am up to riding, Father will think I am well enough to go back to the war," Damon said. "I really am not ready."_

_ "I wish Father was more understanding toward you. I doesn't seem fair."_

_ "Well, one thing I have learned is that life isn't fair. Don't expect it to be, Stefan."_

_ "I know that," I said. For some reason, I thought of Ilana and how things had gone bad for her and her family. I have no idea how she is really doing this summer. She has never confided in me again and I'm glad about that, but I sometimes wonder if she is being chaste or if she has found another fellow to give her what she wants. At least, I know that so far she has not had a baby._

_ "Stefan?" Damon asked me._

_ I must have looked like I was hundred miles away, as they say. I hadn't been aware that Damon was staring at me. "What?"_

_ "I asked if you like riding my horse. I know you said in one of your letters that you have ridden him several times since that time he was stolen. I'm certainly pleased that you were able to get him back." _

_ "He's a good horse," I told him. "I like my own, of course, but I ride yours to give him a good workout. He's a handful if he doesn't get enough exercise."_

_ "Good. I'd hate to think he was getting fat and lazy just standing around in the pasture and grazing all day. I wish I could go riding. It's been a while. Sometimes I wish I had joined the cavalry."_

_ "If Father goes into town tomorrow, do you want to sneak in a quick ride?" I asked him._

_ He looked at me and I don't know what he was thinking. Maybe he was surprised that I would suggest doing something behind Father's back. He then smiled and said, "Yes. I'd like that. Let's see how I feel tomorrow."_

A/N Hope you liked this. Nothing very exciting. Comments welcome.


	38. Chapter 38

_Chapter 38_

A/N I appreciate the comments I have received on this story. Thank you all for reading.

_ August 27, 1862 Well, today was upsetting and almost tragic. As I had figured, Father went into town late in the morning. He likes to be there when the mail coach arrives and while he is waiting, he enjoys talking to other men. It let us have time to go riding._

_ Damon and I went over to the horse barn.. He had eaten a decent breakfast and claimed to be feeling quite steady. He still had a bit of a headache and sometimes the ringing in the ears comes back for a short time. Since he got home he has bathed enough to finally get clean and he has really brushed his teeth. Sophie has trimmed his hair. I really think he has put on a pound or two and he looks healthier. He looks good. Or he did this morning._

_It was good to see Damon dressed for riding. He cuts a dashing figure when he is dressed properly. I was dressed similarly, of course. Billy arrived and I invited him to go riding with us. Damon didn't mind, so Billy accepted. Silas saddled McKinley for Damon and the horse Ilana had been riding for Billy. I saddled Webster for myself. We led the horses outside and mounted up. Damon looked really good in the saddle and McKinley pranced around a bit. The horse must remember that Damon is a more daring rider than I am._

"_It feels wonderful to be on a horse again. I miss it," Damon told me. He was grinning from ear to ear and I was happy to see him enjoying himself._

_We moved out, going west toward Willow Creek. Instead of taking the path that goes along beside the creek, we crossed to the other side and headed north. It's partly woods and partly fields. We didn't ride through anyone's crops, of course. I let Damon set the pace. If he wanted to walk, we walked the horses. If he wanted to canter, we cantered. He didn't do much trotting. I don't think he was up to a lot of posting, and if he didn't post, the trot would jar his head._

_We didn't go too far because we wanted to be sure to be home before Father returned. At one point we turned around and headed home by a slightly different way. It was mostly woods, which gave us some shade. That was nice because it was a hot day. We just sauntered along and talked. Sometimes Damon told us some little story about his part of the war. Sometimes he just listened to what Billy and I were saying._

_All of a sudden three of quails were flushed from the brush and went right under McKinley. All three horses shied, but McKinley rose up in the air and shied right into a tree. The lowest branch hit Damon right on his head and next thing we knew, he was sliding off his saddle. McKinley would have bolted for home, but Damon's arm was through his reins and the horse was yanked to a stop._

_I jumped off Webster and handed my reins to Billy. I ran to Damon and saw that he was out cold. I know I said some bad words. I was scared. Damon was recovering from trouble with his head and now he was hit hard enough to knock him out. That was not good. It also wasn't good that we needed to get him home. It wasn't far, but I guessed that we were closer to the Lockwood place._

_Blood began to run from a cut in his scalp. I spoke to him while I parted his hair to look for the cut. I found it right next to the other cut that was healing. It wasn't big, but already Damon had a lump on his head. There was no way to hide that after Damon woke up._

_I called his name several times in the hopes that he would wake and soon he groaned and stirred._

"_Damon, can you hear me?" I asked._

"_Yes," he said. He opened his eyes, but he didn't really look at me._

"_Is anything broken? Can you move?" I asked him._

_He sort of wiggled here and there. "I don't think I broke anything. What happened? Stefan, is that you?"_

"_Yes, it's me. Can't you see me?" I suddenly was scared he couldn't see._

"_I'm seeing double. I see you. Why are you here?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

_He tried to sit up and I helped him. He looked at me and at Billy, who was tying up the horses to a tree, and he looked all around. He frowned while he felt the lump on his head, then he looked at his bloody fingers._

"_What happened?" he asked._

"_McKinley got spooked by some quails and you hit your head on that branch up there," I told him. Obviously he didn't remember._

"_McKinley? Stefan, where are we?"_

"_We were riding. Don't you remember?"_

_He looked confused. In fact, he was really pale and I was afraid he was going to pass out. If he did, how would we get him home? I wanted to hide the fact that he had been out riding, but if he couldn't ride home, I would have to go get help, like at the Lockwood's house._

"_Billy, let's see if we can get him on a horse. Damon, do you think you can ride?"_

"_Of course," he said, and he struggled to get up and Billy and I each took an arm and helped him. Then he fell back flat on his back. "Dizzy. What happened? Stefan, why are you here?"_

_It scared me that he had asked the same questions. He didn't know where we were. I wondered how many times he could take a hit to the head and still be himself. There was a fellow who used to do bare-knuckle boxing and he finally got simple-minded. I didn't want that to happen to my brother._

"_Billy, I think we should put Damon on Webster and then I can ride double and hold onto him. I don't think we should try to do that with McKinley," I told my friend._

_I went to my horse, who is shorter than McKinley, and lengthened the stirrups to what I thought was right for Damon. His legs are definitely longer than mine. Then Billy and I got Damon to sit up again. This time, he didn't fall over, but he looked like he would. We struggled to get him to his feet and he tried to help. It's a good thing Webster is an even-tempered and patient horse because it took a bit more struggle to get Damon up on him. I put Damon's feet in the stirrups and hoped it would help him balance. _

_Billy boosted me up behind Damon. I put my arms around him and picked up the reins which Damon had made no attempt to take. I was worried that if Damon started to slip off I would not have the strength to hold him. Billy got on his horse and took McKinley's reins to lead him. At a walk, I pointed Webster for home._

_It seemed like a long walk, but it really wasn't. A couple of times Damon began to lean one way or the other and I was able to get him upright again. He was very groggy and I think he almost passed out a few times. When he was sort of alert, he asked again where we were and what was going on._

_Because Damon is taller than me, I had to look around him now and then to guide my horse. Blood from the lump on Damon's head was running down his face, but also down his back and it was getting on me. It was strange. Not only the blood, but my desperate grip on his sweaty body. I wanted to lean against him for emotional support, but the situation was reversed and I was literally supporting him._

_What were we going to do when we got home? What if Father was already home? Or if he wasn't, how could we keep him from finding out about this riding foray?_

"_I'm not going to stop at the barn," I told Billy. "You give the two horses to Silas and I'll ride to the back door. Joshua will help me with Damon."_

"_I don't need help," Damon muttered. "What the hell happened?"_

"_You got a head wound," I told him. I figured that would do, even if he thought he was on some battlefield._

_At the kitchen door of the house, I yelled and Cook came outside. She yelled and in a moment Joshua came out. Joshua isn't a tall or burly man, but he is strong. After I had slid off over Webster's rump, Joshua eased Damon out of the saddle and caught him. When it was obvious that Damon couldn't stand steady, he actually picked my brother up in his arms. Damon muttered curses over this, but he was still really groggy._

_To Cook and Joshua I said, "I want to try to keep Father from knowing Damon went horseback riding and got hurt. I want us to tell Father that Damon fell in the house. Do you understand?"_

_They both nodded and said, "Yes, sir, Master Stefan."_

_I didn't know if we could get away with this lie and I felt wrong about asking them to maybe lie to Father. Billy came to join us and I asked him to please run back to the barn and ask Silas not to mention the ride and the injury to Father. Billy understood the situation and ran back to the barn. _

_Joshua took Damon up to the bedroom with me and Sophie trailing close behind. Sophie pulled the comforter off the bed before Joshua laid Damon down on it. The pillow and sheet got all bloody, of course._

"_Damon, are you awake?" I asked, even though I knew he was._

"_Of course. I'm just dizzy. What happened?" my brother asked for the fifth or sixth time. He had his eyes closed._

"_You got dizzy and fell. You have a wound on your head and it's bled all over you. We're going to get you undressed and wash the blood off. All right?"_

"_Fine," he said. He didn't look like he had the energy to resist even if he wanted to. Sophie went to get water to wash him while Joshua and I undressed him. I wanted to be sure he wasn't wearing riding clothes when Father got home. _

"_Hide these clothes, Joshua, until they can be washed. I'm going to go change." I did change my clothes and I used the water from the pitcher in my room to get the blood off my skin. I realized I was trembling a little. I didn't know what was going to happen and I was afraid._

A/N A person never knows what will happen when riding horseback. This is not a good time for Damon. Comments welcome.


	39. Chapter 39

_Chapter 39_

A/N I want to thank you all for continuing to read this story and for commenting on it.

_ I had forgotten about Billy. I went downstairs and found him in the kitchen with Cook and Sooner. He was drinking a glass of milk. I told him I was going to be busy for a while with my brother and perhaps he should go home. He agreed. I told him not to tell his family what had happened, other than that Damon had fallen had hit his head. He agreed to that, too._

_ When I went back upstairs, an idea occurred to me. I took my shirt that had blood on it and went downstairs. I called the servants and they stood with me in the front hall._

_ "Has my father come back yet?" I asked Joshua, just to be sure._

_ "No, sir," Joshua told me._

_ "All right. Here's what I am going to do. I'm going to rub a little blood from my shirt on the newel post about right here. I am saying that Damon stood here and he got dizzy and he fell against the post and cut his head." I did rub just a little blood there. I didn't want to make a mess because then Joshua would hurry to clean it up. I then lay down on the floor. "Joshua, you came into the hall here and there was a body on the floor. There's someone lying on the floor, isn't there, Joshua?"_

_ "Yes, sir, Master Stefan. There be a body on the floor right now." _

"_And maybe it could be Damon, couldn't it?" I said firmly. I felt guilty making him agree to this lie, but I thought it important to protect my brother. Maybe Joshua did too._

"_Yes, sir, I believe it be Master Damon. He been mighty unsteady on his feet of late," Joshua said, nodding. The others nodded, too. The only one I wasn't sure of was Sooner. I hoped she'd go along with this._

"_You called me and we got Damon up to his room and put him to bed. He seemed a bit confused, like maybe he didn't know where he was. Isn't that right?" I said as I got up from the floor._

"_That the truth, sir," Joshua agreed heartily._

"_Yes, that's the truth. All right, everyone. That's our story." The servants all nodded their heads. I know they had the same thought as me. If Father found out we were lying, there would be a whipping and none of us was excluded. "Please go on back to your business."_

_I hurried on upstairs and hid my shirt. I guess I could have given it to Sophie, but I didn't. I then went into Damon's room. Sophie came along behind me and we stood there looking at him. He was lying on his back and snoring._

"_I think we should turn him on his side in case he gets sick," I said to Sophie and she agreed. I spoke to Damon and told him we were going to move him. He didn't answer, but when we turned him he muttered a curse word at us and said to leave him alone. He didn't open his eyes and in a moment he seemed to go back to sleep. Sophie put pillows behind him to keep him on his side._

_Father didn't get home for another hour. I was in the library because I wanted to meet him and tell him Damon fell. He mostly comes in the front door. Usually Silas sees him riding up the road and comes to the front of the house to take the horse to the barn. That way Father does not have to walk from the barn area, especially if he has a sore foot from gout._

"_Father, I have news," I said. I know I had a worried look on my face. I was plenty worried. "Damon got dizzy and fell here in the hall. He hit his head on the post there. He's hurt again. Joshua and I put him to bed."_

"_Damn! Is it bad enough to call the doctor out?" Father said, scowling._

"_I don't think so. The cut on his head was bleeding, but it's stopped now. I think he's sleeping."_

_Father turned to the stairs and stomped his way up. I followed. We came to Damon's room. Sophie wasn't there. Father looked at Damon laid out in a clean pair of drawers. He went and shook Damon's shoulder. Again Damon muttered something and groaned, but he didn't move or open his eyes._

"_Damon! Wake up. I want to talk to you!" Father shouted at him and he shook him again. Damon just groaned. Father felt his head and could feel the bump. He put a finger on one of Damon's eye lids and moved it so that the eye was open. I was surprised that Damon didn't move, but he didn't. Father gave a snort and let the eye close. It only closed part way._

"_Let me know when he wakes up," Father said to Sophie and he walked from the room._

_I couldn't stand to see the one eye partly open so I touched the lid and closed it. I was more worried than ever because I knew Damon wasn't asleep. He was mostly unconscious. Perhaps we should have summoned the doctor, but what could he do?_

_I went downstairs to talk to my father and to hear what news he had from town. He was in the library pouring himself a shot of bourbon when I walked in. We sat in there and I listened to his report. The war continued with confrontations here and there. Some areas like Virginia and Tennessee seemed to get more than their share. That worried us, of course, being in Virginia. So far the fighting had not been near here. Except for Damon's injury, the war had not come to our doorstep._

_Well, I was wrong in thinking that. Not an hour after Father got home, someone came to our front door. Joshua answered the door and then came to the library for Father, saying two gentlemen were there. I went too to see who it was. I was surprised to see two men in uniform, two soldiers. They introduced themselves and told Father they were here to check on Damon. They said they were assigned to seek out deserters and to check out reports of injured or sick soldiers who were away from the army without leave._

_This was alarming news for us. We knew deserters were sometimes shot. Damon had wandered off from the explosion site without permission. Dr. Lindsey Gilbert had reported that he was home recovering from the aftereffects. Was that not enough? Father asked these questions of the men._

_They insisted that they talk to Damon._

"_You can't right now. He's sleeping," Father said._

_I thought that was a weak excuse and not right. I could see the men thought Father was covering for Damon and that Damon was just fine. I had to speak up._

"_My brother is still recovering from the explosion he was near," I said. "He gets very dizzy still and today he fell over and hit his head. He's hurt."_

"_That's right," Father said. "He's nearly unconscious."_

_The one soldier didn't look convinced and insisted on seeing Damon._

"_All right, sergeant," Father said with an annoyed tone. "Come along upstairs." He led the way and I trailed along behind. Sophie was at the head of the stairs and I knew she had been listening. I'm sure Joshua had been too. They know what's going on in the house._

_ As soon as we got into the room the smell told us Damon had been sick. When I could see him past the men, I saw that he had thrown up. It must have just happened because Sophie had been in to see him. It scared me because I realized that if we hadn't turned him on his side, he might have drowned in it because he still looked unconscious._

_The sergeant went over to my brother and shook his shoulder just like Father had done. Damon moaned and moved his hand. He also heaved and brought up a bit of fluid. Other than that, he didn't do anything. The man shook him again and called his name, calling him Private Salvatore. Damon's only response was to wrinkle his brow, but he didn't open his eyes._

"_My son is injured! Leave him alone," Father ordered._

"_Has he been seen by a doctor?" the soldier asked gruffly._

"_No. What would the doctor do for him? Damon is going to have to come out of this himself. Sophie, get in here and clean him up."_

_Sophie, who was standing behind me, eased by me and went to the bed to see just what needed to be done. . Father, the soldiers and I left the room and went back downstairs. Father ordered Joshua to go up and help Sophie take care of Damon._

"_Mr. Salvatore, I need to have a doctor verify your son's condition," the sergeant said. "We are going to check on two other men around here and then we'll come back. As I'm sure you know, soldiers sometimes pretend to be ill or injured so that they don't have to go back to the fighting. And since the conscription was started this year, men have come up with all sorts of excuses not to fight. There are legal reasons for not fighting. Private Salvatore seems to have one, but I need a doctor to say so. I'm sure you understand."_

"_Yes. I do," Father said. I was surprised when he added, "My son and I do not get along, so I assure you that I will send him back to his unit as soon as he can go."_

_The sergeant looked at Father for a long moment. I wondered if he thought the statement made our claim that Damon was really ill more believable or if he thought our father was a cold man. I think both ideas are correct._

_After the two soldiers left, Father told me to go tell Silas to find Lindsey. He then retreated to the library. I ran out to the horse barn and found Silas and told him to go find the doctor. I told him to say Damon fell in the house and I reminded him not to mention the horseback riding incident. Then I came back to the house and went upstairs to see to Damon. I found Sophie and Joshua in the process of changing the bed linens. They had already washed Damon's face._

_ Sophie had several pieces of oilcloth which she and Cook used for different things. She went and got a piece about four feet square and put it under Damon's hips along with a cotton quilted pad. I realized she was concerned that he might wet the bed. If he didn't wake up for quite a while, it would still be better for him to wet the bed than to hold his water until he was about to burst. Then we would definitely have to have Lindsey come and relieve him. I don't want to think about that._

_It was about an hour later that Lindsey came to the house and Father brought him up to see Damon. I heard Father tell the doctor what had happened. That is, the version I had told him. Father didn't bother to come upstairs again. I took Lindsey to Damon's room and watched while he examined my brother, including probing the cut on his scalp. I was surprised that Lindsey removed something small and looked at it. I only got a glimpse, but I thought it was a piece of bark from the tree branch. I was afraid he was going to say something to Father about it._

_Lindsey looked at me with a questioning expression. I put a finger to my lips, asking him to be quiet. In a whisper, I told him the accident didn't happen in the house, it happened in the woods. I told him honestly what had happened. While I was doing that, he put a pad of cotton cloth over the wound on Damon's scalp because he had started up the bleeding again._

"_Please don't tell Father," I whispered, begging. "He'll whip us, me and the servants, for lying to him. And maybe Damon when he wakes up."_

_Lindsey frowned as he wrapped a bandage around Damon's head and under his chin. "All right, Stefan," he said. "When is the last time Damon passed his urine?"_

"_I don't know. Before we went riding, I guess."_

_I watched Lindsey press the lower part of Damon's belly, his fingers down inside Damon's drawer. "I'll come back in two or three hours and see how he is."_

"_You'll tell the soldiers Damon is really hurt and isn't pretending?" I asked._

"_Yes. I'll get word to them. I'll also write my opinion and give it to your father. If the soldiers don't get word from me, Giuseppe can give them what I will write."_

_It seemed foolish to me to have to go through all that, but I guess it was military regulation or something. After Lindsey left to go talk to Father and then to leave, I sat in the chair that was at Damon's desk. I just stared at him, lying on his other side now, pillows against his back. He was breathing evenly and snoring just slightly. It seemed ages ago that he was feeling good and riding his horse and being good old Damon._

A/N Hope you liked this chapter, even though Damon sort of slept through it.


	40. Chapter 40

_Chapter 40_

_I finally left Damon's room and went downstairs to the library. Father was sitting in his usual chair, sipping his usual whiskey. He had a book on his lap, but he wasn't reading. When I walked in, he frowned. Did he not want to see me?_

"_Is he still out?" he asked me._

"_Yes, sir," I said. _

"_Lindsey thinks he might have a skull fracture. How the hell could he hit his head that hard on the newel post?"_

"_I guess it was the way he hit it," I ventured to say. "If he has a fracture, will he die?" I was getting scared. Even though I didn't cause McKinley to slam Damon's head into a branch, I somehow felt responsible. I had suggested the ride._

"_I don't know, son," Father said with a sigh. "There is nothing to be done but wait. Lindsey said sometimes drilling a hole in a person's skull lets a blood clot out and takes pressure off the brain. I don't know if it will come to that."_

_The idea made me feel sick to my stomach. Drill a hole in Damon's head? What a horrible thought._

"_Did he leave a note for the soldiers?" I asked._

"_Yes, he did," Father said. "Son, we have to consider that Damon may never wake up. Do you remember Mr. Tidwell? He was hit by a tree clearing some land. Right on the head. He lived for nearly two weeks and never woke up. His wife and son took care of him all that time."_

"_Please don't say that, Father," I cried. I had to leave the room. In fact, I left the house. I ran over to Billy's house and told him what was happening. Billy told me he had told his parents that Damon had fallen and hit his head. Mr. Gilbert asked me how Damon was doing. I had to tell him that Damon was out cold and might have a fracture and might die. I started to cry and I didn't care._

_Mr. Gilbert said he was going to go talk to Father and he left the house. Maybe having a friend to talk to will help Father feel better._

_After a while, I came home. As I got there, Alan Lockwood came riding up. He said he had heard Damon was hurt again. The two soldiers came riding up at the same time and they heard me tell Alan about Damon's injury as we all went into the foyer._

"_So, your brother is still unconscious?" the sergeant asked._

_I told him that he was when I last saw him, but it had been over an hour now. Father and Mr. Gilbert met us in the hall and we all went up the stairs and to Damon's room. Sophie and Joshua were both there. It turned out that Damon had wet the bed and the two servants were getting him clean and dry. I was glad to know he wasn't about to burst his bladder._

_We all stood watching for a couple of minutes. Damon was like a sack of potatoes. He was limp and didn't make a sound as they rolled him first one way and then the other to change his sheets. I was sort of glad to see he was limp. Lindsey had said if his arms or legs got rigid, that could mean trouble._

_On the other hand, there was Damon, unconscious and at the moment totally naked, except for the bandage around his head. Joshua had removed his wet drawers. I felt embarrassed to have six of us standing there looking at him. I'm sure Damon would have been mortified if he knew it. As Sophie rolled Damon away from us, I knew everyone could see the faint scars on his back from when Father used to whip him. I wondered if Father felt embarrassed about that._

"_What's those scars on his back?" the sergeant asked._

"_He was always doing something I told him not to," Father growled. "I finally resorted to whipping him. He had it coming."_

_He didn't mention that he had been harsh with Damon for a long time. I knew because Damon had told me and also I sort of remember from when I was little. Apparently Father was not ashamed of laying a whip onto his son's back like he was a slave._

_The other soldier, who had almost nothing to say, scowled at Father's back and surely didn't approve of that kind of punishment for a boy's misbehaving. Neither did I._

"_I have the doctor's statement on paper," Father said. "It confirms his head injury and state of unconsciousness. Not that it isn't obvious. Please come downstairs and I'll give it to you."_

_Father, Mr. Gilbert and the two soldiers left. Alan and I stayed. We watched the servants finish with Damon, leaving him lying on his side facing away from us. They left the room, taking the soiled linens with them._

"_When was the last time he seemed awake?" Alan asked me._

"_He hasn't really been wide awake since he hit his head. Sometimes he moans or even curses, but now he isn't doing anything," I told him. "I'm worried he won't wake up. Ever."_

"_Don't give up on him, Stefan," Alan told me. "I know a fellow who was out for two days and he woke up just fine." Alan gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze._

_I wanted to believe that would be the case with my brother._

_Alan left because there was nothing he could do. I sat down in a chair and watched Damon lying there, doing nothing but breathing. The room was hot, so Sophie had put nothing over Damon except for a folded sheet over his hips to cover him decently. She and Joshua had not even put drawers back on him. I supposed they figured he would just get them wet again._

_It must have been an hour later, as I sat thinking a lot of thoughts, including the fact that I was getting hungry, that I was startled by Damon taking a deep breath and rolling over on his back. I got up and walked over to the bed and looked at him closely._

"_Damon?"_

_He grunted, so I knew he heard me._

"_Are you awake, Damon?"_

_He opened his eyes and then closed them. He frowned and lifted a hand to feel the bandages on his head. I was so happy to see an improvement. I knew he wasn't 'out of the woods' yet, but he was better._

"_You hurt your head, Damon. It will be all right."_

_He tried to say something, but I could see that his lips and mouth were very dry. There was water for him to drink, just in case he woke, so I poured a little in a glass._

"_Here's some water. Take a sip," I said. I put my hand under his head to lift it and he groaned. I guess his head and neck were sore. I let his head down._

_He opened his eyes and looked at me and at the glass. His dry tongue tried to lick his lips. He reached a shaking hand toward the glass I still held and then he let his hand fall back down. I didn't know how to help him. I didn't want to just pour the water into his mouth. Then again, I thought maybe I should, just a little. I carefully brought the glass to his mouth and let a dribble go in._

_He started to cough, which scared me. I didn't want to drown him. I didn't want him to cough so hard he would make himself worse. I was glad to see Sophie come rushing back in._

"_He's awake. He's thirsty," I said._

_Damon stopped coughing and lay there, eyes closed and breathing hard._

"_Do you still want to drink?" I asked._

_He nodded and looked at me. Sophie had the strength to lift his shoulders up and when she did, he was up enough to take a swallow. He swished some water around in his mouth and then swallowed it._

"_Good," he whispered. "More."_

_He drank several swallows and then stopped. He looked very tired and Sophie laid him down._

"_Turn on your side, Master Damon. That's it. That's just right," Sophie said, helping him. "Now, you rest a bit. I go tell your papa you awake now. He be glad."_

_She hurried from the room and Damon whispered to me, "Is he angry?"_

"_Damon, I told him you got dizzy and fell in the downstairs hall," I whispered. "Do you understand? That's what he thinks."_

_Damon stared at me and then he asked, "All right. What really happened?"_

_I realized he didn't remember. I wondered how far back he didn't remember. "I'll tell you later."_

_Damon looked at me with a confused expression, but he nodded slightly. He touched the bandage again. "How long have I been out?"_

"_Hours. The doctor has been to see you. He put the bandage on because you have a wound on your scalp."_

"_I have a hell of a headache. Stefan, please close the curtains. It's so bright in here."_

_This time of year the late afternoon sun shines in the north windows and it was beaming in his. I got up and drew the curtains closed. The east window was open and a bit of a breeze moved through the room from the open door._

_Damon was feeling along his body and under the sheet._

"_I don't have a stitch on," he said, finding he was naked._

"_You wet the bed."_

"_Damn."_

"_No, it was good you did. We didn't know how long you would be out and if you would hold your water too long."_

"_I suppose you're right."_

_Father and Sophie came into the room. I thought I saw signs that Father was relieved to see him awake._

"_How do you feel?" he growled._

"_I have a bad headache and I'm a bit dizzy. I don't remember falling." Damon's voice was a bit hoarse so that he was speaking just above a whisper._

"_Well, this is a set-back," Father said. "You were doing so well. Two soldiers came to check and see if you were well enough to go back to your regiment. Obviously, you aren't."_

"_I'll try to get well quickly. Sorry to inconvenience you, Father."_

"_It's not an inconvenience, Damon. I just want to see you recovered. Good to see you're awake. Now, rest," Father growled and then he left the room. I assumed Mr. Gilbert had left since it was supper time._

_Damon seemed to relax and a small smile touched his face. "Was he worried at all?" he asked, meaning Father._

"_Yes. Dr. Lindsey thinks you might have a skull fracture. I think Father really feared you might not wake up. I was really scared you might die, Damon. I'm so glad you're awake."_

"_I don't intend to die yet, little brother. But I think I will take a nap now. I'll be all right."_

"_All right. You sleep," I said. Sophie was still in the room and I told her I was going to go downstairs for supper. I could smell the food and I was really hungry. I realized I had not had a decent lunch. I took a last look at Damon, who seemed to be asleep already, and I guessed he would soon feel hungry, too. I wondered if he would be able to eat without throwing up or if he would be back on broth again._

A/N One of these times I'll get Damon back on his feet again. Hope you liked this chapter. What do you think about how it is going?


	41. Chapter 41

_Chapter 41_

A/N Once again thanks to the readers and to those who made comments. Stefan's extensive writing continues.

_My appetite had really come back and I was glad to sit at the table with Father and eat a good meal. We didn't have much to say to each other and we were just finishing when Dr. Lindsey came to check on Damon._

"_He woke up!" I told him right away._

"_That is wonderful. Is he talking? Did he make sense?" Lindsey asked as I followed him and Father up the stairs._

"_Yes, he was making sense. He sipped some water. He pissed earlier. He has a headache," I said before I realized I was babbling like an excited child. Lindsey just grinned at me._

_In Damon's room we found my brother on his back again, snoring. Sophie was with him, sitting in the chair and doing some sewing. I think she was worried after his throwing up earlier and she didn't want to leave him alone._

_We three watched as Lindsey went to Damon and spoke to him softly. Damon continued to snore and Lindsey spoke louder. Damon closed his mouth and wiggled his eyebrows, but he didn't wake up. We three watched him for a moment. I was worried. Was Damon deeply asleep or had he become unconscious again?_

_Lindsey had a stethoscope, a thing he put in his ears and was connected by a flexible tube to a small bell which he put on Damon's chest. He listened to different parts of his chest. I know the stethoscope lets the doctor hear a person's heart beat and the air move in an out of his lungs. He even used it to listen to my bowels when I had the appendix problem. When I had felt better, he let me listen to my own heart beat._

_Damon didn't respond to Lindsey' touch until the doctor decided to change the bandage on his head. Moving his head around must have hurt because he started complaining and pushing at Lindsey's hands._

"_Damon, wake up!" Lindsey ordered._

_Damon opened his eyes and muttered a curse._

"_Who am I, Damon?" the doctor asked._

"_Lindsey Gilbert," I heard Damon whisper. "Doctor. How am I doing? Will I live?"_

"_I expect you to live, but you have a way to go."_

"_How did I get hurt? I was near Richmond. Stefan said I fell. I think I'm very confused."_

"_Your memories are a bit scrambled right now. Don't worry about it. It'll get better."_

"_I could use a drink."_

"_We have water here."_

"_I mean a real drink. Bourbon."_

"_No bourbon for you until you can think and talk better," Lindsey said firmly._

"_I could think and talk better with a good slug of whiskey," Damon said, but he was getting sleepy as Lindsey finished the bandaging. When all was quiet for a minute, he went right back to snoring._

_As I expected, Lindsey put Damon back on water, tea and broth as soon as he could take them. The doctor agreed that Damon was improved, but he said he might sleep a lot and be forgetful. We were right back to the beginning._

_August 28, 1862 I didn't get much sleep last night. I kept worrying about my brother. I would get up and go to see if he was breathing. Sometimes I didn't need to go see because I could hear him snoring. Sophie and Joshua took turns watching him and turning him. I guess they each got a little sleep. They take such good care of him. I wonder if the wounded soldiers in hospitals get as good care as Damon is getting. I bet they don't. _

_Damon did wake up around breakfast time. He was able to drink coffee and some broth. He complained that he wanted some real food, but he admitted that he was dizzy when he turned his head too fast and then he felt like he was going to throw up._

_I thought he had forgotten that I would tell him how he really hit his head, but he hadn't. I was in his room late in the morning after Sophie had finished fussing around him and his bed. He and I were alone._

"_Close the door, Stefan," he said to me. I was surprised, but I did that and returned to the chair next to his bed._

"_Why did you want the door closed?" I asked. I thought maybe he was going to tell me some secret._

"_You said I didn't fall in the hall downstairs and hit my head. If not, what happened? I got the impression you didn't want Father to know."_

"_You remember that?"_

"_I think so. Did you say that?" He ran a finger under the bandage that ran from the top of his head and under his chin. I guessed that his beard was itching._

"_Yes."_

"_Why?"_

"_I don't want Father to know. Damon, do you remember going riding with me and Billy?" I asked him._

"_When?" He didn't remember. I wasn't surprised._

"_Yesterday. You were feeling good and the three of us went riding while Father was in town. Some quail spooked McKinley and he shied. You hit your head on a tree branch and it knocked you out. Billy and I got you home. Joshua and Sophie agreed not to tell Father you went riding. We all agreed to tell him you fell and hit your head on the newel post in the hall."_

"_I see. And you reckon Father would be really angry if he found out I went riding and got hurt again?"_

"_Yes. And on top of that, you were out cold when the soldiers came to see if you could go back to the army. I think you might be on your way back there if you hadn't got hurt again."_

"_So, some good came out of it, I guess," he said with a sigh. "It's odd, but I don't remember our ride. Did I seem to enjoy it?"_

"_You did," I assured him._

_So that is the gist of the conversation I had with him. He didn't remember the ride, but he remembered why he was home in the first place, or at least as much as he remembered before the ride._

_We talked a bit more, but he got sleepy. I left the room, leaving the door open for the breeze. Today the breeze was coming in his east window, crossing the hall and going out my west window. By early afternoon, even the breeze was hot._

_Billy came over to my house and we went swimming in our pond. We were skinny dipping and Barbara Ann came to the house. She walked over to the pond and must have watched us for a couple of minutes before we realized she was there. Our clothes were on the grass by the edge of the water, so we couldn't get to them. She thought it was funny that we were stuck in the water._

_I felt a bit bold and told her to take off her dress and come on in. I knew she had underclothes on. Actually, I was joking, so I was surprised when she said she would. Billy and I stared as she removed the full skirt and the crinolines and the small hoop she had on underneath. Then, in her pantaloons and corset, she waded right into the water. I don't know about Billy, but I know my member stood up just watching all that. I stayed in water deep enough to cover up my arousal. I hoped._

_Barbara Ann can swim. I know that because she learned to swim when she was about six or seven years old. She would come over here to our pond and swim with me and Billy. Her mother and my mother would watch over us. Now, the problem was that at fourteen, she was becoming a young lady. Her bosom was barely contained in her corset._

_She waded out to be near us while Billy and I sort of backed up into deeper water. I'm sure his lower condition was the same as mine. Did Barbara Ann know that? Was she teasing us? Testing us? She must have known we were young gentlemen and would never actually touch her improperly. She then turned and proceeded to swim into deeper water. _

_Her pantaloons sort of floated around her legs near the surface because they harbored some air. The wet cloth revealed more than she probably realized. I am embarrassed to write here that I had a reaction right there in the water. I moved away toward the other side of the pond so that I was not looking at the girl. I don't know if Billy guessed what happened. He was watching her and probably wasn't paying any attention to me. I noticed he had a hand down in front of him under the water._

"_Barbara Ann Ross, you get out of the water this instant!" came my father's harsh voice. "What kind of behavior is this for a young lady?" He was angry with her. I suspected he was angry with us boys, as if it was our fault she was there._

_Barbara Ann looked embarrassed and a bit scared as she looked at my scowling father. "I am decently covered, Mr. Salvatore," she said in a squeaky voice._

"_No, you are not! Young lady, I can see your legs!" Father yelled at her._

_By then she was no longer swimming, but was treading water. Her legs didn't show as they sank lower. Billy and I were about twenty feet away from here and treading water too._

"_Stefan, take this dress to her and have her put it on," Father said and he threw her yellow dress in the water near me. I grabbed it and moved closer to her until I felt I could throw the wet bunch of cloth to her. I then retreated back to where Billy waited._

_Barbara Ann couldn't put the dress on while she was in the deeper water so she began to swim to the bank of the pond a good distance from Father and me._

"_Get out of the water, Stefan. You too, Billy," Father ordered._

"_We don't have any clothes on, Father," I said._

"_You should have thought of that before you went in with a young lady present."_

"_She wasn't here when we went in," I said._

_Father picked up our clothes and carried them to a spot well away from Barbara Ann. Billy and I had to climb out of the water with our backs to the girl. If she looked at our bare bottoms I didn't know because I didn't look. Father handed each of us our trousers, which were actually the short pants we wore in the heat of summer, and we quickly stepped into them._

_By the time I dared to look around at Barbara Ann, she was up on the grass trying to straighten her soggy wet dress that clung to her almost as revealingly as the pantaloons did. She was crying. I don't know why. Was she embarrassed? Was she upset because she was not allowed to swim? Was she upset because her dress was a mess? She ran over to where she had left her shoes and petticoats. She picked them all up and ran away from the pond. As far as I could tell, she went home._

"_You didn't have to yell at her like that, Father," I said, upset._

"_That was no way for a young lady to act. Shame on her! She isn't a child anymore. And you should know better than to go swimming naked within sight of the house. Guests could have come to the house and looked this way," Father continued, even though I had swum in the pond naked a hundred times._

"_You two boys are not little children anymore either. I saw you. Both of you reacted to her. True, it's a normal reaction, but you don't want to do that in front of a young lady. Go up to the house and change into dry clothes. Billy, I suggest you go home and do the same."_

_Neither Billy nor I argued with him. I picked up my other clothes and followed Father to the house. Billy went home. I went upstairs and to my room. Damon came to the doorway, which surprised me.._

"_I was looking out the window and saw what was going on," he said. "Barbara Ann is a daring girl. Of course, she always has been."_

"_That's the truth," I agreed. "You must be feeling better to be out of bed."_

"_I am. I feel less dizzy anyway. I wish the headache would go away. I wish I had some decent food. Sophie says she will bring me real food for supper."_

"_That's good," I said, pleased to see him looking alert and on his feet. I noticed Joshua lurking in the hall watching Damon. My brother noticed him too._

"_I better get back to bed. I'm not really steady yet," Damon said, holding onto the door frame. In fact, Joshua reached out a hand and lightly took his arm. Damon left to return to his bed._

_I closed the door and peeled off the damp pants. My other clothes were not wet. I stood there naked for a couple of minutes thinking about Barbara Ann in the pool. Just the thought and the image in my mind had my member stirring again. I realized I would no longer see my old friend the same way again. Father was right, she was certainly no longer a child. And of course, neither was I._

A/N That's it for now. I'll post again in about a week, I hope. Does anyone have any ideas of what adventures Stefan might get into? Or Damon? I will have to send Damon back to war soon.


	42. Chapter 42

_Chapter 42_

A/N I hope you all are not getting bored with this story. I know sometimes nothing much is happening. Stefan's life can't always be exciting. Damon's life is at a standstill.

_August 29, 1862 I am writing in this journal in the morning for a change. I do sometimes, even though I mostly write in the evening. I like to write when what has happened is fresh in my mind. I have been looking at the events I have written about of the last couple of days. I have certainly written a lot. I like to write. It's like reading someone's book, but this is from my head. This is my book._

_ Some time ago, Father bought me a small trunk. I asked him to do so because I have quite a few books and I want to put some of them away in a safe place. I didn't tell him several of the books were my journals. He still seems to have no interest in what I write. Either that, or he is very secretive about reading them. I hope he has not intruded into my private writings._

_One of my teachers once told me that I should consider being a writer when I grow up. I have written some good essays for class, according to my teachers. Apparently quite a bit better than some of my fellow fourteen-year-old classmates. I know Billy writes well and he has a good imagination, but he doesn't keep a diary or journal, so he hardly ever writes anything, especially during the summer. Maybe I'll make up a story just for the fun of it. Maybe someday I will be a famous author._

_Damon is not in a good mood this morning. His headache is bothering him and he has all the curtains drawn in his room. He had some real food brought to him for breakfast, but after he got up to use the commode, he got dizzy and threw it up. So now he has dizziness and hunger to add to his complaints._

_The truth is Damon sometimes can be whiny and demanding and a nuisance when he is sick. He's like that this morning. I know he feels awful and he's hungry and bored, but I have stayed out of his room except for a few minutes earlier. He was hot and asked me to open the curtains to let in more air through the open window. I did that, but after a couple of minutes, he complained about the sunlight beaming in and he had me close the curtains. A breeze came along, which felt good, but it moved the curtains and a sunbeam reflected off something to his face and he cursed at it._

_He has asked more than once of me, Sophie and Joshua for a bottle of bourbon. Father has forbidden us to give him any because Lindsey said Damon should not get drunk and he should not mix alcohol with the pain medicine Father gives him now and then. Maybe Father should give him the medicine more often. Or let him have a good drink of bourbon. The fact that no one will give him a "decent" drink had made him more irritable._

_He has drinking water in his room, but he had me go downstairs to get him some cold water. The coldest we have is the spring water and I had to go outside to get that. I took a pitcher of it up to him and he drank some. Then he had me pour some of it on a cloth to put over his face. I guess it felt good because he kept it there. I snuck out of his room. If Sophie goes to his room soon, he won't call me again. I think I'll stop writing and run over to Billy's house._

_Well, it's later now. I think Father must have given Damon a good dose of that medicine because he is in bed snoring like a saw through a log. Sophie was sitting in the room again doing more sewing. I know she has other chores, but she has orders to keep an eye on Damon, so she sits and catches up on the mending of our clothes. _

_The maid Sooner has to do more chores and I can tell she isn't happy about it. Sooner isn't the most energetic servant. On the other hand, I know she keeps Father company at night sometimes so he isn't out doing something he probably shouldn't be doing. Mystic Falls is a small town and there is gossip. People often know if someone is having a tryst with someone else. I like that word tryst. It sounds nicer than some other words for the same thing._

_August 30, 1862 Last night I woke up from a sound sleep. I lay there awake, keenly listening for whatever woke me. I especially listened for anything happening in Damon's room. Then I heard his voice speaking low, just above a whisper._

"_I am sleeping, Sophie. Nice and peaceful. Look at me. See, my eyes are closed and I am snoring." She can see him because she keeps a lamp burning low all night._

_I heard him pretend to snore. What was he up to? I wondered._

"_You close your eyes and rest them. Close your eyes, Sophie. Ole Damon is sound asleep. You won't see him if he gets up."_

_He was going to get up and he didn't want her to see him! That way she could tell Father she didn't see him get up if Father caught him. That sneaky rascal! I think I learned sneakiness from him._

_I lay there and listened. I could tell when he got out of bed. He didn't put his shoes on, but instead slowly came out of his room barefoot and turned down the hall. I got right out of bed too and quietly followed him. I could barely see him except for the moonlight coming in the playroom window and shining all the way to the hall. All he had on was his white drawers, like I did. And the bandage on his head, of course. He was keeping a hand on the wall, I guess for balance. He got to the head of the stairs and stopped. I stopped. I figured he was dizzy and worried about going down._

_He turned slightly and looked at me. The hall was dark there, but I know he looked at me. He didn't say anything as he turned back to the stairs and gripped the banister. I hoped he had a good grip on it. The last thing he needed was to fall again._

_Slowly and carefully he went down the stairs. I went down close behind him in case he started to loose his balance. He knew I was there, but he still didn't say anything. Neither did I. We got to the bottom and he hesitated. I reached out and took hold of his arm. He then shuffled straight for the library. I didn't have to be a genius to know he wanted a drink and he was willing to risk a fall and Father's wrath to get one._

_The library was totally dark because the heavy drapes were drawn and I made him stop. "Let me get us some light," I whispered. I was relieved when he stood with a hand on the back of a chair and stayed there while I lit a candle. We could then see where we were going. He put a hand on my shoulder and turned me toward the cabinet in which Father's liquor was stored. I knew I was disobeying Father's orders. Well, really, I was not. He had said no one was to take liquor up to Damon's room. I wasn't doing that._

_At the cabinet, Damon opened the door and reached for a bottle of bourbon. I saw that his hand was shaking, so I took it from him. After I set the candle holder on the cabinet, I got out a shot glass. I poured the stuff for him and I admit I was generous. When I handed it to him he swallowed half of it right down._

_Damon reached out and gave my shoulder a squeeze, but he still didn't say anything. He finished the drink and held it out to me for a refill. This time I was not generous. He sipped the liquor and closed his eyes. It obviously felt good to him. Maybe it eased his headache or his hunger for good food. I hoped it didn't make him more unsteady than he already was._

_I put the bottle away, half expecting him to object or snatch it back. He made some little sound of protest, but did nothing. He even let me take the glass from him and hide it in the back of the cabinet. I nodded my head toward the hallway and he nodded back. He was ready to go upstairs and he took hold of my arm. I took the candle with us as we made our way across the hall to the stairs. Now the stairway looked like a mountain to climb._

"_Go up part way, then sit down and rest," I whispered. He was able to get up to the landing before he had to sit. I sat beside him and he leaned against me a little. He was breathing hard and I hoped he could make it back to his room._

_In a minute, he used the banister to stand and went up some more steps. I stayed behind him with a hand on his back to help him. He paused again and leaned back slightly. I was afraid he was dizzy and loosing his balance. With one hand on his back and one holding the candlestick, I feared I would not be able to hold him if he fell backward. He managed to correct himself and slowly went up more steps. Up in the hall, he leaned against the wall for a moment before he moved on._

_I went with him right into his room. Sophie sat in her chair, her eyes supposedly closed. I wouldn't be surprised if she was peeking out at us. Damon eased onto his bed on his back and sighed._

"_Lie on your side," I whispered. "Just in case."_

_He did as I suggested and heaved himself onto his side and sighed again._

"_Get some sleep," I whispered. _

"_Thank you, little brother," he murmured and he reached out and squeezed my arm again. I glanced at Sophie and then left the room, taking the candle with me. In my room, I blew it out and got back into bed. I hoped I had done the right thing in helping Damon get a drink. I think he needed it._

_August 31, 1862 Nothing bad happened after Damon had his drink last night. I think he slept better. In the morning he used the commode __before__ breakfast and after a rest, he ate a good meal. It stayed down. Father came to talk to him and I guess there was no trace of liquor-breath. _

_After I had my breakfast, Damon asked me to read to him. He said the dizziness came and went, but it made it hard for him to focus on the words which sometimes got blurry. He said he hoped he wouldn't end up having to wear spectacles. Somehow, I can't imagine my brother with spectacles. Father has a pair he wears if he is reading something with small print. I think his eyesight is slowly getting worse. _

_I have a copy of the book "Silas Marner" by George Eliot. It came out last year and Gramma Remington sent me one. I was surprised to learn that the author is a woman. I chose it to read to Damon. He lay in bed with his eyes closed and listened while I read. It was a story he had not read, so I guess he found it interesting. After a while though, my droning voice put him to sleep. I could tell because he started snoring. I left his room and went over to Billy's house._

_There isn't much for Damon to do. He sleeps and eats. He plays cards when he feels up to it. Alan Lockwood came to the house late in the afternoon and played cards with Damon. I was glad he did. I asked Damon how the game went and he said Alan kept winning because he couldn't concentrate. _

_After supper, he asked me to read some more of the book. I kidded him, saying he fell asleep when I read before. Nevertheless, he told me what he recalled hearing before he went to sleep and I started reading there. He closed his eyes again, but he didn't go to sleep. I stopped reading before he did fall asleep and we talked about the story. I noticed he got some parts mixed up. I'm worried that Damon's head is more rattled than after his first injury._

_September 1, 1862 As far as I know, Damon didn't try to go downstairs last night. He was in bed where he was supposed to be this morning. Dr. Lindsey came by the house while Father was in town for the mail. I think Lindsey timed it that way so he could talk to Damon without Father being there. I was in the room, though._

"_How do you feel this morning, Damon?" he asked._

"_Not very good. Same as yesterday, I guess. Headache, dizziness. Queasy sometimes." He sat up on the edge of the bed when Lindsey told him to do so._

_Lindsey changed the bandage on Damon's head. I think it is festering a little. Lindsey put some medicine on the wound. It must have stung because Damon growled and gritted his teeth. "Have you been able to keep food down?" Lindsey asked as he finished with the bandage._

"_Yes, if I don't get up soon after I eat."_

"_Is the headache any better?"_

"_A little."_

"_Do you still have ringing in your ears?"_

"_Off and on."_

"_Do you remember riding with Stefan?"_

"_No."_

"_Do you remember the explosion in Richmond?"_

"_No. And I don't remember how I got from there to Mystic Falls. It must have been a miracle I got here at all."_

"_I agree," Lindsey said. "Let me examine your eyes." He covered one of Damon's eyes and then uncovered it. He did the same with the other eye. Lindsey had told me before that it was to test the eye pupils. They should react to light and darkness. If not, it indicated a problem. Damon's eyes were reacting properly._

"_He doesn't remember things well," I said._

"_Yes, I do," Damon fussed._

"_No, you don't. I was reading to you and you didn't remember part of what I read."_

"_I fell asleep."_

"_No, you were awake and we talked about the story and you couldn't remember part of it," I insisted._

"_That is often the case with a head injury," Lindsey said. "I want you to stand up, Damon. I want to see how your balance is." He held onto Damon's arm as he stood up. It was obvious that he was still a little unbalanced and shaky. Lindsey's grip on his arm kept him from leaning too far one way or another. Damon then sat down on the bed and I could tell he was dizzy. He swallowed several times as if he was fighting throwing up. I wondered how we managed to go downstairs in the dark of night and then get back up to the bedroom. Maybe the fact that it was dark helped._

"_Lindsey, I want to be able to have a drink now and then. Please tell my father I can have a drink or two," Damon said as he lay back down again._

"_Do you normally drink a lot? I would think in the army you wouldn't have access to liquor."_

"_I don't want to get drunk. It just relaxes me and it would help me sleep better at night," Damon argued. "It temporarily eases the headache."_

"_I don't want you taking the pain medicine and then drinking liquor. The combination has been known to kill people occasionally. That medicine has opium in it."_

"_I'd rather have the drink than the medicine," Damon insisted._

"_All right," Lindsey said. He put a limit on the amount Damon could have to drink. It was more like having a dose of it like it was medicine. He said he would leave a note for our father about it._

"_Thanks," Damon said. "Lindsey, am I improving or not?"_

"_You are, but slowly. Don't push yourself. Not yet. This new injury was a serious set-back."_

_I walked with Lindsey when he was ready to leave. Downstairs I asked if he thought my brother would really recover and Lindsey said he thought so, but he couldn't promise how much. Only time would tell._

"_He was doing so well," I said. "I feel so guilty for taking him riding. I know he wanted to do it, but he wouldn't have if I hadn't suggested it while Father was in town."_

"_Stefan, don't blame yourself. At the time, he knew what he was doing and there was no way either of you could guess his horse would spook right under a tree limb."_

"_I suppose so," I said, but I still felt guilty._

A/N Anyone have any suggestions about the story? Stefan will be starting school again. Damon will improve. He has to go back to the army eventually.


	43. Chapter 43

_Chapter4_

A/N Thanks again for reading and following. I appreciate it.

_ Lindsey walked into the library, took a small pad of paper from his doctor bag, along with a pencil, and wrote a note to Father. I didn't read it, but I know it was longer than just a suggestion that Father give Damon some liquor. I guessed that it was a general report on his condition. I then walked with him to the front door. When he turned and held out his hand, I was surprised. I shook it and felt very grown up._

_ "Keep an eye on him, Stefan," he said and I promised I would._

_ As he went to his buggy and his patiently waiting horse, I wondered what he charged Father for the visits. I'm sure Lindsey didn't see Damon regularly for free. He could never make a living doing that. I know some people have to pay him with goods like chickens, vegetables and such, but I'm sure Father can afford to give him money. Does Lindsey set the price or just take what Father offers? I'll have to ask Father._

_ Father was home for lunch. He and I sat at the dining room table and ate the meal Cook had prepared. I did ask him if he paid Lindsey and he said that of course he did. Father also read the note the doctor had left. I don't think he was pleased that Damon was allowed liquor. Father asked me if I was present when Lindsey examined Damon and I said yes. I told him how that went._

_ After lunch, I had a session with Sophie about my clothes. I have grown more over the summer, a bit taller and wider in the shoulders. Sophie has been letting out a couple of my shirts. When she made them, she allowed extra material at the side seams and shoulders. Planning ahead. Now, she brought me a couple of the shirts she had altered and asked that I try them on. I took them to my room and did as told. She came with me and checked the fit. They seemed to be all right._

_ She also had me try on a couple of trousers. As long as I had my drawers on, I didn't mind changing clothes in front of her, although I certainly have outgrown wanting her to see me naked. Still, when I was sick earlier this year, I know she did. Anyway, she said she could let down the cuffs of the pants legs one more time as well as the side seams. She said Father would have to take me shopping if I continued to grow. I certainly expect to continue to grow._

_ September 5, 1862 I had a really interesting day at school today. Mr. McCallum, my teacher, told the class about his trip to England this summer. He brought back something that he said was probably going to be really important in the future. It was a small ball, like a marble, made of something hard. He had us review the materials that our everyday things are made of. The list included metal, wood, leather, rubber, stone, clay, bone, ivory, shell, glass, paper and cloth. That covers everything, I think, not counting our food and drink. What else did we need? _

_ He explained that the little ball was made by mixing chemicals and such. It was not something made by nature. We students argued that such things as steel, vulcanized rubber, baked clay and glass were not exactly made by nature. Mr. McCallum agreed, but he said this was different. A man in England had been experimenting and made the substance. It was possible that it could be made into many shapes and therefore have unlimited uses. I wasn't sure I saw the need for it. I mean, if what we have is perfectly good, why use something else? Nevertheless, Mr. McCallum was excited._ (A/N The man had discovered what became celluloid, the precursor to plastics.)

_ When I found that Damon was awake and trying to read in my Silas Marner book, I told him about the little ball. He seemed to find it interesting, but like me, he wondered what good use could be made of it._

_ Damon seems to be a little better today. He said Lindsey had come by to see him and cleaned the wound. It was less inflamed, which was good news. He still had his head bandaged, but I'm used to him looking like that. Damon had also had a couple of shots of bourbon during the day and he was happy with that._

_ When suppertime came, Joshua dressed Damon and walked him downstairs so he could have the meal with Father and me. It was good to see him at the table. Father seemed to take care not to argue with my brother. The subject of the strange ball came up. I wondered if it was something Father could invest money in, but Father showed little interest. He said it was just an oddity. Anything made of it would probably be on display before too long at Barnum's American Museum in New York City._

_ I wish I could go see that museum. It's said some of the weirdest and oddest things are there, both_ _living and dead, like a mermaid, an extremely fat woman, a giant and a tiny dwarf. Even the famous Siamese twins were there. I'm not sure if they still are._

_ The Hodges family here in Mystic Falls has twins like the famous ones. They are two girls, Debra and Dolly. I saw them once. They are joined at the top of their heads and they can walk, but in a funny way. They are seven years old now and work in a circus sideshow as freaks. They have an older sister that looks after them. I heard they make decent money which they send home to their family, but it must be a hard life. I wonder what becomes of people like that._

_September 18, 1862 The news from yesterday is terrible. There was a battle fought in Maryland at a place called Sharpsburg on Antietam Creek. It's rumored that there were over twenty thousand casualties of soldiers wounded or dead! That's including both sides. Damon's regiment, which is mostly from our area of the state, has lost a lot of men. Damon is sad about that. Father and I are just glad our Damon is safe here at home. The word is that many of the surviving wounded have been brought by train to the hospital in Charlottesville. And in other hospitals, of course._

_ We learned this afternoon that Lindsey has been called to the hospital in Charlottesville. That is where he went to medical school. The hospital has called for many of its regional doctors to go there to help with the sick and wounded. I pray this war is over soon._

_ September 20, 1862 Damon is so much better today. His wound is completely closed up now. He can walk around without fear of falling over from dizziness. Lindsey obviously isn't going to check up on him anymore. Of course, now Father is hinting that maybe he should think about going back to the army._

_ Damon really does not have his strength back. He told me he went to the woodpile and split some of the wood with the axe. He said Old Hank, who usually does the chopping, stayed with him in case he did get weak or if he missed the wood and hit his leg. I don't want to think of him doing that. He's not in good shape yet and got tired really fast. He says he's going to do it several times a day to build up his muscles._

_ It's good to see that he can read now. I don't have to read to him. He has started a new book, since he finished Silas Marner. Damon always did find time to read. I guess it's something our family does. I know Mama loved to read and Father does it a lot. Of course, so do I._

_ September 21, 1862 Billy was here today, along with Ford Wainwright and Carlton Lockwood. We have been practicing playing baseball. Our school if finally thinking about having a baseball team. There are enough of us boys at school to make two teams. Damon knows how to pitch and he joined me and Billy. I want to be a pitcher, I think. He showed me some tricks to it._

_ Trent and Alan Lockwood joined us, which made it more fun. With only seven of us playing, we did a lot of running, although not Damon. He just hasn't completely recovered from spending so much time in bed and running makes him gasp for breath. If I am figuring right, it has been five weeks since Damon was hurt near Richmond. I don't know enough about head injuries to know if that is a long time to recover or a short time._

_ I also don't know how Damon feels about Alan not joining the army. Alan's family paid another man to serve in his place. Alan's in good shape and he's an active man. I know he can handle a gun and ride well. What is it about him that he and his family don't want him to join up? Is it just that they don't want him in such danger? He just doesn't strike me as being afraid. I'm sure he's not a coward. He claims there is something wrong with his heart. Watching him play baseball with us, I don't believe it. _(A/N Reminder: Alan is an activated werewolf. How would he hide it each full moon if he were in the army? We also have to assume that his siblings carry the trait, even if they do not know it.)

_ Father came home from a meeting in town and when he heard us laughing and hollering, he came and yelled at us. He scolded the group for our hilarity when it was a time of mourning for all the young men who were recently killed. It's true that each of us knows the local families of the boys and men lost at Sharpsburg or we know people who know families. He yelled at Damon, saying that if he was able to run around playing baseball, he could go back to his regiment, what was left of it. He even yelled at Alan for failing to go to war._

_ Damon and I were embarrassed to have our father say these things. They were true, I guess, but he shouldn't have yelled at Alan. Needless to say, the game broke up. Everyone went home. Damon and I were left to face Father. Damon was angry._

_ "How could you say that to the Lockwoods?" he yelled at Father when we were in the house. "You know Alan has a medical problem and his family has paid a man to fight in his place."_

_ "As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with Alan. He's in better health than a lot of men on the battlefield," Father snapped._

_ "Especially the dead ones!" _

_ "The dead ones who should be mourned and respected! And replaced. Look at you! You look healthy as a horse now! You go out and chop wood when we have a woodchopper. You go out and run around playing that foolish game. Go back to the war, Damon! Do your duty!"_

_ "Oh, I will. I'll be happy to get away from you! I know you can hardly wait to get me out of the house!"_

_ "I think you have been lying around on your backside far long enough. You aren't dizzy and falling over. If you can wield an axe, you can shoulder your pack and gun. If you can run around out there in the field, you can march. I'll get Dr. Bailey over here to check you out. If he says you can go, you go. And don't tell me you don't have a uniform. You know I got a new one for you from Charlottesville."_

_ Damon stormed out of the library and up to his room. I followed. He was pacing around in his room, furious and swearing._

_ "Are you really going to go?" I asked. I didn't think he was ready. I mean, it wouldn't take much to make him weak again._

_ "I think it's time, Stefan. I don't feel my best, but I can't hang around here knowing he is just waiting for me to leave. He embarrassed us and our friends! He was so rude!"_

_ Tears sprang to my eyes unbidden. "Damon, I don't want you to get killed!"_

_ "Those damned Yankees are killing us. We have to fight back! Our honor is at stake here. We are Virginians, Stefan. We have to defend our home and not let Lincoln's army run right over us. You haven't seen the devastation a battle can bring. Everything we have here could be destroyed, and I don't mean just the loss of our slaves. The house and barns could be burned. The crops wiped out. The livestock taken."_

_ He saw my tears and gave me a big hug. With his arms around me I could feel both his thinness and his strength. I know his words are true, but I selfishly want my brother to be safe._

_September 22, 1862 My brother left for the army again this morning before I went to school. He had no regulation pack and no rifle. He did take some supplies with him in a sack. He looked good in his new uniform. Father let him take the least of our horses to ride to Charlottesville. Damon could have taken McKinley, but he would have had to sell him. I wanted to go to Charlottesville with him, but Father said it was too far and he, Father, was not going._

_All the house staff watched my brother ride off. Before Damon rode away, Father said something to him which none of us heard. I suspect, from Father's expression, that he told him to be safe. I know, deep down, Father cares. I hope Damon realizes that, too._

_ I walked to school with Billy and told him Damon had left. I apologized for the way Father had acted. Billy said he had told his father, who had said my father just voiced what many others believed. I know Mr. Gilbert would not have rudely yelled at our group._

_ At school, I also apologized to Trent, Carlton and Ford. They didn't seem bothered by Father's rant. Maybe their parents agreed, although Mr. Lockwood must have been upset when Alan told him what Father said._

_ Word has reached many parts of the Confederacy that President Lincoln intends to issue a proclamation sometime in the near future called the Emancipation Proclamation. It is meant to free all the slaves in the Confederacy. Needless to say, none of the slave owners are going to let their slaves just walk away. Father certainly isn't going to and he has told his slaves that. He says Lincoln has no right to free slaves in the Confederacy, which is an independent country now. In addition, Lincoln has no way to enforce his so-called emancipation._

_ I asked Sophie what she thought of it. She said it was not for her to say. However, when I pressed her, she did say that she belonged to Mr. Salvatore and even if he set her free, she would stay. This is her home. As for the field hands, she admitted they would be happy to leave as freedmen._

_ October 1, 18621862 I am sure I heard that dog or wolf howling again last night. It must do it when the moon is full, although it doesn't do it the night before or the night after when the moon looks just as full. Odd._

_ I miss Damon. I go into his room where his scent is still there. Sophie has the room all neat and clean, with clean sheets on the bed. The curtains are open and the windows let in plenty of light. Mama's commode is not longer there. Damon's clothes have been washed and ironed and hung in the armoire or put in the dresser drawers._

_ I suppose Damon got to his regiment all right. We haven't heard from him. All around our area there have been funerals and memorial services for men who perished at Sharpsburg._

_October 14, 1862 We have heard that our Jeb Stuart and his cavalry invaded Pennsylvania and came away with tons of supplies and several hundred horses. Good for him!_

_ October 20, 1862 We finally got a letter from Damon! He is well enough. He says he is sad about the men he knew who are now gone. Things have been sort of quiet as far as battles here in the east are concerned. There are some clashes going on in other parts of the south. Maybe this quiet period means the war is winding down. I hope so. I'm just glad Damon is all right._

A/N I hope you all liked this chapter. Sorry, but I had to send Damon back to the war. By the way, I called the battle at Antietam by the name of Sharpsburg because in the South, they called battles by the name of the nearest place, rather than by the name of the creek. Another example is Manassas instead of Bull Run. Please comment. It keeps me going.


	44. Chapter 44

_Chapter 44_

A/N I am so pleased you all are reading, following and commenting. This chapter has some history and some adventure.

_ October 23, 1862 Father finally got hold of some recent copies of Harper's Weekly. It is printed in New York City so it is hard to come by now, but it is a great paper when it comes to reporting on what is going on. It also has wonderful illustrations, especially of the battlefields. One thing it pointed out, that I was unsure of last month, was about Sharpsburg. I found out that the number of dead was not as great as I thought. Something like nine thousand of our Southern men were wounded and I'm sure some of them died. Over a thousand were killed on the battlefield. I know quite a few were from around here because of the services that were held._

_ November 7, 1862 The Lockwoods have suffered a tragedy. For some reason Alan was out and about late last night and someone murdered him! They cut off his head and cut his heart out! That is so gruesome and unbelievable! His body was found on the north side of town with no clothes on. Who would do something like that? The attacker must be insane. _

_ I went with Father over to the Lockwood house. They are in shock and grieving. Alan was their second oldest boy. His older brother Richard died of illness some years ago. Now they have lost Alan. It is ironic. He was safe from being killed in battle, but not from a brutal murderer. Trent and Carlton were in tears like the rest of his family and I didn't know what to do or say. Their family has been reduce to the one girl Lilly and the three boys Trent, Carlton and seven-year-old Mason, their "later in life" child._

_ The sheriff and other law officers are searching the area and talking to people to see if anyone heard or saw anything. No one did as far as I know. I heard there were boot prints near the body, but I don't think that is really helpful. Too many boots. I also heard that some people think it was some sort of satanic ritual. I hope Alan didn't suffer before he died._

_ This evening I am adding to the letter I have been writing to Damon. I have to tell him his friend Alan is dead. I know Damon was as close to him as I am to Billy. I can't imagine how I would feel if Billy died._

_ November 22, 1862 Today I celebrated having lived fifteen years. Not much of a celebration, except we did have a nice Thanksgiving dinner with the Gilberts. I miss Damon and everyone is still upset about Alan. No one has been arrested for his murder. I don't like to go out at night now._

_ November 25, 1862 I received a nice letter from my baby brother Peter. He wished me a happy birthday. He's nine years old. I wonder if I will ever meet him. I'm going to write to him. Since I got his letter, I guess the mail is somehow moving between the Confederacy and the Union. Perhaps there are people who sneak mail across the line. _

_There are a few Southern boys fighting for the Yankee side, although I don't know why. Anyway, I wonder if family letters get to them or the other way around. Maybe the families have disowned them and don't write at all. If brother meets brother in battle, what happens? _

_There are also some men who desert the army, change their name and sign up again so they can get the money paid to new sign-ups. I have heard that they do it over and over until they get caught. Father says there will always be people who try to take advantage of the system. I hate to say this, but it sounds almost like something Damon would do. And yet, I think he has more honor than that._

_December 25, 1862 Christmas. I just don't find the holiday very cheerful. I went to the Christmas Eve church service with Barbara Ann's family last evening. That was nice. It reminded me of when Mama was alive and she would take Damon and me to church on Christmas Eve. I love the singing and the candle light and the scene with Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. Most years real people play the part of the holy family. Mrs. McCaffrey's baby Percy was Jesus this time. He woke up and started crying loudly. His mother had to take him somewhere to feed him and change his wet swaddling clothes. I wonder if Mary had to do that for Jesus when the Wise Men came to call. Babies are babies._

_It's been cold today. I hope Damon has a nice warm great coat and a tent to sleep in and a fire to keep him warm. When he was here, he told me he still does some of the cooking for the men in his squad. I find that amusing. He doesn't do anything in the kitchen when he is home, at least not in years. But then, why should he? Cook takes care of our food. If the Confederacy should lose the war and the slave all go free and Cook leaves, will I have to cook our meals? I can't imagine Father doing it. _

_January 5, 1863 We got a letter from Damon! It's always a relief. He was at Fredericksburg and the area where all that fighting occurred, but he was not hurt. He said he is feeling well, or as well as a person can feel under the living conditions. He also said he was saddened to hear that Alan Lockwood was murdered. He told me to give his condolences to his family. I will do that._

_ January 9, 1863 We had a nice dance at school. I danced with Stefanie and Barbara Ann and even Ilana. I felt a bit awkward dancing with her, but she seemed all right. I asked if all was well with her and she said things were much improved. She said she was betrothed to a young man four years older than her. Her parents and a "match maker" arranged the marriage with the fellow, who lives in Charlottesville and the wedding will be in the spring. She has only met him once. She may or may not continue to attend school after that. Once she marries and has children, further education is not important. She will have a home to run and babies to raise._

_January 17, 1863 Today was a cold day, but a sunny one. Billy and I rode our horses for a couple of hours. We had a foolish adventure. We came to the area where the cave was located, the one where I saw the "dead" man who apparently was a sleeping vampire. We sat on our horses and stared at the entrance and wondered if a bear or even a vampire might be inside. There was no snow by the entrance, so there were no footprints._

"_Do you think anything is in there?" Billy asked._

"_I don't know. Want to find out?" I said. I knew he did._

_We got off the horses and tied them to a tree. Then we approached the low entrance to the cave. I felt fear rising because this was potentially dangerous, but I didn't want Billy to see my fear. I had to assume he was scared, too. It made it exciting. We paused outside the entrance and stared at it, sniffing the air. If a bear was inside, could we smell it?_

"_You go first," Billy whispered._

"_Why? This was your idea."_

"_No, it wasn't. It was yours."_

_Well, maybe. I don't remember, to tell the truth. Anyway, we got down on our hands and knees side by side and tried to see inside. It was dark in there. I felt like I had to know. After all, I went in there last spring._

_I crept forward, straining to hear any breathing. I sniffed the air, hoping that an animal smell would warn me and I could back out really fast. Of course, Billy was right behind me, so I guess backing out was not an easy option._

_Once I was just inside the entrance, I stopped and let my eyes adjust to the dimness. I feared either a bear or a vampire, but it would be just as bad if a pair of skunks were there. As my eyes adjusted, my heart skipped a beat. Just like last time, there was a man there, either sleeping or dead. _

_Billy squeezed inside and up beside me. He saw the man also. We both stared. There would have been more light, but our own bodies were blocking most of the outside light from coming in. Still, we could see him. If he was dead, he didn't smell. If he was asleep, he wasn't breathing, or at least it looked like he wasn't. It was hard to tell because he had on what looked like a long, hooded wool cape. The hood wasn't over his face because he was sleeping on his back._

"_He looks like he's a young fellow," Billy whispered to me. "Do you think he's a hobo or an outlaw?"_

_I shrugged. How would I know? He did look young, maybe still in his teens._

_When he suddenly opened his eyes and saw us, all three of us gasped and sort of jumped back. We all hit our heads on the rocky roof of the cave._

"_Who are you?" the fellow asked, eyeing us fearfully._

"_Who are you?" Billy asked. "Why are you in here?"_

"_I was sleeping. I was on the road all night and I got tired. I saw this cave this morning and crawled in here. Is this your property?"_

"_No," I said. "We were just checking out the cave. Who are you?"_

"_My name is Jacques. What's yours?" He held out his gloved hand. . He pronounced his name almost like "Jock," but I remember a French boy by that name and I know he spelled it as I have spelled it, Jacques. He died of illness a few years ago._

_ Billy and I introduced ourselves and shook his hand. Even in the dim light I could tell he was blond and blue-eyed. He had an accent that was different from around here. His skin was pale, but that's not unusual in the winter. Don't people with French names usually have dark hair and brown eyes? Maybe he really was not of French descent._

_ "Where are you from?" I asked._

_ "Louisiana."_

_ "You're a long way from home," Billy said. "Are you from New Orleans?"_

_ "No. Lafayette."_

_ "I don't know where that is," Billy said. That sort of surprised me because he has a wonderful memory for geography._

_ "It's west of New Orleans. Cajun country. I'm just wandering around seeing the country."_

_ For some reason, I had a feeling he was lying. Why would a person wander up here to Virginia where so much fighting is taking place? Perhaps he was running from the law, despite his youth. He wasn't an African slave. Maybe he was a runaway indentured servant. Maybe he wanted to join the fighting, but surely he could have joined a regiment from Louisiana. Then again, maybe the Louisiana regiments are up here fighting the Yankees. I don't know._

_ What happened next was strange. I am going to try to write it, but I'm not sure I can. I was told not to tell anyone, not to speak of it. Afterward, Billy and I did not speak a word of it, even to each other as we rode home._

_ Billy, Jacques and I were sitting together in the cave when our new friend leaned close to me, looked me in the eye with his pale ones and whispered, "You will not speak of what we say or do here to anyone. Not to anyone. Do you understand?"_

_ I nodded. How strange for him to say that, unless he was about to tell us a really big secret. "I won't breathe a word," I promised. I thought his breath smelled odd, but then again that is true of a lot of people._

_He then leaned close to Billy and said the same thing. Billy also promised._

_Since I am writing these words, apparently I can write what happened, even if I can't say the words out loud. And I can't. I'll know in a minute._

_Jacques then looked at me again. "You will not be afraid."_

_He swung his mesmerizing gaze to Billy. "And you will not be afraid."_

_He shifted his seat on the ground a bit closer to Billy and reached out as if to touch Billy's cheek. Instead, he calmly put his hand on the side of Billy's neck and made him lean slightly toward him. _

"_This will not hurt you, Billy. Just a little sting. Trust me," I heard him say softly. Even in the dim light I saw his face change. I had seen it before. Vampire! And yet, I was not afraid. Something about this was not right, but I didn't feel panic. I was fascinated as I watched his fangs appear as he drew back his lips. He tilted his head and drove his fangs into Billy's neck. _

_Billy jumped a little, his eyes growing bigger, but he didn't look afraid. I could tell the bite hurt a little because of the expression on my friend's face, but he didn't pull away. I was surprised that Jacques made a moaning sound, one of pleasure, if I am not mistaken. The expression on Billy's face softened and I think maybe he felt some pleasure in it, too._

_Despite my calmness, I found I was worried. Was Jacques killing Billy? Shouldn't I do something? My concern increased when Billy whined and rolled his eyes. He was about to pass out!_

_Jacques' face changed again to normal. I saw his tongue licking blood from Billy's neck and also from his own lips. His face moved away from Billy and he used his free hand to wipe his red chin, licking blood from his hand. He still had a hand on Billy's neck, supporting him, but now he carefully laid him down onto his back._

"_Billy is fine, Stefan. Don't worry. He just fainted," the blond boy said to me._

_I stared at him. Was he about to bite me, too? I felt a strange combination of calmness and worry._

"_I am not going to bite you, Stefan," Jacques said, his tone calming. "As soon as Billy wakes up, you two will ride away from here. You won't tell anyone what happened here. You won't mention me being here. It won't worry you. Do you understand?"_

"_Yes," I found myself saying._

"_You are a nice fellow. I like you," he said to me. Then we sat for a few minutes and he told me about his home town. Then Billy groaned and woke up. He sat up, although he swayed a bit for a moment. He touched his neck and then looked at his fingers. The two small puncture marks were not bleeding._

"_You are fine, Billy. Maybe a little dizzy. Be careful for the next few minutes," Jacques told him in that soothing voice. "Stefan, I will not be here after sundown. I will leave the area. Don't worry about me. Now, when you get outside, hold onto Billy until his is steady. Help him get on his horse. Take him home. Oui? Yes?"_

"_Yes. Come on, Billy," I said and I started him crawling to the cave entrance. To make a long story short, we got on our horses and rode to his place. I wanted to go you my house, but we had been told to go to his, so we did. Billy regained his balance quickly. I wanted to ask him if he hurt, how he felt. I couldn't. I think he wanted to talk about what happened. He couldn't._

_I came home after seeing Billy into his house. I am calmly amazed. I sat in a cave and talked to a vampire! I watched him feed from my best friend. I promised not to tell and I won't._

_So here I am writing this. I don't think Jacques considered the possibility that one of us was keeping a journal and that we would write about the episode. I am glad that I have done so. I can tell that I will not show this journal entry to anyone. I must not._

A/N Stefan finally met another vampire. I hoped you all liked this encounter. Let me know.


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

A/N I would like to take a minute here to explain something to Jenny and others who wonder if Damon and Stefan supported slavery during the Civil War. Stefan, a boy of 14/15 years of age at the time, did not know any other way of life other than that of living on a modest farm (small plantation) worked by slaves. The part of Virginia where they lived did not have huge plantations growing cotton, tobacco or sugar cane. His family had money and a nice house, but they were not wealthy. Giuseppe Salvatore had enough slaves to take care of things and he was not known to be a cruel master (except toward Damon.)

The arguments against having slaves became a confusing issue for Stefan. He was very fond of those that worked in the house. He liked those that worked the yard, vegetable garden and the stables. He rarely saw the field hands. Still, he was aware that slaves were bought, sold, mistreated and sometimes killed.

Damon, having gone to college and having no interest in running the family farm, had a somewhat different view of slavery. He had come to believe that enslaving people and treating them like animals was not right, but he came from the same background as Stefan and he didn't truly hate slavery. He didn't want to see the family farm destroyed by the loss of slave labor. He recognized that, although slavery was a huge issue, it was not the only issue. Politically, he didn't believe the "free" states and President Lincoln had the right to tell the "slave" states what they should do. There was such a thing as "states' rights" in the United States.

Once the South seceded from the Union, Damon chose to fight for the South in the war because he was expected to do so by his father and his neighbors, and because he was a Virginian and he wanted to defend the state from aggression from the North. Other than staying on the farm with his annoying father, going to college again or getting a job, he had nothing else to do.

So, that is my opinion on what Damon and Stefan thought of the slavery issue and why Damon fought for the South.

_Chapter 45_

_ Because the weather is cold outside and not very warm indoors, our clothing includes garments with collars. I know Billy had a nice knitted woolen sweater on and it covered the bite marks when he pulled the collar up. At some point, however, one of his parents noticed them. Apparently, they questioned my friend and he couldn't tell them anything. _

_ It was late in the afternoon, when the winter sun was getting low, when Mr. Gilbert came pounding on our front door and Joshua let him in. Father was in the library as usual and Mr. Gilbert hurried in there. I was up in my room, but I heard him shout Father's name. I went to stand at the head of the stairs._

_ "Billy was bitten by a damned vampire!" I heard Mr. Gilbert say. He was too upset to care who heard him._

_ "What?" Father asked, obviously alarmed._

_ "He was out riding with Stefan this afternoon. Now he has the bite marks on his neck! He won't tell me what happened. Giuseppe, I don't think he is able to tell me because he is mesmerized! I need to talk to Stefan."_

_ Father came to the door of the library and bellowed my name._

_ "I'm right here, Father," I said as I went down the stairs. I was afraid. He was going to question me and I knew I couldn't just come out and say what happened. Father and Mr. Gilbert came from the library toward the stairs. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, Father grabbed me and started pulling at the collar of my clothes._

_ "Did you see the vampire bite Billy?" he demanded. "Did it bite you?"_

_ I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't tell him the truth. I just stared at him. He shook me by the arm._

_ "Answer me!"_

_ I should have said something, but I just looked at him. I have no idea what expression was on my face._

_ "Did you go riding with my son Billy today?" Mr. Gilbert asked. He didn't shout at me._

_ "Yes."_

_ "Where did you ride?"_

_ "We went south along Willow Creek and came back by the road."_

_ "Did you stop anywhere?"_

_ "We stopped several times."_

_ "Where?"_

_ I told him, but not of the cave. I found I couldn't mention the cave. It's hard to believe the power of that mesmerizing voice._

_ "Where was the last place you stopped?" my friend's father asked patiently._

_ "Your house."_

_ "Where was the last place you stopped before my house, Stefan?"_

_ I just stared at him. _

_ "Answer him, damn it!" Father yelled at me. He still had hold of my arm and it hurt. I was afraid he might hit me._

_ "You're hurting my arm, Father," I finally said. He let go._

_ "Tell Mr. Gilbert where you and Billy stopped last. Where you met the vampire."_

_ "I can't."_

_ My father slapped my face, which brought tears to my eyes. I tried to blink them away._

_ "Wait, Giuseppe," Mr. Gilbert said. "I think both he and Billy have been mesmerized. They can't tell."_

_ "That's ridiculous," my father said. "Stefan, you know what happened. You tell us in your own words."_

_ "I can't."_

_ "Did you go to that cave where you saw that dead man?" Mr. Gilbert asked._

_ Again, I couldn't answer. An idea occurred to me. I walked by them and into the library and they followed me. I went to Father's desk, picked up his quill pen and dipped it in the inkwell. There were a couple of papers on the desk. On the lower corner of one of them I wrote "yes." I didn't pick up the paper. I just turned and walked back out into the foyer. Behind me I heard Father say "Yes."_

_ I realized I was angry, not only at Father's roughness, but at Jacques. It is true he had not really harmed either me or Billy, but he had certainly taken liberties with Billy and stolen a certain amount of his blood. And he had taken away our ability to say what we wanted to say. I think that is what bothered me the most. I was not sorry I had found a way to answer Mr. Gilbert's question._

_ After I went back up to my room, I know the two men left the house. I'm sure they took wooden stakes and went to the cave to kill Jacques. I looked out the window and saw that the sun had just gone down behind the hills and mountains to our west. Would Jacques make a run for it? Would he leave the cave the minute the sun no longer shown in that area? Neither Billy nor I could describe the vampire to anyone, so if the young fellow was on the road now, would anyone think he was the one?_

_Could I write out a description and leave it for Father to see? Should I? Just because Jacques spared our lives, it didn't mean that he wouldn't kill someone on the road. Maybe he killed someone every night._

_ One thing Billy and I learned was that vampires do not necessarily sleep deeply all day. I must remember that. I suppose I was lucky that the first one I found in the cave hadn't woken and killed me._

_ In my room, I did write a description of Jacques. I only wrote four words in a colum,. White, Blond, Blue?, Young. I took the paper to the stairs and dropped it down to the hall floor. Joshua was there and saw me drop it._

_ "I think it belongs to my father," I told him. He picked it up and took it to the library. I came back to my room and stared out my window. The evening sky turned pink and then darkened. I know my thoughts were jumbled. I finally saw Father ride back to the barn and then come to the house. I was standing in my darkened room, but I heard Sophie come into the room with a candle and she lit my lamp, brightening my room._

_ "You be all right?" she asked me with concern._

_ "I'm all right, Sophie," I assured her. My cheek still smarted from where Father had slapped me, but I didn't care._

_ When I went downstairs for supper a short while later, I was surprised when Father apologized for slapping me. He said he hadn't realized that I really couldn't tell. He told me the cave was empty, that he and Mr. Gilbert probably arrived just minutes too late. He thanked me for the information that was on the piece of paper. I didn't say anything. I still couldn't saw anything related to Jacques._

_ "Did anyone today do anything to hurt you? Anyone at all?" he asked._

_ "No, sir," I said. I knew he didn't mean to include the slap he gave me._

_ He stared at me for a long moment. I don't know what he was thinking. "Well, good. I wouldn't want anyone to do you harm," he finally said. _

_ So, this evening I am writing this. I suspect that is the end of the episode and I'm glad._

_January 18, 1863 This morning I went over to the Gilbert house to see if Billy was all right. He seemed to be in good spirits. Although we wanted to talk about Jacques, we didn't. It was a subject we would have to let go. It was past and over._

_ I did say to him, "You know, there is a cave south of here which I think we should stay clear of in the future. Could be a bear or something in there."_

_ "I think that's a fair idea," he said, nodding._

_ One of the bite marks was just visible above his collar. Jacques had bitten him in such a way that the marks were one above the other. The one I could see was small and had a scab on it. _

_ I spent much of the day at the Gilbert house. Prior to the evening meal, Mrs. Gilbert had me go home and invite my father to eat with them. Father accepted and we walked in silence back to our neighbors' house. We had a nice meal with them. No one mentioned vampires._

_ They had had a letter from Lindsey who said he was overworked and exhausted. He said he found war wounds to be awful and it upset him a lot. He said there were not enough supplies and he hated doing surgery without enough ether or chloroform. I suspect he means they just held down the patient and did what had to be done._

_ Roland, who was quiet during this conversation, finally spoke up. He said he was going to go up North and join the other army. Roland can be very contrary, but to say that is extreme. I know there have been Southerners who have done that, but I'm surprised he is thinking that. He must have said it to his family before because they didn't look surprised. Father and I were, of course._

_ "Why would you do that?" Father asked._

_ "I don't like that the country is divided. I am a citizen of the United States and proud of it. And I don't think slavery should continue. It's wrong," Roland said firmly. I think he's seventeen now. I guess he can get into the army if he says he's eighteen. _

_ "That's easy for you to say, young man. Your family doesn't have crops that need planting and harvesting every year," my father said with more patience than I expected. "And you do have two Irish people serving you here."_

_ I won't write here the long conversation and argument that followed. I watched Roland's parents and I could tell they had been through the arguments before. They had come to accept the fact that one of their children was going to join the enemy. I suspect they are more concerned for his safety than for what side he fights on._

_ He is the first person that I know well who is turning his back on the South. I think I understand his thinking, but I don't agree with it. This whole business is confusing to me. I thought my future would be on our farm and that I would share it with a wife and our future children. Now, I don't know what the future holds._

A/N What do you all think? Is the history stuff boring? Did you like the encounter with the vampire? Please review!


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46

A/N Thank you for reading and commenting, guys. Stefan's life continues.

_ January 19, 1863 I was rereading what I wrote last night. I don't know what I was thinking about Roland. I wrote his age wrong. He must be nineteen, maybe even twenty by now. He confuses me. He went away after school last June and we all assumed he joined the army like Damon did. In the six months that he was gone he wrote one letter to his family. It didn't say what part of the army he was in. It didn't say if he was in any battles. In fact, it didn't say where he was or what he was doing._

_ He came home in November looking very thin and pale. He told his family that he had been ill. They were concerned that he had gotten consumption, but Dr. Bailey examined him and didn't think that he did. Roland coughed sometimes, but not any more than someone who had a cold. Since November, he has improved and put on a little weight. Now apparently he feels the need to go to war again ( if he ever did in the first place) and do it on the side of the enemy. He's a strange person._

_ February 2, 1863 There was a discussion in school today about the Emancipation Proclamation that Mr. Lincoln put forth a month ago. It was not the first discussion I have heard on the subject in the past weeks and I'm sure it won't be the last._

_ The proclamation frees only the slaves in the "rebellious states." There are slave states in the South that are not fighting, so they are not" rebellious." In addition, there are slaves in the North, but the rule doesn't apply to them either. All that is supposed to punish the rebellious states, I guess, but the truth is that the slave owners are not letting their slaves go. And no one is making them do it. So what is the point?_

_ All right, I admit I have heard of slaves that have been freed. It is in places like New Orleans where the Northern soldiers have taken over. In the few places there the South has lost control over towns and land, the slaves have been set free. A good number of those colored men have joined the Northern army. I don't know if that means they have been given guns. Father says it is very dangerous to let ex-slaves have guns. I don't know what the females and little ones are doing._

_ February 4, 1863 Billy's brother Roland left home this morning and headed for Charlottesville where he can catch a train east. According to Billy, he plans to get off somewhere on the way to Richmond and make his way north to join the Union army. His family is really unhappy about that and I don't blame them. In fact, I know Billy is ashamed of Roland. At school he has told other students that his brother has gone to fight in the war again, but he doesn't mention in which army. I think my father and I are the only ones who know that, but I bet sooner or later the word will get out._

_ Billy had told me before that Roland had been having nightmares off and on since he had been home, but today he told me a bit more about that. He seemed reluctant, but on the other hand, I think he wanted to share what he felt._

_ "He had another nightmare last night," he told me as we walked to school this morning. It was a frosty morning, not unusual for this time of year._

_ "He woke you up?" I asked, although of course he had, otherwise Billy wouldn't have known he had the nightmare. I knew Billy's bedroom was next to Roland's. Apparently Roland never had talked about the dreams in front of Billy, although he may have told his parents._

_ "He was mumbling and shouting like he's done before since he came home. But this time I caught the words better. I think something bad happened to him and I don't think it was a war thing."_

_ "What do you mean?"_

_ "He was shouting things like 'Don't do that. Stop. You're hurting me. Please stop.' He said it more than once and then he was quiet. I think he woke up. I heard Pa go to his room and talk to him, but I couldn't hear what they were saying."_

_ "Someone hurt him on purpose. Maybe tortured him?" The thing about this was that a memory came back to me. The day at school a few years ago when I caught that teacher doing something to a boy that he should not have been doing. Could something like that have happened to Roland?_

_ "I think someone did hurt him. I hate to think of what it might have been," Billy said with a worried look on his face. Maybe he had the same idea that I did. On the other hand, maybe someone just beat Roland up a few times. He is the type fellow that says things that make people angry._

_ Billy didn't say anything more about the subject because two other students joined us as we got closer to school. After school, Billy didn't bring it up again._

_ March 12, 1863 I'm glad spring is right around the bend. I am tired of winter. The days are getting longer and one thing that means is that the vampires have to stay hidden later in the day. I haven't seen or heard of any more vampires in this area since the blond fellow, but I worry sometimes if I am out after the sun goes down._

_ Ilana is still in school. She told me she will marry when school gets out. She says she is really looking forward to it. She doesn't say so, but I think she is looking forward to having a man all her own who will pleasure her whenever she wants it. I hope she finds some happiness in her marriage._

_ April 15, 1863 We got a letter from Damon. He is all right. He's been assigned to the camp of some officers to do certain jobs. He says he likes it because he doesn't end up in the midst of the fighting, but he misses the men he was with before. Several of them have been together since they signed up, but of course, some of the group are gone due to death or injury. He says he has met both General Jackson and General Lee and has great respect for the men. He doesn't say just what his duties in camp are, but I'm glad he is safer than before._

_ Billy told me his father has been working on some experiments. _

_ "Your father is always working on some kind of odd thing," I told him. "What is it now?"_

_ "He thinks he can make a device that will point out vampires."_

_ "I don't think that's possible, Billy," I said. "I think he's trying just because you were bitten by one and he wants to protect his family."_

_ "I agree. But who knows what he may come up with? If we have to believe in the vampires, maybe it's right that we should believe Pa can make something that will point them out."_

_ "It's not like they're made of iron magnetite and a compass will point at them," I reasoned._

_ "How do we know what they are made of? They aren't human like us, even if they look like it. Maybe they do have a lot of iron in their bodies. You know our blood has iron in it. Maybe theirs has a lot more, especially since they drink blood."_

_ This made me wonder. Maybe Billy was right. "If the vampires had too much iron in their bodies, wouldn't magnets keep sticking to them?" I asked him. _

_The idea of them walking around with magnets clinging to them or of them getting pulled to a magnet struck us as funny and we both ended up laughing until our sides hurt._

_ May 1, 1863 There is a battle going on at Chancellorsville. The war seems to be centered around that eastern part of Virginia. I guess it is because that is where the two armies have been located for quite a while. They move here and there, but not very far. From what has come in over the telegraph we have learned that our troops have been defeating the Yankees, but our General Jackson has been wounded. That still leaves General Lee in charge. I hope Damon is in the camp and not getting shot at._

_May 3, 1863 General "Stonewall" Jackson has died. It is really a shame. He was much respected. The word is that he was accidentally shot some days ago by one of our own men and had an arm amputated. Still and all, he has died._

_Today at supper Father and I somehow got to talking about witches. I asked him what he thought of them._

"_Do you think there really are witches, Father? The legend tells of a group of so-called witches being killed somewhere near Mystic Falls."_

"_Some people were killed here years ago. Mostly women. It was believed that they were witches and that they were causing some problems by casting spells."_

"_What kind of problems?" I asked. I knew what the stories said, but I wondered what Father thought, since he also knew about vampires._

"_I believe some livestock were dying. And someone's crop failed. It was known that there was a little settlement of odd folks and that some of them practiced witchcraft. They would make circles and pentagrams and light a bunch of candles. They were heard to do chanting. A couple of the women were unusually good with certain herbs and made concoctions that were supposed to cure diseases. But they also did spells so that one person could take revenge on another. That kind of thing is practiced by the Africans on the Caribbean islands. They call it voodoo."_

"_The group of witches were Africans?" I asked. "Were they slaves?"_

"_I think they were mostly white people, but there were a few coloreds among them. It was a long time ago, Stefan. All we really have is the legend. Who knows what is the truth?"_

_I knew my father was no expert on the subject of witches or the voodoo. Why should he be? So, I had to take his words with a grain of salt, as they say. I think that he believes there are people who practice certain things and therefore there are witches. I don't think he has any fear of them if there are any around today. He certainly doesn't dash out to hunt them down and kill them like he and Mr. Gilbert do the vampires._

_May 8, 1863 There is a town dance tomorrow night. I asked Stefanie Holstedt if she was going and she said yes. I asked if she would save a dance for me and she said of course she would. So now I am looking forward to that. I like her so much._

A/N I hope you liked this chapter. I am trying to come up with some sort of adventure for Stefan and his friends, but so far I have not. Stay tuned.


	47. Chapter 47

_Chapter 47_

A/N Well, I think I found a bit of an adventure for Stefan.

_May 9, 1863 I am writing this late in the evening. It must be almost midnight. A terrible thing happened, but let me go back a bit. I am going to try to write what happened in order._

_ Father and I went to the dance. We both were dressed in our better clothes, the ones we usually wear to dances and such. I talked to the boys a lot because a group of us usually stand and watch the girls while we sips whatever is available for us young ones. The adults won't let us have the hard stuff, but of course the older boys manage to get it. Someone always brings jugs of the potent stuff from a backwoods still. I've sipped it a few times, but it is awful and I really don't want to get drunk._

_ I danced with Barbara Ann, Billy's sister Amy and Mary O'Toole. What I wanted was to dance with Stefanie. Finally, we had the chance and it was fun. After the dance she and I went outside to cool down. There were people out there, so we moved away a bit. We got to holding hands and talking and we walked away from the place. No one called us back._

_ Out in the dark of the cool night, with a half moon lighting our way, I leaned close to her. Would she let me kiss her? Yes, she did. I gently touched my lips to hers. We both tasted of the fruit punch we had had to drink. She pulled back and giggled shyly. I intended to kiss her again, but I thought it wise not to be too eager. So, we walked further down the road, moving into town a bit._

_ We were standing in the middle of the deserted road, but not near one of the lit street lights that flickered here and there, when I turned to face her again. _

_ "I really like you a lot, Stefanie," I said. I couldn't bring myself to say I love her, but maybe I do. I think of her a lot, usually in a way I wouldn't dare tell her. _

_ "I like you a lot, too," she whispered, playing with a button on my waistcoat. _

_I put my finger under her chin and tilted her head up a bit so I could plant another kiss on her lips. I knew that if she were Ilana, she would already be bruising my lips and feeling my crotch, but Stefanie was not like that. Still, she did kiss me back and her hands pressed against my sides. I didn't press my trousers against her skirt. I didn't want her to feel my member getting excited._

_She drew back a bit and looked around. "We've come a ways from the dance. We better head back before my Daddy comes looking for me."_

"_I suppose we should," I said, although it went against my inner feelings. Still, I didn't want to damage her reputation._

_ Then we heard something that distracted us from our pleasant moment. It was a cry, like someone was hurt and scared. My first thought was that a vampire was attacking someone. Maybe it was foolish of me, but I turned toward the sound and went to help. I knew vampires could be chased away if they were seen biting someone. I dragged Stefanie with me so there were be two of us to scare the creature._

_ Well, it wasn't a vampire. I saw a man in the yard of a house and he was bent over another man. A bit of light flashed on a big knife blade and I realized the one man was stabbing the other several times. The attacker turned and looked at us because Stefanie let out a cry of fear. I saw who the man was even in the dim light. It was Mr. Draper, Frank Draper, William Draper's father._

_ It dawned on me suddenly that Stefanie and I were in danger. We witnessed his stabbing someone. Murdering someone! I held onto her hand tightly and turned and ran. I was going to go back to the dance where just about everyone in town was now. But Mr. Draper dashed in that direction and cut us off. I yanked Stefanie after me and we headed down another street into the center of town._

_ I have no doubt I could have outrun the man and made it back to the dance and help, but Stefanie was sobbing and gasping for breath as we ran. Her hoopskirt and dance slippers were not made for running like that. I thought about splitting up, about hiding her in a dark corner and going on myself, but with her sobbing, I know Mr. Draper would hear her. If he was intent on killing us witnesses, he would stop to kill her and then hunt me. I was more scared for her than I was for myself._

_ We came to the center of town where the square was and the court house that contained the sheriff's office._

"_Go to the sheriff's office," Stefanie gasped._

_ "He's at the dance! So is the deputy!" I had seen the sheriff dancing with his wife. I had also seen the deputy dancing with someone. He was not married._

_There were no lights in any window, not even in the courthouse. Sheriff Forbes' office was right there on the right hand side of the building and the windows were all dark. All businesses were closed down and everyone was at the dance. I suppose there were people at home here and there, but I didn't have time to look. I could hear the boot-thumps of the man chasing us. We were lucky that he couldn't run faster than we could. Mr. Draper is on the heavy side and I could hear his breathing, but he wasn't slowing down._

_ I dragged Stefanie through the trees on the square with the intention of cutting back toward the dance, but Mr. Draper anticipated that and headed me off. I swore under my breath and yelled at Stefanie to run harder. I didn't know where to go. _

_ "I can't go on," Stefanie gasped. "I have a pain in my side and I stepped on something and hurt my foot."_

_ "You have to run, Steffie. I know you don't want to die. He'll hurt you worse than your side or your foot."_

_ She was game, I have to say. She continued to run, but she was limping and she was bent over with pain. I led her away from the square. Then a thought occurred to me and I headed down the road that went east of town._

_ "Where are we going?"_

_ "I have an idea where we can find help," I told her. I hoped I was right._

_ I could still hear the killer thumping alone behind us. If only I could hide Stefanie and lead him away, but I feared he would just go after her first. Why didn't he get a horse and ride out of town? Why didn't he use this time to escape?_

_ We were a little farther ahead of him as we ran down the dirt road, so I figured he was getting tired. I could have out-run him easily, but not my friend. Up ahead I saw a lighted porch and light coming from windows. Yes! Someone was there._

_ "We're almost there. You can make it," I urged._

_ She looked ahead and saw where we were going. "Stefan, that's the saloon. That's the one that has the tramp women in it! We can't go in there!"_

_ "Oh yes, we can. They can save us."_

_ Pulling her by the hand I headed for the wooden porch. Stefanie missed the step, cried out and fell down. I hauled up on her arm and got my arm under her legs. She was not a skinny little girl, but I picked her up. Her hoopskirt flew up in the air and she used a hand to push it back down. I stumbled through the batwing doors, girl, skirt and all. Inside I spotted three men playing cards at a table, a woman leaning against the bar watching me and the bartender, also watching me. _

"_Help us! There's a man with a knife chasing us!" I yelled, staggering to the bar. I put Stefanie down. "We saw him kill a man and he's chasing us! Help us!"_

"_What are you talking about?" the bartender asked. "Aren't you that Salvatore boy?"_

"_Yes, sir! Please help us. We need to hide before he gets here. Any second he'll come barging in!"_

_The bartender turned to the woman and told her to take Stefanie upstairs and stay with her in a room._

"_I want to stay with you, Stefan," Stefanie cried._

"_No. Go upstairs. You'll be safer," I said. The woman grabbed her hand and hurried to the stairs. _

"_Get over here behind the bar," the man told me and I went around the side. I heard the clomping of boots and I ducked down behind the bar. I suppose that was a bit cowardly of me._

_Mr. Draper didn't charge inside. He walked in slowly. I couldn't see him, but I was sure he was looking around. He had to have seen me take Stefanie inside the building._

"_Joe," he said to the bartender. "I'm looking for two kids. A boy and girl. I seen them knife old Walter Poe. They were laughing at him and he was trying to get away. They saw me and ran away. I went to Walter and tried to help him, which is why I got blood on me. I ran after them kids, and I saw them come in here."_

_I was stunned that he was blaming us! He was breathing hard, but he got all that false information out. I wanted to jump up and accuse him of lying, but I'll admit I hesitated._

_Joe bent down for a bottle of liquor and he gave me a hard look. I shook my head and showed him my spotless hands. He used his hand to indicate that I stay down. He stood up and set the bottle on the bar with a thud._

"_The two kids ran in and right out the back way," Joe said. "Didn't say a damned word, but they were scared. You say old Walter got knifed bad?"_

"_Dying, I reckon," Mr. Draper said. "Why didn't you stop them?"_

"_They came and went too fast. Didn't they, Gus?"_

"_Fast as spooked deer," one of the men at the table said. I was surprised no one said I was hiding right there behind the bar._

"_How about one of you fellas go get the sheriff," Joe said and I heard a chair scrape back from the table._

"_I got my horse out front," someone said and I heard boots heading for the door._

"_I'm going searching for them kids," Mr. Draper said and I heard him walk to the door._

"_Hold on there, Frank," Joe said. "Wait here for the sheriff. The kids have got away, but they won't go far if they live hereabouts."_

"_No, I'm going looking," the killer said and he left. I don't know if he still had his knife or not. I didn't pop up to look. Apparently the other two men didn't try to stop him._

_Joe looked down at me and signaled for me to stand up. I did. I realized my hands were shaking and I felt cold with sweat._

"_I can't believe he said me and Stefanie killed that man," I said. My voice sounded funny to me, like a little boy's._

"_What were you doing when you saw him?" Joe asked. The other two men came from their table and gathered at the bar._

"_I was kissing Stefanie. Just a little kiss," I admitted. "We were at the dance and went for a walk."_

"_A long walk if you ended up here," one of the men said with a snicker._

"_Not really. We ended up here because we ran through the center and couldn't find anyone to help us. I figured this place would still be open."_

_My legs were shaking. I don't think it was because of running. I think it was because of the scare, because of the danger. Would Mr. Draper really have taken that knife to us? Maybe he just would have threatened us somehow if we told what we saw._

"_Can I sit down?" I asked. My mouth was so dry I could hardly talk now._

"_Sure. Go take a seat. You thirsty? Want a drink?" Joe asked._

_I nodded. I must have looked shaky because when I came around the bar, one of the men took hold of my arm and walked me to a chair. I was a little embarrassed about that. "I'm all right," I told him._

_Joe came over carrying a glass. I wasn't sure what he had brought me, so I sniffed before I sipped. It was water. I drank it down. _

"_Thank you." I sat there and hoped the sheriff came along before Mr. Draper decided to come back._

A/N I hope you liked this. Feel free to comment.


	48. Chapter 48

_Chapter 48_

A/N Thanks for reading, guys. This chapter isn't very long. Sorry. I'll try better next time.

"_Did you actually see Draper stab ?" Joe asked._

"_I saw him stabbing someone. I don't know Mr. Poe," I told him._

"_It's dark out there," another man said. "How could you see what was happening?"_

"_There's some moonlight. And a street lamp was not far away. The light glinted off the knife blade," I said. "The one man was on the ground and Mr. Draper was sort of bent over him. I recognized him when he looked at me and Stefanie."_

"_One of us should go looking for Draper," the last of the men said._

"_Not me, Harve. He's got a knife and I don't have my gun," the first man said._

"_I didn't see a knife on Draper," Harve said._

"_I bet he hid it," I put in._

"_Could be. But let's wait for the sheriff," Joe said._

_Stefanie and the woman appeared at the head of the stairs and looked around. I guess they decided it was safe to come down, because they did. Stefanie ran over to the table I was at and sat down._

"_Are you all right? Did he try to get you?" she asked, laying a hand on my arm._

"_He didn't see me. I was down behind the bar." I wished I hadn't told her that, but she probably saw me go there as she went up the stairs. I'm not the biggest fifteen-year-old boy in these parts and I admit I'm not the bravest. I bet my brother would have faced Mr. Draper across the bar. I mean back when he was fifteen. Damon was always a bold fellow. _

"_How about you?" I asked. "How is your foot?"_

"_A little sore. My slippers are ruined. The soles are worn through," she said. _

"_I'm sorry, Stefanie," I told her._

"_For what? You saved us!"_

"_None of this would have happened if I hadn't walked you away from the dance. Now we are in trouble. Our parents are going to be angry at us." I wondered if my father would take that old riding crop to my behind._

_I think Stefanie had been crying up in the woman's room, but she was no longer. She also no longer looked embarrassed to be in a saloon and in the company on one of "those women." The woman in question had moved to the bar and was talking to Joe._

_A man came into the bar just then. He didn't look like he had been to the dance, judging by his clothes. He eyed me and Stefanie with surprise._

"_Aren't you Damon Salvatore's little brother?" he asked me._

"_Yes, sir," I said._

"_Joe, your customers are getting younger all the time," the fellow said as he went to the bar. I know I have seen him before, but I couldn't recall his name._

_Then we heard horses and the sound of boots outside. The sheriff and the deputy and several other people came storming into the bar. My father was one of them._

"_Stefan, where is this person you saw stabbed?" the Sheriff Forbes demanded right away and I told him. He sent the deputy and another man to go look. I thought surely someone had already gone to see to him. Maybe what I saw had happened in Mr. Poe's yard._

_My father stood back and watched me and the sheriff as we talked. Father didn't say anything. Stefanie's father arrived and came to our table. Stefanie stood and her father hugged her. I didn't need my father to hug me, but it would have been nice for him to come stand by me or ask if I was all right. He didn't._

_The sheriff asked me and Stefanie to show where we were when we saw the stabbing, so we all went to that area using horses, buggies or walking. I know Stefanie was embarrassed because she had left the dance unchaparoned with a boy. Her father didn't seem angry with her, though. I think he was just relieved she was all right._

_Mr. Poe, who did live at the house, was dead. Everyone who volunteered to help the sheriff spread out through town looking for Mr. Draper. Father insisted that we go home. He had the buggy close by. Although he had danced a bit, he was beginning to get a flare-up of the gout and had not run over to the saloon on foot. So I went home with him. I didn't even get a chance to say good night to Stefanie._

_Father had things to say to me on the way home. Some of it had to do with his disappointment in me for leaving the dance with the girl. He said everyone would be talking about that. What did I think that would do to her reputation. A Southern gentleman should always protect the honor of a lady. On the other hand, he acknowledged that I had been smart to run to the saloon for help. He went so far as to praise me for keeping Stefanie safe once we saw the murder. Of course, he pointed out that if we hadn't left the dance we would not have seen the murder and would not have been in danger._

"_I don't know what is wrong with you young people these days," he said. "I swear you don't use common sense sometimes."_

_I didn't say anything, but I did roll my eyes heavenward for a moment. In the dark he couldn't see that. I also didn't point out that it was an adult, not a kid, who just murdered someone. Was that using common sense?_

_When we got home he sent me to my room, which was where I wanted to go anyway. So here I am. I have put a lot in my journal about what happened tonight. I have tried to tell the facts, but I am sure my memory of everything and of what was said is not very accurate. I have done the best I can. I suspect I won't sleep well tonight._

_May 10, 1863 Billy showed up at my house bright and early Sunday morning. He wanted to hear all the details about last night. He and I walked around in the yard and out to the pond as I told him what had happened. I even included the fact that Stefanie and I were kissing just past the Poe house. _

_Billy was almost jealous because he had missed this adventure. He thought it must have been very exciting. Instead he had been dancing with a girl he liked, nice, but not exciting. I assured him that it had been exciting and scary and truly dangerous._

_He had questions about going to the saloon, why I had thought of it and how smart he thought I was to do so. He was impressed by my protection of Stefanie and why I had not run off and left her hiding somewhere. He didn't make fun of me for hiding behind the bar. This is what good friends are for._

_May 11, 1863 Everyone at school seemed to know something about what happened. I did get to speak to Stefanie soon after getting to school. We agreed to say we were just talking and walking and lost track of how far we had gone before we saw the murder. We each were teased a bit, but more than anything, the other students asked what we saw and heard and how we ended up in a saloon and did we see the prostitutes and what did Stefanie see of the woman's room and did her bed look rumpled. I don't know how many times either Stefanie or I told the story. I do know that her brother Steve was not happy with me._

_I wish I hadn't told the men at the saloon that I had kissed Stefanie, but I'm sure I did. I hope they don't tell other people. If Mr. Draper goes on trial for the murder, will I have to tell everyone that?_

_There were plenty of rumors at school, things the students had heard while listening to their parents talk. The latest news is that Mr. Draper has not been located. His horse is missing from his home. His wife and children don't know where he went. None of those children were in school today._

_As for Mr. Poe, I have learned that he was an old man who lost his wife a few years ago. He lived alone even though he has a married daughter. I heard that she and her husband live on a farm north of town somewhere. Mr. Poe had a son, but he has already been killed in the war. No one seems to know why Mr. Draper was at Mr. Poe's house or why he killed the old man. If an adult knows, none of us young people seems to know._

_May 21, 1863 Everyone at school is talking about Mr. Draper. He was located yesterday afternoon down in North Carolina and there was some shooting. He shot a deputy while some lawmen were trying to arrest him and in return he was shot and killed. The news came over the telegraph and Sheriff Forbes had to go tell Mrs. Draper. _

_I know all this has been hard on her and her children. The two who are in our school are embarrassed and teased by other kids. Or avoided by some kids. I don't know what I would do if my father did something wrong and everyone knew it and talked behind my back or pointed at me. I know some people said things about Damon when he was home sick, that he was avoiding going back to the war. Even my father said things about him right to his face. And they were wrong._

_Because Mr. Draper was killed, there will not be a trial and I won't have to testify. I am glad of that. I wouldn't mind telling what I saw, but I would mind telling about my inappropriate walk with Stefanie. Nevertheless, I certainly enjoyed walking hand-in-hand with her and kissing her. _

_I keep wondering if maybe five or six years from now I might ask for her hand in marriage. I'll bring her home to our big house and she will be the new lady of the house. I think Father likes her. At least she hasn't shed her clothing and jumped into our pond like Barbara Ann did._

_I wish I could see into the future. I would like to see me running the farm with my wife by my side and children making a lot of noise. Maybe Father would still be with us and maybe he would be a good grandfather. Uncle Damon would visit often from his travels and the kids would love him and his stories of adventures._

_Changing the subject, I must say that I have become a really good pitcher on our baseball team. I can hit the ball quite well, too. Billy is better at hitting than me. He's really a good player and he runs fast from base to base. Our team has played against the school team over in Flatville. That town is only five miles away. Their school is smaller than ours, but they still have a good team. It is fun to play against them at the Shafer farm. Mr. Shafer, whose son goes to our school, has made a baseball field. The farm is half way to Flatville, so it isn't far for anyone to travel for a Saturday game._

_There is also a men's team, but so many men are gone to war that there are not enough young men to make up teams. The older men give it a go sometimes. Father isn't interested in any of our games. I don't think Father has a sense of humor or a sporting nature. He does gamble at cards sometimes with Mr. Gilbert and Mr. Lockwood and a couple of other men._

_The government is asking the farmers to grow wheat this summer. It is for the soldiers so they can have flour for their food. Up to know I think it has been mostly corn meal for cornbread and such. Is wheat flour better? Father says he will grow some wheat, but our main business is growing hay. The townsfolk with a cow and a horse or two need hay from us if they have only a small pasture or a corral. The livery stable in town buys a lot of hay from us._

_Every summer we build our haystacks for our own needs and take the rest on wagons to the customers. Our slaves work a lot once the hay is ready to be cut and raked and finally to be put in stacks or hauled to town. Father says it is our money crop. And some day it will all be mine._

A/N Poor Stefan has no idea what awaits him in the future. Any comments?


	49. Chapter 49

_Chapter 49_

A/N Once again I thank you all who have been loyal readers. I love you. I finally thought of something for Stefan to write about in his journal, another happening.

_June 3, 1863 We got a letter from Damon. He says he has not been well. I'll write some of what he said here._

"_I always thought I had a strong constitution, little brother, that I could eat almost anything, but I'll tell you, the army food is bringing me down. Getting the runs just drains your strength over a period of time. There are men here who have not been injured at all, but they don't have the strength to march, much less fight. They are thin and exhausted. _

"_I'm in the officers' camp and you'd think they would have the best food, but it can spoil. I'm not doing the cooking, but I watch the men who do it just to make sure the food is cooked right. One of the lieutenants is not well, but he keeps going. What else can he do? There's a war going on and a soldier has to be very sick or weak before lying down on the job."_

_I hope Damon gets better and gets his strength back. I'll start a letter to him this week. I haven't written to him about the murder last month. I guess I will. I don't want him worrying about my safety or thinking I am doing dangerous things._

_School is finished. As always I have mixed feelings about that. I like school and certain studies. I like being with students who live some miles from me so that I seldom see them during the summer. Of course, I have Billy and some others that live closer and that I see often. I'm glad Stefanie does not live very far away. _

_I have to admit that I think about Ilana fairly often. How can I forget her hand in my trousers or my hand on her breast? That is not the kind of thing a boy my age forgets. I suspect it is not the kind of thing an older fellow forgets either. _

_Ilana will be getting married soon. It is supposed to be this month. From what she has told me, she will be living in the town where her new husband lives. He has a place there. It isn't his parents' home, but is on their property. I wonder if she will get along with her new mother-in-law. I wonder if she will have a cook and a maid. In fact, I don't even know if Ilana can cook and keep house. _

_What are Jewish girls in this day and age in the South taught to do? I know that Billy's sister Amy has been taught to cook and clean house, even though the two Irish servants are there. Billy's mother knows how to do those things, he told me, but she doesn't do much of it because of her health._

_I wonder if my own mother could have run a house if she had not had servants. When I think of the cooking, cleaning, clothes washing, gardening and care of the animals that our servants do, I wonder how a family gets by without servants. I am not ignorant of the fact that many families take care of everything by themselves. They must be very busy and they must be very organized in their chores. They also have smaller houses and less land. Many of them also have big families so that the chores are done by many hands._

_I suppose I must admit to myself that I am spoiled, that I belong to a privileged family. We have a big house, servants(slaves), money and land. We are among the landed gentry, as they say. I think that is a term left over from the days when we were part of the British Colonies._

_June 8, 1863 I don't know where Damon is or what he is doing, but I do know he is another year older. Today is his 23__rd__ birthday. Happy Birthday, Damon!_

_June 20, 1863 One of the most exciting things to happen in these parts is that a railroad line is coming to Mystic Falls! Everyone here abouts has known that, but construction is really progressing. It is coming down from the northern part of Virginia, through Charlottesville, and on south past us. It is meant to move troops and supplies, since it intersects the other railroad going west through Charlottesville. Our town will have a station and water tower and wood to put in the engine's tender! I hope soon I will finally get to ride on a train._

_Billy is really excited because the tracks will be laid just east of his family's land. That also means that it will not be far from our property. The day will come when we all will be able to hear the train's steam whistle and see the smoke from the stack. I wonder if it will change the way the mail coaches deliver the mail._

_June 25, 1863 I am writing this evening in an angry mood. Why? I will come to that soon. _

_Earlier today I took the phaeton and drove over to see if Stefanie would like to go for a ride. She said she would and her father spoke to her and me about proper behavior. We promised we would be most proper. I'm glad her brother Steve was not around. I would not have been surprised if he had been ordered to ride along with us on a horse._

_It was a nice warm and sunny day, a perfect early summer day. Stefanie was wearing a sun bonnet as well as carrying a parasol. Southern ladies don't like to get tanned, although I know many girls didn't care. _

_I took the road out over Wickery Bridge. I told Stefanie about the time I went with Damon and he raced two other boys in the same phaeton we were in. She was impressed when I told her how close the race was and that Damon had managed to win. I also told her that Father whipped Damon for damaging the buggy._

"_He truly whipped your brother?" she asked, surprised._

"_Yes. With a leather riding crop. He has scars to this day on his back," I told her. I suppose Damon would not like me telling her that._

"_That's awful. That's like he was whipping a bad slave," she said. "I know my daddy has taken a switch to Steve's behind a few times, but that's different."_

_I agreed. There is hardly a boy I know who has not had a belt or switch laid across his rump at one time or another. We always seem to be doing something that our parents consider wrong. I think I am lucky to have escaped such punishment for the most part. Poor Damon was the one whom Father physically punished._

_I turned the horse around and went back over the bridge. The mare Wilma perked right up because she thought we were going home. All she cares about is her home pasture and eating, so she was sorely disappointed when I turned her off the main road and took River Road. I was planning on going east to where the railroad company is building a bridge or trestle so the trains will be able to cross the river._

_I'll throw a little history in here which I think I have mentioned before in my journals. Anyway, the town is built on a rise above the river so that the land behind the Court House and a few other buildings slopes down to the river. The Misty Fork of the James River flows mostly eastward, sometimes as a slow, flat river and sometimes rushing down over rocky rapids and small falls, like here at Mystic Falls. Boats really can't come up-river to here because of the various rapids and falls._

_Originally, a mill was built on either side of the falls, with water diverted to big water wheels to power the mills. Both mills, now bigger than the old original ones, are still in use, one sawing logs into lumber, the other grinding corn or wheat into corn meal or flour. We had to pass the mill on the southern river bank in order to go see the trestle._

_As we came to the mill we had to stop. A large freight wagon was being backed up to a loading platform. The driver of the eight-horse hitch had the team right out across the road. Although it was a large, heavy wagon, it was nicely painted. Mr. Orin Tarrell runs a hauling company and he likes to show off his success, so this huge wagon was pulled by eight black English Shire horses in polished harness. The animals are huge, both tall and massive, with white hairy "feathers" below their knees and hocks._

_Stefanie and I watched as the team backed the wagon right to the loading platform._

"_Is the road going to be blocked for a long time?" Stefanie asked, because the lead horses were still out across the road._

"_No. Watch what happens," I said. _

_Although she has seen horses pulling buggies and big wagons and stagecoaches all her life, she had not paid much attention to some of what they did. As we watched, the driver on the wagon used the long reins to signal the lead horse on the near side to start to move to its left, turning slightly, but also side-stepping. The horse beside it, the other lead horse, moved sideways, too. The swing horses right behind them started to move to the left also. In no time, the entire team, right back to the wheel horses, was lined up along the side of the road, at right angles to the parked wagon. The road was then clear for us to move._

_I clucked to Wilma to move her ahead. I had seen that there was another vehicle behind us, also waiting. It was Mr. Lockwood's fancy carriage with his driver at the reins. Francis Lockwood is our town mayor these days._

_We were right beside the lead horses of the Shire team when I heard a loud bang. Wilma shied away to the side and none too soon, for the huge lead horses on the big team also shied. They jumped right at us with snorts and the pounding of huge hooves. The horse on our side ran right into the rear wheel of my phaeton and I heard it crack. I thought we were going to tip over and be trampled by the huge animal._

_Stefanie screamed and clung to me. I probably screamed too. I don't remember. But I remember vividly looking back and up at the big black as he reared up. His hooves were huge. He came down on the back of the phaeton, right behind the seat where Stefanie and I sat, and our small buggy collapsed. Stefanie screamed again and we both feared we would be dumped down under the prancing hooves of the huge beasts._

_Somehow Wilma pulled what remained of the buggy forward and free of the big horses. Also, a bunch of people had come from somewhere. The team driver and another man were grabbing onto the bridles of the two lead Shires. A man and a woman grabbed Stefanie and lifted her to safety. I still had Wilma's reins and I managed to steer her off the other side of the road and then someone grabbed her bridle._

_A man reached out to me._

"_Step down now, Stefan," he said and I realized it was Mr. Lockwood. I grabbed his hand and jumped down from my seat, which was tilted backward because there was no back end to the phaeton anymore. It was destroyed. Mama's phaeton was beyond repair. Perhaps it could be rebuilt, but repaired, no._

"_Are you injured, Stefan?" Mr. Lockwood asked, looking me over._

"_No. I don't think so. But look at the phaeton! It's ruined. Father will be so angry."_

"_It's not important right now. What is important is that you and Miss Holstedt are not injured."_

"_What will I tell Father? He always told me to be careful because this belonged to my mother," I said, shaking my head._

"_I saw what happened. I'll tell him it wasn't your fault. He can't blame you."_

_I was not so sure. I realized I had started to shake. I saw that Stefanie was with a woman I didn't know and that she was all right, despite her tears. I walked over to the mare and patted her neck. She had calmed down for the most part because a man had her bridle and was talking calmly to her._

_Mr. Lockwood followed me. _

_" Stefan, let's unhook the mare and secure her harness. We'll leave the phaeton here while I drive you and Miss Holstedt home. All right?"_

"_All right," I said. I didn't know what else to do. I looked at the big horses. Two men were moving them back to their position beside the road. Some other men were picking up some metal things that I didn't recognize from the dirt. There was a broken wooden barrel near the loading platform. As nearly as I could tell, the barrel had come off the platform and smashed on the ground. The pieces of metal had been flung out. The noise and perhaps some of the metal had spooked the big horses._

_The driver of the big wagon came over to where I was standing with Mr. Lockwood. The two men talked briefly, agreeing that the driver would report to Mr. Tarrell what had happened. He was sure Mr. Tarrell would pay Father for the phaeton. I wasn't sure that would satisfy my father._

_I released the bearing rein from Wilma's harness so her head was more free and I got hold of the lead line that is used to tie her when I park somewhere. I hitched her to the back of the Lockwood carriage. Then I went to Stefanie and told her Mr. Lockwood would take us home. She seemed to have regained her composure, although she gave a quick dab to her reddened nose with her hankie. Although she still had on her sun bonnet, her parasol had been crushed under the remaining wheels of the phaeton. _

_In a minute we were in the fine carriage with Mr. Lockwood. It was fancier than Father's best carriage. The driver clucked to the team of matched chestnuts and we proceeded down the road, turning at another road that went uphill to the town center. _

_I wondered if we were keeping Mr. Lockwood from his business on the River Road, but I didn't ask him about it. I had other things on my mind._

A/N I hope you liked this bit of excitement. Stefan still has to face his father who is known to have a short temper. Please comment. I like to know what you all think of my ideas.


	50. Chapter 50

_Chapter 50_

_ "How are you doing?" I asked Stefanie. She was beside me and leaning against me. I put my arm over her shoulders and I could feel her tremble. _

_ "I'm all right. That was a frightful experience," she said, looking at me. She then looked at Mr. Lockwood sitting opposite us. "I'm so glad you were there to help us, sir."_

_ "You are quite welcome, Miss Holstedt." He smiled at her._

_ I knew he hadn't done anything more than the other folks there had done, but he was the only one giving us a ride home. And he was going to explain what happened to Father._

_ We came to the Holstedt house and I stepped down to assist Stefanie down from the carriage. I walked her to her door._

_ "I'm sorry our outing turned out the way it did," I told her._

_ "Going places with you seems to always be an adventure," she said with a chuckle._

_ "I'm sorry about that, too," I said with a smile. I took her hand and kissed the back of it. In a moment, she turned and went inside._

_ I returned to the carriage and we continued to my house. With the carriage parked out front, Mr. Lockwood and I went to the house. Joshua was waiting with the front door open._

_ "Joshua, Mr. Lockwood is here to speak to Father," I told our man._

_ "The master is taking a nap and he can't be disturbed right now," Joshua said a bit nervously._

_ I took that to mean Father was drunk and sleeping it off. It was mid-afternoon. He should not have been drunk already._

_ "Please wake him, Joshua," Mr. Lockwood said. "I wish to speak to him. It's important."_

_ I could see that Joshua was in a predicament. Father had ordered him not to wake him, while Mr. Lockwood, the mayor, was saying wake him._

_ "I'll go up and get him," I said and I headed up the stairs. Father's bedroom was down the hall the other way from my bedroom. The door was ajar and I pushed it open. Father was snoring, even though he was lying on his stomach. He was only wearing an undershirt and wrinkled trousers. He had his shoes and stockings removed._

_ "Father, wake up," I said loudly enough to make him stir. His hair is mostly dark, although he has a lot of gray at the temples and in his beard area. He's getting old. "Wake up. The mayor is here to speak to you."_

_ I guess the importance of the visitor roused him. He looked at me, groaned and managed to sit up. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. Why was he so drunk so early in the day?_

_ "Why?" he asked. "What happened?"_

_ I was foolish enough to say, "The phaeton got damaged. Destroyed. It…"_

_ Father stood up so fast I didn't move and he lashed out and hit me on the side of my head with the back of his hand. The blow was hard and I fell down with a yelp. Father was yelling at me about destroying Mama's buggy and I though he was going to kick me or hit me again. He leaned down to grab me, and then someone grabbed him. _

_ Although it was not good manners for a visitor to come up to someone's bedroom uninvited, Mr. Lockwood must have heard me fall and Father's shouting. He had come to the bedroom and now grabbed my father's arm, moving him away from me, talking to him. Father was confused as well as angry. I was not only hurt and fearful, I was also angry and embarrassed that Mr. Lockwood was seeing my father that way._

_ "Stefan did nothing wrong, Giuseppe," he shouted at Father. "It was a strange accident and Stefan didn't cause it. You should be happy that your son was not injured. Now, calm down."_

_ "It was Elizabeth's phaeton!" Father said in a sobbing voice. "Elizabeth's. I should never have let Stefan use it."_

_ "It can probably be rebuilt. It was only partly destroyed."_

_ I got up from the floor and left the room. There was no point in my being there. Mr. Lockwood was better at dealing with a drunken friend than I was at that time. I headed for my room to try to regain my composure. I was hurt and angry, as I have said, and I had tears running down my face. I met Sophie in the hall and I waved her away when she moved toward me. In my room I kicked my chair over and then I kicked the leg of the bed. That hurt a little, so I made myself calm down somewhat._

_ In a minute I felt more in control and I left my room. I didn't go to Father's room because I didn't want to look at him. I was so disgusted with him. And I could hear Mr. Lockwood's voice and knew he was still there. I went downstairs and remembered that I had left Wilma tied to the back of the carriage. When I went outside, I found that the mare was gone. The carriage driver said that Silas had come from the barn and taken her._

_ I was still angry and I didn't know what to do with my anger, so I went to the woodpile behind the house. In a minute I was splitting wood with the axe. Old Hank was there watching me. The woodpile is his job, but I'm sure he's perfectly happy to have someone else chopping. I also suspect that he worried that I would somehow injure myself. I was not so angry that I was careless._

_ After a few minutes of that, I was much calmer. I left the woodpile and went back in the house by way of the back door. In the kitchen Cook and Sooner watched me as I took a good drink of water. Hot and sweaty, I then came up to my bedroom._

_ I was a little surprised to hear the two men still talking in Father's bedroom. Their voices were quieter, so I figured Mr. Lockwood had been successful in calming Father down. I didn't know what they were talking about and I didn't care._

_ When I looked in my mirror I could see the red mark where I had been hit. I suspected that I would have a black eye before too long. I suppose I should be glad Father didn't punch me with his fist. If I had been Damon, he would have. And Damon would have punched him back. I don't think the day will ever come when I will punch my father. Or hurt him otherwise. He's my father._

_ Mr. Lockwood didn't stay long after that. As I was changing into fresher clothes, I heard him and Father come from the bedroom out into the hall. They said goodbye and I heard the mayor going down the stairs. Father came to the door to my room. I didn't know what to expect from him, so I was surprised that he stood there and apologized for hitting me. He could surely see the mark on my face. _

_ He asked me to forgive him and I nodded, but I was disgusted with him. The older I get, the more I see him in a different light. As I have said before, I realize he is not the man I thought he was when I was younger, when I looked up to him. I see him now as a tired man, often drunk, not always quick to make the right decisions, short of temper. I often think I know more than he does, that I am more on top of what is happening on the farm, in town and in the world. He is old-fashioned in his thinking. Still, he is my father._

_ At supper he told me that he had invested some money in a venture that looked good, despite the war. Today he found out that the business had collapsed before it hardly got started. The man in charge had taken the investors' money and disappeared. This loss had been the cause of his becoming drunk today._

_ As for the phaeton, he will send Silas and another man with a wagon to retrieve what was left of the buggy. He will decide whether or not to have it rebuilt._

_ "We have so few things that belonged to your mother, Stefan," he said sadly._

_ "We have our memories, Father. And we have nice portraits of her."_

_ "Yes. We have those."_

_ Mama has been gone ten years now. I know I have forgotten things about her and that bothers me. I wasn't quite six when she died and it seems like a long time ago now. What would she be like now if she had not given birth to Peter? What if she had been a strong, healthy woman? Would she have kept Father from drinking so much and would he be a better person now?_

_ Some weeks ago, Father finally donated Mama's clothing to a family who lost everything when their house burned down. I can't go into her bedroom and sniff the clothes in her closet anymore. The furniture she liked is still there to be used by guests. We haven't had a house full of guests since her funeral. It's a shame Father doesn't invite anyone from his side of the family to visit. He also doesn't want the Remingtons here. Nor does he want Peter. As I said, it is a shame._

_ So, here I am tonight writing of today's mishaps. I am still upset with Father, but my strong emotions have calmed down. Tomorrow will be a better day._

_ June 26, 1863 I went over to Billy's house in the morning. Word had gone around about the incident with the big horse team. Billy said he had considered coming to my house yesterday in the evening to hear my version, but he guessed that my father would be in a bad mood. How right he was._

_ He was sympathetic about my black eye and Father's attitude, but he listened intently when I told him about the big team and how close Stefanie and I came to getting badly hurt._

_ "Stefanie is not going to want to go with you for walks or rides," he teased me._

_ "She is a brave girl," I told him. "I think she likes me enough to take her chances with me."_

_ "We'll see." He laughed and punched me in the arm. I punched him back._

_ June 30, 1863 General Lee has taken our soldiers into Northern territory. He has invaded Maryland and Pennsylvania. That has certainly made the Damn Yankees sit up and take notice. I'm sure folks in Baltimore, Washington and even Philadelphia must be concerned. Harrisburg, the capital city of Pennsylvania, is probably in some danger. I have to suppose Damon is either in Maryland or in Pennsylvania. I don't believe he has ever been in those states before._

_ There is a lot of concern about our Southern men being there, of course. The Army of the Potomac, I think under a Gen. Hooker or is it Meade?, is certain to try to drive Lee back into Virginia. If there are any major clashes, a lot of men on both sides will be killed or injured._

_ July 2, 1863 There is a battle near Harrisburg in a town called Gettysburg. The report our town has received is that the fighting is fierce. We had hoped it would not come to this, but it has. I pray Damon comes through it all right._

_ July 4, 1863 There is little reason to celebrate this holiday. Gettysburg turned out to be a terrible battle with a large number of casualties. General Lee was forced to retreat. Five men from our Mystic County alone were killed and several more wounded. We have not heard anything about Damon, so I guess no news is good news, as they say._

_ The Gilberts have not heard anything about Roland. They don't know if he was at Gettysburg or not. Despite the fact that he is on the other side, they worry about him._

_ I am tired of the war. Worry about it is always at the back of my mind. Even though Father says nothing about Damon, I know he is worried._

_ Mr. Oglethorpe, the man who is rebuilding the phaeton, is making good progress. I went with Father in the surrey to see how things were going. Father is pleased. I know how much he is paying Mr. Oglethorpe to do the work. I think we could buy a new one for only slightly more, but Father wants it still to be Mama's. The whole front half, including the seat she sat on, is still original. _

_Much as I love to drive the buggy, I think it will be a while before Father lets me. I don't think that is fair. I have driven it many, many times and I have not harmed it prior to the Shire stepping on it. He might let me take the surrey for drives with Stefanie, but I'm not sure. I haven't asked yet. I have my horse, but it would be nice if I had some sort of vehicle of my own._

_July 22, 1863 We finally got a letter from Damon. He was at Gettysburg, but he is still assigned to the officers' camp, so he was not on the bloody battlefields. He said he almost got shot accidentally by one of our Southern soldiers. The fellow was wounded and was limping from the battlefield. He fell and his musket fired. The ball went right through the officer's tent that Damon was helping to take down. Luckily no one was in the tent._

_He said there are both white men and slaves in the camp to set things up for the officers and to break camp when they have to move. Sometimes they have to move out very quickly, especially if the army is retreating. He says it makes him sick to see the horrible wounds and to hear the men screaming in pain. Even the screaming of the wounded horses makes him cringe. And sometimes he can hardly hear anything because of the roar of the canons. He says if there is a hell, it is right there on the battlefields._

_I pray that the armies do not move this way. I can't imagine all the shooting and the canons and men stabbing each other with bayonets. It must be terrible to see wounded men lying on the battlefield and not be able to rescue them. It must be just as terrible to have to bury thousands of bodies._

_From what Damon has said in letters and when he was here, the fighting destroys crops and trees. Houses and barns get shot up or burned down. Sometimes women and children are left without a roof over their heads or food to eat._

_I hate this war._

A/N Sorry about the fact that Giuseppe hit Stefan, but the man is abusive when angry or drunk, especially toward someone smaller or weaker than himself. Otherwise, I hope you all liked this chapter. Stefan is learning that life certainly has a dark side and often life is not fair.


	51. Chapter 51

_Chapter 51_

A/N Thanks to you guys for reading and especially for commenting.

_ August 1, 1863 The word we get now is that the Northern navy has blockaded Charleston, South Carolina and put the city under siege. Father says Charleston is a lovely place and he hopes it doesn't get bombarded or burned down. He also says that it is less than one hundred miles by sea from Savannah, Georgia where his brother Luigi lives and also my Salvatore cousins and their families._

_ August 15, 1863 I had a nice ride with Stefanie today. We were not alone, since her brother Steve, Billly and Barbara Ann rode with us. We had food for a picnic which we ate on or around Cooper's Split Rock. It's a big, round rock with a split down the middle from top to bottom. There is a legend that it has magic powers, but we all say we don't believe that. To prove it, we have all climbed onto it and sat on the top. It is on the Cooper farm, but the present Mr. Cooper doesn't care about us._

_ All five of us managed to sit up there together, but when it came to eating, Stefanie and I sat in the grass at the base of the rock. At one point something fell on my head, something small. I thought it was a bug and brushed it out of my hair. Then it happened again. I looked up and found that Barbara Ann was tossing little pieces of bread crust from her sandwich onto my head. She laughed and pretended she didn't do it, pointing to Billy. He shook his head and pointed to her. Since she was the one with a sandwich in her hand, I was sure she did it. I stood up and tossed a tiny piece of fried chicken up at her. It hit her chest and slipped down inside her bodice. Well, this led to a food fight among the five of us. Yes, we wasted some food, but it was something to laugh about. We all need something to laugh about these days._

_ August 17, 1863 Father received a letter from his brother in Savannah telling him that he was sending his son Gregorio and daughter-in-law Maria and their children to Mystic Falls to get them away from the city. Charleston was likely to be bombarded and it was feared by some that Savannah might be next. Father did not take this news with joy. He didn't want a family here that he didn't really know._

_ "Why didn't they just go to Atlanta?" he fussed to me. "It would be closer. And up here in Virginia we are closer to major fighting."_

_ I, on the other hand, looked forward to seeing my cousin Gregorio, whom I have never met. Like my father, I was not too excited about the children. I wondered how many of them there were and how old they were. Mary O'Toole calls little ones "ankle biters." Do little ones crawling around really bite a person's ankles? Did I when I was little?_

_ Father noticed that the date the letter was written was over a week ago and the arrival date was expected to be the 18__th__. That is tomorrow! Father could not recall from his visit to Savannah, when Uncle Ed died, how many children Gregorio has or what their ages are. In any case, Sophie and Sooner are getting the two guest rooms and Damon's room ready for however many there are._

_August 18, 1863 There is a lot of excitement and bustle around the house. Cook is trying to decide if we have enough food. She is baking extra bread and doing whatever it is she needs to do. I know she has sent Joshua to town for supplies._

_ I went over to Damon's room and took his supply of secret things from the bottom draw of his dresser. I put them in my dresser. We don't need some child getting to them and asking what they are or looking at the illustrations in a couple of his cheap books._

_ Father went to town to see if anyone came on the stage coach from Charlottesville, in case the family came by train. He returned home without them, but he had news that had come to the telegraph office. Charleston is being bombarded. No one knows if the same will happen to Savannah. Charleston is a bigger port than Savannah, I think._

_ Along about mid-afternoon, in a pouring thunderstorm, a private coach pulled up in front of the house. Behind it was a wagon with a canvas cover over whatever was on it. Father and I stood on the veranda and watched while the coach driver got down and opened the door on our side. A woman got out, holding an umbrella over her head. She turned and held out a hand. A man stepped down, holding onto her hand._

_ It took me a long moment to realized something was wrong with him. He stood there with another umbrella over his head. He did nothing to help a little girl climb down from the coach. She was followed by a boy who was seven or eight. The youngster turned back inside and grabbed something that was handed to him. It turned out to be a child of about two or three. The last child down was a girl. The last person out of the coach was a thin colored woman, a maid or a nanny._

_ Father, Joshua and I finally got moving. Joshua had umbrellas to give us and we rushed forward to help our guests. The colored woman had taken the smallest child in her arm and clutched him or her to her chest while holding an umbrella with the other. The two other children dashed to us to get under the umbrellas. The man reached out and took hold of the woman's arm with his free hand. They came to us and we all approached the front porch._

_ I heard the woman say to the man, "There are two steps here." He cautiously raised his foot and found the step. It was then that I realized that he must be blind! He had to be Cousin Gregorio and he was blind. Did that have anything to do with their leaving Savannah?_

_ Once we were all under the porch roof, Joshua took the umbrellas and set them aside. Father invited the group into the house and soon we were all standing in the foyer. Introductions were made. My cousin seemed to be a decent fellow, although he was a bit uncomfortable. I would be too if I arrived at the home of someone that I didn't know, really uninvited, wet and blind._

_ Our guests were Gregorio who said to call him Greg. My guess was that he was a little older than Damon. His wife was Maria. The children were a boy of seven named Tomas, a girl of six named Francesca, a little fellow of about four named Tristano and a littler girl named Camilla. (I learned how to spell their names a little later.) _

_The colored woman was Eva and was the nanny. She put down the squirming Camilla and picked up the shy little boy who was clinging to her dress._

_ The children were told to call Father Uncle Giuseppe and me Cousin Stefan. I sort of automatically called Greg Cousin Greg and his wife Miss Maria. I figured that they were a good ten years older than me and I shouldn't call them by just their first names as Father did. Father had met Greg before, but not his family, so we were mostly strangers._

_ The coach driver and the wagon driver were bringing in bags and trunks. They took them upstairs and put them in the rooms Sophie indicated. I knew Cousin Greg and Miss Maria had Mama's old room. I didn't know where the children would end up. Father and I took the people upstairs so that they could change into dry clothes and see their rooms. The parents picked out what rooms the kids would use. The boys got Damon's room and the girls got the spare bedroom next to the parents._

_ A cot was to be placed in the girls' room so the nanny could take care of the littlest one. The little boy didn't want to stay in Damon's room and kept clinging to Eva and crying, while little Camilla ran around looking into every nook and cranny. _

_ I am not used to little ones and I retreated to my room and closed the door. I needed a few minutes to calm down. I'm sure I would have been better prepared if young Peter had been brought up in this house. I guess Damon had me to contend with. You're a better man than I, Damon!_

_ After a short while, I braved the crowd again. I found that bedroom assignments had changed. The two little ones were now in the guest room where Eva would sleep, while Tomas and Francesca would share Damon's bed. They were six and seven years old and less afraid of the new house. I'm glad I removed Damon's private things before those two got into everything. _

_ I will have to ask Father if I can put a lock on the outside of my door. It's true there is a key to the door of my room, just as there is to every bedroom, but no one knows where some of the keys are, and that includes the one to my door. Interestingly, Damon always had the key to his room across the hall. If I just have a hook-and-eye lock set up high, I can keep the kids out of my room._

_ I would have liked to go over to Billy's house, but the rain was still coming down, and besides, Father said we had guests and I was not to try to escape. I bet he wished he could too. _

_ Sophie and the other staff had already moved a lot of breakable things to higher, safer places, but I found that more things had to be moved. All the kids seemed to be fascinated by everything and wanted to pick things up and play with them. The bags and trunks contained toys they loved, but they had to see all that was new._

_ I suspect that when I was little, many of the same things had been put out of my reach. When I think of the Mama's vase that I broke or the piano that I ruined, I know I was probably as wild and curious and clumsy as these kids. And I'm sure Damon was when he was little. My big brother passed through the same ages as everyone else._

_ To this day I remember Damon yelling at me and accusing me of taking his little lead soldiers and hiding them. Until the day I realized that I had put some of them in the mouth of the rocking horse, I could not have told you what I did with those soldiers._

_ I found that Miss Maria took an active part in trying to control the children, which was good, because Eva couldn't keep an eye on all of them at once. Cousin Greg tended to stay back. At one point he and I were at the head of the stairs at the same time._

"_Can I help you, Cousin Greg?" I asked him._

_ "Not really, Stefan. I have to do this myself. But if you have a few minutes, you can watch and see that I am not about to run into something," he said. He had a cane that was longer than usual. He was not leaning on it, but rather using it to sweep in front of him. I had seen a blind man do that before. "I am going to count the steps. I do a lot of counting until I get the feel of a place," he explained._

_ He held onto the railing with his free hand and began going down the steps. He didn't count out loud. If someone had asked me, I would not have been able to tell them how many steps there were down to the landing and then down to the floor of the hall. He came to the landing and swept his cane around._

_ "Is this stairway opposite the front entrance or over it, Stefan?" he asked._

_ "It's over the front entrance. I know that is different from many houses. I don't know why it was built that way."_

_ "Our grandfather's house was built that way. I suppose that is why. So, these windows look out to the front drive?"_

_ "Yes," I said as I watched him run his hand along the sill of the one of the two windows. "Can you see the light from the windows?"_

_ "A little, but I can't really see anything. I think it's sort of like when you have your eyes closed, you can still tell light from dark, day from night."_

_ "Have you always been blind?" I found myself asking as I watched him seek the next stairs downward._

_ "No. I was about seventeen when I suddenly went blind in my right eye. I slowly lost my vision in my left over a period of months. I've never seen my children, Stefan. But I surely know them by touch and smell and sound."_

_ Plenty of sound, I thought._

_ "Did you ever see Miss Maria?" I was not sure I should be asking these questions._

_ "Yes. We have known each other most of our lives. We were falling in love around the time I lost my sight. Maria didn't turn her back on me. We love each other very much. Our marriage has put a lot of responsibility on her."_

_ "I guess it would."_

_ "Don't get me wrong. In my own home in my own town I am quite active in the community and I run a business. Well, really, a branch of my father's business."_

_ As we came to the bottom of the steps I didn't ask any more questions. He was talking and telling me things with enthusiasm. I know he didn't count the stairs. "Let's sit somewhere," he said, reaching out to me. His hand found my arm and I led him to the parlor and a chair. None of the children were there, so we sat and he talked._

_ There is a family resemblance between Cousin Greg and Father. He has dark hair and dark eyes and the shape of his face is somewhat like Father's and Uncle Luigi's. His skin is a light tan, olive-skinned, from his Italian background. He is a handsome man._

_ After a short while, Miss Maria came to the room. She said it was time for us to go to the dining room for supper. Apparently we eat earlier than they are used to. I found out that they usually feed the children and then send them to their rooms under the watchful eye of Eva, who managed to get them ready for bed over a period of time. During that time, the parents would have a quieter meal with wine and discussion._

_ Well, we eat earlier and everyone got to eat at the same time. It was loud and strange. My old high chair for babies had been found in the attic and brought down for the little girl Camilla. What a messy eater she is. And fussy about what she would eat or not. The other three kids ate what was put in front of them. Or rather, picked out what they thought looked good. I think they were all hungry._

_ We learned that they had taken a train from Savannah to Charlottesville where they had hired the coach and wagon. Their home was very near the river on which the _

_town of Savannah sits and there was concern that if the Yankees did fire on the city, their home would easily be hit._

_ From time to time I glanced at Cousin Greg to see how he managed his food. There was a good-sized slice of baked ham on his plate, along with sweet potatoes and vegetables. His ham had been cut up in the kitchen into bite-sized pieces. Joshua had placed the plate in front of him and turned it just so. I suspect Greg knows what position his food is in on the plate. Miss Maria must had instructed Cook and Joshua. The rest of us served ourselves from the bowls of food on the table._

_ The house grew considerably quieter after the children were finally put to bed and actually fell asleep. Because I was interested in what Greg and Maria had to say, I stayed with them and Father in the library for quite some time. The travelers were tired, however, and they finally went to their room. I noticed that at no time did Father mentioned that we had received the letter about their arrival only the day before and he had had no time to send a telegraph about it. The visitors had assumed no reply meant they were welcome to come. They had left Savannah before we even got the letter._

_ I came to my room and here I am writing. This afternoon and evening has been interesting and exciting and it has worn me out, too. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings._

A/N I hope you like this new twist in Stefan' life. We'll see where it leads.


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